


Feels Like Home

by Ltleflrt



Series: Feels Like Home [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, John Matthew Shepard - Freeform, M/M, Past Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2017-12-30 05:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 112,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1014392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/pseuds/Ltleflrt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last two years of Kaidan Alenko's life have been rough, and he feels like he needs to get out of town and away from everyone and everything.  When his bike breaks down in a small town called Citadel, he feels drawn to the handsome, yet scarred mechanic Matthew Shepard.  The feeling appears to be mutual, and after months of aimless traveling he finally decides to stay in one place for a while.</p><p>(Includes Fan Art and Fan Mixes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to Hot-Elf for being the bestest beta ever! And to Jupiter_James for the playlists she made for the story! And now I have COVER ART :D Huge buckets of gratitude to Sketchingsparrow!

 

 

 

 

 

[Art by Sketchingsparrow](http://sketchingsparrow.tumblr.com/post/74445217295/tah-dah-i-was-commissioned-to-do-the-cover-art)

  


  
[Playlist](http://8tracks.com/jupiterjames/feels-like-home) by [Jupiter_James](../../../../users/jupiter_james)

[Playlist ](http://8tracks.com/jupiterjames/feels-like-home-companion-fanmix)by [JupiterJames](http://jupiterjames.tumblr.com/)

 

Small towns were quiet. No cars, very few voices unless one were to go into the diner at mealtime, or the local watering hole right at sundown. Sometimes the loudest thing a person heard all day was the buzz of electricity, or the hiss of the wind kicking sand up against walls.

That’s what Matthew Shepard loved about Citadel. At least now he did. When he was a kid, he’d hated the small town he’d lived in his whole life. It was just too small, really just a wide spot in the road with a grand name, and he wanted to be part of the bigger world. But after years in the army, and being to many strange and exotic locations during his service, he’d come home. The world was too big and too loud sometimes, and Citadel’s small town silence was exactly what he needed right now.

So the sudden clang of tools was jarring enough to bring his head up to see what the hell was going on. Unfortunately, he was currently under the hood of a car, a fact he was reminded of rather painfully when the back of his head connected with the edge of it.

Rubbing at the sore spot, he extricated himself a little more carefully from the car he was working on and stood up to see what all the racket was about. From the grumbling and cursing coming from the direction of the workbench at the back of the shop, he had an idea.

Confirming his suspicions, Jack was somewhat violently putting away tools, bitching and growling just loud enough for him to hear a few words. “Fucking cheerleader,” and “I will end her!” floated from the back.

“Hey, I appreciate your sudden zeal for order,” Shepard said dryly as he watched her practically throw a wrench into a drawer, “but if you break it, you buy it.”

At the sound of his voice, Jack spun around and pinned him with her glare. “Those tools are made of fucking steel,” she snapped.

She looked pissed enough to bite through one of them, but he was smart enough not to tell her that. Instead he pulled a rag out of his back pocket and attempted to clean some of the oil off his hands. He eyed Jack warily for a moment before glancing at the clock above the workbench. It was already late afternoon, and his stomach growled to remind him that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast, which was generally pretty early in the morning for him. “You want to go to the diner and get something to eat?” he asked, pretending that Jack’s seething anger was normal.

He wasn’t surprised when she nearly exploded at the suggestion. “No, I don’t want to go to the fucking diner. I just came from the fucking diner, and had my appetite ruined by the fucking cheerleader!”

“My treat,” he said, ignoring her outburst.

“Are you fucking deaf?” Jack demanded. “Why the hell would I want to go back there?”

Giving up on his hands getting any cleaner without some harsh soap, Shepard tucked the rag back in his pocket, not noticing that the tail end still hung out. Completely unafraid of Jack’s temper he walked over to put an arm around her shoulder and started guiding her out of the garage and into the afternoon sunlight. “If you don’t go back, she’ll gloat about pissing you off,” Shepard said as a blast of heat hit him. He was already sweaty from working in the garage, but being out of the shade only felt a hair cooler than the surface of the sun at the moment.

Jack grumbled under her breath, but her spine straightened and she pulled out from under his arm to march ahead of him. He grinned, took a moment to admire the half-boyish sway of her hips, and followed quickly. He didn’t want to miss the sniping and heated looks, or be too late to break up a fight if one started. Jack and Miranda had been more entertaining than a soap opera ever since high school, and in a small town like Citadel you took whatever entertainment you could get.

He probably should have felt guilty for pitting them against each other, but since he was the only person in town who knew that Miranda sometimes snuck into Jack’s room at night, he didn’t feel an ounce of guilt. Instead, he just felt impatient for them to stop acting like teens and admit their feelings for each other. And it wasn’t just because he and Garrus had a bet going on about the situation. He and Jack were close, and he really liked Miranda. He couldn’t help wanting to see them both find a little happiness.

As Jack slammed through the diner’s door, the bell clanging loudly to announce her, he sighed. He could use a little “happiness” himself, and he wasn’t referring to the long term relationship kind. The downside to small town life was that you knew everyone, and if you didn’t find your one true love in high school, your opportunities for a good lay were ridiculously low. After hearing Jack and Miranda go at it early that morning, he was ready for a little action. He was going to have to tell them eventually that the walls in his house were way too thin for them to keep their affair a secret.

Not today though. They were already riled up at each other, and he didn’t want that grouchiness pointed at him. He could handle Jack’s temper. On a good day he could handle Miranda’s temper. He was not stupid enough to think he could ever handle them both at once.

Jack climbed onto a stool and pulled out a menu. She glared at it sullenly, intent as if she’d never seen it before.

“Hey Shep,” Ashley called cheerfully from behind the counter. She gave Jack a wary smile, but the other woman was busy exchanging icy stares with Miranda.

“Hey Ash,” Shepard said with a grin as he settled himself on a stool next to Jack.

“The usual?” she asked.

“With one of your special wake me up shakes?” he asked with a flirty smile.

She returned his grin with a nod and turned to make the shake. “Hey Jimmy, make Shep a burger,” she called into the kitchen.

A head popped into view through the serving window leading into the kitchen and James Vega gave Shepard a lazy salute. “Hey, Loco,” he greeted. “It’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

Shepard returned the salute and nodded. He turned to his prickly neighbor. “You want anything Jack?”

“Coffee,” she snapped without looking at him.

Seeing that Ashley was still busy making Shepard’s shake, Miranda sighed and brought the pot over. She poured a cup for Jack without a word, then walked away.

Shepard rolled his eyes.

Ashley brought him his shake, and he forgot all about the silent war going on next to him. He took a long pull off the straw, and sighed happily at the chocolaty coffee flavor. “Thanks Ash,” he said. “That hits the spot.”

“Chow’s up,” James called several minutes later as he put a plate up for Ashley to grab.

Soon, Shepard was biting into a juicy double cheeseburger with extra pickles and mayo, just the way he loved it. Jack and Miranda eventually defrosted, and started talking softly while he pretended not to hear them apologizing to each other. Ashley was singing softly to the music on the radio as she refilled salt and pepper shakers before the dinner rush started.

It was peaceful. He liked the quiet and the peace of a small town. It kept the nightmares at bay.

Unfortunately, he still startled easily when Jack dug her elbow into his ribs. It was only through supreme effort that he didn’t try to attack her, but she must have noticed his aborted movement. She only raised an eyebrow at him, fully aware of what had almost happened and not impressed, before nodding toward the wall of windows to their right.

“Hey look,” she said. “Someone got lost.”

Shepard turned to see a motorcycle pulling up to the diner. Dust from the gravel rose around the stranger as he came to a stop. Shepard noticed the man’s wide shoulders under a black leather biker jacket as he reached up to pull off an equally dark helmet. He didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he saw the man run his fingers through the tousled black hair revealed by the helmet.

This time when Jack elbowed him he didn’t jump at all, he just sucked in a breath and turned his attention to her. He plastered an innocent look on his face and hoped she didn’t see his reaction. Of course she noticed, and he stifled a groan at the wicked glint in her eyes. “Don’t,” he warned.

Jack showed him her teeth, in something that was more of a challenge than a smile. Behind them the bell rang as the stranger walked in.

As one, Jack and Shepard turned to see the newcomer.

He stopped just inside the door, and smiled somewhat shyly at the attention he was receiving. “Hello,” he said with a nod before walking toward a booth seat near the windows.

Shepard felt that greeting like a punch to the gut. The guy was hot. He’d noticed the traces of grey at his temples, the honey brown eyes, the full lips surrounded by what looked like a few days of stubble. Really fucking hot. But the man’s voice hit him like a shot of whiskey, and it was going straight to his head.

A little too quickly he turned back to the counter and looked down at his half eaten meal. What the hell was wrong with him? It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen hot men before. Hell, he just had to look up and see James in the kitchen to find one.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ashley take the man’s order. He caught himself leaning slightly in that direction in an effort to hear his voice again and quickly straightened in his seat. He stuffed a couple fries in his mouth and chewed despite the fact that he couldn’t really taste them anymore.

“Quit being a pussy, and go talk to him,” Jack said. Luckily she kept her voice low.

“What the hell would I talk to him about?” Shepard whispered back.

“You could start with an offer for a handjob,” Jack answered. When Shepard choked, she pounded him on the back with a smirk. She continued as if she hadn’t nearly killed him. “Come on, it’s a great way to find out if he likes dick.”

Once his windpipe was clear, Shepard turned a glare on her. “I like dick, but if a man started a conversation with that I’d be less than impressed.”

Miranda was close enough to hear that part of the conversation. She braced her elbows on the counter and leaned in close to them. “It might work, Shep,” she said softly. Her full mouth turned up in a satisfied smile as she eyed Jack. “That’s how Jack and I met in high school after all.”

Shepard remembered that meeting, although he hadn’t heard what had been said. He and Jack had been eating lunch outside with their group of friends when the new girl had shown up. Jack had taken one look at her and had gotten up to go talk to her. Whatever Jack had said had earned her a punch in the face.

Garrus had laughed and shouted “Girl Fight!!” which brought half the kids to watch, but that term indicated hair pulling and scratching. What it had actually been was a full out brawl, with both girls rushed to the hospital for injuries. The sparks still flew between them now, more than ten years later, but at least they no longer threw punches.

“Seriously?” Shepard asked in surprise. He turned to Jack. “You asked her if she liked dick?”

Miranda reached across the counter and punched him in the shoulder. “She asked if I like pussy, you idiot.”

He grinned at her. “I saw the shiner you gave Jack that day. I’m pretty sure you proved that you’re not a pussy.”

This time he received a punch from Jack. A much harder one that left him rubbing his arm and wishing he’d kept his mouth shut. He couldn’t quite suppress his smirk though. That was his mistake.

Jack glared at him for a moment before her face smoothed into a self satisfied smile. She got up and walked over to the plunk down on the bench opposite of the stranger.

Shepard groaned. This could not possibly end well for him.


	2. Chapter 2

“What can I get for you?”

Kaidan looked up and met a smiling pair of eyes the color of dark chocolate. He returned the waitress’s smile openly, and tried to ignore the three at the counter that had their heads together. Of course he knew they were talking about him. This wasn’t his first time in a small town diner, and their reaction to a stranger was typical. “What would you recommend?” he asked.

The waitress -a quick look at her name tag told him her name was Ashley- tilted her head at him and tapped the end of her pen on her bottom lip. “You look like a steak sandwich kind of guy,” she said musingly. 

He laughed and dropped his head down slightly before shaking it. “You've got me pegged,” he said when he looked up at her again. 

“Well lucky for you, this place has a great steak sandwich,” she said, her voice bright. “And to drink? We've got Pepsi stuff, cream soda, lemonade…”

Kaidan shot a quick glance over at the people at the counter just in time to see the man get a punch in the arm from the heavily tattooed woman sitting next to him. He couldn't see the man’s profile because he was turned toward the woman on his other side, and he found that a little disappointing. The one good look he’d gotten of the guy right after he’d walked into the diner felt too brief. His eyes fell on the half-eaten milkshake sitting on the counter. “How about a milkshake,” he said to Ashley. “Strawberry if you've got it?”

“Definitely,” she said brightly. She grabbed the menu he’d barely looked at and went to place his order.

Not ten seconds later, Kaidan had company. The woman with the intricate tattoos covering her arms and neck slid into the booth across from him. “Hi,” she said shortly. “New around here?”

Kaidan blinked, and then chuckled. “How could you tell?” he asked, playing along.

“I know everyone, but I don’t know you,” she answered. “I’m Jack.”

The name suited her. Short, and to the point. “Kaidan,” he said, reaching across the table to shake her hand. 

“Nice to meet you Kaidan,” she replied as she shook his outstretched hand. “So… do you like dick?”

There was a choking sound from the counter that almost distracted Kaidan from the question. He looked over to see the man pound a fist to his chest to clear his lungs and then turn a murderous glare on Jack.   
Either not noticing, or not caring, Jack went on. “My buddy over there left his balls at home, so I’m helping him out. He could really use a date, and you’re pretty hot, so-”

“Miri, I am going to murder your girlfriend,” the man growled before getting up from his stool and approaching Kaidan’s table.

“I’m not her girlfriend,” Jack objected with a glare.

“She’s not my girlfriend!” the black haired beauty behind the counter protested with an equally fierce look, and a surprising Australian accent. 

“You can’t tell me all that yowling in the next room last night was the cat,” the man said grouchily. “She’s fixed, and she can’t speak so the names I was hearing-”

Jack exploded up from the table and got in his face. “What the hell, Shep? You need to see a shrink about these weird dreams you’re having,” she said. Her face was flushed, and her eyes were so bright with anger, that Kaidan seriously wondered if he was about to witness a murder. 

No one else seemed worried though, so Kaidan just watched the scene play out. Jack’s fingers curled into a fist, and her arm twitched back for a punch. The man just lifted an eyebrow at her, and she backed down. 

“I’m going back to work,” Jack growled. She brushed past the man and stalked out of the diner.

Kaidan looked up to see the man glaring after her. When he turned back to look down at him, Kaidan’s breath hitched. His eyes were blue, both dark and somehow bright, and so riveting that at first Kaidan didn't notice the scars covering the left side of his face. It was the man’s involuntary flinch, and the way he half raised his finger to his jaw that made Kaidan even realize they were there. He flushed, realizing he’d been caught staring, and the guy probably thought it was because of the scars.

“Sorry about that,” the man said in a beautifully deep voice. “She’s, uh…”

“Feisty?” Kaidan prompted.

The man chuckled. “That’s one way to put it,” he said with a wry shake of his head. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your dinner-”

“It’s still cooking,” Kaidan interrupted. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had company for a meal. Since before leaving home? He gestured to the bench across from him. “Why don’t you keep me company until it’s ready?”

The man hesitated for a moment, but eventually nodded and slid into the booth across from him. He held out his hand. “Matt Shepard, but everyone calls me Shepard, or Shep,” he said by way of introduction. “So… where you from?”

“Canada,” Kaidan answered. At Shepard’s surprised look, he chuckled. “What, you can’t hear it in my accent?”

“A little, now that you mention it,” Shepard answered. He flashed his teeth in a smile. “This is going to sound pretty cliche, but you are long way from home.”

“Huh, yeah,” Kaidan said. “That’s kind of the idea.”

Shepard raised his brow in question. The expression didn’t look as intimidating as it had when it had been directed at Jack a few minutes ago. Instead, it was just a silent prompt to continue. To his surprise, Kaidan felt the overwhelming urge to talk about things that he’d kept buried for years. He caught himself quickly. “I just like seeing new places,” he said vaguely.

That earned him a smile. “I hear that,” Shepard said ruefully. “I had a bit of wanderlust myself for a while. But I didn’t stay away for very long. There’s no place like home, right?”

Kaidan chuckled. “With this heat? Yeah, I kinda miss Vancouver.”

At that moment, Ashley came over with two milk shakes. She set Kaidan’s strawberry shake in front of him, and what looked like a chocolate shake in front of Shepard. “These should help,” she said cheerfully. “Your sandwich will be out in a few minutes.” 

“Thanks, Ash,” Shepard said with a smile that made Kaidan’s stomach flip.

The bell over the door rang, announcing the arrival of a man in a Sheriff’s uniform. He was probably the biggest man Kaidan had ever seen. Not only was he tall, but he was rippling with muscles. He sent a harsh stare in their direction before turning a smile on Ashley.

“Hey Wrex,” Ashley said as she turned away from Kaidan’s table to greet the big lawman. “Where’s Garrus?”

“Probably drooling over his wife somewhere,” the sheriff rumbled, and Ashley laughed. He settled onto one of the stools at the counter, even though it didn’t look sturdy enough to hold him. “So is today my lucky day?” he asked.

“You bet it is. We saved some cherry just for you,” Ashley answered as she slipped behind the counter. 

He let out a low, pleased laugh and rubbed his hands together as Ashley went straight for the pie case on the far end of the diner. While he waited, he glanced over at Kaidan’s table. His eyes locked on Kaidan’s guest. “Shepard,” he said.

“Wrex,” Shepard replied just as simply.

Wrex snorted at him, and then pinned Kaidan with his gaze. He must have passed some kind of test because after a moment the sheriff nodded a silent greeting which Kaidan returned. The big man turned back to Ashley who was setting what looked like half a cherry pie covered in whip cream in front of him. Just like that, he’d forgotten their presence.

“Remind me not to speed around here,” Kaidan muttered as he picked up his spoon and began poking at his shake. To his surprise, there was a layer of sliced strawberries between the whip cream and the ice cream. There was a straw in the glass, but the ice cream was much too thick for that. He scooped up a big bite and popped it in his mouth. Just barely he held back a groan of delight. 

Shepard’s eyes were on Kaidan’s mouth when he answered. “Probably a good idea,” he said vaguely. “Wrex is a decent guy, but not the kind you want to butt heads with.”

“You know this from experience?” Kaidan teased before taking another bite. The diner was air conditioned, but he’d been out in the sun in his black jacket for most of the day. The ice cream was definitely helping to cool him down. At least until Shepard put a spoonful of his own shake in his mouth, and he felt his internal temperature go up slightly. He’d removed his jacket when he sat down, but suddenly he felt like that wasn’t enough.

Shepard smiled around his spoon, and his blue eyes sparkled with mischief. “My juvenile records are sealed,” he said when he scooped up more ice cream.

“Stick around long enough and you’ll find out,” Ashley said. She’d caught the tail end of their conversation. “He’s trying to be mysterious, but everyone here knows what he did.” She slid a plate in front of him, and the smell of meat and peppers made Kaidan’s mouth water. “Careful, it’s hot,” she warned before turning to leave.

Kaidan nodded his thanks and popped a French fry in his mouth before turning a smile on Shepard. “Now you’ll have to tell me,” he prompted.

Shepard snorted. “No. No, I don’t,” he said with a stubborn tilt to his lips. But they curved up and he spooned up more ice cream. “Not on the first date, anyway.” His smile was smug as he rolled the cold treat around in his mouth before swallowing. 

Kaidan threw back his head and laughed. It felt good. He hadn’t sat down and had a conversation with someone like this in a long time. Probably too long, he thought wistfully. He pushed away painful memories, determined to have a good time. “Is that what this is?” he asked. 

“Whether we call it that or not, that’s what everyone will be saying within fifteen minutes of seeing us sitting here,” Shepard said. He didn’t sound like the idea bothered him too much. 

Kaidan shrugged, and stared straight at Shepard when he said “I can’t say that I mind.”

Shepard’s eyebrows went up in surprise, but then came down in a cheerful smile. He tilted his head toward the motorcycle parked outside. “Nice bike,” he said.

They fell easily into a discussion about Kaidan’s bike. Shepard ribbed him a little for owning a Honda instead of a Harley, and Kaidan pointed out that he didn’t have time to get maintenance done all the time since he was constantly on the move. 

The bell jangled again, and more people came in. Ashley and the woman with the Australian accent -Miri?- greeted everyone by name. Glancing at the neon clock on the far wall, Kaidan could see that the dinner rush was probably about to start. He and Shepard got curious looks, but no one else came over.

They talked. About the bike, about the weather, about the meal. Kaidan was a little disappointed when Shepard turned down food because he’d just finished eating when Kaidan arrived. He found himself wishing he could watch Shepard put food in his mouth. He wanted to see Shepard lick his lips, and flex his jaw as he chewed…

Kaidan blinked. Where was this coming from? He’d seen plenty of good looking people in his travels, and had even been approached by a few. None had interested him though.

They talked a little about the town. Shepard owned the garage across the street, which Jack helped him run. The town was bigger than it looked. There was an elementary, although kids had to be bussed to the nearest middle school and high school. There was a grocery store hiding just off the main drag, and even a small library.

Kaidan found himself explaining how he’d found the town. He’d been on the freeway and had pulled off at a truck stop to fuel up. He’d seen the road heading away from the truck stop and decided to explore, eventually finding himself in Citadel. 

“So do you decide to just take random unmarked roads often?” Shepard asked. His eyes dropped to Kaidan’s plate and the cold fries he hadn’t finished.

Pushing his plate forward a little in invitation, Kaidan answered truthfully. “I’m trying to get lost,” he said softly.

Blue eyes came up to meet his, and there was a flash of understanding there. “Well this is a good place to do it,” Shepard said. He popped a fry in his mouth and chewed slowly. It was exactly as erotic as Kaidan had imagined it would be. 

Eventually the meal was finished, and the diner cleared out a bit. It wasn’t until Jack came storming back in that they realized it was well into the evening.

“Hey, fucker,” Jack snapped, once she was standing next to their booth. “I’m your employee, not your slave. You planning on coming back to work any time soon?”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Shepard said with an apologetic grimace which somehow seemed to encompass Kaidan as well. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Jack nodded and walked back out, slamming through the door so forcefully that it seemed she’d knock the bell hanging above it off it’s moorings. Kaidan noticed that she stopped to whisper in Miri’s ear before leaving and wondered what was going on there. At first he wasn't sure where the sudden curiosity came from, but when he turned back to Shepard he realized it was because he’d made a connection to this place in the few hours he’d spent sitting in this booth. 

“So,” Shepard said.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment before Shepard shifted. “It was nice to meet you, Kaidan,” he said slowly. He stood next to the table, his grease stained fingers tucked into his pockets. 

Kaidan held out a hand, and Shepard clasped it tightly. The handshake lasted a little longer than what was considered just friendly. He felt a small twinge of loss when their fingers finally slid apart. He watched Shepard leave, enjoying the sight of the oily rag hanging out of his back pocket.

“It’s a shame you’re just passing through.”

Kaidan started at the sound of Ashley’s voice. He smiled ruefully. “Yeah,” he agreed softly before shaking his head and focusing on her. “What do I owe you?”

Ashley looked over her shoulder to see Shepard disappearing into the garage across the street. “It’s on the house,” she answered.

“You don’t have to-”

She waved a hand to cut him off. “If you knew how rare it is to see him that cheerful, you’d understand.”

He couldn't help himself. “Really? Why?”

Her smile was sad as she began picking up the dishes. “That’s his story to tell,” she said before turning away to take the dishes back to the kitchen. 

Kaidan stared blankly after her. It wouldn't be an easy conversation, he was sure. He hadn’t forgotten the flash of insecurity in Shepard’s eyes when Kaidan had stared at him. 

With a shake of his head, Kaidan rose from the table and went outside. He unclipped his helmet from his bike and hefted it. Already he could feel the sun attempting to beat him into submission again, even though it was sitting on the horizon now. Once he got on the road, the wind would cool him down, but he didn’t feel the pull to get on the road like he normally did. He looked across the street, at the garage Shepard had pointed out. 

He would have liked….

Squashing that thought down, Kaidan pulled his helmet on and buckled it under his chin. It was time to go.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan pulled out of the diner parking lot slowly. There was a cop cruiser parked down the street, and the silhouette of a very large occupant in the driver’s seat told him that his earlier decision to not speed through the town was a good one. He gave a small salute as he drove past it, and smiled behind the visor of his helmet when he caught the sheriff's glare.

Citadel wasn’t so small that it didn’t have street lights, although the way Shepard had talked about it, Kaidan would have thought so. When he was stopped at one of the lights, he looked around, taking in the buildings. There were plenty of businesses, including a bank, an antique store and even a small mercantile store, with a chain grocery store next to it.

The light turned green, and as Kaidan accelerated through the intersection a sign for a laundromat caught his attention. He slowed slightly, and his mind went to the contents of his saddlebags. He only had enough clothing for a week if he changed every day, and that was something he didn’t do because he was on the road so much. As he neared it, he realized there was a motel right across the street. A glance at the darkening sky made up his mind. Citadel was as good a place as any to spend the night.

He pulled his bike into the motel parking lot. A large sign displaying the name Omega Motel had him snorting with laughter. A big name for a little motel, in a little town with a big name.

Inside, a grouchy looking older man sat behind the counter with his feet up on the desk, reading a magazine. He looked up over the edge with a look that said he was irritated by the interruption, but he put the magazine down with a sigh and stood up. “I suppose you need a room?” he asked in an irritated tone.

A woman’s voice came from the open office behind him. “Bray, don’t be rude.”

Bray cast a glare at the door, which he then turned in Kaidan’s direction. “Well?” he grumbled.

“Bray!” A tall, slender woman with dark coppery skin, exoticly slanted eyes, and nearly black hair in a pixie cut came out of the back office. “Jesus, I don’t even know why Aria bothers with you. Go find something productive to do.” She glared at him until he sauntered away and then turned to Kaidan with a welcoming smile. “Hi, welcome. Do you need a room?”

Kaidan returned her smile. “Yes, please.”

With a nod, the woman began taking his information. As she began entering it into the computer, she cast him a glance. “Are you here for the rock climbing, or just passing through?” she asked.

“Rock climbing?” Kaidan asked, interested. “Is that a thing around here?”

The woman laughed and gestured toward the wall of windows behind him. “Did you not see the big damn Rocky Mountains out there?”

He glanced outside. The town was surrounded by mountains, and he’d been admiring them the whole day as he followed the freeway north. “This place is kind of tucked back off the freeway,” he explained. “I’ve been through a few larger towns, and they seem to advertise things for the tourists. I imagine most tourists wouldn’t know this place is even here.”

She shrugged and smiled. “We’re a well kept secret, but we get our share of tourism.” She pulled an old fashioned key on a palm sized keychain out from under the counter and passed it over to him. “There you go. Last room on the top floor. The stairs are just outside.”

Kaidan smiled thankfully as he took the key. He turned to leave, but she called after him.

“If you need anything feel free to ask. I’m Nyreen, and despite the attitude, Bray’s willing to help as well.”

“Thanks, Nyreen,” Kaidan said with a nod.

Outside he unhooked his saddlebags from his bike, and made his way up to his room. The outside of the building looked like any other shabby, small town motel he’d stayed in before, but inside the room was surprisingly pleasant. The room was decorated in blues and greens. The bed had an actual quilt, and several large pillows. There was a full sized dresser with a large TV on top of it that apparently had cable. A window at the back of the room had two sets of curtains, the first being sheer white and the second being thick dark drapes that would keep out the light of day. And the small bathroom at the back didn’t look like something out of a Stephen King movie. That was impressive, because normally all motel bathrooms looked like hell.

Once his exploration was finished, he tossed the bags on the bed and pulled his jacket off. He really wanted to get in the shower and wash the sweat and dust from the road off, but he didn’t have anything clean to put on afterwards. A trip to the laundromat was definitely in order.

He had his dirty clothes folded into a small canvas bag for easier carrying, so he pulled them out. Tucking his keys and wallet in his pocket, he made his way back outside. It was just a short walk to the laundromat, and even though it was still hot outside, it was easier to deal with now that the sun was no longer beating down on him directly.

At first glance, the laundromat seemed empty but just inside the door, Kaidan realized his mistake. Near the back, there was a washing machine pulled away from the wall. The clank of tools told him there was someone back there working on it. “Hello?” he called.

A young woman’s face framed by a purple scarf popped up over the back of the washing machine. “Oh hello,” she said cheerfully. “Don’t mind me. Just fixing this up. The washers over there are still working.” She gestured to another row of washers with a pair of pliers, and then ducked back down to whatever she was working on.

Kaidan shrugged and walked over to settle his things on top of one of the washers. He grabbed some change from a machine near the door and went to the vending machine that sold single boxes of detergent. The machine took his quarters, and then made a strange k-thunk sound. “Shit,” he muttered when nothing came out.

“Did it steal your money?”

Kaidan turned to see the young woman peeking over the back of the broken washer again. “Yeah,” he sighed. He quirked a brow in her direction. “I don’t suppose you know if a kick will fix it?”

She laughed and pushed to her feet. “No, but I’ll show you the trick.”

Kaidan backed out of her way when she came up next to him. She was short, barely coming to the middle of his chest, but she was apparently pretty strong. With one foot hooked under the bottom of the vending machine, she planted her palms near the top of it. Lifting with her foot and pushing with her hands, she lifted the front end of the machine about an inch off the floor and then dropped it. The machine made a few whirring and thumping sounds and then the box of soap dropped into the vending slot.

She bent down and pulled the box out and presented it to him with a wide smile. She had eyes of such a pale blue that they seemed to glow from under dark lashes, and at that moment they were sparkling with pleasure.

Returning her smile, Kaidan took the box from her. “Thanks…?” he trailed off questioningly.

“I’m Tali,” she said.

“Thanks, Tali,” he said. “I’m Kaidan.”

She walked with him back to the washer where he’d left his things. With a hop, she lifted herself up onto the washer next to the one he was using and leaned towards him eagerly. “I haven’t seen you around. Have you been here long?”

“I just stopped in town today for dinner,” Kaidan said as he loaded the washer with quarters. “Decided to stay for the night and take care of some laundry while I’m here.”

“Have you been out camping?” she asked as he started putting clothes into the machine.

He lifted his head to look at her. “Do a lot of campers come through here?”

Tali shrugged. “There’s a lot of places up the canyons around here that are great for camping if you’re into that. We get a lot of people stopping for supplies on their way to the canyons.”

“Huh,” he said thoughtfully. He punched a button and the water started to fill the machine. “Nyreen at the hotel mentioned rock climbing too.”

Tali nodded at him. “Yeah, and also mountain biking, and hiking.”

“Well I’m just passing through,” Kaidan said. He turned to face her and leaned a hip against the counter. “I’m on a road trip.”

“Really?” she asked curiously. “Where are you from?”

Before he could answer, the door swung open, bringing both of their attention to the front of the building. A man Kaidan recognized instantly walked through the door, carrying a toolbox.

“Hey Tali, I brought the tools you needed-” Shepard broke off when he noticed Kaidan and Tali near the washers. A warm smile spread across his features when his eyes fell on Kaidan. “Hi again,” he said.

Kaidan could practically feel the curiosity rolling off Tali in waves. “Hey,” he replied simply.

Shepard must have realized he was staring. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to Tali. “I brought your stuff,” he said, lifting the toolbox.

Tali hopped off the washer and walked over to relieve him of the toolbox, but he held it away from her and motioned for her to lead him to the project she was working on. She rolled her eyes at him, and led him back to the washer where Kaidan had first seen her. “You two have met?” she asked.

Shepard cast a glance over his shoulder at Kaidan. “We kind of had dinner together.”

The look Tali gave him was dripping with curiosity, but when Shepard didn’t say anything more she just threw a glance at Kaidan before turning to business.

Kaidan listened to them talking as they both bent over the back of the washer Tali had been working on. Most of what they said went over his head, but it was clear they were repairing an electrical issue. With nothing better to do, because he’d left his Kindle in the motel he wandered over to see what they were doing.

Shepard glanced up at him and flashed him a brief smile. He had a flashlight held precariously between his jaw and shoulder and was holding something for Tali while she worked the wires with delicate fingers. “Hey, hold this,” he said.

Kaidan reached down and took the light, and a shiver went through him when his fingers brushed Shepard’s scarred jaw. He hoped the other man didn’t notice. He’d hate for Shepard to think it was revulsion, because that was the complete opposite of what Kaidan was feeling right now. Ignoring the pounding in his ears, Kaidan directed the flashlight beam down towards their hands.

“Oh that’s better,” Tali said without looking up. “Thank you.”

Whatever she was fixing took another quarter of an hour or so. She said something that sounded Russian in a victorious tone and pushed herself to her feet. Kaidan was directly behind her and she bumped into him. He had to put an arm around her waist to steady her.

Shepard gave him an odd look as he stood up also, but it lasted only a second. “All done?” he asked Tali as Kaidan backed up and let go of her.

“Yes,” she said cheerfully. “It’s good as new.” She patted the washer as if it were a particularly well behaved child. “I’d better get out of here. I told Garrus I’d meet him-”

The sound of the door opening brought all their attention around. A tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed man in a sheriff uniform and a deputy badge walked in. He surveyed the situation with cool eyes that made Kaidan realize he didn’t want to be on this man’s bad side. He was almost as intimidating as the sheriff he’d met earlier. He wasn’t as big, but he looked like he wouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger in a tense situation.

Then the man’s eyes landed on Tali, and they warmed up so much that Kaidan almost felt like he was intruding.

“Speak of the devil,” Shepard said with a grin. “Hey, Garrus.”

“Are you trying to steal my wife again, Shep?” Garrus asked as he sauntered further into the building.

The buzzer on Kaidan’s washer went off, startling him. He smiled and went over to move his laundry. Behind him, the conversation continued, but he could feel Garrus’ eyes drilling between his shoulderblades.

“I learned my lesson back in highschool,” Shepard said. “You’re definitely the better man.”

Kaidan could see that Garrus’ eyes were definitely on him when he turned away from the dryer. “You’re right,” he said to Shepard. Then to Kaidan, “You’re not from around here.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan answered. “I’m staying the night at the Omega. I figured it’s a bit too late to really go anywhere, and I needed to get some laundry done before I leave town.”

Garrus was still staring at him intently. “Just passing through, huh?”

Tali punched him in the shoulder. “Stop trying to intimidate him.”

Her husband gave an overly dramatic wince and turned sad, bewildered eyes on her. “I wasn’t trying to-” he broke off and held up his hands defensively when she lifted a fist again. “Okay, I’m sorry!” and then to Kaidan. This time when he spoke, his whole demeanor had changed. He was no longer the big intimidating cop, but was just a normal guy in a uniform. “I’m sorry! It’s the badge, it makes me want to keep an eye on strangers in my town, you know?”

Kaidan chuckled. He understood of course. And he hadn’t been intimidated at all. Not after seeing the way Garrus had looked at Tali. The man was all tough shell and gooey insides. “No offense taken,” he said. He stepped forward to introduce himself, holding out a hand. “Kaidan Alenko.”

“Garrus Vakarian,” the other man said, and this time his tone was friendly. “And while it’s nice to meet you, I am going to take my wife home now because I haven’t seen her all day and I miss her.”

Kaidan lifted a brow as Garrus turned away from him and picked up the box of tools that Tali had just finished straightening and closing. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and led her to the door. “Good night,” he called before leaning down to say something to her. Kaidan caught “-love it when you’re mean,” before Tali’s laughter drowned out whatever they were saying.

 

He smiled after them for a moment before something occurred to him. He was alone with Shepard.

He was totally okay with that.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard rolled his eyes, and turned to push the washer back into place. "So you're staying the night?" he asked once he was finished.

"Yeah," Kaidan said. "I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get to the next town, and when I saw the laundromat, I figured it was a good opportunity to stop."

A sliver of guilt threaded through Shepard for keeping Kaidan at the diner for so long. He winced, and smiled apologetically. "Sorry if I ruined your plans," he said.

One side of Kaidan's mouth quirked up. "No need to apologize," he said as he leaned a hip against the washer closest to him. "I don't really have plans. I just ride until I feel like stopping."

That was odd enough to make Shepard frown. "Are you on vacation, or...?"

Kaidan's expression dimmed, and he glanced away. "I'm on an extended leave of absence," he answered. When he looked back at Shepard, his smile was back in place but not quite as open as it had seemed before. "I'm not in a hurry to get home any time soon."

He was running from something, Shepard realized. He recognized the signs, because it was something he had also done. Of course for him, running away meant coming home, whereas for Kaidan it seemed to mean avoiding home. Shepard had wanted to get out of Citadel his whole life, and when he'd finally left he'd been fascinated with the places he had been. However, when things had gone bad, coming home had been his only escape. He had problems leaving Citadel now, even for a shopping trip in Thessia which was the next largest town nearby.

He couldn't handle the unknown anymore. Here in Citadel, he knew every building, every street, and almost every person. There would be no chance of turning a corner and reliving the sudden memory of a hail of bullets.

Curiosity ate at him. He wanted to know what troubles Kaidan was running from, but he barely knew the man. It wasn't his right to ask questions. So he only smiled and pushed the curiosity away. "That must be nice. The downside to being my own boss is that I can't usually justify taking a sick day, much less a vacation."

That made the sparkle come back to Kaidan's eyes. "Yeah, well no wonder. It's hard to call in sick without feeling weird for talking to yourself."

Shepard laughed at that mental image. "Oh man, Jack would never let me live that down," he said. He cocked his head to the side as a thought occurred to him. "On the other hand, if she thought I was going crazy, she might be the one to insist that I take time off." He gave Kaidan a conspiratorial grin. "Well, now I have a plan for the next time I feel like blowing off work."

When Kaidan laughed as well, Shepard felt it in the pit of his stomach. What was it about this man's husky laugh that made him feel like a giddy teen? He couldn't actually remember feeling this way as a teen either, come to think of it. He'd been excited the time he and James had snuck behind the bleachers to fool around, and there was that time with Ashley in the back of his truck after prom, but neither of them had made him feel flushed and shaky. The few men he'd dated while he'd been in the military hadn't given him this same sense of need that he was experiencing now.

Maybe it was because Kaidan was a stranger? Everyone he'd ever been interested in, sexually or otherwise, were people he'd been friends with first. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to people, he just had no interest in sex or more with anyone he hadn't already gotten to know first. But he'd taken one look into Kaidan's eyes and he'd known immediately that he would have said yes to a one night stand with this man.

Yeah, he wanted Kaidan bad. But the more they talked, the more Shepard wished Kaidan were sticking around in Citadel so that he could actually get to know him. He enjoyed Kaidan's company, and not just because it was nice having a conversation with someone who didn't already think they knew everything about him.

He wanted to ask him to stay for a few days, but what good would that do? Kaidan had a life out there, even if he was avoiding it at the moment. Shepard couldn't just ask him to stay, even though the words were suddenly on the tip of his tongue. Instead he asked a different question. "What kind of work lets you take an extended leave of absence?"

The shadow crossed Kaidan's expression again, but he didn't lose his smile. "I'm a cop."

"Really?" Shepard honestly hadn't expected that, although now that he knew, he could see it. Kaidan had an aura of authority around him, and a way of holding himself that said he could either snap orders or snap to attention at any second. He couldn't help picturing Kaidan in a uniform, and then in just pieces of his uniform. That second image had him shifting his hips slightly to find a more comfortable position.

Kaidan nodded. "A detective, actually. Just like my dad was before me. It's kind of a family thing."

"I joined the army for the same reason," Shepard slipped a finger under the collar of his shirt, hooking it under the chain of the dog-tags he still wore.  He pulled them out so Kaidan could see, then let them drop back down to his chest over the cloth. "My dad was in the army until I was five."

"I assume you're no longer enlisted, then?" Kaidan's eyes had dropped to the silver tabs resting on Shepard's chest, but he looked back up with his next question. "Since you're running the garage now?"

This time when Shepard shifted uncomfortably, it wasn't because his pants were feeling too tight. He dropped his gaze to the white and grey linoleum under his feet and shrugged. "I was honorably discharged after I was-" involuntarily one of his hands lifted to his face, but as soon as he realized it he changed the motion until he was scratching his shoulder instead "After I was injured," he finished quietly.

A glance up told him that Kaidan either hadn't noticed Shepard's aborted movement, or that he had and was doing a good job of pretending he hadn't. "Back when my dad left the army, he opened the garage in Citadel," he explained, putting a little more vigor behind the words. "So when I came home from the army, I took over the shop too."

"So he's retired now?" Kaidan asked, obviously remembering that Shepard said he was his own boss.

This was a topic that Shepard no longer felt pained to talk about. "He and my mom died in a car accident when I was sixteen," he explained. When Kaidan's expression immediately turned to one of sorrow, Shepard held up a hand and smiled gently. "It was a long time ago."

"Yeah, but that is… I mean, you must miss them," Kaidan said.

Shepard's smile dimmed slightly as he thought of how long it had been since he'd talked shop with his dad, or heard his mom singing in the kitchen. "Sometimes it hits me," he said honestly. "But it's not something I think about constantly. Time heals all wounds, right?" He hoped so anyway. He couldn't deal with the headspace he was in forever.

Again, Kaidan's expression slipped. He cleared his throat and straightened, not quite meeting Shepard's gaze for a moment. "Yeah," he said. "I guess that's true."

Knowing that he was barely more than a stranger to Kaidan didn't stop Shepard from wanting to ask what he was thinking about that hurt him so badly. And that's what it was that he was seeing, he was absolutely certain. He may have only known Kaidan for a few hours, but the man's face was expressive. Shepard doubted he had a lot of practice hiding his feelings. His mind whirled with possibilities, all of which he discarded immediately. It obviously wasn't something about Kaidan's parents, or he would have had a different reaction to Shepard's story about his mom and dad. Was it something about his job? Or an ex lover? Shepard hadn't seen a wedding ring, but that didn't mean that Kaidan didn't have someone in his past that he missed.

For some reason, that thought hurt. The realization that he might be jealous, over someone who he barely knew, struck him as completely ridiculous and he suddenly wished Jack was around to smack him up-side the head. Imagining how hard she would hit him helped slightly, and he felt a little bit of his mental equilibrium return. The discussion had gotten heavy, and he knew it was time to change the subject.

Before he could think of something to say, there was a loud buzz. He was startled enough that he nearly leaped out of his skin, and found himself reaching for a gun he no longer carried. Gunfire and screams filled his ears, and for a moment the room he stood in faded away and he was once again standing in the dusty streets of a small town in a country on the other side of the world. When his fingers grasped only air, his mind slid back into the now and he took a deep breath.

Kaidan was giving him a wary look. "Looks like my clothes are dry," he said, gesturing toward the dryer on the other side of the room. "Are you alright?"

Shepard's heart was pounding in his ears, and he was gasping as if he'd been running, making his throat feel raw. With an effort, he sucked air into his lungs until they ached and let it out slowly. His heart slowed only marginally and he began to shake. He nodded jerkily, but jumped again when the dryer buzzed a second time.

The other man quickly walked over and opened the dryer door to turn it off. Without even glancing at the clothes inside he came over to Shepard, his expression concerned. He stopped just short of touching him though, and Shepard felt a ghost of regret through the panic he was trying to hold at bay.

"You don't look so hot," Kaidan said in a low gentle tone.

That husky voice smoothed over Shepard's nerves, and he felt the trembling subside slightly. He nodded again, and this time the movement felt normal. "Yeah, I'm-" he cut off short of lying. "I'll be fine." Kaidan didn't look like he believed him, but he moved back to give Shepard more room. Oddly, Shepard regretted that too. "I think I'd better get home," he said. He was still shaking and he thought it would be a good idea to get back, just in case things got worse instead of better.

Kaidan nodded slowly, features still etched with concern. "Okay," he said. "Thanks for keeping me company."

Shepard couldn't help but smile. "Anytime," he said. It was the kind of offhand answer anyone would use to reply to being thanked, but it was the truth too. He would have been happy to keep Kaidan company any time.

He grabbed his toolbox, and headed for the door. He had it pulled open and was halfway through when Kaidan's voice stopped him.

"You're really going to be okay?" Kaidan called softly.

Shepard looked over his shoulder at the other man, and once again found himself tempted to ask him to stay in Citadel for a few days. Tomorrow was Friday, and they could catch a movie or get a drink, and maybe Saturday- he cut those thoughts off and gave Kaidan what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Yeah," he said. And then for some unknown reason added "I will be. All I need is time."

Once again, there was that shadow of doubt in Kaidan's eyes, but he smiled. "Right," he replied. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Shepard said softly.

Outside he began shaking hard again. Once in his truck it took a couple tries to get the key in the ignition because his fingers didn't want to cooperate. A few deep breaths calmed him enough and he was able to get the engine started. As he pulled away from the curb it occurred to him that there was something different this time. Instead of his mind screaming at him to get home, get safe, there was a whisper underneath it all telling him to go back.

He hoped Jack hadn't finished off the last of the rum. He needed a drink.


	5. Chapter 5

Time heals all wounds.  It was one of those things that everyone knew, but Kaidan still wasn't sure.  Seeing the terror and disgust in Rahna's eyes had been the most painful thing he'd ever experienced, never mind the knife wound he'd received trying to protect her.  Just thinking of that night sent pain lancing through his chest and he had to concentrate on not letting his disquiet show on the surface.  

He shook his head and started folding his laundry and putting it back in the canvas bag.  His thoughts turned back to Shepard.  He could see that the man was suffering.  Some sort of PTSD?  Now that he knew Shepard was ex-military, Kaidan was pretty sure he knew where that scarring on his face came from.  It looked like the skin had been sliced open several times, and whatever had cut him had slashed back and forth, up and down, in no discernable pattern.  The scars ran down the side of his neck too, and Kaidan wondered how far they went.  

Those were only the visible scars.  It was obvious that the sudden sound of the dryer buzzer had set off some kind of panic attack in the other man.  He felt guilty as hell for letting him leave on his own.  As Kaidan made his way back to his motel room, he berated himself for not doing more.  He didn't know how Shepard would have reacted to his help though.  He'd been taught how to deal with panicked people while he was in the force, and it was training he'd had to use on a few occasions.  But Shepard had said he wanted to go home, and the desperation in his eyes had convinced Kaidan that was the best thing for him at the moment.

Although he wished he'd touched him.  For just an instant, he'd thought Shepard might have wanted him to....

Once he was back in his room, Kaidan tossed the canvas bag with his laundry onto the floor next to his bed where he'd moved his saddle bags earlier.  He suddenly felt completely exhausted.  The cool air blowing from the AC unit near the window felt good, but it served as a reminder that he was sticky with drying sweat and dust.  

A yawn cracked his jaws and he stared down at the bed longingly.  The logical part of his brain knew he'd sleep like crap if he didn't clean up first though.  Stripping down, he made his way to the bathroom and into the shower.  Before pulling the curtain shut, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.  

Rahna always told him he was as vain as a woman because of how well he took care of himself, but he'd always laughed her comments off.  Now though, he could admit to himself that she was probably right as he took a good look at himself.  His skin was pale because he kept fully covered while he was out in the sun most of the time.  His jacket, gloves, and helmet didn't leave him exposed enough to develop a tan.  Black hair covered his chest and limbs.  Not a lot, but enough that Rahna would occasionally tease him about being fuzzy.  He had always been somewhat slim, but there was still a lot of muscle under all that pale skin.

As he turned slightly, the pale pink scar where the mugger's knife had sliced from low on his belly to up just under his ribs became visible on his reflection.  Running his fingers over it, he could feel a ghost of the pain that had burned through him when he'd received it.  Would Shepard be more willing to open up to him if he knew that Kaidan also had scars?

He snorted at himself, and pulled the shower curtain shut.  It took just a moment to adjust the water to the right temperature, and then it was pouring down over him.  Sweat and dust sluiced away under the pounding spray.  A sigh of relief escaped him as he ducked his head under the water.  The pleasure of getting clean was almost enough to wash away thoughts of Shepard.  Almost.

As he washed his hair, he noticed that it was getting long, which made him think of Shepard's buzz cut.  His own hair was thick and curly and felt silky as he rinsed out first the soap, and then the conditioner.  It made him wonder what it would feel like to run his fingers over Shepard's scalp.  Would it feel prickly?  Or would it feel like soft velvet?  It looked black like Kaidan's but that could be because it was so short.  It could be brown with red highlights for all he knew.  

Imagining himself running his fingers over Shepard's buzzed hair led to fantasies about touching him other places as well.  He wanted to touch the scars on his face, and to trace the line of his lips.  His fingers traced a path down his own throat and down over his own chest in an imitation of what he wanted to explore on Shepard's body.  Stopping briefly at his nipples before sliding down his stomach, and then further.

When he finally took himself in his hand, he groaned.  How long had it been?  He and Rahna had been married long enough that their sex life had slowed down considerably, and she certainly hadn't touched him since... his mind skittered away from those thoughts.  It had been a very long time since he'd been with anyone, and months since he'd even considered taking care of his own needs.  

Imagining smiling blue eyes surrounded on one side by scars, Kaidan was suddenly aware of how long it had been since he’d given himself any kind of release.  He began to stroke himself gently, enjoying the sensations of cool water running over hot skin.  He pictured doing this for Shepard, and his mouth fell open on a gasp.  Leaning his head forward, he let water flow into his mouth until it spilled over onto his cheeks.  His grip tightened, and the pace of his movements sped up.  His head dropped forward, but when he saw his own hand, he squeezed his eyes shut and pretended that it was someone else's.  A large hand with long, thin fingers that would look almost delicate if they weren't so strong.  Fingers that would probably still have grease caught in the wrinkles around the knuckles.

Kaidan gritted his teeth to keep from calling out when he finally came.  He couldn't hold back completely, but the choked sound he made was hopefully quiet enough that it wouldn't carry through to the next room if he had a neighbor over there.  

He had to brace himself against the shower wall afterwards.  The exhaustion he'd been feeling before had seemed to wash away with the dust and sweat under the cool water, but now it was back even stronger than before.  He wasn't sure exactly why he was so tired, but he expected that he'd probably spent too much time out in the heat of the day.  Summertime in the southwestern United States was hot as hell, and he'd caught himself regretting his black jacket and helmet a few times during his travels over the last few weeks.  

A dull ache had been building behind his eyes for a few hours now, and there had been a few halos in his vision while he was at the laundromat.  The headache had receded slightly while he was touching himself, but now it was knocking at his attention again.  Hopefully sleep would chase it away before it turned into a full blown migraine.

Quickly, he washed his body and turned off the water.  He toweled himself off haphazardly, leaving patches of damp skin exposed to the air.  Roughly he ran the towel over his hair before draping it over his shoulders.  

Long black locks of hair flopped over his forehead and fell into his eyes.  Leaning over the counter he ran his fingers through the curls and pulled at them, grimacing when he realized just how long his hair had gotten.  He needed a haircut badly.  It was long enough in the back that he could pull it into a tiny ponytail.

Grunting at his reflection, he tossed the towel over the bar holding up the shower curtain and flipped the light off on his way back out to the bedroom.  Not bothering to pull on any clothing, he pulled the blankets back and crawled onto the mattress that was just as hard as it looked.  A wry chuckle escaped him as he shifted around until he was comfortably stretched out on his stomach.  The room may have looked nicer than any motel he'd been in for a while, but the bed was definitely as uncomfortable as what you'd find in any seedy Motel 6.  But at least the sheets smelled as clean as they looked.  

His hair flopped back down over his eyes once he was comfortable but he didn't bother to push it away since he had them closed.  As he drifted to sleep, he wondered how hard it would be to find a barber to get his hair taken care of before he left town tomorrow.  Maybe he'd get a chance to see Shepard again.

Even though his last thought was about the handsome blue-eyed ex soldier, Kaidan’s dreams were not about him, and they were anything but pleasant.  

_He was back in the hospital, going in and out of consciousness between surgery and visits by doctors.  Through his pain, he looked for Rahna, wondering why she wasn’t there._

_Other faces were there of course.  His mother, in tears next to his bed.  Kasumi with her arm around Liara’s shoulders, pain and worry etched on their features.  Even his father, stoic as always.  He hurt all over, although he realized dully that he would have been on morphine and wouldn’t have felt anything.  The pain coalesced and burned in his mind, thumping to the beat of his heart._

_Through the pain, only one thought kept circling through his mind._ Where is she?  Is she alright?  Did I fail her?

_The fear that he may not have been able to protect his wife from the mugger, that she might be in another room in the hospital, or worse, ratcheted the pain up and he whimpered._

It was the sound coming from his own lips that finally woke him.  At first he thought he was back in the hospital, although the room was pitch dark, something that would have been rare with all the machines he’d been hooked up to during his recovery.  

Turning his head on the pillow sent a wave of pain through his head, and down the back of his neck.  He wanted to groan, but he held it in.  It hurt to think, but the memory of where he was floated up through the waves of pain.  He risked opening his eyes to look at the clock.  The sun would be up in just over an hour, so at least he’d gotten a little bit of sleep.  

He rolled until he was back on his stomach, and this time he did groan.  Moving was very much not a good idea, but he was most comfortable that way.  Kaidan was pretty sure this migraine was going to be a doozy, so he prepared himself to wait it out.  So much for the pleasant mood he’d been in when he went to bed.  

 


	6. Chapter 6

Bright sunlight spilled in through the windows, turning the front room of Shepard's house a warm golden color as it reflected off the hardwood floors.  He barely even noticed because exhaustion was finally starting to dig into him.  After a hard night of pacing, and shaking, and jumping at every creak and groan of an old house settling, he felt like he’d been through a rough day of boot camp again.  When Jack set a plate of scrambled eggs in front of him, he finally blinked and looked up at her.  He'd been sitting at the dining table for at least an hour, and he could feel the muscles in his neck protesting the movement.

"Eat," Jack said gently.  She settled down in the chair across from him, and watched him until he picked up the fork and began picking at the eggs.

Anyone else would have been surprised at the soft tone, but Shepard knew Jack better than everyone except maybe Miranda. He'd been the one to take care of her when she couldn't hold in the stress of living with an abusive asshole of a dad, and she'd returned the favor by taking care of him since he'd come home to Citadel, scarred on the outside, and still wounded on the inside.  He doubted anyone outside of this house even knew she could cook.  Which was a shame, he thought as he took a bite of the fluffy eggs.  She was _really_ good at it.  "Thanks, Jack," he said as he chewed.

She glared at him, although it wasn't as fierce as usual.  "Don't talk with your mouth full, stupid," she snapped.  The words didn't hold as much heat either, and her scowl faded quickly.  "Do you feel like talking about it yet?" she asked.

He took another bite and chewed slowly in an attempt to avoid her question.  He didn't feel like talking, although his therapist had insisted that getting his fears out in the open would help.  He missed Doctor Chakwas sometimes.  She still called him occasionally to check on him even though he was no longer officially under her care, but it wasn't quite the same as seeing her in person.  Finally he swallowed.  He still didn't want to talk, but he decided he could at least tell Jack what had set him off.  "I went to take Tali the tools she needed," he started.  He couldn't quite look up at her, so he focused on pushing his breakfast around on the plate.  "While I was there, one of the dryer buzzers went off and it startled me."

It seemed like such a small thing, but sometimes that was all it took to set off his panic attacks.  He could be fine in a raucous bar, or go out shooting with Garrus on some days, and other days just a dog barking unexpectedly would send him into cold chills.  It wasn't as bad now that he was home in Citadel though.  Before he'd left his apartment in Denver, he'd been a total wreck nearly every other day.  The drugs he'd been prescribed helped, but he didn't like to take them.  He felt like they shut his emotions down too far, and that was almost scarier than just dealing with the attacks as they came.  Luckily Doctor Chakwas had agreed that going back to Citadel was probably going to be good for him.  He hadn't taken his meds since a few weeks after getting home, and while last night's attack had been bad, it was nowhere near the worst one he'd ever had.  

He was getting better.  That thought cheered him up considerably.  He wasn't going to let this PTSD shit defeat him.  He just regretted that he'd had an attack in front of Kaidan.  It wasn't as embarrassing as he'd thought it would be, though.  Kaidan had seemed to understand what was going on, and there had been no judgement in his eyes.  Everyone else seemed to either treat him with kid gloves, or seemed to think he was making it out to be worse than it was.

"Damn, Boy scout.  When did you become such a pussy?" Jack said with a snort.  

Despite her harsh words, Shepard laughed.  Jack was not in either group.  She knew trauma.  She knew when he needed gentleness, and she knew when she could be her normal bitchy self with him.  Apparently she'd decided that he was well enough for the latter now.  

She was right, and he was feeling good enough to give her back as good as she gave.  "Hey fuck you," he said with a grin.  "If I can brave your cooking, then I think I'm allowed to jump at loud noises now and then."  Just to add to the joke, he took a big bite of eggs.  They really were delicious.  He could cook too, but he'd never figured out her secret when it came to scrambling eggs.

His comment earned him a bruising punch in the arm, but he just laughed at her.  Her full lips turned up in a smile, and her dark eyes shone with humor.  "Asshole," she muttered, but her angry tone was contradicted by her expression.  She pushed herself up from her seat and looked down at him haughtily.  "Well since you've ruined my night, I'm taking the day off and going to bed until at least noon."

She made to stalk away, but Shepard caught her wrist.  He waited until her eyes met his before he spoke.  "Thanks," he said sincerely.  "For everything."

Her features softened, and he knew he was seeing the same Jack that he'd rescued from a drunk and raging father.  The same girl who had become almost closer than family.  "No need to thank me, Matty," she said, using the pet name that only family called him.  Then her mask slipped back into place, and her tone was cooler when she pulled out of his grip.  She sauntered down the hall to the back room, calling over her shoulder.  "You should try to get some sleep too."  

Shepard sighed and looked at the clock.  He had promised Steve that he'd stop by the fire station and take a look at one of the trucks today but he still had a few hours.  Part of him suspected it might be better if he just stayed awake, but he really was exhausted.  He shoveled down the rest of his breakfast and after putting the dishes in the sink, went to his room.  Normandy was curled up on his pillow, but she only started purring when he picked her up and settled down in a warm ball next to his side once he laid down.  

For a few minute he stared at the ceiling apprehensively.  He really did feel better, but would his dreams cooperate if he went to sleep?  His eyes drooped anyway, and he fell asleep.  

The shrill ring of the phone next to Shepard's bed jerked him awake, and he cursed out loud.  The memory of Kaidan's mouth in his dreams clung to the corners of his mind, and he didn't want them to fade away.  The second ring of the phone made him curse again when he realized that he'd forgotten to set an alarm.  Normandy jumped off the bed when he rolled toward her in an effort to reach the phone.  He nearly knocked it over, but managed to pick it up on the fourth ring.  "Hello?" he answered groggily.

"You sound like hell," Steve said cheerfully across the line.

"Thanks," Shepard grunted.  Steve was right, he did sound like hell.  He cleared his throat, which seemed to help.  "Hey, I'm sorry, I had a late night."  He'd caught a look at the time when he'd fumbled for the phone and he was over an hour late for their appointment.

"Sounds like it," Steve said with a laugh.  "Did you get lucky with that hot guy from the diner?"

Shepard blinked in surprise.  "Kaidan?  How did you-?" he cut off.  James would have told him of course.  "No," he said quickly.  "It was something else."

There was a disappointed sigh.  "Too bad.  From the way James was talking about this guy, I was almost a little jealous."

Possessiveness flooded through Shepard, which was so absurd that he laughed out loud.  "About me or about James?" he teased as he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.  Of course he had no reason to feel possessive.  It wasn’t like Kaidan was his.  Besides, he'd probably left Citadel hours ago.  Ignoring the disappointment those thoughts generated, he grabbed some clothes out of his closet.

"Maybe both," Steve said with  a chuckle.  "So now that you're awake...?"

"I'll be there as soon as I'm dressed," Shepard assured him.

After a quick shower, and a pitstop in the kitchen to grab a banana, Shepard was out the door and pulling into the fire station about half an hour later.  Shortly after that, he and Steve had the fire engine open and were up to their elbows in parts.  Steve was a pretty good mechanic in his own right, but fixing a machine this big usually took two people.

Their talk centered around the repairs that needed to be made.  Eventually they fell silent with only the clank of tools to punctuate their work.  Despite having a slight headache from not getting enough sleep, Shepard felt pretty good, and had even started humming to himself as he worked.  The part of his mind that wasn't taken up with what he was doing wandered, and he smiled slightly as he remembered the dream he'd been having about Kaidan.

Steve's voice broke into his thoughts.  "You're not lying to me about getting laid last night are you?" he asked with an easy grin.

Shepard blinked.  "What?"

Steve didn't look at him as he loosened bolts.  "The way you were smiling right now made me wonder.  You have the look."

Shepard had known Steve too long to be embarrassed.  He grinned and stood up straight to stretch his back.  "That would have been nice, but no," he answered.  "Just dinner and talking, and a really hot dream that was very rudely interrupted."  He gave Steve a pointed look at that last comment.

The other man chuckled and shook his head.  "Well I'm sorry about that," he said.  He glanced up briefly.  "It would be nice to see you dating.  You deserve a little happiness."

Shepard had first met Steve when he'd come home on leave to visit friends several years before.  It had felt a little awkward at first, meeting James' new boyfriend.  But luckily they'd hit it off, and Steve didn't seem to mind that Shepard knew about James’ special tattoos.  The ones that no one could see unless he was naked.  The man was easy to talk to, and they'd had quite a few beers together on Shepard's porch after he'd come home to Citadel.  

The fact that Steve wanted him to be happy warmed Shepard.  "Thanks," he said, completely sincere.  Then he shrugged.  "It's hard to find someone to date in a small town, though.  Especially when you prefer men."  He stopped to grin at the other man.  "You've got James now, so I lost my chance there."

Steve snorted and rolled his eyes.  "Some days, if you asked nicely enough, I might let you have him back."  They both laughed at that.  

"But seriously?" Shepard said as he pulled a rag out to clean his hands.  "That's one thing I do miss about living in Denver.  It was much easier to meet guys."

"Don't you like women too?" Steve asked.  He stopped what he was doing and went over to a cooler to grab a couple bottles of soda, one of which he tossed to Shepard.  “I’ve heard a few things about you and Ashley.”

“Sometimes,” Shepard answered truthfully.  He wasn’t about to admit that his last girlfriend had broken up with him when he’d suggested pegging though.  That had been shortly after boot camp, and he hadn’t really approached women very often since then.  

“But mostly they like you, right?” Steve asked before lifting his drink to his mouth.

Shepard laughed.  “Hell, I don’t know,” he said.  “I think Jack scares them all away.”

“Now that, I can believe,” Steve said with a laugh.  He took another drink and sighed.  “Damn it’s hot today.”

“No kidding,” Shepard said.  August in the desert was a bitch, and there wasn’t air conditioning in this part of the fire station.  He sighed and chugged the rest of his soda, letting out a belch when he was done.  He grinned when Steve rolled his eyes at him and clapped his hands together.  “Alright, enough about my personal life.  Let’s get this bastard fixed and put back together.”

But did he really have a personal life?  The heat, the work, and the conversation with a good friend were not enough to distract him from the thought that he didn’t.  If things didn’t get better inside his head soon, he was going to have to go back on his meds and move to a city.  He _really_ needed to get laid.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Kaidan opened one eye and immediately shut it again.  He'd pulled the heavy curtains closed the night before, but he'd accidentally left a few inches open.  The sunlight streaming in through that opening in the cloth was enough to stab straight into his brain even though his head was turned away from the window.  He groaned as a wave of pain swept from the back of his head and down his neck, and his fingers clenched into the sheets reflexively.  

In the brief seconds that his eyes had been open, he got a glance at the clock.  He groaned again because he only had twenty minutes until checkout time, and he needed to call the office, but he didn’t want to move.  There was no way he was going anywhere until this migraine cleared up.

Knowing that he really had no choice, Kaidan pushed himself up on his arms.  The movement was enough to send his head throbbing in time with his heartbeat and he would have cursed out loud if he weren't afraid the sound would make things worse.  He was tempted to flop back down on his stomach, but he knew that would be just as bad as getting up.  At the very least he needed to shut the curtains the rest of the way.  

Incrementally he moved until he was first sitting up on the edge of the bed, then standing.  One step was all he needed to reach the curtains, and he sighed in relief when the darkness enclosed him completely.  He was really thankful for the thick drapes right now.  He made his way back to the bed, but instead of lying down he picked up the phone on the bedside table and dialed the front office.  The two rings before the line was picked up drilled through him painfully, but he gritted his teeth through it. 

The woman he'd rented the room from the night before, Nyreen if he remembered right, was the one to pick up.  She expressed concern when she heard his voice, asking him if he was alright and if he needed anything other than an extension on the room.  He smiled despite the pain, letting her know he'd be fine with a little more rest.  To his surprise, she told him she'd extend his stay until evening at no charge, and if he planned on staying the night again they could work something out later.

"You don't have to do that," he protested in a croak.  "I can pay-"

"Don't worry about it," she cut in gently.  "It's not like we're short on rooms.  Are you sure you don't need anything else?"

He was touched by her concern.  She didn't know him after all.  He had to sound half dead if she was so worried about him.  "No, thanks," he answered.  "I just need some rest."

They ended the call, and Kaidan hung up the receiver.  He was still standing, worried that if he laid back down he wouldn't be able to move again for a while.  He really needed to relieve himself, but the idea of walking across the room was daunting.  Nausea was beginning to roil in his stomach and being in the bathroom was probably the best thing for him now, but he didn't move except to turn his head to look at his saddlebags.  There was a bottle of pills in there, and he knew if he took one it would help his headache.

Just one wouldn't be going back on his promise to himself, but he still didn't move.  He didn't trust himself to take just one, not when his head hurt so badly.  

He sighed, and made his way to the bathroom.  He left the light off while he took care of his needs.  Just the thought of light made his head pound harder.  He splashed some water on his face which caused the nausea to back off, so he grabbed a washcloth and wet it, laying it over the back of his neck.  That seemed to help, and he sighed as the pain in his head eased slightly.  This is probably from being out in the heat too long, he thought as he made his way back to the bed.  

He left the washcloth on the back of his neck and sprawled out on his stomach again.  When he and Rahna were still together, she would make him some tea and massage his back gently.  It didn't always help the migraines but it had made him feel better having her there.  After The Incident, she'd gradually stopped doing little things like that for him.  She'd made excuses about not wanting to disturb his injury, even though he'd never asked anything of her.  When the stitches had come out, and he'd been given a clean bill of health by the doctors, she'd still avoided him, even when they shared a bed.  

Thoughts of all the times she'd pulled away from his touch before he'd given up on trying anymore made him squeeze his eyes shut.  That certainly wasn't helping his head feel any better, so he pushed the thoughts away.  His mind wandered back to the bottle of pills in his saddlebags.  With determination he turned his head physically on the pillow so he wasn't even facing the side of the room where they were waiting for him.  Angrily, he wondered why he'd even brought them.  

He knew that he wasn’t being logical.  They were for his migraines, and he had every right to use them.  He'd had the prescription for years now, only getting more when he'd been injured.  

His doctors hadn't questioned him when he'd requested to keep the higher dosages.  Not at first anyway.  The truth was that it hadn't been difficult to find other doctors to prescribe him more when his original ones started restricting him.  He'd investigated drug dealers for years, but it was laughable to him that anyone would want to go with illegal drugs when the legal ones were so easy to obtain.  Some of the criminals he'd put behind bars were really in the wrong line of business.  

A fresh wave of pain made him want to groan again, but he kept the sound behind his teeth.  Sound was not his friend right now.  Luckily, with Citadel being such a small town, there wasn't a lot of noise filtering in through the walls.  He wanted to go back to sleep but that wasn't likely at this point.  

One of the things that he hated most about migraines was the boredom.  For hours, all he could do was lay still in the quiet and the dark and wait for them to pass.  For hours, all he could do was try not to think about anything, including the pain.  

A couple of those pain killers could put him to sleep if they didn't drive the migraine back enough to let him function.

"No," he croaked.  He would not take them.  This wasn't the first migraine he'd had since he'd left home, and he'd weathered the rest of them without taking anything, not even over the counter drugs.  Of course, none of those headaches had been as bad as this one.  

The cloth on the back of his neck was no longer cold, so he reached up to pull it off.  The cool air felt good on the damp skin and he sighed a little in relief.  He could get past this headache without taking anything.  Migraines were something that he'd suffered from since he was a teen, and he didn't need drugs to get through this one.

But oh, how he wanted them.

Kaidan ignored that craving for the next several hours.  Occasionally he'd get up and wet the washcloth again, but for the most part he spent his time in bed.  The pain slowly began to ease, and he was able to think of things besides the bottle of pills in his bags, or the pain throbbing in his head.  His thoughts turned to the town he was in, and the man he'd spent several hours with the day before.

What was it about Shepard that had caught his attention so thoroughly?  He was definitely good looking, no question, but it wasn't like Kaidan hadn't seen good looking people in his travels.  He'd met several people in Citadel, and they'd all been very attractive actually.  He'd nearly been floored by Ashley when when she'd taken his order at the diner, and Miri and Jack were also breathtakingly beautiful.  

But he'd had eyes only for Shepard from the moment he'd sat down across from Kaidan and introduced himself.  His eyes were beautiful, and his grin was contagious, and yes,  the scars did give him an air of danger.  Shepard had smiled and laughed with him, but there had been something underneath the boyish charm.  There was steel in the other man's voice and his body hid a coiled power that made Kaidan's body tense in response.  He didn't believe in Love At First Sight, but lust was a whole other matter.

He wanted Shepard.  Wanted him badly.  How would it feel to have all that power under him, around him?  Hell, he'd always been a top, but if Shepard wanted things the other way around, Kaidan would be more than willing just to get a taste of that man's body.

It was tempting to see how Shepard would feel about spending a few hours with him here in this motel room before he left town.

Sex was not something he took lightly though, so although the thought tempted him, he discarded it.  The fact was, as attracted as he was to Shepard, he also really liked the man.  If he were to do anything with him, he'd want it to be something more substantial than a one night stand.

Kaidan sighed a little wistfully, and in that moment he realized that his headache had receded enough that he hadn't noticed it for a while.  His head still hurt, but the pulsing behind his eyes had stopped and everything had receded to just a dull ache at the back of his skull.  Experimentally he opened his eyes and was pleased to find he could look around without aggravating anything.  Lifting his head, he was able to read the clock.  It was late afternoon, but he had a few more hours until he'd need to talk to Nyreen about staying the night.  

Slowly he rolled over, first onto his side and then his back.  His muscles ached, but he was feeling much better.  He was tired - fighting off the pain of a migraine always took a lot out of him - but he was also starving and didn't feel like lying in bed anymore.  Staying in any place for too long made him antsy, and he wanted to get on the road again before too long.  He should have plenty of time to get to the next town, and maybe it would be better if he drove partially during the night to avoid the heat of the day.  Driving at night was dangerous on a motorcycle, but if he kept off the freeway he wouldn't have to deal with a lot of traffic.

Of course the true test of whether he was well enough to leave was still to come.  He stood, happy to find that his head didn't feel like it was going to topple off his shoulders.  Once he'd made his way into the bathroom he flipped on the lights.  That didn't make him feel any worse, and he sighed in relief.  Typically once the sensitivity to light passed, the migraine was over and the lingering pain would fade soon.  

He ran a damp comb through his hair in an attempt to control it, grumbling to himself about how unruly it got when he went to bed with it still wet, and telling himself again that he needed to get it cut.  Once it was in some semblance of order, he dressed and grabbed his things.  He didn't rush, and it was half past six by the time he left his room and walked to the office.  Nyreen was there, as she checked him out of the room, she eyed him uncertainly.  

"I really am fine," Kaidan said with a chuckle.  It was sweet that she'd just met him and felt the need to take care of him.  "It was just a headache."

She finally accepted his reassurances, and he walked outside.  A truck rumbled by, and the sound did cause him to wince, but he'd lived and worked through worse.  His stomach grumbled and he was reminded that he hadn't eaten all day.  He wondered briefly if there were any fast food places in Citadel, but decided against looking.  He liked the food at the diner, and he already knew where it was.  It was a simple decision really, and once he had his helmet on, he pointed his bike in that direction.

Pulling up in front of the diner, Kaidan noticed that it was full of people.  Not surprising really that he was getting there during the dinner rush.  He hesitated for a moment, not sure if he wanted to expose his still tender head to the noise a gathering like that would create, but decided against leaving.

Ashley was there again, and just as friendly as the day before despite the fact that she was much busier tonight.  When she saw him, she frowned.  “You look like hell,” she said.

Kaidan laughed, and was glad that it didn’t set off new waves of pain.  “I had a rough day,” he answered.

Her lips twisted with worry.  “Are you sick?  We have a doctor-”

He held up a hand to stop her.  “Thanks, but it was just a migraine.  It kept me up half the night and all day, and I’m just tired.”  The smell of frying food had his stomach grumbling again.  “And I haven’t eaten since yesterday, so I’m starving.”

Ashley’s eyes widened.  “Crap, let’s get you some food then!”

She led him to a free stool at the counter, and took his order.  When she brought him his meal, she stopped for a moment to talk.  "So you're leaving town after you eat?" she asked.

"I really hadn't intended to stay this long," he replied.  

Disappointment showed clearly on her face, and was heavy in her tone when she spoke.  "That's a shame.  It was nice having a new face around."  She crossed her arms on the counter and leaned toward him.  "I kinda thought you'd want to stick around for a while."

Kaidan laughed and picked up a fry, but didn't eat it yet.  "Do you make a habit of inviting strangers to stay?" he asked.  It occurred to him suddenly that she might be flirting with him, something he would normally enjoy if he weren't distracted by thoughts of bright blue eyes, but somehow he didn't think so.  She seemed too serious.

"Only strangers who seem interested in my friends," she replied pertly.  "Especially when my friend returns the interest."

He stopped chewing the fry he'd popped into his mouth for a split second in surprise.  "Do you mean Shepard?" he asked once he'd swallowed.

Ashley grinned slyly.  "So you  _are_  interested."

He laughed again at her temerity.  That was something he seemed to be doing a lot since he came to Citadel.  "You can't tell me that he doesn't turn heads wherever he goes," he said.  "Or are you all just blind to how good looking he is because you see him every day?"

"Trust me," Ashley said in a serious tone, although her eyes still sparkled with mischief.  "We all know.  But he's never really clicked with anyone here.  Everyone sees him as some kind of big damn hero and find him a little intimidating."

Kaidan frowned at that.  Yesterday she'd inferred that Shepard was a delinquent when he was younger, and everyone knew about it.  But now she said he was the town hero?  People were intimidated by him?  "I sense there's a story here," he said.

Leaning even further over the counter, Ashley pinned him with a stare.  "Stick around and find out for yourself," she said.  Then her impish grin was back.  "Anyway, I'll leave you alone so you can eat your fries.  Hurry before they get cold."  

She left Kaidan to his thoughts, most of which were about a man with a boyish smile and bright blue eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Kaidan ate slowly, considering Ashley's words.  He was definitely interested in Shepard, and the idea of staying for a little while was tempting.  But what else was there in Citadel to keep him?  He had a life in Vancouver, one that he'd already been avoiding for too long.  He wasn't in a hurry to go back, but he would need to eventually.  The idea of going home to face his family and friends nearly ruined his appetite.  He had a lot of apologizing to do, and while he was more than willing to do so, he was worried that he'd irrevocably ruined their trust in him.  

He just needed a little more time.  

But staying in one place for too long wasn't a good idea either.  He kept moving to outrun his addiction, and he was afraid that if he stopped for even a few days that the cravings would come back, along with all the anxiety that had driven him to start popping pills in the first place.  

By the time he'd finished his meal, he still felt torn.  He tossed a few bills on the table, more than enough to cover the tab and to leave a generous tip, and made his way out to his bike.  His eyes were drawn to the garage across the street.  Something was pulling at him, urging him to walk over and see if Shepard was there so that he could talk to him.  Just because he was interested didn't mean the other man returned the feeling, no matter what Ashley had said.

What finally made his decision was the fact that the place looked closed.  Maybe it was his own self doubt making that seem symbolic.  His lips twisted with a wry smile at his own cowardice as he pulled his helmet on.  He'd stayed long enough, and it was time to go.

Kaidan kept slightly under the speed limit as he drove through Citadel.  He remembered the intimidating hulk of the Sheriff, and knew better than to press his luck.  The town was pretty despite the fact that it was mostly desert.  There were mountains rising off in the distance, and scrub growing fitfully in the red dirt between the scattered houses and businesses, and it was beautiful in the red light of sunset.

He wondered what Shepard would look like in that light.  He couldn’t help dwelling on the memory of the man’s smile.  It looked right on his face, despite the fact that it was pulled slightly crooked from the scars along his jaw.  There were so many details burned into his mind.  The scar running up into Shepard’s hairline.  The yellow flowers tattooed on his inner forearms.  The way he licked his lips after each bite of ice cream.  The way his blue eyes sparkled when he’d stolen a fry.

The houses thinned out, and soon Kaidan found himself on the open road with nothing but dirt and scrub brush in either direction.  The two lane road curved back and forth but led distinctly westward. His bike’s engine growled loudly as he increased his speed, trying to get into the empty headspace that always hit him when the needle on his speedometer inched closer to 100mph.  

The void wouldn’t come though.  A list of excuses to turn around and go back scrolled through his mind.  He should have gotten a meal to go.  His gas tank could probably use a top off.  Maybe he should stay another night and get an early start instead of driving into the evening without knowing where he could stop to get some sleep.

His thoughts were speeding just as fast as he was.  When was the last time he’d just sat and had a conversation with a stranger?  He couldn’t even remember.  It wasn’t something that happened very often back home.  City people tended to mind their own business rather than join you for dinner just because you were sitting by yourself.  But in the course of twenty-four hours, he'd met several people who were more than willing to chat with him, and there had been that meal with Shepard.  

Those thoughts came to a screeching halt when his engine suddenly died.  There was a loud crack, and then a grinding sound for a split second before his back wheel locked up.  The bike began to swerve, and his center of gravity shifted past the point of no return as the bike tipped.  

His head cracked against the pavement, but he barely noticed as pain lanced through his side, turning his vision white.  The weight of the bike felt like it crushed his leg, and it dragged him along for a while before his foot caught on something that shifted him just enough that the bike slid off him, leaving a shower of sparks in its wake.

He flopped onto his back and stared up at the sky, concentrating on breathing slow and evenly until the pain in his side subsided.  Unfortunately, it didn't help his head.  His helmet had protected him from injury, but the knock he'd received had brought the slight headache he'd had for the past few hours back to a steady pound behind his eyes.  With a groan, he sat up and scrambled to the edge of the road.  There were no cars as far as he could see in either direction, but he wasn’t quite up to getting on his feet and he didn’t want to end up as roadkill if someone did eventually come by.  

There was a ditch on the edge of the road, and he sat on the edge, his feet down in the dip.  He probed gently at his ankle, trying to determine what kind of damage he might have done to it.  It was able to twist and turn, and he didn’t feel any swelling.  Nothing broken, and hopefully not sprained.  

His side was another matter.  His jeans had ripped at the knee and the skin that had been exposed to the asphalt was scraped raw.  His side burned for the same reason.  His jacket had ridden up slightly, exposing his skin to the street.  

It could have been worse.  He could deal with scrapes and bruises.

At least he thought so until he stood.  A groan escaped him as the whole right side of his body lit up with pain.  A few more deep breaths centered him enough to ignore it though.  Adrenaline kept him going for the moment, but he knew that he was going to be suffering pretty badly as soon as it wore off.  

A look around revealed that his bike had slid off the road into the ditch he was currently standing in, not too far away.  Limping gingerly, he made his way over to it, cursing as each step sent fire lancing through his leg and hip.  

It took him more effort than he wanted to admit to get the bike back up on its wheels.  It was heavy, but he was strong and he’d never had a problem lifting it up before.  Then again, he’d never had to do it while injured.  

A little more struggling got him and the bike back on the road.  Not that it was going to do him any good.  He could hear a rattle, and he was pretty sure the chain had broken..

“Fuck,” he hissed.  Broken, and broken down.  In the middle of nowhere.  “Fuck!”

Knowing he had no choice, Kaidan began walking the bike in the direction of Citadel.  At least he could put most of his weight on it and not on his injured leg.  That was a small consolation, though, because walking was not going to get any easier.  Each step told him that the damage was worse than he’d originally thought.  

The temptation to get his pain pills out of his saddle bags reared its ugly head again, but he gritted his teeth and ignored it.  He was not going to give in.  Not yet.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking -- limping, really -- but the sun had just touched the top of the mountains to the west when Kaidan heard the sound of an engine.  He had been walking with his head tilted down so he could watch his feet, but now he lifted his head and saw a truck approaching him from behind.

To his relief, the driver pulled over onto the side of the road.  A short man in a baseball cap jumped out and limped toward him.

“I’d ask if you’re alright,” the man said with a hint of a smile, “but it’s pretty obvious that you’re having a shitty day.”

Kaidan chuckled weakly.  “That’s pretty much how I would describe it.”

“Well let’s get you off this road,” the man said.  “Do you think you can help me get this thing into the truck bed?”

He wasn’t sure, but he certainly didn’t want to leave the bike behind.  “I guess we’ll see,” Kaidan answered.

It took the last of Kaidan’s endurance, but they did get the bike into the truck.  The stranger had to help him up into the truck’s cab afterwards.  A sigh of relief slipped out of him as he finally took the weight off his left leg.

“You may need a doctor to look at that,” the man said once he’d gotten behind the wheel.

He was probably right, but Kaidan didn’t think there was a hospital anywhere nearby.  “Thanks for your help,” he said.  “I’m Kaidan Alenko.”

“Jeff Moreau,” the other man replied with a smile.  He started the engine and put the truck in gear.  “But everyone calls me Joker." He shot Kaidan a sideways glance.  "Don't ask.  You out here for a reason, or just passing through?”

Wincing as the truck rocked over a few bumps before getting back onto the asphalt, Kaidan shook his head.  “Passing through,” he answered simply.

That earned him another sideways look.  “You’re a long way from the freeway.”

“Freeways get boring,” Kaidan said.  “I decided to explore.  I probably should have checked to see how far it was to the next town though.”

Joker laughed at the chagrin in Kaidan’s voice.  “You were nearly halfway to Thessia.  I could take you there if you want, but Citadel is the closest place with a mechanic.”

“Citadel is where you were headed, right?” Kaidan asked.

“That’s where home is,” Joker answered.  

Kaidan wasn’t superstitious, but in the back of his mind he began to wonder if some higher power were conspiring to keep him from leaving Citadel.  He wasn’t really disturbed by that thought.  In fact, the thought of seeing Shepard again made it much easier to ignore his aches and pains.  “Citadel it is, then,” he said with a smile.

They drove in surprisingly comfortable silence after that.  Kaidan watched the sky change colors.  It was fully dark outside when he felt the truck slow down.  Looking up, Kaidan saw that they were pulling into Citadel.

“We don’t have a hospital, but we do have a doctor,” Joker said.  He reached out and turned on his headlights now that it was starting to get dark.  “And we’ve got a damn fine mechanic who can work on your bike.  I can drop you off at Doc Mordin’s place-”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan said quickly.  His heart was suddenly trying to climb up his throat at the idea of seeing Shepard.  He coughed slightly, and hoped the dim light hid the flush he felt in his cheeks.  “Uh, I mean I think a few days off my feet will be enough.  But that bike is my baby.”

Joker nodded his understanding.  “To the garage then,” he said.  “I know Shep will be glad to help.”

The garage was lit up with bright porch lights, and Shepard himself was sitting in a plastic lawn chair out front drinking what looked like a beer.  Jack was in another seat next to him, one leg thrown over the arm of her chair and peeling the label off her own bottle.

Shepard stood when the truck pulled up and walked over to look through the driver’s side window.  “Hey Joker, what brings you-” his bright blue eyes widened with surprise when he saw Kaidan in the passenger seat.  “Kaidan?”  

Joker turned to give him a curious look, but didn’t ask the obvious question.  

“Hey, Shepard,” Kaidan said.  “Uh...do you think you could take a look at my bike?”

Stepping back from the truck, so Joker could get out, Shepard nodded.  “Yeah, of course.  What’s wrong with it?”

Joker gestured for Shepard to follow him to the back of the truck, and Kaidan noticed again that he walked with a pronounced limp.  Shepard cast another look at Kaidan before following.

Wincing when he moved, Kaidan got out and walked around the other side of the truck.  Joker and Shepard were pulling the bike out, while Joker explained how he’d found Kaidan.

Jack had also come over and she whistled through her teeth when she saw it. The paint along the side was torn up by the asphalt. “Damn, Boyscout.  This may be beyond you,” she said.

“Have a little faith, Jack,” Shepard said as he surveyed the bike.  He looked up when Kaidan approached.  “I’m not sure what’s wrong at the moment.  I’ll have to take a look at it in the morning.”

To Kaidan’s surprise, it didn’t upset him too much that he’d be staying another day in Citadel.  “Yeah, I figured,” he answered.  “Looks like I’ll be sticking around until it’s fixed.”

“You can stay here tonight.”  

Kaidan couldn’t really tell in the gathering dark, but he thought Shepard was blushing after that statement.  His friends were both looking at him in surprise, but other than the color in his cheeks, Shepard didn’t act like the invitation was anything out of the norm.  “All I’ve got to offer you is the couch, but it’s pretty damn comfortable.  I use it myself sometimes.”  He trailed off uncertainly and rubbed the back of his neck nervously.  “Or if you’d rather stay at the motel-”

“A couch sounds great,” Kaidan cut in quickly.  It was the truth, really.  Motel beds were usually not very comfortable, and he’d slept in nothing else for a very long time.  He didn’t mind them though, not after how long he’d spent wandering.  His real reason for accepting was standing right in front of him, blushing, smiling, turning Kaidan inside out.

It felt good.  It felt terrifying.  

“Oh Jesus, is this going to be like a slumber party?” Jack asked mockingly.  “Are we going to break out the nail polish and the chick flicks?”

“Oh my god,” Joker said.  “That sounds like a blast!  Are you going to braid each other’s hair and sing Sandra Dee songs too?”

Jack’s glare was dripping with furious disgust.  Kaidan and Shepard both had to stifle their laughter when her dark eyes swung in their directions.  Shepard tried to hide his wide grin behind his palm, but Kaidan just shrugged at her.  “I’m partial to blue nail polish,” he told her as seriously as he could manage.  “Especially on my toenails.”

Joker made a choking sound and covered his eyes as if he didn’t want to witness Kaidan’s imminent death.  Shepard laughed out loud and crossed his arms, waiting to see what she would do.  Kaidan stood his ground.

With an amused snort, Jack relaxed.  “You know what?  I like you.  You can fuck off with your painted toenails, but I like you.”  Having delivered her speech, she spun on a heel and sauntered toward the house that Kaidan could see nestled among a beautiful rock garden behind the garage.  

“Holy shit,” Joker breathed.  “I thought she was going to bite you.”

“Congratulations.  You’ve been judged acceptable to the feistiest female living in my house,” Shepard said, stepping forward to clap Kaidan on the shoulder.

Kaidan hissed at the contact.  

Shepard winced, and pulled his hand back.  “I’m sorry,” he said quickly.  “I forgot you took a spill.”

“You sure you don’t want to see the doctor?” Joker asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Kaidan answered.  He plastered on a reassuring smile, which must have looked more genuine than it felt because the other man accepted his words with a nod.

Joker said his goodbyes, and left.  Dust trailed behind his truck as he pulled out of the gravel in front of Shepard’s house, glowing red in the tail lights.  Shepard murmured an assurance that he would be right back, and walked Kaidan’s bike into the garage.  Kaidan waited where he was, too tired and sore to move unless he had to, but not feeling to horrible about it since he would be spending a little more time with Shepard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm up to 25 chapters on this, but I've only got up through chapter 9 edited. I'm participating in NaNo, and using the time to finish this story (yes, it's got another 50k words *after* chapter 25... at least I think so), so posting may be a bit slow during November. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this beast. Your comments and kudos always make my day :D


	9. Chapter 9

After getting the bike settled into the garage, Shepard went back to where Kaidan stood.  He looked like hell.  His hair was plastered to his head by sweat, and in the porch light Shepard could see that he had dirt smeared across the right side of his face.  He also held himself gingerly, as if afraid to put any weight on his right foot.  And if Shepard wasn’t mistaken, that rip in his jeans hadn’t been there earlier in the day.

He considered trying change Kaidan’s mind about a visit to the doctor, but he recognized the stubborn set to the man’s jaw.  Shepard knew when not to push, and he could always call Doc Mordin later if he needed to.  “Let’s get you inside,” he said. “You look like you could use a beer.”

Kaidan chuckled and began to limp after Shepard as he made his way to the house.  “I could use at least two,” he said wryly.

Shepard held the door open for him, and followed him inside.  Kaidan stopped and looked around, and Shepard found himself wondering what the other man saw.  Did this look like a run down shack to him, or was it luxury?  He wanted to ask, but he’d just met the man.  Scaring him off with questions about his past was not Shepard’s goal.

What was his goal?  When they’d had dinner together, Kaidan had said he was just passing through.  It wasn’t like he could really get to know the guy, and see if the spark he’d felt between them could be anything more.

He wasn’t even really sure that Kaidan was into men.  Jack’s introduction hadn’t scared him off, but he could just be open minded and not necessarily interested.  Besides, he couldn’t tell just by looking at Kaidan what his preferences were.  

And there he went again, speculating about a man who wouldn’t be around for very long.  Shaking his head at himself, Shepard stepped around Kaidan to show him where everything was.

They were standing in his main living area which was a large space split between the living room and dining room, and a narrow hallway led towards the back of the house.  “The kitchen is back there,” he said gesturing down the hall.  “That door in the hall is the bathroom.  Jack’s bedroom is at the back of the house off the kitchen.” He gestured at a door to the right, just before the hallway.  “And that’s my room.”

Kaidan followed his gestures, brown eyes sharp as he listened.  “So you and Jack are just roommates?” he asked.

“We’ve been friends since we were kids,” Shepard answered.  “I can’t get rid of her.”

“I heard that!” floated from the direction of the kitchen.

Kaidan chuckled, and Shepard smiled foolishly at the sound.  This guy was tying Shepard in knots.  “Be careful what you say.  This house is almost a hundred years old.”  He raised his voice slightly.  “And the walls are paper thin.”

There was a bang, and Shepard knew Jack would be giving him an earful if they didn’t have a guest.  Kaidan raised a brow at him curiously, but Shepard just shook his head with a grin.  Teasing Jack in front of a stranger was one thing.  He wasn’t going to spill her secrets.  And he was pleased to see that Kaidan let it go.

“Do you have a first aid kit?” Kaidan asked suddenly.  

“Yeah, I-” Shepard cut off when Kaidan removed his jacket and revealed a white tshirt stained with blood along his side.  Seeing where Shepard’s attention was, Kaidan lifted his shirt to display the damage.  There were several inches of skin that was scraped raw.  Shepard’s first reaction was to tell him that he was calling the doctor, but Kaidan had already shot the idea down more than once.  He had a feeling that Kaidan wasn’t the type to turn down help if he really needed it.  He tried not to examine too closely where the feeling was coming from.  He hadn't known the man long enough to form that kind of opinion yet.  “Have a seat.  I’ll go get it.”

Kaidan nodded, pulled a chair out from the small table in the dining area, and sank into it.  Blatant relief colored his features and he heaved a sigh.  When he noticed the concerned look Shepard was giving him he smiled weakly.  “First aid kit?”

Shepard started at the gentle reminder.  “Right, sorry.”

He hurried through the hall and into the kitchen.  A curtained doorway led to the covered porch that he’d long ago converted into a laundry room.  As he dug through the cupboard above the dryer, Jack poked her head through the curtain.

“Hey, boyscout.  Don’t get in too deep with this guy,” she said.  “Unless you know… you wanna top him, then by all means.”

Shepard shot her a sideways look, not quite able to keep the sarcasm out of his voice when he responded.  “Is this relationship advice or an attempt at sex tips?”  Finding what he was looking for, he made to brush past her, but she put herself directly in his path.  He raised an eyebrow at her, but it didn’t work on her this time.

“I can see how you’re looking at him,” Jack said.  “As much as I would love to see you get laid, it would piss me off if you get hurt by this guy.”

He wanted to roll his eyes at her, but her steady gaze stopped him.  She was really worried about him.  Instead he smiled and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  Pulling her close he pressed his lips against her forehead.  “I’ll be careful, Jack.  I promise.”

She nodded and leaned into him for a brief moment.  Then she grunted, jerked herself out of his embrace and disappeared into her room.  

When Shepard walked back into the main room, he grinned at what he found.  Kaidan was leaning back in his chair, pinned down by a tiny cream colored cat.  “Ah, I see you’ve met Normandy,” he said as he set the first aid kit on the table.

“I think she’s decided we’re best friends,” Kaidan muttered against the top of her head.  Normandy had her front paws high on his chest and was busy rubbing her forehead all over his face.

“She likes beard stubble,” Shepard said.  His head jerked up at a sudden thought.  “You’re not allergic are you?”

Kaidan smiled and ran his hand over Normandy’s fur, eliciting a loud purr from the little feline.  “Not at all.”

Shepard let out the breath he’d been holding.  “That’s good, because I think she has claimed you as her own.  You might have someone sleeping with you tonight.”

Wide brown eyes swung toward him in surprise, and Shepard couldn’t help but grin.  Let Kaidan take that however he wanted.  Jack wanted Shepard to be careful, but as far as he was concerned, if his cat liked the guy then he was willing to see where things went.  Always trust the pets, that was his motto.

“The cat,” Shepard pointed out.  “She’s a cuddler.”  

“Oh,” Kaidan replied.  “Right.”

Was that a hint of disappointment?  Shepard ducked his head to hide his own expression.  Nudging Kaidan’s elbow out of the way, Shepard lifted his shirt and began dabbing at the lacerations.  Kaidan hissed, making him wince.  “Sorry.  It’ll sting.”

“No kidding.”

Shepard chuckled at the dry tone.  He let himself become absorbed in his task.  The scrapes had stopped bleeding, but he did his best to clean everything away until blood welled up again.  There didn’t seem to be any pebbles embedded in the skin, which was good.  He would have insisted on calling Doc Mordin at that point.  Once he had the scrapes relatively clean, he pressed some gauze over it, but didn’t tape it down.  He allowed the dampness of Kaidan’s blood to hold it in place while he turned his attention to the wound on his leg.

“Your jeans are ruined,” Shepard said.  His voice was cool and methodical, and he hoped Kaidan didn’t notice.  His hands were already beginning to shake, from the effort of trying not to think about the last time he’d tended someone’s wounds.  Maybe he should have asked Jack to do this.  But then he wouldn't get to be this close to Kaidan.  That thought steadied his mind, if not his fingers.  “Mind if I open them up a bit more so I can see better?”

Kaidan grunted.  “Damn, I only have one other pair.  Guess I’ll have to find a store.”

Taking the comment as a yes, Shepard ripped the fabric open.  He froze at the sight of Kaidan’s leg.

Blood everywhere, bone sticking out at an unnatural angle.  His ears ringing from the explosion, so he couldn’t hear the screams…

He blinked and the image was gone.  His hands were not black with caked dirt and blood.  It was just the oil that he could never quite get out of the creases in his knuckles, and the leg under his fingers was only bloody, not broken.  

“You ok?” Kaidan asked.  “You don’t have to do this, you know.  I can-”

“I’m fine,” Shepard said quickly.  He smiled to soften his words.  “It just looks pretty bad.  I know you said you didn’t want to see a doctor but-”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan echoed.  Then he laughed.  “It looks worse than it feels.”

Shepard held his hands up in defeat for a moment before he started cleaning away dried blood again.  “Speaking of clothes, do you have something to sleep in?”  

No answer.

Looking up, Shepard saw that Kaidan’s skin was flushed.  “You don’t, do you?”

“Not a lot of room in my saddlebags,” Kaidan explained.  “I usually sleep, uh… naked.”

Kaidan didn’t look away, so Shepard didn’t either despite the fact that he was highly conscious of his scars right then.  “Well,” Shepard drawled.  “I wouldn’t mind that… but we should probably find you something to wear.  Jack tends to punch first and ask questions later.  You don’t need any more bruises.”

Kaidan chuckled warmly, finally breaking their connection.  He looked down at Normandy who had curled into a ball in his lap.  “Good point.”

Shepard turned his attention back to the gash on Kaidan’s leg.  “We’re not quite the same size, but I’ve got a pair of sweats and a tshirt you can borrow for the night.”

“Thanks.”

They fell into silence, and Shepard concentrated on what he was doing.  Brief flashes of other times he’d performed these kind of services made his shoulders tense, but he concentrated on keeping his breathing even.  He let his fingers go on autopilot and he began to count by fours.  Simple counting had never really helped keep him calm, but doing something a little more difficult worked better, hence the multiplication tables.  As the crusted blood on Kaidan’s leg washed away, revealing a normal scrape instead of a mangled mass of flesh, Shepard began to relax.  

Normandy was purring loudly, and when Shepard glanced up her mismatched eyes were half closed in pleasure.  Kaidan was still stroking her fur in long sweeps from head to tail.  He raised his head to see that the other man had his eyes closed.  Shepard’s eyes traced the lines of Kaidan’s face.  His jaw was even darker with stubble than it had been several hours earlier, and Shepard wondered what that stubble would feel like under his fingertips.

In an attempt to curb those thoughts, he dropped his eyes back down to Normandy who was looking back at him.  Somehow that purr that was too loud for such a small body, and the angle of her ears and whiskers made her seem smug.  “Lucky cat,” he mumbled.

That got Kaidan’s attention, and he opened his eyes to look down at Shepard.  His eyelids were drooped low as well, and his lips were tilted up on a sultry smile.

_Sultry?_  Where the hell did a word like that come from?  Shepard wasn’t even aware it was  stored somewhere in his brain.  

“Thanks,” Kaidan said softly.

Shepard blinked, wondering for just a moment if Kaidan somehow knew what he was thinking.  Then he realized he was talking about the first aid.  “Oh, uh.  No problem,” he said.  Silently he thanked whatever god might be out there that Jack wasn’t here to see him acting like an idiot.  “I didn’t tape the bandages on.  I figured you might want a shower first.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said as he sat up straighter.  “I would definitely like that.”

To keep his hands busy, Shepard began putting things back in the first aid kit.  “Alright, hang tight right here for a minute.  I’ll get you some clothes.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan watched Shepard disappear into his room.  That oil rag was still hanging from Shepard’s back pocket, pulling Kaidan’s attention down to his ass.  Once he was out of sight, Kaidan dropped his eyes down to the cat purring in his lap.  “I’m in trouble,” he said softly.

Normandy just blinked at him.  It was obvious to him that she would be completely content to have him around for a few days.  He rubbed behind her ears, and she turned up the volume.  Somehow he hadn’t imagined Shepard as a cat lover.  Maybe it was the sleeveless t-shirt and the ripped, greasy jeans, but it wouldn’t have surprised Kaidan at all to see a big black lab following him around.

“These might be a little short on you,” Shepard said as he came out of his room with a bundle of cloth.  “You’re, uh…”

Kaidan looked up and grinned when Shepard trailed off uncertainly.  He picked up Normandy and held her to his chest with one arm as he stood.  Fire shot up his ankle all the way to his hip in pulses that matched his heartbeat, and his head pounded counterpoint.  He looked down at the cat for a moment until he was sure the pain wouldn’t show in his eyes.  Standing this close to Shepard, he realized he had to look up a couple inches to meet his eyes.  “It’s not the Victorian age,” he teased.  “I’m not going to shock anyone if I show off my ankles.”

His reward for the terrible joke was a slow smile.  “Shock wasn’t the reaction I was thinking of,” Shepard said in a low voice that made Kaidan forget all his aches and pains.  

He couldn’t help himself.  He laughed.  “I must be exhausted, because that line is working on me,” Kaidan said with a shake of his head.  

“Here, trade me,” Shepard said after clearing his throat.  He reached out and took Normandy, and Kaidan felt his muscles twitch as Shepard’s fingers brushed his chest.  Then he handed Kaidan the bundle of clothes.  “There’s clean towels on the shelf in the bathroom.  Don’t use the stuff in the red bottles.  Jack will kill you.  And probably me too.”

“Good to know,” Kaidan said.  

Shepard nodded, and turned to go back to his room.  Through the open door, Kaidan could see a queen sized unmade bed, and walls covered in shelves with even more models.  Not wanting to get caught looking, he turned quickly for the bathroom. 

The room was small, with barely enough room for the toilet, sink, and bath.  Shelves were built into one wall in what looked like an old window frame, and just as Shepard had said, it was full of clean towels and washcloths.  The bath was an old fashioned tub on clawed feet.  A ring hung from the ceiling above the tub, holding up dark blue curtains on both sides.  The showerhead definitely looked like it had not been included in the original plumbing.  

Kaidan considered filling the tub and soaking his aching body in steaming water, but as another wave of exhaustion rolled over him, he decided that wasn’t the best idea.  He might fall asleep and drown.  And wouldn’t that be a great last impression to make on the man he’d been flirting with just minutes ago.  

The thought of getting clean was pulling at him, so he stripped down quickly.  The gauze that was held to his skin by the dampness of his own blood went into the waste basket, and his clothes were left in a pile around his feet.  The shower controls were easy to figure out, luckily.  Getting scalded or frozen would be unpleasant on top of everything else.  

Stepping into the cool water felt amazing.  The temperature outside had gone down slightly when the sun set, but it had still been pretty hot out and he felt like he was boiling in his own skin.  His head ached, but at least it wasn’t the migraine that had kept him in bed most of the day.  He really shouldn’t have tried to leave after that.  Another day of rest would have been good for him.

He let the water sluice over him, rinsing away sweat and dust.  It didn’t wash away the pain in his side though.  His headache was beginning to dull down again, although it was still pulsing at the base of his skull.

An empty ache spread into his stomach, into his chest.  The familiar craving for the numbing effects of the Percocet he had in his saddle bags filled him, and his skin began to feel uncomfortable.  In an effort to ignore it, he grabbed a bottle of what looked like shampoo, careful to avoid the red bottles.  The soap smelled tangy and when he turned it to get a better look at the bottle, he chuckled.  Herbal Essences?  Citrus blossom and green tea.  

Shepard had smelled of sweat and car oil, but there had been a hint of something…

Looking around, Kaidan didn’t see anything else, so it had to be Shepard’s.  He poured a little into his palm, and set the bottle aside.  After ducking his head under the water again to make sure his hair was wet enough, he rubbed the soap over his scalp.  The scent exploded around him, and it hit him that he was in a stranger’s house, using his shampoo, and would soon be wearing his clothes.

He shivered, but it wasn’t due to the temperature of the water.  He put his head under the water and let the soap rinse away as he thought about Shepard.  Tousled black hair that hung down over his forehead, bright blue eyes framed on the right side by a web of red and white scars, one of which cut up through his eyebrow.  Kaidan was curious about those scars, but he wasn’t going to bring them up unless Shepard did.  He’d noticed the way Shepard had flinched away from his stare.

The scars were in no way repulsive, but they did make Kaidan’s fingers tingle with the need to touch them.  

He skipped the conditioner and grabbed a bottle of bodywash.  Again the scent was tangy, and as Kaidan began spreading the soap over his skin, his mind conjured images of Shepard doing the same.  The other man was taller, and built slimmer than Kaidan, but it wasn’t too much of a stretch to close his eyes and imagine that his hands were on Shepard’s body instead.  

It was only a short leap from that to imagining Shepard’s hands on his body.  He ran his hands down, and soaped up his groin.  He dug his fingers into the soapy hair around his hardening dick, and then lower.  As he massaged himself he groaned quietly.  What the hell was he doing?  It wasn’t that late, and Shepard had warned him that the walls were thin.

He didn’t stop though.  The pain was finally receding, and his cravings were being replaced with a different kind.  Wrapping his fingers around himself, he began to imagine more than just touching.  Would Shepard’s skin taste like citrus?  Would his mouth taste like the shake he’d eaten at lunch?  

He stroked slowly, wishing it was Shepard’s dick in his hand instead.  He wanted to see those blue eyes burn with lust.  His hand moved faster as he imagined it.  Would Shepard’s eyes get darker?  Would he bite his bottom lip the same way Kaidan was currently biting his own?

A whimper escaped him.  He was close.  His hand moved faster, his wrist twisting at the end of each pull.  He curled forward slightly in an effort to keep quiet as his muscles flexed in orgasm.  His skin felt hot under the cool spray, and he stood under it sucking in deep breaths.  After a moment he straightened and let the water wash away the evidence of what he’d done.

A lightness overcame him and he grinned.  He hadn’t felt the need to do that in a while, and now he'd had to take care of himself twice in twenty four hours.  It made him feel a lot better.  Endorphins were worlds better than prescription pain medication any day.

Kaidan turned off the water and pulled the curtain back.  His image in the mirror caught his attention and he sighed.  He needed to shave, but he didn’t feel like going outside to get his things.  Running his knuckles over his jaw, he thought that the stubble would be softer by morning.  It didn’t take him long to grow a beard.  He wondered if Shepard liked beards.  

When he slicked his hair back from his forehead, he winced at the streaks of gray forming at his temples.  Rahna liked to tease him about those white strands as soon as they started appearing, and--

Thoughts of his ex-wife soured his mood instantly.  The mild post-orgasm euphoria faded.  With a curse he stepped out of the tub.  Grabbing a towel he started to dry himself, and then cursed a little louder when he found the growing bruises along his hip.  Despite the water, his scrapes had stopped bleeding, but he carefully avoided touching them with the towel.  

He threw the cloth around his shoulders and reached for the clothes Shepard had given him to wear.  The bundle unraveled into a blue Star Wars tshirt and a pair of grey sweats.  The tshirt brought a measure of his good mood back.  

He pulled the sweats on commando, but left the tshirt off while he toweled his hair mostly dry.  He ran his fingers through it, ignoring the grey, until it had some semblance of order.  He used some of the mouthwash he found in the medicine cabinet, and then pulled the tshirt on.  His clothing was neatly folded, the towel hung up to dry, and finally Kaidan felt ready to leave the bathroom.  He had no idea if Shepard would be in his room or not, but his stomach clenched with anticipation as he reached for the doorknob.

Shepard was sitting at the table.

His head came up when Kaidan stepped out of the bathroom.  “Hey.  Feel better?”

Kaidan smiled.  “Much better, thank you.”  He almost laughed at the thought of what else he'd been doing besides washing, but he held it in.

“Do you want me to bandage up those scrapes for you?”

“It’s probably a good idea,” Kaidan answered.  He walked closer to Shepard, suddenly very conscious of the fact that he had just jerked off less than twenty feet away, while picturing this man doing the jerking.  The thought didn’t make him feel like a perv, though.  It just made him want to do it again.

The thin cloth of the sweatpants was not going to hide his reaction if he didn’t tamp those thoughts down right now.  It was one thing to masturbate in Shepard’s shower.  It was a whole other thing to stand right in front of him and pop a tent in his pants.  They didn’t know each other that well, and Kaidan was not ready for that kind of conversation.

Concentrating on not thinking about anything erotic, Kaidan stepped close and lifted his shirt, allowing Shepard access to his wounds.  “So,” he said as casually as possible while Shepard reached for the bandages and began taping them over his bruised side.  “Star Wars, huh?  Which one is your favorite?”

Shepard’s surprisingly gentle hands paused in what they were doing and he shot Kaidan a nervous look.  “Will you lose respect for me if I admit that it’s Return of the Jedi?”

Kaidan laughed.  “Why would I?”

“James… he’s the cook at the diner… says that ewoks are not cool.”

“No way!” Kaidan protested.  “Ewoks are awesome!”

Shepard sat back in his chair.  “Hell yes they are!”

They looked at each other.  They laughed.  Shepard went back to taping gauze to Kaidan’s side.

“When I was a kid,” Shepard said, “My mother told me that there was a monster in the attic that ate bad children.  I didn’t believe her until the first time we watched Return of the Jedi.  She noticed that I was freaking out a little over the Rancor scene, and leaned over to tell me that was the monster in the attic.”

“You’re kidding,” Kaidan said in disbelief.

“No, I’m serious.  For years all she had to do was point to the attic door when I misbehaved, and I’d turn into the perfect angel.  Lift your leg up?”

Kaidan lifted his foot up and put it on a chair.  He rolled up his sweats so Shepard could bandage the scrape on his leg.  “And it’s still your favorite of the series?”

Shepard nodded without looking up.  “The sarlacc scene is my favorite.”

“I still have a thing for Princess Leia,” Kaidan admitted. Shepard looked up at him, and Kaidan saw the question in his eyes.  It would be easy end things right now, whatever “things” actually meant.  The light flirtation they’d been engaged in since they first met could be turned into friendly joking if he left that sentence hanging.

He could get his bike fixed, and get out of town.  The craving he constantly battled with would be left miles behind him if he just kept driving.  

Or he could stay for a while, and see what could come of this.  It seemed like fate was trying to get him to stay, anyway.  “And for Han Solo,” he said in a low voice.  “I could never tell what I wanted more.  To be him, or to make out with him.”

Shepard’s hands went still, and his mouth tilted up in a slightly goofy smile as he stared up at Kaidan.  “Well that choice is easy,” he drawled.  “I’d look great in that outfit.”

Kaidan allowed some of the warmth he’d been feeling since meeting Shepard seep into his smile.  “I’ll bet he’s a good kisser.”

Suddenly Shepard laughed and shook his head.  He patted Kaidan’s knee to let him know he was done.  “I don’t know about you, but now I’m in the mood for a Star Wars marathon.”

“I don’t know about a marathon,” Kaidan replied.  “But we could start with one and see how the evening goes.”

“A New Hope?” Shepard asked.

Shepard didn’t realize that he’d asked a loaded question.  Kaidan had spent a long time running, riding away from every town after a meal and maybe a night in a motel.  He hadn’t shared any of that time with other people.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had more than a passing conversation with anyone besides a waiter or waitress.  

Something about Shepard made Kaidan want to stay still for a while.  “Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “And didn’t you say something earlier about a beer?”


	11. Chapter 11

Butterflies.  He had fucking _butterflies_.  Shepard ducked his head an in attempt to hide his excitement.  “Make yourself comfortable,” he said, gesturing to the couch.  “I’ll get the beers.”

When he noticed Kaidan’s limp, he frowned.  “Do you want some pain killers?  I’ve got-”

“No!”

Shepard blinked at the vehemence in Kaidan’s voice.  He was tensed up as if waiting for a fight.  It was a stance Shepard recognized, but he didn’t understand why Kaidan had suddenly gone on the defensive.  “All right,” he said calmly.  “You just look like you’re hurting.”

“Sorry,” Kaidan said.  The tension relaxed out of his shoulders and he gave Shepard a smile.  “I just don't like the effect painkillers have on me.”

“Well, hopefully the beer will help,” Shepard said.  When he received a nod, he headed back to the kitchen to grab a couple of bottles out of the fridge.  He was curious about the vehemence of Kaidan's reaction, but took his explanation at face value.  Maybe he was allergic.  

When he came back to the living room Kaidan was settled on one end of the couch and Normandy was back in his lap.  Shepard handed over the already open bottle and glared at the smug feline.  “Traitor cat,” he grumbled.

“I take it she’s not normally this friendly?” Kaidan asked Shepard when he took the beer.  His other hand was petting Normandy in long strokes from ear to tail.  

Shepard could hear her purring from where he stood, and he honestly couldn’t blame her.  Lucky cat, he thought.  “No,” he answered as he pulled the movie out of the shelf.  “She’s friendlier than most cats, but I’ve never felt like she’d abandon me before.”

Kaidan chuckled, and Shepard grinned in response.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so light.  

Once he had the movie running, he settled down on opposite end of the couch from his guest.  He wanted to sit closer, but it didn’t seem like the right time yet.  

Normandy got up and crawled onto Shepard’s lap.  “Hey baby girl,” he murmured as she butted her head against his chin.  “I forgive you for abandoning me for a new lap.”

Kaidan chuckled again and took a swig of his beer as the opening theme began to play.  Shepard resisted the urge to hum along.  He wasn’t quite ready to reveal his singing abilities to an almost stranger.  He also resisted the urge to look over at the other end of the couch every ten seconds.

When the rancor scene started, Shepard gave in and glanced at Kaidan, only to find him fast asleep.  He was half disappointed, and half amused.  Shooing Normandy off his lap, ignoring the indignant glare and tail flip she directed at him, Shepard got up and went into his room.  He grabbed a pillow and a knitted blanket from a chest at the foot of his bed and took it back out to the living room.  

Shepard had every intention of shaking Kaidan awake immediately and handing him the pillow and blanket, and then taking himself off to bed.  His hand hesitated just short of Kaidan’s arm.  His eyes were caught by Kaidan’s mouth.  How had he not noticed that scar on his bottom lip before?  The pale line was crisscrossed with another one just below his lip.  Shepard reached to touch it, but he caught himself.  He was pretty sure Kaidan felt the attraction between them just as strongly as he did, but touching the sleeping man’s lips might be crossing a line at this point.  

They’d only met the day before, and Shepard still wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing flirting with a man who would take off as soon as his bike was fixed.  Hovering over him while he was asleep was also pretty creepy, but Shepard had been transfixed by Kaidan’s dark amber eyes before, and now he just wanted to take a moment to look at everything he’d missed.  

There were lines around Kaidan’s eyes, the kind that looked like they came from smiling.  His beard grew fast.  Yesterday he'd looked like he might carry a perpetual five o’clock shadow, but Shepard suspected it would only take him a few days to grow a full beard at this rate.  

Deciding that he’d better stop with the creepy staring and hovering act, Shepard finally touched Kaidan’s shoulder.  Dark amber eyes blinked open in surprise, and for a split second Shepard thought he might get a fist in the gut from the way Kaidan tensed up.  Recognition was quick to follow though and Kaidan relaxed, looking up at him curiously.

“Sorry,” Shepard said quietly.  He held up the blanket.  “You fell asleep and I thought you might want these.”

Kaidan glanced at the TV, which was still playing the movie.  “Sorry,” he echoed.  “I’m more tired than I thought.  Long day, I guess.”

Shepard gave a snort and rolled his eyes at the understatement.  “Well, we’ll have to catch the movie some other time.  I’ll feel guilty if I keep you up all night.”  He held out the pillow and blanket again, and this time his offering was accepted.  As Kaidan made himself comfortable, Shepard turned off the movie and made his way to his room.

“Hey.”

Shepard stopped to look at Kaidan.  “Yeah?”

“Raincheck on the movie?”

Shepard smiled.  “Definitely.”  

Once he was in his room with the door shut and the lights off, Shepard stood next to his bed.  He stared at the rumpled blankets, and his imagination took off.  An image of being pressed face-first into the sheets with Kaidan’s body weighing him down played in the back of his mind and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself down.  

He stripped down to his boxer briefs and slid into his sheets.  The cool cloth rubbing against his skin did not help to slow his racing heart.  A groan escaped him when the thought crossed his mind that Kaidan was just one thin wall away from him.  The couch was up against the wall at the head of Shepard’s bed.  Only inches separated them.

Too many inches.

Shepard couldn’t remember the last time he’d wanted someone so badly.  It had to have been since before he came home from Afghanistan.  There had been a guy in his squad, Jacob Taylor.  Shepard had been more than a little interested, and sleeping in the same camp with a man who was clearly only into women had been a lesson in self restraint. 

Jacob had gone on leave to visit his wife when she had her baby a week before… Shepard squelched that thought.  He didn’t want to think of the reason he’d come home himself.  And he really didn’t want to think about Jacob.  He wanted to think about Kaidan.

He’d gotten as hard as a rock when Kaidan had gotten into the shower.  Knowing that Kaidan was naked and soapy and using Shepard’s washcloths and towels…

Shepard began rubbing his hands over his chest lightly, in long sweeps as if he were washing himself.  Each stroke brought his hands lower, down to his abs, and lower until his fingers dipped under the waistband of his underwear.  He rubbed his hips, and with a small groan he pushed one hand under the cloth and pulled himself free.  He tucked the elastic band behind his balls and sighed.  

He’d told himself he wasn’t going to jerk off to thoughts of Kaidan, but suddenly he lacked the willpower to deny himself.  Taking himself in hand, he groaned again.  He squeezed, he bit his lip.  He pulled, his breath caught.  Images of Kaidan kneeling between his legs mixed with fantasies of Shepard riding the other man hard and fast.

He wanted that.  He wanted to be fucked.  It had been so long since he’d been filled.  He needed it.  One of his hands slid down behind his balls to press against his entrance.  He was dry, so he wouldn’t be able to do much, but he worked his finger inside of himself up to the first knuckle.  His other hand began to jerk faster, and he tilted his head back on the pillow, biting his lip hard to keep from shouting when he came.  Hot strands of cum splattered over his chest and he gasped as he imagined that it was Kaidan stroking him through his orgasm.  

When he finished, he lay there breathing deeply, holding himself even though he’d already started to soften slightly.  He felt limp all over.  It had been an incredibly strong orgasm, much better than the quickies he’d give himself just because it was something to do.  

He sucked in a lungful of air to bolster himself, and rolled out of bed.  He grabbed blindly for something out of his hamper to clean himself off, then crawled back into bed.  This time he lay on his stomach.  He pulled his comforter up over his shoulders and he wrapped his fists in the cloth and pulled it up under his chin.  The relaxation in his muscles finally reached his brain, and he fell asleep.  

_He knew it was a dream.  He always knew it was a dream.  He could see the smoke in the distance.  It was too far to see anything but the oily black plumes boiling up into the sky, but he knew what he would find._

_“No,” he whispered._

_His body didn’t obey his mind.  He stepped forward._

_Now he could see the flames.  It was still far enough away that he couldn’t make out any details._

_“No, please,” he said.  He could feel the tears running down his face, and he wanted to scream at the fact that his vision was not blurred by them.  Everything was crystal clear._

_The wind shifted, and he caught the scent of smoke._

_The next step brought him close enough to see the burning buildings.  He willed his eyes to close but again his body didn’t obey._

_“I can’t do this again,” he moaned._

_Another step._

_He was surrounded by the carnage.  The broken buildings towered around him, windows empty of glass after the explosion and looking down on him like accusing eyes.  The first caravan truck was tipped on its side in the center of the street, burning so fiercely he could feel the heat even though he stood several yards away.  He stood by the center truck.  It was also on its side, and when he reluctantly looked down at his feet he could see Corporal Jenkins trapped underneath it, eyes already glazed with death._

_There was shouting and moaning, but he couldn’t quite make out the words.  Then one voice reached him through the miasma of sound.  His own voice.  Pleading, begging._

_“Hang on for me.  Just hang on.”_

_Shepard turned slowly.  He saw himself crouched over Captain Anderson.  His other self's uniform was black and filthy, torn in places.  His hands were red as he tried to stop the bleeding._

_The blood on his hands had been hot.  Shepard had never been able to forget that.  In the heat of the desert, Anderson's blood had burned him._

_“Stay with me,” Shepard said dully, and he was echoed by his dream self._

_But Anderson was dying.  Shepard couldn’t stop the bleeding, but it was already starting to slow down to a trickle.  His heart was slowing._

_This time when Shepard took a step, it was normal.  But he was still closer than he wanted to be._

_“Shepard,” Anderson rasped._

_Both Shepards spoke, although the one who knew that this was a dream tried to keep the words behind clenched teeth.  “Shh, save your strength.”_

_Anderson's laugh gurgled into a cough.  Shepard stepped closer, and now he could see Anderson's face over his dream twin's shoulder.  Anderson was smiling gently, blood leaking from between his lips, bubbling out when he exhaled.  "You know it's too late."_

_“Anderson…” Both Shepards' voices were blended together as they spoke to the dying man, both of them hoarse with grief._

_“No, listen,” Anderson said.  Shepard, the one who knew he was dreaming took a final step and knelt down opposite of himself to look down at the dying man.  Anderson had his full attention, even though he was only looking at the Shepard that was burned and bleeding from the same explosion that had taken out the rest of the squad. “I need you to....”_

_He broke off with a cough again and Shepard shuddered as blood splattered over his dream twin's face.  He kept silent, waiting for the message._

_"Tell Kahlee,” Anderson whispered.  More blood bubbled on his lips.  “I’m just… I’m so sorry.”_

_Shepard didn’t ask him what he was sorry for.  It wasn’t important.  “I’ll tell her,” he promised._

_“Proud of you, son,” Anderson whispered before he broke off with a cough.  Blood splattered Dream Shepard’s chin again.  “… so proud…”_

_And he was gone._

_“This was your fault.”_

_Shepard looked up to meet his own eyes.  They were bloodshot and overflowing with tears.  The side of his reflection's face was a mass of blood and shredded flesh.  In that moment, he could feel that pain again, along with the pain in his leg where a bone jutted of the skin just below his knee.  He knew if he looked down, he’d be in his uniform again.  A perfect mirror image of the man who was glaring at him with so much hate that it felt like a hot iron poker stabbing straight into his chest._

_They spoke in unison again.  “This is all your fault.”_

_He wanted to protest.  There was no way he could have known about the bomb and the guerilla fighters waiting to pick off the survivors._

_“Your fault.”_

_The words came out of his mouth and that of the Shepard across from him._

_But in his mind he was screaming denial.  He tried to open his mouth, to tell his younger self that it wasn’t his fault, but his muscles didn’t respond to his wishes now any more than they had when the dream had started.  His chest ached with the need to speak.  His heartbeat thundered in his ears._

_It drowned out his screams._


	12. Chapter 12

A hoarse scream ripped Kaidan out of his slightly erotic dream of a blue eyed man with a crooked smile framed on one side with a lattice of scars.  He jerked upright, automatically reaching for a gun that wasn’t there.  A second scream reminded him where he was.  

Throwing the blanket back, he jumped up from the couch and took a few steps toward Shepard’s room.  Before he could reach the door, Jack was tearing down the hallway.  She slammed through the door, already calling Shepard’s name.

“Shep!” Jack shouted, avoiding flailing limbs to grab him by the shoulders.  “Shep! Wake up!  You’re dreaming!”  She had to duck a fist, but she didn’t stop trying to wake him.  

Kaidan stood in the doorway, wanting to help but unsure of what he could possibly do.  When Jack grunted from a punch in the ribs, he jumped into action.  Holding Shepard down might make his terror worse, but Kaidan had a feeling that if he broke Jack’s nose in his sleep, Shepard would feel like hell.  He knelt on the edge of the bed and did his best to grab Shepard’s arms.

Jack’s expression was unreadable when she glanced at him, but she continued trying to wake Shepard.  She grabbed his face and held him still.  “Shep… dammit, Matt!  Wake up for fuck’s sake!”

Blue eyes finally popped open and Kaidan felt a difference in the tension in Shepard’s arm.  He didn’t loosen his grip yet though.  Shepard’s expression was half panic, half confusion.  

“It’s ok, Matty,” Jack said.  Her voice had turned gentle, with only a hint of worry tingeing her words.  “You’re home.  Do you hear me?  You’re home.”

“Jack?” Shepard whispered.  His breathing was harsh, sawing in and out of his lungs.  His eyes darted around and landed on Kaidan.  He frowned.  “Kaidan?”

Kaidan felt his cheeks heat up, but he didn’t look away.  “Hey,” he said softly.

Shepard’s arm finally relaxed in Kaidan’s grip.  He smiled.  “Hey.”

“Oh god, if you two are going to eye-fuck each other, I’m out of here,” Jack said with a snort of disgust.  She swung back off the bed and stalked out of the room.  

Kaidan turned to watch her go, and that was when he realized that what he’d thought was tight clothing was actually full body tattoos.  He turned to Shepard, sure the shock was visible on his face.

Shepard had sat up and was rubbing his hands over his face and head.  He didn’t seem to have even registered the fact that Jack had been sitting naked on top of him.  The dream had obviously left him shaken because when he lowered his hands, his fingers were trembling slightly.  

Despite his curiosity about Shepard’s nightmare, Kaidan decided not to bring it up.  Instead he said.  “She was naked."

The look Shepard gave him was relieved, and Kaidan was glad he hadn’t asked about the dream, or nightmare, or whatever it had been.  “Yeah, she sleeps like that,” Shepard agreed.  “And yeah, the tattoos are everywhere.”

“She’s really into body art, huh?” Kaidan asked.  He was curious about Jack’s tattoos, and about the fact that Shepard knew she slept naked, but he was also very aware of the fact that he was sitting on the edge of Shepard’s bed.  

Shepard nodded.  “It’s her way of dealing with… things.”

“Things?” Kaidan prompted.  

“It’s not really my story to tell,” Shepard said.  “But there’s a reason she’s prickly.”

Suddenly Shepard seemed to realize what Kaidan had been painfully aware of for a few minutes.  They were sitting together on the bed.  Shepard was in his boxer-briefs, and Kaidan was wearing his clothes.  Their eyes met, and Kaidan smiled.  “You know,” he said.  “That couch is pretty comfortable.”

Shepard’s lips twitched.  “Not quite as comfortable as my bed, but I like it.”

Kaidan lowered his head to look at the rumpled sheets.  It wasn’t a very big bed, and he wondered how someone as tall as Shepard would be comfortable sleeping in it.  “Well thanks for loaning me the couch for the night,” he said slowly as he stood up.  He had to get out of the room now, before he gave in to the urge to see if they could both fit in it.  “I’m going to go take advantage of it.  Good night.”

When he turned away, Shepard caught his wrist.  Kaidan’s heart nearly beat out of his chest when he turned back.  There was no invitation in Shepard’s expression though, and he willed himself to breathe normally.  

“Sorry I woke you,” Shepard said softly.

Again, Kaidan pushed down the urge to ask about the dream.  He wanted to know about this man.  He already knew that Shepard liked coffee mixed in with his chocolate shakes, and he knew that he was a Star Wars fan.  But he also wanted to know why Ashley had told him that Shepard wasn’t as cheerful as he seemed to Kaidan at the diner, and he wanted to know where the scars had come from.

He wanted to know why he felt such a pull towards the other man.

He’d have to stick around for a while to find out.  Suddenly it didn’t seem like such a bad thing that his bike was broken.  

Shepard’s eyebrows lifted in surprise when Kaidan smiled at him.  The expression brought a laugh bubbling up inside of Kaidan, but he suppressed it.  He just shook his head at the question in Shepard’s eyes.  “Nothing to be sorry for,” he said softly.  “See you in the morning.”

Fur brushed against his leg and he looked down to see Normandy rubbing against him.  She looked up and meowed loudly before jumping up into Shepard’s bed and butting her head against him until he petted her.  Kaidan smiled at the cat, and had the silly thought that he’d like to trade her places.  

He left the room, shutting the door behind him.  He settled back down on the couch and fell asleep thinking of blue eyes.

He awoke to a cat in his face.  Normandy was sitting on his chest, staring at him placidly with mismatched eyes, as if this were a normal thing for her.  Freeing his hand from the knitted blanket he was wrapped in, Kaidan reached up to rub her forehead with his thumb.  “Good morning,” he said softly.  She responded with a rumbling purr that seemed too big for such a small feline.

The clump of boots made Kaidan look up from his new friend, but it wasn’t the person he wanted to see.  Jack entered the room from the kitchen, clothed this time, which he was thankful for.  Although a closer look revealed that she wasn’t wearing much.  Just a tank top cut off just below her breasts, a pair of very interesting short shorts, and knee high combat boots.

“Ugh, finally,” she said with a roll of her eyes.  “Having to tiptoe around my own house is fucking irritating.”

Kaidan chuckled at her disgruntled look.  “Well I appreciate that you allowed me to temporarily disrupt your routine,” he said as he sat up and swung his feet down to the floor.  Instinctively he winced, waiting for the headache he'd been suffering from to rage back to life, but to his delight it seemed to be completely gone this morning.  Unfortunately his side still ached pretty badly.  He wasn't looking forward to standing up and seeing how his ankle was doing.

Jack rolled her eyes and lifted something for Kaidan to see.  “I brought you this,” she said testily.  Kaidan could see that it was some folded clothing.  “I figured you wouldn’t want to wander around in Shepard’s clothes all day.”

She tossed the bundle onto the couch next to him, and he saw that it was his own clothing.  He looked up and lifted an eyebrow at her.  “You went through my things?” he asked.  He wasn’t really upset.  There wasn’t anything in his saddle bags that he didn’t want her to see.  Just some clothes, a Kindle, his overnight kit, and chargers for his phone.

“Had to make sure you’re not a psycho killer,” she said as if digging through people’s belongings was nothing out of the ordinary.  The glint in her eyes told him she expected a blow-up, and she was prepared for a fight.

He decided not to give her what she wanted.  “Well thanks for grabbing these for me,” he said calmly.  He stood up, and couldn’t stop a hiss of pain as pain rippled through his side.

Jack’s expression changed to worry, and she took a step forward before she remembered she was supposed to be a badass.  “There’s aspirin in the medicine cabinet,” she said.  Before he could decline, she spun on a heel and took off.  

Kaidan looked down at Normandy, who had curled up on the blanket he’d abandoned.  “I guess I’d better get dressed,” he said.  She gave him a half meow half purr that sounded like she was giving her consent for him to leave the room and he chuckled as he headed for the bathroom.

Jack had grabbed his overnight kit along with his spare pair of jeans, t-shirt, and underwear.  He shaved and dressed, and headed outside in search of his bike so he could put his things away.  

A path led from the house up to a side door in the garage, and as Kaidan approached he could hear music.  When he opened the door the volume went up considerably.  There were two cars that looked like the same model directly in front of him, one in better shape than the other.  The one closer to him looked like it was being stripped for parts to restore the other one, which was up on rails so that the underside was easily accessible.  

Ducking his head slightly so he could see between the top of the part car and the bottom of the one that was being restored, Kaidan could make out his bike.  He made his way around the cars and found Shepard sitting on a stool on the other side of the bike.

“Indie rock?” Kaidan asked in quiet surprise.  “Really?”

Shepard’s head came up sharply, but the tension in his frame drained almost immediately when he saw Kaidan.  “What did you expect?  Country music?” he said as he got up.  He was wiping his hands on an oil rag.  Kaidan wondered if it was the same one he’d had tucked in his pocket the day before.  

“This far out in the middle of nowhere?” Kaidan replied.  “Yeah, I sort of did expect that.”

That earned him a laugh.  “We do have radios with multiple stations out here,” Shepard pointed out.  “But if you want something stereotypical, I do have some George Strait in my collection.”

“I actually like George Strait,” Kaidan said.  He looked down at his bike and winced at the scratches in the paint.  “So… how is my baby?”

Shepard turned his attention to the bike too.  He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.  “Getting her running won’t be a problem,” he answered.  “But I’m going to need to order in a new chain.  I don’t have the right kind of links to repair this one, and when I called the local dealership it was the same price to order a brand new chain as it was to order the links.”

Kaidan waited for the feeling of suffocation that usually came over him when he thought of staying in one place for too long.  Nothing yet.  Instead he was just glad for an excuse to stay a little longer.  “How long do you think it’ll take to get here?” he asked.

“I already called on it and got the order started,” Shepard said.  “But the part is going to be coming from out of state, and then shipping… well it’s going to be at least a week, possibly two.”

At least a week in one place, possibly two.  Still no urge to get the hell out.  Kaidan smiled at Shepard.  “Well I guess I’d better find ways to keep myself occupied in the meantime.”  He frowned thoughtfully.  “And probably a place to stay.  Your couch was comfortable, but I can’t invade your home for that long.”

Was that a flash of disappointment he saw in Shepard’s expression?  

“Well, there's always the motel,” Shepard told him.  “And if you’re looking for something to occupy your time, there’s a movie theater, a bowling alley, and a bar with a couple pool tables.”

“You still owe me a Star Wars marathon, too,” Kaidan pointed out.  

Shepard laughed.  “I promise we’ll do it before you leave.”

They both went quiet, painfully aware that Kaidan would only be in Citadel for a short time.  Wanting to change the subject, Kaidan turned to look at the cars that Shepard was working on.  “So you don’t just do repairs?  You restore cars too?”

“Yeah, it supplements my income,” Shepard said.  He stepped around Kaidan’s bike and put a hand on the 1970 Chevelle he was working on.  His grease stained fingers caressed the metal where the paint had been removed.  Then he sighed and turned back to Kaidan with a rueful smile.  “I don’t have a shortage of work, but when I have free time I work on this.”

Kaidan looked around the garage.  There were two more empty spaces for vehicles.  “Looks like you don’t have much work right now other than my bike,” Kaidan said.  He quirked a brow at Shepard.  “Do you have a little free time right now?  I’d like to repay your hospitality. How about breakfast?”

The smile Shepard gave him was warm.  "I'd like that," he said softly.

Kaidan could have wished that his bike hadn’t broken down and tried to crush him on the road, but he found himself more than pleased with the outcome.  He was pretty sure the prior day's migraine and the accident on his bike were worth being the recipient of that smile. 


	13. Chapter 13

Shepard was surprised by the invitation to join Kaidan at the diner.  He'd thought about asking Kaidan to breakfast himself, but had been slightly afraid to face him this morning.  Twice now, he’d had one of his freak out episodes in front of the man, but Kaidan had seemed to accept the situation calmly, and somehow that had helped.  Usually after a dream like that Shepard wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for hours, if not the rest of the night.  

The things that had happened to him while he was stationed in Afghanistan had left him with pretty nasty bouts of insomnia, and when he did sleep, the nightmares had him back up and pacing the house most nights.  More than a few times Jack had threatened to hold him down and force feed him ambien, but the sleepless nights had slowly dwindled over time.  The panic attack that had started in the laundromat and then kept him up all night had been the first in several months.

Last night had been different though.  Instead of focusing on the bloody images from his memories, and letting them drive him out of his bed, he’d been preoccupied with thoughts of Kaidan.  When he’d fallen asleep to the sound of Normandy purring in his ear, he’d dreamed again but this time it was about the man on the other side of the wall.

Those dreams had been vague, but with definite erotic undertones.  Looking at Kaidan now, Shepard felt himself flush slightly.  He hoped that it wasn’t noticeable in the shadows of the garage.  “I'm actually starving,” he said in answer to Kaidan’s invitation.  “Let me just wash up a little and we can head to the diner.”

“Why don’t you meet me there?” Kaidan asked.  “I’m feeling all my bruises this morning, so I may need a head start.”

Shepard nodded, and watched Kaidan turn to walk out of the garage.  He couldn’t help himself.  His eyes dropped, and his mouth twitched into a smile at the sight of tight jeans hugging Kaidan’s ass.  Even with a limp, there was a sway to Kaidan’s hips that wasn’t at all feminine, but definitely oozed sex.

Stifling a groan, Shepard turned and went through the side door of the garage.  He practically ran into the house so that he could get back to Kaidan quickly.  He didn’t see Jack right away, so he headed for the kitchen to get his hands clean.

"What the hell, Shep?"

Shepard jumped and slanted an irritated glance at Jack where she stood in the doorway to her bedroom.  She had her arms crossed over her chest and was glaring at him, oblivious as usual to the fact that if she'd been close enough he might have lashed out at her for startling him.  One of these days he was going to hurt her if she wasn't more careful.  She was lucky it hadn't happened already.  "What?" he asked mildly as he went back to soaping up his hands.

"Why didn't you fuck him?" Jack asked.  She dropped her arms and strolled forward until she could lean her hip against the counter near where he stood.  "You had the perfect opportunity."

He couldn't help the slightly incredulous look he gave her as he rinsed his fingers under hot water.  This was a complete turnaround from the conversation they’d had last night.  He reached under the sink to pull out a towel to dry his hands and turned to face her fully.  "I'm sorry?"

"You had him in your room last night," she pointed out, speaking slowly.  Her expression said she felt like he was missing something obvious.  

"And?"

Jack threw her hands up in exasperation.  "I'm beginning to think you came home with brain damage, and not just an uglier face," she growled.  Shepard flinched at the reminder of his scars, but she went on, either not noticing or not caring.  "I saw the way you two have been looking at each other.  You should just go for it and bone him."

He barked a laugh.  One of the reasons he loved Jack was her straightforward attitude.  It frustrated him sometimes to have someone who could push every one of his buttons living under his roof.  But he had to admit that the way she mocked his scars, his mood swings, and his panic attacks was actually more soothing than the way everyone else tried to coddle him.  "Jack, I've known him for less than two days," he said as he tossed the towel on the counter.  

Not willing to let it go, Jack followed him as he made his way toward the front of the house.  "So?  I'm not saying you need to get to know him and give him a promise ring.  Just have yourself a good fuck, and let off some steam.  It's not like he'll be around for long, and you can just forget about him afterwards."

Shepard frowned and came to a stop, and turned slowly to face her.  "Have I ever given you the impression that I'm a one night stand kind of guy?" he asked.

"You're a guy," she countered in a matter of fact tone.  "Men don't need to know someone to sleep with them.  You just have to know where to put it."

"Go to hell, Jack," he snapped before turning to leave the house.  She didn't follow him, for which he was thankful.  His irritation faded when he was halfway to the diner though.  He could see where she was coming from, even if he didn’t agree with her opinion.  It would be so much simpler for him if all he wanted to do was to get laid.

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't considered pulling Kaidan down onto the mattress next to him last night.  Lying on his bed, with Kaidan sitting above him had given him all kinds of ideas.  Most of which included getting completely under the other man.  He'd had to sit up and put them on an equal level, or he'd have probably embarrassed himself more than he already had with that dream.

He'd expected Kaidan to question him about it.  Instead he'd gotten an understanding smile, and Shepard had been grateful.  Now, in the light of day, he was surprised to find that he wanted to talk about it.  He'd never talked to anyone about his dreams, not even Doctor Chakwas, although she knew that he had them.  He suspected that any of his friends would be willing to listen, but he didn't want to burden anyone with his problems.

He didn't want to burden Kaidan either, but something made him feel like Kaidan wouldn't think of it that way.  As he pushed the diner door open, he shook his head slightly at himself.  He had no reason to think of Kaidan as the Understanding Good Guy.  Like he'd told Jack, he barely knew the man.  What he thought he sensed in Kaidan was probably just wishful thinking.

His eyes took a moment to adjust to the dimmer light inside.  He looked around, nodding at friends and neighbors as his gaze passed over them.  It took him a moment to realize Kaidan was sitting at the same booth they'd sat at the day before because he wasn't alone.

Wrex, the local sheriff, and his deputy Garrus had joined Kaidan.

“You’d better go rescue him,” Ashley said as she passed him with a tray of soda she was taking to a table near the door.  “You know their warped sense of humor.  They’re likely to arrest him just for fun.”

Shepard nodded confirmation and made his way to the booth.  When he got closer, he could see that Kaidan didn’t look intimidated by the two men at all.  In fact, he seemed to be engrossed in his conversation with Garrus.

“...on the force for about ten years.  My dad was a cop, so it was just natural to follow in his shoes.”

“Must have been busy in a big city like Vancouver,” Garrus said.  He leaned forward, bracing himself on his forearms.  “Nothing like that out here.  Mostly just speeding tickets and keeping the tourists from causing trouble.”

A haunted look flashed across Kaidan’s face, but it was gone so fast that Shepard wondered if he’d imagined it.  “Busy enough,” he muttered vaguely.

Wrex let out a snort that rocked his whole body.  “Well, I guess we won’t have to worry about you causing trouble while you’re here.”

Kaidan chuckled.  “You almost sound disappointed,” he said to the big lawman.

Shepard took that moment to enter the conversation.  “Wrex would be much happier if he had more people to intimidate,” he said with a grin. 

Wrex turned a glare on Shepard, who wasn’t intimidated in the least.  He happened to know that was the sheriff’s default expression.  “Shepard,” the big man grunted.

“Wrex,” Shepard greeted just as simply.  

Apparently done with the conversation, Wrex nodded and turned to take his usual place at the counter.  Miranda was already sliding a plate of pie in front of him.

Turning his attention back to the table, Shepard greeted Garrus with a grin.  “Good morning Vakarian.”  Taking a chance, he slid into the seat next to Kaidan.  He met the other man’s eyes and gave him a slight questioning smile.  While he wasn't keen on Jack's idea of just getting in the guy's pants, Shepard couldn't help wanting to be close to him.  Plus, a small part of him did want to see what could happen between them.  Kaidan responded with a slow smile of his own and a small nod of acceptance.  Feeling slightly triumphant, Shepard turned back to Garrus.

Garrus was of course oblivious to the exchange.  His blue grey eyes tilted up in a pleased smile.  “Shepard,” he said, reaching across the table to clap him on the shoulder.  “You actually look somewhat clean this morning.  Did Jack try to drown you, or have you actually come in for breakfast before crawling under the leakiest cars in existence?”

“Why would Jack try to drown me?” Shepard asked with a raised eyebrow, his voice overflowing with innocence.  “She doesn’t even have a temper.”

Garrus snorted.  “Right, she’s all flowers and sunshine,” he said with a roll of his eyes.  

“She is this morning,” Shepard said.  He slouched back in the seat, spreading his legs slightly so that his knee brushed against Kaidan’s.  He received a nudge in response, and couldn't help the goofy smile that spread across his face.  Garrus gave him a strange look, which only made Shepard’s smile widen.

Ashley came over then to take their order.  "What would you like?"

Garrus gave Ashley a rueful smile and shook his head.  "I've got to get going actually," he said.  He lifted a paper cup with a lid and a to go bag.  He turned to Shepard questioningly.  "Are we still on for fishing this afternoon?" he asked.

Shepard had been so distracted by Kaidan that he’d completely forgotten.  He wanted to groan.  He'd been hoping to ask Kaidan over to finish movie night.  But he and Garrus had been planning the trip all week so he would feel guilty if he cancelled now.  “Yeah,” he said, hiding his disappointment behind a smile.  "I'll close up around three, and come pick you up."

“Great," Garrus said enthusiastically.  He turned to Kaidan.  "Do you fish?" he asked.

The question must have surprised Kaidan as much as it did Shepard.  "Uh, it's been a while," he answered slowly.

"You should come with us," Garrus said.  "I've got an extra pole.  It belongs to Tali, but she hates fishing and will do anything to get out of it."

Shepard could have kissed him.  He would have been happier to have Kaidan to himself, but this was a good compromise.  He jumped in quickly.  "We'd love to have you along," he said.  "If you're going to be here for a while, we might as well keep you entertained."

“Ok then,” Kaidan replied with a smile.  “I really don't have anything else to do, I guess.”

Garrus clapped his hands together.  "Then it's settled.  I'll see you gentlemen this afternoon," he said as he got up from the table, grabbing his drink and to go bag in one large hand.  He gave Ashley a hard pat on the shoulder that nearly knocked the pen and pad she was holding out of her hands, and disappeared out the door.

Ashley glared after the deputy, but her lips twitched in amusement, ruining the expression.  She turned to Shepard and Kaidan.  “Breakfast?” she asked, her pen poised over her pad.

They ordered, and Ashley slipped away, leaving them sitting together on the same bench of the booth.  Shepard thought about moving to the other side of the table, but he wasn’t quite ready to lose the pressure of Kaidan’s knee against his.  He turned slightly so that he could get a good, up close look at the other man.  

“So about the motel.  It's pretty far into town,” Kaidan said after a moment.

Shepard felt a stab of disappointment that Kaidan wasn’t going to be sleeping on his couch again tonight.  “Yeah, about a mile or so.”

Kaidan grimaced.  “That’s not a bad walk on a normal day…”

Remembering Kaidan’s limp, Shepard grimaced in sympathy.  “I can give you a ride,” he said.  

The smile Kaidan gave him was warm and open, and Shepard had to resist the urge to lean into him.  “Thanks,” Kaidan said.  “No hurry, though.  Breakfast first.”

“So do you really want to come fishing with us?” Shepard asked.  “It’s bound to get a little crazy.  We're pretty competitive.”

Kaidan chuckled.  “It sounds like fun, actually.  I haven't been fishing since I was a kid.”  

Shepard smiled.  He felt like he’d been doing that a lot since he met Kaidan, and it felt good.  “I promise we'll go easy on the ribbing if you don't do that well.”  

He received a laugh, and a challenging look.  "Yeah, we'll see," Kaidan said.

"We can just pretend Garrus isn't there, of course," Shepard said.  "He'll barely notice anyway.  He's pretty serious about his fishing."  He paused, suddenly unsure.  "If you want."

His heart began to thud heavily, as he waited to see how Kaidan would react.


	14. Chapter 14

Kaidan heard the slight catch in Shepard's voice, the hesitance that came with uncertainty.  He cleared his throat, but his voice was still rough when he spoke.  “Yeah, I'd like that,” he said softly.

The slow smile that spread across Shepard's face was stunning.  Kaidan felt like he was drowning in blue fire when he met the other man’s eyes.

“Here you go.” Ashley’s bright voice pulled Kaidan out of his trance. 

Shepard finally moved to the other side of the booth so that they had room to eat comfortably, and Kaidan was keenly aware of the loss. 

Once Ashley had slid plates heaped with food in front of them, they fell into easy conversation just like they had the day before.  Shepard wanted to know about his career in Vancouver, and Kaidan answered his questions, careful to leave out the reasons he'd left home.  They’d finished their meals and two cups of coffee before Shepard reluctantly mentioned that he needed to get back to work before Jack came looking for him.  

Kaidan tossed a few bills onto the table, not worried about getting change.  Ashley had been kind enough to leave them alone to talk and he felt she deserved a pretty large tip for that.  They walked back to the garage together in companionable silence.  Kaidan was grateful to Shepard for keeping his steps slow, in deference to his limp.  They went into the house long enough for Kaidan to gather his things, and then headed back outside.

The only vehicles Kaidan had seen in the garage were the two cars Shepard had been working on, and his own bike, so he wasn’t sure exactly what he’d been expecting when Shepard offered him a ride to the motel.  They went around behind the garage where there was a large carport.  Off to one side were some small vehicles covered by a tarp, but the majority of the space was taken by a jacked up Bronco.  It was painted a silvery grey with red racing stripes outlined in black running up the center of the hood.  It sported a massive roll bar and a push bar across the front grill, both in metallic black.  The huge rims were also shiny black, and the tires had thick tread.  The shell was off -he could see it sitting on a pair of wooden horses nearby- leaving the back open to the sky.

“Wow,” Kaidan said.  He reached out and ran his hand over the fender where the word _Mako_ was painted in slanted red lettering.

“I don’t drive it around much,” Shepard said.  He was smiling proudly at the big truck.  “It’s mostly for going out in the mountains and trying to get stuck.”

Kaidan slanted a disbelieving look at him.  “Trying to get stuck?”

Shepard opened the driver’s side door and got in.  He was taller than Kaidan, but he still had to hop up slightly to get in.  “Yeah, you know,” Shepard said as Kaidan opened the passenger side door.  “I take it out into the rocks and see what I can make it climb.”

Getting into the truck didn’t take as much effort as Kaidan thought it would, but only because there was a handle just inside the door that he could use to pull himself in.  “Sounds crazy,” he said once he was seated.

Shepard laughed and turned the key.  The engine roared to life, but then settled down to a low rumble.  A mountain lion purring.  “Yeah, well, Loco is one of my nicknames,” he said as he twisted to watch where he was going while he backed out of the carport.

The drive to the motel was short, and soon Kaidan found himself alone in his new room.  It had been hard to say goodbye to Shepard.  He was definitely looking forward to that evening.  

He threw his backpack and jacket onto the chair in the corner of the room and settled down on the bed.  After staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, he dug his cell phone out of his pocket.  He had a decent signal which surprised him considering how far out in the country Citadel was.  His thumb brushed over the keys on the simple prepaid phone several times before he took a deep breath and punched in one of many numbers he’d been avoiding for a very long time.

He put the phone on speaker and set it on his chest.  One ring, two rings.  On the third ring-

“Hello?”

“Hey Doctor T’soni.”

“Kaidan, you’re not one of my patients.  There’s no need to be so formal.”  Her voice was gently scolding, but he also heard an undertone of relief.  He felt a pang of guilt for taking off without letting her know where he was going.

“I know, Liara,” Kaidan said softly.  “But it’s been a while, and I wasn’t sure…” he trailed off, and in his mind he could imagine her patient expression.  

When he didn’t continue, Liara took up the conversation.  “It has been a long time.  It’s good to hear your voice.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said.  “I feel like a bad friend.”

He’d known Liara since he’d started his career as a detective.  She was the agency shrink, but their relationship had quickly moved past professional and into a close friendship.  

“Never that,” Liara said.  He could picture her rolling her eyes at him, the way she did whenever he said something deliberately obtuse just to set her off.  “I understand why you may feel like you need a little distance.”

“Not just a little,” Kaidan said with a chuckle.  “I kinda left the country.”

“What?  Where are you?”

“The middle of nowhere, USA,” he answered.  

Her laugh tinkled across the airwaves, and Kaidan couldn’t help joining in.  It felt good to talk to her, and he couldn’t believe he’d been afraid to call her.  He had convinced himself that she would be pissed at him for leaving, and maybe she had been.  But one of the things he loved about Liara was her lack of judgment.  He should have known she would accept his actions.  When he’d started his downward spiral into depression and addiction; when she’d visited him in the hospital after his overdose attempt, there had been no censure in her eyes, only worry.  

It was only his own guilt that made him feel like she would judge him for leaving.

“How have you been?” Liara asked when their laughter had died down.

“Clean,” Kaidan answered.  “Not even an aspirin.”

“That’s great, Kaidan.  I knew you could do it.”

He grunted.  “It hasn’t been easy.”

“Overcoming addiction never is,” she replied.  

They fell silent, and it didn't feel as awkward as he feared it might be.  It felt so much like old times that some of his guilt slipped away.  

"So did you call me just to use up airtime?" Liara teased after a moment.

Why had he called her?  He'd avoided talking to anyone from home for over six months now.  

"Kaidan?"

"I met someone," he blurted.

This time the silence on the line definitely held a slight air of surprise.  As he waited for Liara's reaction, Kaidan realized this was exactly why he'd called her.  There were plenty of people that he probably should have called first.  But as much as he enjoyed Shepard's company, he wasn't one hundred percent sure that getting involved with the other man was the best idea.  Liara knew him well, and she was a shrink, and Kaidan really needed her opinion right now.

"That's great, Kaidan," Liara said enthusiastically.  "Tell me about her."

"Him, actually," Kaidan said.  "His name is-" He hesitated over the name briefly.  "Matt.  Matt Shepard.  My bike broke down, and he’s fixing it for me."  It occurred to him suddenly that he'd never told Liara he was attracted to men.  It wasn't something that had ever come up because he'd been too focused on his career at first.  Then after he'd met Rahna, it was a moot point.

She didn't even miss a beat.  She laughed again.  "Mechanics are sexy," she said brightly.  "And maybe if you play your cards right you can get your bike fixed for free..."

Kaidan barked a short laugh.  "Liara," he said in mock reproach.

"What?" Her voice was all cheerful defense.  "I happen to know you are not a prude, Kaidan.  Rahna told me a few stories you know."

The mention of his ex-wife didn't make him flinch.  There was pain, but it was minor... only a twinge of regret.  "Yes, well we've just had a few meals together.  I don't know if it would be a good idea to take it any further.  I need to come home eventually."

There it was.  The truth he'd been avoiding.  He'd been on the road for six months, ever since he'd gotten out of the hospital.  He hadn't stayed more than a night in any one place because he'd felt an itching under his skin.  The same itch he felt when he needed another pill to dull the pain.  It had slowly faded, but it was only yesterday that he'd given any thought to staying in one place for any length of time.  There was no itch.  No suffocation.  The urge to run was missing.

He wasn't naive enough to think that maybe Shepard had "healed" him.  Time had done that.  But Shepard had brought it to his attention. He'd been driving around in a fog, and for the first time in a very long time his mind felt clear.  Kaidan genuinely liked Shepard, and he was aware that it was rare to find a connection to someone like he had with the mechanic.  

"Kaidan," Liara said softly.  "I'm going to give you some professional advice, free of charge."  He snorted at her.  She never charged him, and was always willing to give him her professional opinion whether he wanted it or not.  "Home is where the heart is, Kaidan.  If you decide you've found a new home, then stay."

"We just met, Liara," he said quietly.  

"I know," she replied in a gentle tone.  "But don't let a false sense of duty to your past hold you back if this attraction turns into something more."

He had responsibilities in Vancouver.  He'd left his mother in charge of his share of the family business, and he had a condo, and an open invitation from Chief Hackett to come back to his job once he was ready.  No matter what happened in Citadel, he would need to go home eventually.  But...  "Thanks, Liara," he said gruffly.  "For, you know... everything."

"You're always welcome," she said.  "So... tell me more about this guy?"

Kaidan laughed and began answering her questions.  They talked until he ran out of minutes, ending the call with him promising to keep in touch.  After hanging up, he was full of energy.  He couldn't sit still, but there really wasn't anything to do until later that day.  So he called the phone company, charged the phone back up, and made some more calls.  He had some business to take care of.

Later, Kaidan felt more than ready for a few beers.  He'd called his lawyer, his realtor, Hackett, and eventually his mother.  All the calls he'd made had been a lot easier than he'd expected.  His lawyer had had very little to discuss, although he'd scolded Kaidan for staying out of communication for so long.  They hadn't really done a lot of business since the mugging almost two years before, but it was probably a good idea to let the man know he was out of the country.  He'd put his realtor on standby to sell his condo.  Even if he should go back to Vancouver, he didn't want to live in that space anymore.  He'd never shared it with Rahna, having purchased it after his divorce, but it still held unhappy memories.

His conversation with Hackett had gone well.  Somehow the man had never lost faith in Kaidan's abilities despite all the trouble over the last few years.  The job offer was still open at any time but Kaidan made it clear that he still wasn't sure when he'd be back in Vancouver.  That call had been interrupted near the end by a familiar voice, one which Kaidan had missed a lot.

"Alenko, you weren't planning on hanging up without talking to me, were you?"

"Hey, Kasumi," Kaidan said with a laugh.  "You were actually next on my list."

There was a delicate harrumph, and Kaidan could picture her rolling her eyes at him dramatically.  "I'm your partner," she said dryly.  "I should have been at the top of your list."

Technically she wasn't his partner anymore, not while he was on leave.  But the bonds of friendship they'd developed while working together were stronger than anything professional.   He talked to her about Shepard as well.  Just like Liara, Kasumi didn't seem bothered that Kaidan was interested in a man, and soon she had him laughing when she told him she was already starting a background check.  "He's ex-military," he told her pointedly.  "I'm pretty sure his record is clean."

"You never know until you check," Kasumi said in a singsong voice that sounded slightly too eager.  

Kaidan sighed, knowing there would be no dissuading her now.  They chatted for a few more minutes before she let Hackett have his phone back.  The chief's voice was dry, and Kaidan smiled when he imagined Kasumi grinning cheekily at the older man while he glared at her for taking over the phone call.

Actually dialing his mother's number had been the hardest call to make.  If he'd felt bad about dropping off Liara and Kasumi's maps, disappearing on his mother had him feeling like a child again.  She'd been glad to hear from him, ecstatic really, and had grilled him with questions he did his best to answer.  The only answer he couldn't really give her was when he was coming home.  Her sigh had been long suffering, but she hadn't pushed him for more of a commitment.  She had, however, warned him that his father wouldn't be pleased and suggested letting her deal with him.  Kaidan had gladly accepted.  

By the time he finished all the phone calls he needed, it was well after lunch, but Shepard would show up in just a couple hours.  Kaidan's stomach growled and he was tempted to see if he could find a place nearby to get some food.  His leg and ankle ached, but it wasn't so bad that he wouldn't mind walking a few blocks to pick something up.  If he remembered correctly, the grocery store was only a couple blocks down the road.  When he'd talked to Nyreen about renting a room for a longer stay, she'd set him up in a bigger room that was equipped with a mini fridge and a microwave.  He could get a few things to fill the fridge.

A glance at the clock told him he'd have just enough time to get there and back.  He grabbed his keys and wallet, and made for the door.  When he opened it though, he found Shepard there with his fist raised to knock.

Shepard's surprised look faded into a sheepish smile.  "I know I'm early," he said.  "But I needed to hit the store and pick up some supplies.  I got a few extra sandwiches and wanted to see if you were hungry."  He held up a plastic bag stamped with the grocery store logo.

Kaidan chuckled.  "Good timing actually," he said as he stepped back and gestured for Shepard to join him.  "I was just about to see what I could find."

As Shepard stepped past him, Kaidan took a breath and caught the scent of car oil, and a hint of something tangy underneath.  He didn't bother to hide the smile that twitched at his lips when he remembered where that fruity smell came from.  

They settled onto the bed, with the plastic bag between them.  Shepard dug into it and pulled out a sandwich that he handed to Kaidan.  "I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I hope you don't mind roast beef with cheddar," he said.  He pulled out a handful of single serving mayonnaise and mustard packets.  "If you want any of this, you'd better claim it before I do.  I'm going to drown mine in mayo."

Kaidan laughed, and grabbed two of each before he unwrapped his sandwich.  They prepared their sandwiches in silence, although Kaidan gave an amused snort when he saw how much mayonnaise the other man was using.

"Sandwiches are just mayo delivery devices," Shepard said as he squeezed out the last packet of mayonnaise onto the bread.  He flashed a mischievous look at Kaidan as he picked up a single mustard packet.  "You're not allowed to tease me about getting fat."

"Hey, one of my favorite foods is poutine," Kaidan protested.  "I have no room to tease you for drowning your food in condiments."

Shepard's head cocked to the side.  "What's poutine?"

"Fries covered in cheese curds and gravy," Kaidan answered before taking a bite of his sandwich.

The other man froze, and his eyes wide with wonder.  "Are you serious?"

Kaidan nodded, chewing.

"Oh my god," Shepard breathed.  "That is something I need in my life."

"I know how to make it," Kaidan said.  

Shepard gave him a slow smile.  He didn't say anything, simply bit into his own sandwich, but something in his expression said that maybe what he really needed in his life was Kaidan.


	15. Chapter 15

When they were finished and had cleaned up after themselves, they made their way outside.  Heat washed over them, and Shepard was looking forward to the cold sodas and beers he had brought along.  His truck was parked across several parking spots because it had a trailer with two large shapes covered in tarp behind it.  When he saw the curious look Kaidan gave him, he walked over and lifted a corner of the tarp, revealing a pair of wheels.

"Four-wheelers," Shepard explained as he dropped the tarp back down.  "We're going to a reservoir, but it's pretty big, and sometimes it's easiest to get around to the prime fishing spots on wheels."  His eyes dropped down to Kaidan's legs pointedly.  "Especially if you're not up to long hikes."

Kaidan's smile was rueful as he acknowledged his injuries with a nod.  "What about Garrus?" he asked.  "Is he bringing one of his own?"

"No, he'll ride one, and I'll ride the other," Shepard said.  He began to walk around to the other side of the truck, but he paused and looked over his shoulder at Kaidan.  His lips twitched with the effort of holding holding back a smile.  "You can ride behind me if you don't mind holding on pretty tight.  I'm told I'm a bit of a crazy driver."

That comment earned him a husky chuckle and a headshake.  "I don't mind at all," Kaidan said, before turning to take his place in the truck's passenger seat.

They rode in silence, going off Citadel's main street, and taking a few turns before they pulled up in front of a small house with a police cruiser parked in the driveway.  Shepard honked, and the front door opened.  Garrus walked out with a couple of fishing poles slung over his shoulder and what looked like a tackle box in his other hand.  Tali followed him out, her hair wrapped in another scarf.  This one was white with black swirling designs on the cloth, and it emphasized the pale color of her eyes.  

She stood on the curb with her arms crossed over her chest, watching as Garrus put his gear in the back of Shepard's truck.  Once he was done, Garrus turned and wrapped her in his arms in a tight hug, giving her a quick peck on the mouth.  Her lips were tilted up in a fond smile, and he kissed her one more time before releasing her and climbing into the back of the truck, using the bumper as a step.  Her ice-pale eyes turned to Shepard and she gave him a mock glare.  "No driving off cliffs for fun," she scolded.  

Shepard heard Kaidan give a surprised cough, but he kept his smile trained on Tali.  "We're just going to the reservoir.  No joy riding, I promise."

She snorted, but her pursed lips relaxed into a smile.  Taking a step back, she made a shooing gesture.  "Get out of here, then," she ordered.

Shepard gave her a mock salute, and settled back into his seat.  He grinned first at Garrus through the rearview mirror, then at Kaidan.  "Ready?" he asked, already taking his foot off the brake.

Kaidan gave him an uncertain look.  "Do you make a habit of driving off cliffs?" he asked.

In the back, Garrus laughed.  "He's more likely to try driving up one," he called over the noise of the truck's engine as he settled himself with his back against the seats so he was looking backwards. 

"There are no cliffs at the reservoir," Shepard said, unable to hide the defensiveness in his tone.

Kaidan looked less uncertain at that, but he did give Shepard occasional sidelong glances as they made their way out of town and toward the reservoir.  The drive wasn't long, only about half an hour to get to the canyon and then another 15 minutes to get up to where he could park the truck.

"Twenty dollars on the first fish, and twenty on the largest?"  Garrus asked as he jumped out.  He went straight to work on freeing the four-wheelers.  He didn't wait for an answer because that was the typical bet anyway.  They'd start making more as the day went on.  Instead he cast a glance at Kaidan who came up to help him.  "You in?"

Shepard unhooked the fastenings on the other side of the trailer.  "You don't have to if you're worried about money," he said.  He couldn't imagine that Kaidan had a lot of spare cash, especially with the upcoming cost of fixing his bike.  Not that Shepard had any intention of charging him full price.

Kaidan only laughed.  "I'm in.  How about another twenty for whoever gets the most?"

"That's what I'm talking about!" Garrus crowed approvingly.

Between the three of them, they had soon the four-wheelers out of the trailer, and their gear strapped to the bars behind the seats.  The cooler with food and drinks was tied down behind Garrus, giving room for Kaidan to sit behind Shepard.

Shepard scooted forward on the seat, and waited for Kaidan to join him.  He tried to hide the eagerness he felt to have the other man pressed against his back.

Kaidan eyed him warily.  "I'm not going to regret this am I?"

Garrus saved Shepard from having to answer.  "Oh hell, he's not that bad," he said as he started the engine on his four-wheeler.  He winked at Shepard and added "At least on flat land."  He took off, leaving a trail of dust behind him.

It was obvious that Garrus hadn't reassured Kaidan in the least.  Shepard jerked his head in a beckoning gesture as he started his own four-wheeler.  "Come on," he shouted over the sound of the engine.  "I promise to be on my best behavior."

Kaidan gave him an assessing look, then he rolled his eyes before stepping closer and swinging a leg over the seat.  As he settled onto the seat Kaidan leaned forward to wrap his arms around Shepard’s waist.  He leaned forward until his chest was pressed against Shepard's back, and his voice was smooth as velvet when he spoke.  "Maybe you don't need to be on your best behavior.”  

Shepard suppressed a shiver as Kaidan's breath washed over his skin.  He wanted to tilt his head and offer his neck for the other man's mouth.  Instead he turned his head and found just inches between their faces.  He met Kaidan's dark honey colored eyes and felt his lips lift in a smile.  "Noted," he answered.

He cleared his throat and turned his attention towards following Garrus’ path around the reservoir.  All his senses stayed trained behind him on the other man, and he was suddenly uncomfortably aware that only cloth separated their bodies.  Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Shepard twisted the throttle and took off after Garrus.

 

***

 

A little over an hour later, and Garrus and Shepard both owed Kaidan twenty bucks for catching the first fish.  They were still in the running for biggest and most of course.  Those prizes would have to wait until they were done for the evening to determine who was the winner.  

Kaidan leaned back against the tree he'd found near the edge of the water and lazily watched the bobber on his line.  He couldn't remember the last time he'd just sat and done nothing for hours.  Yeah, technically he was fishing, but he'd only caught the one fish so far.  The large golden trout was still alive on a hook chain in a small pool nearby, swishing its tail languidly.  Kaidan would have released it, but Garrus and Shepard fished for food.  He looked at the fish with a small frown of apology, but he had to admit that he was looking forward to eating it.  

It was still daylight, but the other men were planning on staying until they'd caught their limit or until they were too tired to stay up.  Apparently that meant Shepard would be cooking dinner over a campfire nearby.  He'd left his fishing pole in Garrus' care while he'd gone to collect firewood.  There was already a blackened circle of stones nearby from previous fishing trips, and once they were ready, one of them would head back to the truck to get supplies for cooking.

"So... you and Shep seem to be getting along pretty well." Garrus had made himself comfortable on a large rock nearby.  

Kaidan turned his head against the tree trunk and raised a brow at the other man.  "Yeah, I think so," he answered vaguely.  He wondered where Garrus was going with this.  His tone sounded casual, but it seemed like an odd thing to say.

His intuition was right.  Garrus cast a look back at him, and his eyes were hard.  "You probably ought to be careful," he said.  There was an edge to his voice, and Kaidan suspected that was his Deputy Tone.  "I'd hate to see him get attached to someone who won't be around for long."

They stared at each other while Kaidan mulled over those words.  So it was obvious to other people that they had made a connection.  He sat up straight, careful not to jostle his pole and scare away fish.  "I've been thinking about that," he said slowly.  It had been almost the only thing on his mind since he'd talked to his friends earlier that day.  "There's not anything that would prevent me from sticking around for a while if I wanted to."  He returned Garrus' stare, careful to make sure the other man knew exactly how serious he was.  "And if I had a reason to."

Garrus continued to look at him for a full minute before he nodded, and the hard mask slipped away to be replaced by a goofy smile.  "You're all right, Alenko," he said brightly.  

Kaidan opened his mouth to say more, but suddenly Shepard's pole jerked out of the makeshift stand Garrus had made out of rocks for it.  Garrus dropped his own pole and lunged for it, catching it before it could get dragged any further and lost in the water.  "Holy shit!" he crowed as he jerked back on the pole to make sure the hook was set.  "This is a big one!"

It took him several minutes to reel it in, and he was right.  It was huge for a rainbow trout.  Garrus wanted to claim it as his own catch since he'd reeled it in, but Kaidan lifted a brow at him and stared him down until he huffed out that they'd count it as Shepard's.  

The trout went onto the hook chain next to Kaidan's, just as Shepard returned with his arms loaded with wood.  He dropped it next to the fire pit and walked over to stand next to Garrus.  "I'm pretty sure that's going to win me twenty bucks," he said, chuckling when his friend glared at him.  

Shepard winked at Kaidan as he picked up his pole and began to re-bait the hook.  Once he had it cast back out, he settled down on the ground next to Kaidan, a smile playing around his lips.

"You knew he was going to try and claim it, didn't you?" Kaidan asked quietly so his voice wouldn't carry to where Garrus was sitting several feet away.

"Are you kidding?" Shepard asked, turning to give Kaidan an incredulous look.  "I would have done the same thing to him in a heartbeat."

Kaidan snorted and smacked him in the thigh, making Shepard laugh.  

Several hours and many more fish later Shepard had the fire going and was gutting three of them in preparation for cooking.  Kaidan watched his hands, fascinated by their dexterity.  Shepard's fingers were long, thin, and agile.  They wielded the knife easily, and Kaidan had to remind himself that they had also held guns, likely with just as much ease.

The sun was down by the time Shepard pulled the fish off the fire, sliding the crisped flesh onto plates.  Kaidan accepted his serving and examined it in surprise.  It looked and smelled delicious, and when he ate some of the flakey flesh he moaned in delight.  "Wow," he said, before taking another bite.

"No kidding," Garrus added around a mouth full of his own fish.

Shepard settled onto the dirt next to the fire, balancing his own plate on his knee.  He just smiled up at Kaidan, his eyes shining gold in the firelight.  

Seeing Shepard smile so proudly, it was hard for Kaidan to remember that he had any reason to leave Citadel at all.  “If you keep feeding me, I might have to stick around for a while.” Kaidan was only half teasing.

Shepard’s smile turned sly.  “Noted,” he said before taking a bite of his own meal.

“Ugh,” Garrus grunted from across the fire.  “Get a room.”

Kaidan and Shepard shared a look.  One filled with humor, yes, but also with possibility.


	16. Chapter 16

The next week passed too fast for Shepard.  Since he'd taken Kaidan fishing they'd spent at least part of every day together.  They'd gone to the drive-in theater with Jack and Miranda and watched some awful sports movie that no one actually cared about.  Shepard had let Kaidan help him out in the garage, and they'd shared quite a few meals together.  With nothing else to do, Kaidan had wanted to explore Citadel a little bit, and Shepard had actually handed over the keys to his truck.  Jack had given him such a look of disbelief when he told her that he'd wished he'd kept it a secret.

She had reason to be shocked though.  That truck was his baby.  He'd worked his ass off to buy it in high school, and then he'd restored it, even painting it himself.  He'd been obsessed with it because fixing it up had felt like a tribute to his dad who had been the one to teach him to restore old vehicles.  When he'd left for the army, he'd threatened Jack with bodily harm if he came home to find anything wrong with it.  

And now he'd let an almost complete stranger borrow it.  

Granted, Kaidan was just driving around Citadel and had brought it back after a few hours with a full tank of gas, something Jack had never done on the few occasions he’d let her borrow it.  Shepard had been tempted to hug him, only barely refraining.

Even with as much time as they'd spent together, Shepard still wasn't sure how Kaidan would react to something like that.  They touched, quite a lot actually, but it was mostly brushes and nudges.  Shepard knew that he'd given Kaidan at least a few intense looks, and he'd received a few as well, but there was something holding him back.  

It was the knowledge that as soon as Kaidan's bike was fixed, he'd probably leave.  He wanted to ask Kaidan to stay for a while, but how could he?  As much as they talked, it was obvious to him that Kaidan was hiding things about his life in Vancouver.  Whatever it was had to be serious because there were certain topics where Kaidan made efforts to change the subject.

The day the bike chain arrived, Shepard sat down on a stool in the back of the garage and stared at the package.  Now that he had it, Kaidan's bike would only take a few hours for him to fix. 

"Oh for fuck's sake.  You are such a big damn baby."

Shepard didn't look up at Jack when she spoke.  "I really like him, Jack," he said in a monotone.

"So ask him to stay." Her tone made it obvious she thought was being an idiot.  "And don't give me any bullshit about not knowing him well enough, or _but he's got a lifesomewhere else._ "  That brought Shepard's head up in surprise, and she lifted an eyebrow at him.  "What?  Like it's not obvious what you're thinking?  I know you, remember?"

He gave her a wry smile, and sighed as he stood.  "I'll think about it," he said.  When she opened her mouth to harangue him some more, he held up both hands defensively.  "Please, Jack.  I just need a little more time."

The look she gave him was acidic, but she didn't say anything more on the subject.  She turned on a heel and stalked over to where she'd been working on replacing the brakes on Ashley's truck.  Every once in a while he'd catch her grumbling things about him, but otherwise she left him to his thoughts.

He went to work on Kaidan's bike.  Replacing a chain really wasn't that hard, and he finished quickly.  There wasn’t much he could do for the paint job unless he completely re-did it, but he did sand out the scratches and cover them in a clear sealant to prevent rust.  Kaidan hadn’t asked him to do that, but he was stalling for time.  He was wiping his hands off on a rag, doing little to get them clean as usual, when Ashley walked in.  She still had her name tag on, so he knew she'd just walked over right after her shift.

"Hey, Shep," she said brightly.  "Is that Kaidan's bike?"

He nodded as he tucked the oily rag in his back pocket again.  "I just finished it.  I'm going to call him about it in the next few minutes."  He had the number directly to Kaidan's room at the motel, although he'd barely used it.  Usually he just drove over and knocked on the door.

Ashley's expression fell.  "I'm going to miss having him around." Her tone was regretful.  She ran a hand over the seat of Kaidan's bike.  "Do you think he'll leave right away?"

"I don't know.” Shepard’s voice was even, but on the inside he ached when he thought of Kaidan leaving.  

Dark eyes came up and pinned him with a speculative look.  "You should see if he wants to come out to the Blue Sun tonight for Karaoke," she said.  "It could be like a date."

Shepard blinked at her.  "You think I should ask him out on a date, when he could very well leave the next day?"

She shrugged, and gave him a coy smile.  "If he says yes, maybe that's your sign that he'd be willing to stick around a little longer if you asked."  She leaned forward and gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder.  "If you don't ask, then you'll hate yourself for it."

She was right.  He smiled and gave her a light punch back.  "Thanks, Ash."

As she went over to talk to Jack about her truck, Shepard left the garage.  There was a phone in there, but he didn't want to have this conversation in front of the two women.  He headed into the house and straight to his room.  Now that the decision was made, he didn't hesitate to pick up the receiver and dial.

Kaidan picked up after two rings.  "Hello?"

"Kaidan." Shepard was proud that none of the turmoil he was feeling sounded in his voice.  "Your bike is fixed."

"Oh." Was that a hint of disappointment Shepard heard in his tone?  "That's great."

"It's ready when you are," Shepard said, then quickly added.  "Hey, would you like to go out with me tonight?"

There was a moment of silence on the line, and Shepard could picture Kaidan trying to process the quick change of subject.  "Uh, sure," he finally replied.  "What did you have in mind?"

"It's Karaoke night at the bar," Shepard said.  "I was hoping you'd like to go with me.... on a date."  There was another moment of silence and his heart began to pound with anxiety.  Not being able to see Kaidan’s expressions was making it worse.  He should have gone over and asked him in person.  "Well it doesn't have to be as a date-"

"Yeah," Kaidan cut him off quickly.  "I'd love to go on a date with you."

Relief flooded through Shepard, so strong that his hands actually began to shake.  "Great." He let out a breath on a short laugh.  "Can I pick you up around eight?"

  
  
  


A date.  How long had it been since Shepard had been on a date?  At least a few years.  He’d gone out with a few people while he was in the army, even had a few serious relationships, although nothing that lasted more than a year.  However, it had all been after he’d left Citadel.  It felt a little strange to be taking someone out in his home town.

In front of all of his friends.  

Jack had already been giving him a hard time.  As soon as he’d told her he was taking Kaidan to the Blue Sun, she’d started asking him if he was going to get “girlied up” and suggesting what pants to wear so his ass wouldn’t look fat.  She was not put off by the flat looks he gave her.  If anything, that only spurred her on.  Ignoring her did no good either.  

He wasn’t nervous about going on a date with Kaidan, not really.  Kaidan made him feel comfortable, although how that could possibly be the case after only knowing him for a week, he had no idea.  Maybe it was the way Kaidan’s eyes always met his directly instead of going to his scars first.  It could also be his easy smile and ready laugh, or even the way he leaned into Shepard’s space without making him feel crowded.  

What _did_ make him nervous was the idea of introducing an almost complete stranger to his motley crew of friends.  It was a little bit like having a crazy family, and Shepard was bringing Kaidan home to meet them, so to speak.

It was true that Kaidan had met several of them already, but only one or two at a time.  Shepard himself barely survived being in the same room with all of them at once.  How could he subject Kaidan to that chaos?  When he knocked on Kaidan’s door that evening, he was seriously considering asking if the other man wanted to just come back to his place and finish the Star Wars marathon they'd started the weekend before.

The door opened and Shepard’s worries faded when he saw Kaidan.  The other man was dressed in a simple black t-shirt and a pair of jeans.  Shepard felt better about his own clothing choices of jeans and dark red button up shirt.  Jack’s prodding must have made him more self conscious than he’d realized because he’d given serious thought to some of her suggestions for nicer clothing.

“Hey” Kaidan,s smile spread slowly.  "You look good."

Shepard returned the slow smile.  “Are you flirting with me?” he asked.

Kaidan chuckled and gave his head a small shake.  “If you have to ask then I must not be doing it right.” He stepped out of the room.  Shepard didn’t step back.  The narrowed space between them made it more obvious that he was taller than Kaidan by a few inches.  Kaidan’s brown eyes glinted up at him mischievously.  “You’ll have to let me practice.”

Shepard’s fingers twitched, and instead of resisting the impulse he reached forward and wrapped them gently around Kaidan’s wrist.  A small tug brought him even closer, and Shepard’s fingers slid down to thread with the other man’s.  He watched Kaidan’s expression closely for any sign of hesitation, but found only warm acceptance.  “Of course,” he said softly.  Then he grinned.  “I feel that I should warn you that tonight is going to be hell.”

“You think I’m afraid of your friends?” Kaidan seemed to have an uncanny ability to guess correctly at what Shepard meant.  “Come on, Shepard.  They can’t be any worse than Jack or Garrus.”

Tightening his grip on Kaidan’s fingers, Shepard turned and began leading him out of the motel.  “One at a time, my friends are awesome,” he said wryly.  “As a group, they’re a massive pile of crazy.”

“I’m sure I can handle it,” Kaidan said as they walked out into the light of the evening sun.  

The fact that Kaidan was willing to try gave Shepard a warm feeling.  He was aware that he wore a goofy grin, but he couldn’t find the strength or the will to suppress it.  

“So where is this place?” Kaidan asked once they were on the road.  

“It’s not far,” Shepard answered.  “But it’s not on Main Street.”

The Blue Sun was a small bar on the edge of town, a few blocks west of Main, and the parking lot was already full by the time Shepard pulled in even though the sun was just barely touching the horizon.  

Before they got out of the truck, Shepard turned to Kaidan.  “There’s still time to back out.” Somehow the words meant a little more.  He was aware that Kaidan sat on his right side, where all of Shepard’s scars were visible.  

Kaidan didn’t even look at them.  “We’ve already come all this way.  We might as well go inside.”  Without waiting for an answer, he opened the door and slid out of the truck.

Shepard chuckled and turned off the engine before following.  His eyes dropped to Kaidan’s ass as he trailed behind him.  He wanted to dig his fingers into it to gauge if it was as firm as it looked.  He dragged his eyes away, and felt the goofy smile spread over his face again.

Quickly he jogged ahead to catch up with Kaidan, and walked by his side to enter the Blue Sun.

Music and laughter washed over them as the door opened.  A quick glance around revealed that Jack had already made it.  She and Miranda were playing pool in the back.  He gave her a nod and took a step forward, but his path was blocked by a wall.

“Shepard.”

The wall was actually a man.  A very big man, that required even someone as tall as Shepard to look up to.  “Grunt.”

Grunt’s grey eyes swept over him coldly before turning to Kaidan.  “And who are you?” he rumbled.

Shepard rolled his eyes.  “He’s with me, Grunt.”

The big bouncer turned his glare back to Shepard, who raised a brow at him in challenge.  They stared at each other silently for several heartbeats before Grunt finally cracked a welcoming smile.  He let out a low husky laugh.  “I’m just messin’ with you, Shepard,” he said jovially.  He clapped Shepard on the shoulder hard enough to make him stumble slightly.  “Garrus warned me you were bringing your new boyfriend.”

Shepard shot a glance at Kaidan, and was relieved to see the man looked amused.  “Grunt, this is Kaidan.  Be nice.”

Grunt laughed again.  “I’m always nice, Shepard,” he said when his chuckles died down.  He gave a respectful nod to Kaidan and stepped out of their way.  

“Shepard!”

This time the voice calling his name was near the bar.  He grinned, and motioned for Kaidan to follow him.  Others called his name in greeting as he made his way through the open area set aside for dancing, Kaidan close on his heels.

A familiar green eyed man with a scruffy beard and a blue cap sat on a stool at the bar, grinning widely at him.  Leaning into his side was a tall woman with grey eyes sparkling with mischievous humor behind the orange frames of her glasses.  “Shepard, you made it!” Joker called.  “And you brought your new buddy.”  He held out a hand to Kaidan who took it in a friendly handshake.  “Good to see you again.”

“You know I wouldn’t miss karaoke night,” Shepard said as he hugged the other man.  He turned to the woman standing next to him.  “Hey, Edi.  I see you’re still dating this loser.”

Edi slipped her arms around him for a hug of her own.  “He still amuses me, so I keep him around,” she said in a serious tone.  Anyone who didn’t know her would have a hard time determining that she was kidding.

Shepard made quick introductions, and was relieved that EDI kept her normal teasing to a minimum.  Once it was no longer rude, he extricated himself and dragged Kaidan to a table near the back of the room.  He held up two fingers to Zaeed, who was busily mixing drinks behind the bar, and slid into a chair.  When they had a little bit of privacy, he turned to see Kaidan giving him a questioning look.

"This place is going to get packed," Shepard explained.  "And I'd like to have you to myself for as long as possible before the horde descends."

Arms came around his shoulders, and he stiffened for just a moment before he caught the scent of Ashley's favorite vanilla perfume.  "Too late." She leaned over his shoulder to kiss him on his unblemished cheek, then let him go and slid into the chair next to him, leaning forward on crossed arms.  "So... is this a real date?"  Her dark eyes were bright with mischief as she eyed them both.  "Finally?"

To Shepard's relief, Kaidan chuckled.  "Why?  Were there bets going on?"

Ashley's eyes widened in picture perfect innocence.  "What?  Of course not."

Kaidan snorted and rolled his eyes in disbelief.  "How much did you win?" he asked.

Knowing she was beat, Ashley gave up.  Her innocent look melted into the grin of a cat who'd caught a big fat canary.  "A lot.  And I owe you a drink for making me win."

"There were people betting that Kaidan would tell me no?" Shepard asked.

Ashley laughed.  "No way!  We all knew that Kaidan would say yes if you asked."  

Kaidan coughed, and leaned back in his chair.  His face was flushed when Shepard turned to look at him, but he shrugged and smiled.  "So what was the bet, then?" Kaidan asked.

"We were betting on who would break down and ask first," Ashley said.  “I pegged you for being the shy type.”

“Shy?” Kaidan sputtered, just as a young woman arrived, setting beers down on the table in front of him and Shepard.

The waitress smiled at them warmly and turned to Ashley.  "Do you want something too, Ash?" she asked.

Ashley shook her head.  "No thanks, Gabby.  I'm up to sing next." She winked at the men at the table and stood.  Swirling a finger at the table to indicate the beers Gabby had just set down, she added "Put this round on my tab though, would you?  Thanks!"  Then she was gone in a swirl of vanilla perfume.

“I am not shy,” Kaidan muttered as he glared after her.

Shepard chuckled and picked up his beer.  “And yet she won the bet,” he said.  He probably should have been irritated about the fact that his friends were betting, but honestly, he was just too thrilled to be here with Kaidan to mind.


	17. Chapter 17

Kaidan watched Ashley's slim figure as she strutted away, his mind whirling.  This was the first time he'd seen her outside of the diner, and he had to admit she looked really good in casual clothes instead of the neat black slacks and white blouse she worked in.  Especially with her long dark hair trailing down her back, and not pulled up in a tight bun at the nape of her neck.  If circumstances were different, he might have flirted with her that first day she'd taken his order, but his attention had been captured by Shepard as soon as he'd seen him.  

Turning to Shepard he found him smiling fondly after Ashley.  Kaidan waited until the other man's attention was back on him.  "I was planning on asking you out today, but you beat me to it."

Shepard's bright blue eyes widened in surprised pleasure.  "Really?"

Leaning forward on his elbows on the table, Kaidan crooked a finger.  Shepard leaned toward him, and the smell of tangy fruit and hints of car oil filled Kaidan's senses.  One corner of his mouth tilted up, and he spoke just loud enough to be heard over the music.  "I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together this week," he said.  "And yet I can't seem to get enough of you."

Around them the other patrons of the bar began to cheer.  Ashley was up on the small stage on the other side of the room, and the music was starting.  Everyone's attention was on her, and for that moment it felt like Shepard and Kaidan were alone in the room.  Shepard was staring at Kaidan intently, his lips quirked up in a small smile.

"You can have more of me if you want," Shepard’s voice was low, pitched so only Kaidan could hear.

Kaidan's eyes dropped to Shepard's mouth.  He definitely wanted more.  The temptation to lean forward and taste those lips was strong.  Inhaling more of the other man's scent, Kaidan let his eyes fall closed for a brief moment, but then leaned back slightly.  "I want more than just a fling." Opening his eyes again, he found Shepard staring at him intently.  "I don't want you to think I take things like this lightly."  

"Does that mean you're thinking of staying in Citadel for a while?" Shepard asked.  His expression was unreadable, but his blue eyes burned into Kaidan.

He was more than thinking about it.  In the last week, Kaidan had done a lot of soul searching.  He still wasn't ready to go back to Vancouver.  Somehow it no longer felt like home for him, and it hadn't for a very long time.  When he'd left,  he had thought it was so that he could escape the pain of his divorce, and the source of the drugs that had nearly ruined him.  But more than that, he'd been looking for a new place to find his life again.  That pinching around his heart that had kept him riding for so long was home-sickness.  But home was no longer the big house his parents lived in, or the orchard where they spent their summers.  It was no longer wherever Rahna was.  He'd lost that feeling of belonging.

He had found it in Citadel.  Even with all the time he'd spent with Shepard over the last few days, he'd still had a lot of time to himself.  He'd spent it learning the town, and meeting new people.  Garrus and Tali had had him over for dinner once, and Kaidan felt like they were long lost friends.  He'd talked with Miranda one morning over coffee in the diner, learning about how she'd spent most of her childhood in Australia, only coming home to Citadel when she was in highschool.  Even Jack had spent a little bit of time with him, and he was pretty sure that she liked him despite her prickly attitude.  

As much as he missed Liara and Kasumi, and his parents, he knew he'd miss Citadel and it's inhabitants if he left.  And then there was Shepard....

"I'd like to stay," Kaidan finally answered.  "And I'd like to see what can happen between us."

If it was possible, Shepard's stare intensified.  He moved, and Kaidan's breath hitched in anticipation.  

Before anything could happen, Jack plopped down in a chair across from them.  "I'm going to get pregnant just from watching you two.  The eye sex is intense." She took a pull off a long necked beer bottle.  

Kaidan noticed that Shepard jumped slightly before leaning back in his seat and glaring at his roommate.  "We're having a private conversation, Jack," he grumbled.

Miranda sat down in the chair next to Jack, a martini glass in her hand.  "Don't be ridiculous, Shepard," she said.  "A bar is the worst place to try and have a private conversation."

Next to her, Jack smirked behind her beer.  

"So, Kaidan," Miranda pulled the olive out of her glass and popped it into her mouth.  "Are you going to sing tonight?"

Kaidan shifted until he could lean back in his chair.  "Uh, probably not," he said with a sheepish smile.  "Maybe next time."

That made both women perk up in their seats, but it was Miranda who spoke.  "Does this mean there will be a next time?"

Kaidan cast a glance at Shepard.  "I'm considering it," he said vaguely.  Blue eyes flashed at him, and he smiled.  It was clear that Shepard wanted him to stay.  "I guess it depends on what kind of competition I'm looking at.  I can sing, but if everyone around here sounds as good as Ashley does right now, I may avoid Karaoke night just to avoid embarrassing myself."  

Shepard laughed, and by his smile, Kaidan knew his message had been received.

Kaidan would stay.

The women seemed to realize what he meant too.  Miranda smiled in approval, and Jack let out a whoop.  She turned to Miranda, smacking her lightly in the arm.  "You owe me twenty bucks," she exclaimed.

"Oh god," Shepard groaned.  "Another bet?"

"Damn right, Boyscout," Jack growled.  "And no, I'm not buying you a beer."

"In fact," Miranda added, "Why don't you get me another drink?"  She tossed back the rest of her martini and set her glass down in front of him.  Leaning forward, she patted Shepard on the cheek.  "Take your time."

The look Shepard gave her was overflowing with suspicion, but he didn't argue.  He just pointed a finger at her nose like he was scolding a bad puppy.  "Be nice," he said.  The finger swung over to Jack.  "That goes for you as well."

Kaidan laughed at the overly innocent looks they both gave him.  Shepard's serious look stayed in place, but he winked at Kaidan before he walked away.  As soon as he was gone, Jack leaned forward eagerly.  

"So are you a top or a bottom?" Jack was grinning wickedly.

"Jack!" Miranda snapped.  

"What?" Jack asked, completely unrepentant.  "It's a legitimate question!"

Miranda rolled her eyes so hard that Kaidan was surprised they didn't fall out of her head.  "For Shepard, maybe," she pointed out.  Her words were slow and enunciated carefully.  "But none of our business."

Jack waved away her words, undeterred.  "If the sex isn't going to be good, they might as well give up before they get started."

Kaidan felt like he should probably be embarrassed, but he was far from it.  He laughed in delight.  "Jack, I think you'd get along with my partner Kasumi really well," he said.  He could just imagine Kasumi asking him the same question, only she would act a lot more innocent about it, probably dropping the question in among questions about how his day was and did he want cream in his coffee?

"Partner?" Jack demanded.  She'd tensed all over, and her expression was a growing thundercloud.  "I thought you were single."

Miranda put a hand on Jack's back, in a soothing gesture.  "That's not what he means," she said.  She and Kaidan had talked about his friends at home, and he'd told her about Kasumi.  "He's a cop."

"A detective," Kaidan corrected with a smile to lessen the impact.  "Well kind of.  I'm not technically employed at the moment."

Garrus appeared at his shoulder, and plunked down in Shepard's chair.  There was a lull in the music because Ashley's song was over, and he'd heard the last part of Kaidan's statement.  "Where's all your money coming from?" he asked.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably.  Growing up as a rich kid hadn't made him a lot of friends, and as an adult it had gotten him a lot of ribbing from co-workers who didn't understand why he would work if he didn't have to.  He wasn't quite ready to reveal what he was worth and having that behavior start up in his new friends too.  "I had a pretty big nest egg saved up when I quit," he hedged.  It was the truth.  They didn't need to know that it was the income from the family orchards and winery that he owned shares in.  

To his relief, Garrus accepted that answer without thought.  "They must pay you really well up there in Vancouver," he grouched.  

"Oh shut up," Miranda laughed.  "You're not poor."

Garrus pointed a finger at her with the hand that held his beer.  "I'm not sitting on a big enough pile of money to take six months off work, though," he countered.  

The music started up again, and Garrus straightened.  "Tali's up!" he said excitedly.  "I'll see you losers later."

Jack flipped him off as he left.

Shepard returned with the necks of three beers held between the fingers of one hand, and a martini in the other.  After handing out drinks, he reclaimed his seat.  "What did I miss?"

"We're still trying to find out if Kaidan is a top or a bottom," Jack grinned wickedly at Kaidan.

Kaidan barked a short laugh, but Shepard groaned, covering his eyes.  "Jesus, Jack!"

Miranda must have decided to take pity on him because she stood, pulling Jack with her.  "We're going to go sign up for the singing.  You boys have fun."  

It was obvious Jack wasn't ready to leave the table, but Miranda had a tight grip on her and dragged her away.  

"Sorry about that," Shepard said, grinning sheepishly.  

Kaidan laughed again.  He was still surprised at how much he was doing that since he'd come to Citadel.  "I don't mind,” Something wicked gripped him suddenly, and he lifted his beer.  "And I'm mostly a top," he said just before touching the rim to his lips.

 

***

 

Shepard _shivered_.  He could and would absolutely switch, but he loved being filled.  The idea of Kaidan being inside him had his heart pounding, and his palms sweating.  He was more than half tempted to drag Kaidan out of there and beg for a demonstration.  

Kaidan must have seen his reaction, because the wicked light in his eyes intensified.  Jack always joked about the way they "eye-fucked" each other, but right at that moment, Shepard could actually _feel_ it in Kaidan's stare.  He opened his mouth to suggest leaving, but he didn't get a chance.  

"Loco!  Glad you made it!" James slapped Shepard’s shoulder enthusiastically.  "And you brought New Guy!  Mind if we join you?"

Not waiting for an answer, James sat.  Steve was with him, and his eyes sparkled with humor as he sat down as well.  

It was probably for the best.  This was supposed to be a date, and Shepard didn't want to end it too soon or give the wrong impression by dragging Kaidan out for a quickie in the back of his truck.  He made introductions, and pushed thoughts of being under Kaidan (or even over him... Shepard almost shivered again at that mental image) to the back of his mind, so that he could enjoy the date.

James and Steve eventually left, replaced by Tali and Ashley.  They took off to sing a duet and Garrus stopped by again.  At one point even Wrex showed up to say hello.  

"You seem like a good kid," the sheriff rumbled at Kaidan.  He hooked a thumb at Shepard.  "Are you sure you want to get involved with this troublemaker?"

Kaidan's eyebrows went up in surprise, and he cast a curious look at Shepard before turning his attention back to the Sheriff.  "Uh... is he a troublemaker?" he asked uncertainly.  

Shepard leveled a glare at the older man, but Wrex ignored him.  "He's an arsonist," His tone was casual as if announcing Shepard's crimes were as simple as saying it was dark outside.  He leaned over the table and pinned Kaidan with a serious look.  "Arrested him for it myself."

This time the look Kaidan shot at Shepard was slightly tinged with horror.

"Oh, for the love-" Shepard broke off and took a deep breath through his nose.  He knew Wrex well enough to know he was deliberately trying to get a rise out of him, but to anyone who didn't know him, he would look dead serious.  Shepard knew this story would come out eventually anyway, so he cast a short glare at Wrex, then turned to Kaidan to explain.  "First of all, it wasn't me.  Second-" he threw one more glare at Wrex for good measure. "He also arrested the guy who really started the fire."

"And he pressed assault charges on you," Wrex’s expression was completely serious, but Shepard could see the barest hint of a merry twinkle in his eyes.

"He deserved it," Shepard mumbled as he lifted his beer to his lips.

Tim Harper had deserved it.  Shepard had only been living with him for a few weeks when he'd caught him beating Jack in the barn.  He’d always known that Jack’s dad was a drunk, and an asshole, but actually witnessing the abuse had sent him into an honest to god, red-visioned rage.

Wrex finally cracked a smile.  "You bet your shit, he did." He turned back to Kaidan and slapped him hard enough in the arm that he almost unseated him.  "But keep him away from the matches, just in case."

And then he was gone, a low delighted laugh trailing behind him.

Kaidan's eyes were wide as he watched Wrex disappear into the crowd, and that didn't change when he turned to face Shepard.  The questions were clear in his expression, but he didn't speak, only waited patiently for the story.

With a sigh, Shepard sat his beer down on the table.  "When my parents died, I went to stay with Jack and her dad, Tim Harper," he explained.  "He's my dad's cousin."

"So you and Jack are related?" Kaidan asked.  "No wonder you're so close."

Shepard couldn't help smiling.  "Were you jealous of her?"

"Well she does wander around your house naked," Kaidan pointed out.  "Not that it's obvious, with all those tattoos, I guess."  He leaned forward on the table.  "So what happened?"

It was never pleasant to talk about the short time he’d lived with Tim, and Shepard sighed before telling the story.  He spoke in a flat voice, listing the string of events as if they had happened to someone else.  "He's a drunk asshole, and he'd go after Jack with his fists sometimes.  He tried to beat her in front of me, over something completely stupid, so I beat him instead.  We were outside, and I knocked him down and he had a lit cigarette.  It was summer, and the grass was dry and went up in flames.  By the time Jack had us pulled apart, the flames had spread to the house."

"Wow," Kaidan grinned.  "Good for you."

Shepard blinked at him for a moment before returning the smile somewhat shyly.  "I'm not going to lie," he said.  "It felt really good when I broke his nose."

Kaidan laughed.  "You know," he said when his laughter had died down to chuckles.  "I think people around here see you as a hero for that."

A blush rose up in Shepard's cheeks and he shifted uncomfortably.  "Maybe a little bit."  He had gathered most of the town's misfits around him as friends, and he did tend to be somewhat protective.  But that didn't mean he liked people making a big deal out of it.  To hide his discomfort he lifted his beer to take a drink, only to find that it was empty.  Damn.

"Time for another?" Kaidan gestured at the empty bottle.

Another beer would be good, but Shepard shook his head.  "I'm the one with the keys tonight."

"I'm going to go grab one more then," Kaidan said as he stood.  He put his hand on Shepard's shoulder and squeezed.  "I'll be right back."

Was it just Shepard's imagination, or did Kaidan's fingers linger?

Shepard stared down at the empty bottle, turning it in his hands and picking at the label with his thumbnails.  He could feel the goofy grin playing across his lips, but he couldn't help himself.  He had more of a buzz from the fun he was having than from the beer.

The sound of his name caught his attention and he looked up to see people turning to look at him.  

"You're up!" Ashley called from near the stage.

Shepard frowned.  He hadn't signed up to sing.

"Come on," she motioned with her hand.

The only explanation was that someone had signed him up without telling him.  Shepard sighed, and pushed himself out of his chair.  He'd find out who it was and kick their ass later, but he wasn't going to make a scene.  "What am I singing?" he asked.

The sparkle in her eyes told him she was to blame for this, and he gave her a warning glare.  Ashley's smile just widened further. 


	18. Chapter 18

Kaidan waited patiently at the bar until the craggy, one-eyed bartender caught sight of him.  The man scowled at him, but Kaidan wasn't intimidated by the look since it seemed to be a permanent expression.  

"So you're Shepard's new friend, are you?" the man asked in a gravelled voice.  He looked Kaidan over and then gave a snort, as if he found flaws but was too busy to point them out.  "I'm Zaeed.  What can I get for you?"

"A Heineken, please," Kaidan said.  

One corner of Zaeed's mouth went up as he bent to grab a bottle from under the counter.  "Polite one, ain't ya?" He popped off the cap.  "Where are you from?"

"Canada," Kaidan answered as he accepted the bottle from him.  

Zaeed waved a hand at him when he pulled out his wallet.  "It's going on Shepard's tab. You're a long way from home."

Kaidan chuckled because Zaeed spoke in a rough English accent.  "Look who's talking," he countered.  "What's your story?"

"Oh god, don't ask him that," Gabby came up next to Kaidan with a tray full of empty glasses.  She gave Zaeed a fond smile as she began moving the glasses to the counter.  "He'll talk your ear off and nothing he says will answer your question.  I need two pitchers."  That last was directed at Zaeed who gave her a baleful glare before turning to fill the order.  She turned to face Kaidan and leaned an elbow on the counter while she waited.  "Short story is that he's Miranda's godfather and we're all stuck with him now."

A cheer went up before Kaidan could respond to that and he turned to see that Shepard now stood on the stage nearby.  He felt his mouth drop open in surprise.  Of course it had been a possibility that Shepard might sing, since they were there for the karaoke, but they hadn't talked about it.  Other than getting drinks, Shepard had been at his side all night, so that must have been when he'd taken the opportunity to put his name on the list.

Or maybe he hadn't.  Shepard cast a glance in his direction, and when their eyes met he flushed bright red.  It wouldn't surprise Kaidan if someone else had signed him up.

When the music started, Kaidan's eyes widened even further.  He recognized the song.  It was _Wicked Game_ by Chris Isaak.

Once Shepard started singing, there was no embarrassment, and Kaidan immediately understood why.  The man belonged on a stage with a voice like that.  Shepard stared straight at him as he sang in a rich baritone that sent goose bumps down Kaidan's spine.  The way Shepard sang was like pure sex.  Kaidan felt every word like a stroke against his skin.

He didn't even notice when Gabby disappeared from his side and Ashley took her place.  She leaned up and spoke in his ear.  "You're welcome."

Kaidan didn't take his eyes away from Shepard, but he did laugh.  "I take it you're the one who signed him up?"

"Every first date needs a good serenade," she replied before leaning into his arm.  "He doesn’t sing for us very often anymore."

That did get Kaidan's attention, and he glanced down at her in surprise.  It was just a brief look though, because his eyes were immediately drawn back to Shepard.  "It has something to do with those scars, doesn't it?" he asked just loud enough for her to hear.

He saw her nod out of the corner of his eye.  "He's had things rough for a long time, but whatever happened when he was gone broke something in him.  He's healing, but it's slow."

"You don't know what happened?" he asked, attention still on the tall, blue eyed man on the stage.

"I don't think even Jack knows," she answered.  

She didn't say any more, and Kaidan didn't ask any more questions.  He had already guessed that Shepard had something traumatic in his past that he didn't talk about.  He hoped that it would be something they could talk about eventually though.  Of course, that would mean talking about his own issues.  It was going to be a two way street.  

Kaidan was surprised that the idea didn't bother him very much.  

 

***

 

The song ended to another round of loud cheers.  Shepard stepped down off the makeshift stage amid compliments and pats on the back.  Jack was booing and catcalling him as usual, and he flipped her off, softening the sentiment with a grin.

He slipped through the people waiting for the next song to start and sidled up to the bar next to Kaidan.  Brown eyes were sparkling with amusement, and his scarred lips were twitching with unspoken words.  “Go ahead,” Shepard said with a resigned sigh.  “I can tell you’re itching to say something.”

Kaidan laughed and shook his head.  “I was trying to come up with something a little more eloquent than ‘wow’, but anything more than that is beyond me at the moment,” He held out a bottle of beer.  "You can have some if you want.  You must be thirsty after singing."

Shepard eyed him sideways as he took the beer Kaidan offered him and sipped it.  “Is that a good ‘wow’ or a bad ‘wow’?” he asked after he lowered the bottle and handed it back.  He licked his lips, highly aware that Kaidan's lips had touched that same glass rim.

The cheering swelled again as the next person took the stage.  He wasn’t surprised that it was Tali again.  She could always be counted on to be up at the mic several times on karaoke night.  

Kaidan leaned in so that he could be heard over the music, close enough that Shepard could feel his breath brush against his jaw.  “Definitely good,” Kaidan’s words were just loud enough to carry to Shepard.  “Do you do private shows?”

Shepard felt himself flush slightly, but it wasn’t from embarrassment.  He knew he could sing well, after all.  It was the idea of being in private with Kaidan, and all the things he’d rather be doing than singing to him.  A lot of those things involved him raising his voice, but he doubted that was what Kaidan had in mind.  

Or maybe he did.  When Shepard turned to face him more fully, it left just inches between them but the other man didn’t move to widen the space.  Kaidan’s mouth was quirked up in a lopsided smile, but his eyes were serious.  “I might be able to be talked into it,” Shepard said just as quietly.  

“Oh, just kiss already!”

Shepard’s first reaction was to strike out, but he managed to suppress all movement but a stiffening of his muscles.  He turned and attempted to freeze Ashley with a cold glare.  She had both elbows leaned behind her on the bar, and was watching them with an air of cheerful expectation.  When she saw that she had his attention she gave him a little nod, clearly giving him permission to resume what he was doing.

Kaidan leaned back, and laughed.  “Maybe after another beer or two,” he said.

Straightening up, Ashley turned to wave down Zaeed. “Well in that case, this one’s on me,” she said brightly.  

“I’m not going to turn it down,” Kaidan said with a grin.  He finished off the beer he was already holding in three quick swallows and traded bottles with Ashley when she handed the new one over.  His smiling eyes flicked to Shepard as he took the first sip.

Somehow, Shepard found himself jealous of that beer bottle as he watched Kaidan drinking.  “Is that how it works?” he found himself asking.  “I need to get you drunk to get a kiss?”

 

***

 

Aware that Ashley was watching intently, Kaidan lowered his beer.  On the surface, Shepard’s face was smooth, expectant, with a hint of a teasing smile.  But Kaidan thought he heard uncertainty underlining the words.  

“No,” he answered.  His voice was soft, and he was sure Shepard couldn’t have heard him over the music pounding through the speakers.  Resting his beer on the bar, he took half a step forward and reached up with his free hand to slip his hand behind Shepard’s neck.  His fingers found the ridge of a scar, and when he traced it’s length a quiver seemed to run through the taller man’s body.  For a split second he wondered if that had been a shiver of revulsion, but instead of pulling away or stiffening up, Shepard swayed toward him.  “You just have to ask,” Kaidan said with enough volume to make sure that he could be heard over the music.

Shepard’s lips parted.  “Kaidan,” he breathed.

Kaidan didn’t hear him, but he felt the word against his mouth and saw the question in Shepard’s eyes.  A small nudge was all it took to bring Shepard’s mouth down on his.  The kiss was simple, just a gentle press of lips.  This time it was Kaidan’s turn to shiver.  Shepard’s lips were smooth and dry against his, but warm in a way that made Kaidan want to delve deeper.

A whoop from the a few feet away reminded him of where he was at.  He broke the kiss reluctantly, pulling back enough to look up at Shepard but still close enough that he’d only have to move his head to kiss him again.  Shepard’s eyes were heavy lidded, and dilated.  The look he was giving Kaidan was full of heat, and instead of looking as dazed as Kaidan felt, he looked predatory.

“Take him home!” Jack shouted from nearby.  She’d been the one cheering.

Kaidan finally released Shepard, and took a step back.  He lifted his beer and took a long swallow, while Shepard turned to glare around the room.  

 

***

 

Not a single person looked intimidated by his stare.  That was the problem with friends, Shepard thought irritably.  They knew he wasn’t likely to inflict any of the damage he threatened them with.  For a brief instant he missed being in the army where people jumped to do his bidding when he barked orders.  His squad had eventually figured out that he was not as scary as he looked and sounded, but at least they had still followed orders, and backed down when he glared at them.  

He turned back to Kaidan who looked more collected than he had when the kiss had ended.  “I was thinking about suggesting we get out of here,” Shepard said dryly.  “But if we leave now, they’re all going to get ideas.”  

“Would that bother you?” Kaidan asked.  Then he cleared his throat.  “I mean, I know we haven't known each other long, but-”

“No,” Shepard cut him off firmly.  He smiled to soften the denial.  “I’m more worried that they’ll send Jack to spy on us and report back later.”

Kaidan threw his head back and laughed.  The sound made warmth curl in the pit of Shepard’s stomach, and he felt his goofy smile come back.  He really couldn’t help it.  Kaidan made him want to smile, and damn if it didn’t feel good.  

When Kaidan’s laughter faded into a chuckle, he shook his head.  “If that’s the case, we should probably stick around a little longer.  I’m ok with public displays of affection but outright exhibitionism is not really my thing.  I’d rather not be wondering if Jack is hiding around a corner if I’m with you.”

“Well, I think if we stick around a little longer people will get too drunk to care what we do,” Shepard suggested.

“Are we going to do something they might care about?” Kaidan asked.  “Because I’m going to be honest here.  I kinda like that idea.”

Shepard grinned.  “I do too,” he replied.  

“Hey,” Kaidan said suddenly.  “Do you want to dance?

 

***

 

He knew where the idea had come from.  The idea of sneaking off to be alone together had conjured images of all the things he’d like to do with Shepard that were not appropriate in front of an audience, and suddenly he needed to feel Shepard’s body pressed against him.  

To his surprise, Shepard went pale and a distinctly hunted expression flashed over his face.  "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea." He didn't move, but somehow he seemed to draw back from Kaidan, and his expression turned wary.

Kaidan frowned in confusion, but before he could ask what was wrong a big beefy arm went around Shepard's shoulder.  A smaller man would have been knocked into the bar by the weight of James Vega suddenly plowing into them, but Shepard barely swayed.

"What's the matter, Loco?"  It was clear that James had had quite a bit to drink, although Kaidan didn't doubt that the big man could shake off his inebriation in a heartbeat if he needed to.  Somehow there was an air of dangerous grace to the man that wasn't dimmed by his cheerfully drunk demeanor.  He poked Shepard in the chest with a hand that held a mostly empty beer bottle as he continued to speak.  "Don't you want to dance?"  He turned to Kaidan.  "He's just shy.  Don't let him talk you out of it."

"James," Shepard said in a warning tone.  "Don't push it, or you and I will go outside and dance."  

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow at the emphasis Shepard used on the last word.  Somehow he suspected the word was being used in a different context.  One that might involve fists.

James leaned back and slapped Shepard on the back with a carefree laugh.  "I'm just messin' with you, Loco.  Don't get your panties in a twist."  He turned sparkling eyes on Kaidan.  "He doesn't dance, amigo.  And trust me, if you'd seen the things I've witnessed, you'd never ask him to."

"James," Shepard growled.

Suddenly Steve materialized next to James.  "Quit aggravating him, Mr. Vega," Steve wore an amused smile.  "I rather like your face the way it is, and I'd hate to see Shep rearrange it because you can't keep your mouth shut."

"ESTEBAN!" James crowed before launching himself at the smaller man and wrapping him in a bear hug.  They stumbled away, although it was obvious that Steve was leading, and ended up on the dance floor rocking together slowly.  The music was too upbeat and high energy for the slow dance they'd fallen into.  Over James' shoulder, Kaidan caught a wink from Steve.

Kaidan laughed again.  He'd been doing that a lot this evening, and it felt good.  Since coming to Citadel it seemed like he'd laughed more than he had in... well, years actually.  He glanced at Shepard to find him no longer glaring daggers at the other men, his face softened into an amused smile.  "So," Kaidan said, bringing Shepard's attention back to him.  "No dancing?"

Shepard winced.  "Uh, no.  It's a skill I never acquired."

That was surprising, considering what Kaidan knew about Shepard so far.  He built models, restored old muscle cars, and if Jack was to be believed, he could fix any vehicle parked in his garage, including fancy new ones with computers built into the engines.  Not to mention the fact that he sang like a fallen angel.  Shepard's movements were graceful and measured; Kaidan recognized training in the way he moved.  For someone who seemed to move like a mountain lion, it seemed strange that he couldn't dance.  "Maybe you just need practice," Kaidan suggested.  He closed the space between them again.  "Or the right teacher."

 

***

 

Shepard took a deep breath in through his nose, pulling in the scent of alcohol and cigarette smoke and Kaidan.  Making a fool of himself in front of his friends would almost be worth it if Kaidan  wanted to be his teacher.  "Are you offering?" he asked.  

His mouth went dry when Kaidan smiled at him.  Involuntarily, his tongue slipped out to wet his lips.  

"Sure," Kaidan chuckled.  "Although maybe not here.  I have a feeling your friends would be distracting."

Shepard huffed a dry laugh.  "Somewhat.”

He looked around.  The party was still going strong.  Joker was cheering EDI on as she arm wrestled with Garrus, and Wrex looked to be waiting his turn.  Jack and Miranda were talking in a booth table at the back of the bar, and everyone else seemed to be either dancing or watching Tali sing.  Ashley must have slipped away during the kiss.  "You know," he said conversationally.  "No one's paying attention to us anymore if you want to slip out."

When he turned from surveying the room, he found Kaidan's gaze burning into him.  "Yeah," he answered slowly.  "I'd like that."

Shepard tilted his head in the direction of the door and Kaidan followed him as he made his way toward it.  Grunt sat in a chair tilted back on its hind legs near the door, with his arms crossed over his chest.  His wide mouth was pulled into a smile, although he still looked like he was glaring at the people in the bar.  His eyes came up when Shepard and Kaidan approached, and his lips parted to show his teeth in a vicious looking grin.  "You outta here, Shepard?"

"Time for me to go before I'm too drunk to drive," Shepard told him.  He felt Kaidan's warm body lean slightly into his back when he came to a stop, and his goofy smile came back.  There was no way Grunt would believe his excuse now.

Instead of commenting, Grunt let out a low laugh and held out his fist.  "Have a good night, Shep.  Stay out of trouble."

Lightly pounding his own knuckles against the bouncer's Shepard nodded wordlessly and led Kaidan out into the night.  Once they were settled into the truck, Shepard turned to the other man.  "I'd like to show you something if you're up for it," he said.  "And if you trust me."

Kaidan's eyes looked black in the starlight.  His gaze was considering, but it wasn't long before he spoke.  "Ok.”

Shepard didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he received his answer.  He let out it out in a rush, a little dizzy with relief.  He wasn't sure why it felt so good that Kaidan trusted him, but his mood soared.  This time when he grinned, it was with excitement.  "Great," he said brightly.  "You're going to want to buckle up."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the hiatus! I got wrapped up in finishing the whole story for NaNoWriMo. The good news is that the story is finished! The bad news is I have soooooo much editing to do. It's daunting! Thanks for being patient with me :)

As they pulled out of the parking lot, Kaidan wondered at himself.  He did trust Shepard.  It might be because so many people seemed to trust and respect the mechanic, but if he really stopped and thought about it, the trust had been there all along. 

He studied Shepard intently as they drove.  Vaguely he realized they were going the opposite direction from the motel, and were heading out of town, but he was too busy trying to divine why he felt the way he did to really pay attention to where they were going.  Shepard had a presence of command about him, but Kaidan suspected it was the man's gentleness that really drew him.  Somehow the scars seemed to enhance the goodness of his nature despite the way they made him look somewhat sinister under certain lighting. 

He liked Shepard's scars.  Just barely he resisted the urge to reach out and touch them.  Somehow it didn't seem like the right time.  His fingers curled into a fist at his side to keep them still.  

In an effort to keep from doing something he wasn't sure Shepard would accept, Kaidan turned his eyes away from the man and stared out the window.  That's when he realized they had left Citadel far behind.  They were on the road Kaidan had been taking when his bike broke down.  He let out a nervous chuckle.  "I hope this road isn't as bad luck for you as it was for me," he said into the silence. 

Shepard glanced at him sideways, but his lips were turned up in a mischievous smile.  "If we break down out here, I'm going to assume it's _your_ bad luck.  I've driven through here thousands of times." 

"That doesn't make me feel better," Kaidan said softly.  Enough had gone wrong in his life that the idea of bad luck following him around exclusively sent a chill down his spine. 

"Did I say something wrong?" Shepard asked.  He mostly kept his eyes on the road, but his eyes flicked to Kaidan every few seconds in worry. 

Kaidan shook his head at the other man's concern.  "No," he said quietly.  "I just thought of something that I wish I hadn't." 

Shepard seemed to accept Kaidan's words, and he fell silent for several long minutes.  When he spoke again, his voice was as quiet as Kaidan's had been, and strangely flat.  "What are you running from?" 

Those words brought Kaidan's head swinging around so he could stare at Shepard.  The other man was staring studiously out the windshield, and his hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly.  Kaidan had known the question would come eventually.  Anyone who really thought about it would wonder why he was drifting the way he was.  He'd never stayed in any place long enough for it to become an issue, but he'd stopped in Citadel instead of just passing through.  He was making friends.  People that he genuinely liked.   

And there was Shepard. 

Waiting for an answer. 

He thought about hedging around the conversation.   _What makes you think I’m running from anything?_  But no.  He actually _wanted_ to talk about it.  

He looked out the window again, not quite ready to see Shepard’s expression when he heard the story.  “I killed someone,” he said flatly.  He glanced at Shepard, concerned about his reaction. 

All he got was a lifted eyebrow.  “In the line of duty?” Shepard asked. 

Of course Shepard would take it calmly.  He had probably seen a lot more death during his military days than Kaidan had in all his years as a cop.  He almost smiled.  Unfortunately, the subject was still difficult to talk about, and the gravity of the discussion kept the smile buried.  “It was a mugger.  We fought, and I broke his neck.  I've got a scar where he knifed me before I could take him down.”  The words were cold and clinical.  A short list of events that changed his whole life.   

It had been a normal night.  They'd gone for a walk that evening and stopped at a restaurant for dinner.  They were walking home hand in hand, each carrying a doggy bag, and Rahna telling him about a conversation she'd had with her mother earlier that day.  They hadn't been all that worried.  The neighborhood was typically a safe one, and Kaidan was a cop, after all.  The mugger had jumped out of a small alley, brandishing a knife, more scared than Kaidan had been.  If Rahna hadn't screamed at the sight of the blade, he probably would have just demanded they hand over their money and things would have been different.   

But Rahna had panicked, and so had the mugger.  He'd lashed out at her, and Kaidan had jumped in to protect her.  The man hadn't been very large, but he was a lot stronger than he'd looked.  In the scuffle that followed, Kaidan ended up with a slash in his stomach, and when he'd taken the man down with him to the street, he'd heard a double crack.  Pain had raged through Kaidan from the shoulder injury, so it took him a moment to realize the man's body had gone limp.  Once he did though, he knew what had happened. 

He could still see Rahna’s horror when she realized what he’d done.  It still hurt to think of the disgust and fear in her eyes when she looked at him.  “My wife-" 

"Whoa, what?"   

Kaidan looked over at the angry surprise in Shepard's voice.  He'd forgotten that the subject of his marriage hadn't come up yet.  Quickly he explained.  "We're divorced," he said, reaching out to put a hand on Shepard's arm.  "I'm sorry.  'Wife' still slips off the tongue." 

Shepard frowned at him slightly, but after a moment his face cleared and he nodded.  Kaidan felt the tension ease out of his muscles.  "Go on," he prompted. 

Kaidan gave Shepard a grateful smile before answering  “My ex-wife… she saw the whole thing.  And she couldn’t handle it.” 

When he fell silent, Shepard didn’t speak right away.  When he did, there was nothing in his voice that revealed what he thought.  “What do you mean?” 

“Rahna-,” Kaidan swallowed.  It felt strange saying her name.  “She has a gentle soul.  She is the kind of woman you want to keep safe and sheltered and loved.  And when she saw what I’d done…” 

“It was self defense.” Kaidan was surprised to hear the anger in Shepard’s voice. 

“Yes,” Kaidan answered simply.  “And Rahna knows that.  I truly believe she does know that.  But she never looked at me the same way again.  And while I was dealing with my injuries and the legal fallout, she just… slipped away from me.” 

The truck slowed, and Shepard pulled onto a side road that Kaidan hadn’t seen.  It was narrow, just barely wide enough for two vehicles to pass, and there were no lines painted on the asphalt.  The road was poorly maintained.  In fact, Kaidan would be surprised if it had ever been maintained since it had been laid down.  The asphalt had formed into washboard ridges that shook the truck hard enough that Kaidan worried his teeth might rattle loose. 

“Sorry,” Shepard said loud enough to be heard over the sound of his tires.  “We won’t be on this road for long.” 

Kaidan fell silent.  The subject was uncomfortable enough that he didn’t feel like raising his voice over the noise.  They didn’t speak for another ten minutes until Shepard pulled off onto a dirt road.  It was full of potholes and rocks, but the ride was quieter.  They had slowed down considerably.  The truck had no problems with the ruts and bumps, but Shepard still drove carefully. 

“So you’re divorced?” Shepard finally prompted after the silence had stretched for another few minutes.   

“Yes, for almost two years,” Kaidan’s  stomach twisted, and he wanted to kick himself for not telling Shepard about his marriage.  Thinking about it now, he wondered if Shepard thought he'd misled him.  So far he seemed curious more than anything else, though, and Kaidan was determined to answer any questions he had openly and honestly.  He hadn't been hiding anything, and he was going to make sure Shepard knew it. 

“You’ve been on the road that long?” Shepard asked with a surprised look.  Something in Kaidan’s expression made him frown again, this time in confusion.  “That’s not what you’re running from, is it?” 

Kaidan shook his head.  “I was in the hospital for a while.” He reached up and brushed a thumb over the scars on his mouth, and unconsciously rolled his shoulder at the ghost of old pain.  “In addition to the knife wound, I wrenched my shoulder pretty badly in the fight, and I was laid up for a bit.  My doctor was free with the pain killers.” 

A particularly rough patch on the road had Kaidan bracing himself in the truck, and he found himself laughing slightly once they were past it.  “You know, I’ve talked this out with a therapist more than once, but I think this is the strangest way to have this conversation.” 

Shepard chuckled.  “And we’re not even to the fun part yet,” he said.  “So you might as well take the rest of the time it takes to get there to spill the rest of your story.  You became addicted to the drugs, didn’t you?” 

That last was asked casually, as if the answer really didn’t matter to him.  Kaidan smiled bitterly.  “You make it sound so simple.” 

“Isn’t it?” Shepard asked, casting a glance at Kaidan.   “You were in pain because of your injuries, you were hurting because your marriage was on the rocks, and you strike me as the guilty conscious type.  Why wouldn’t you want to numb all that?” 

“I am not the guil-” Kaidan cut his protest off.  “Ok, yeah, maybe I am.  I killed a man, Shepard.” 

“Matt.” 

Kaidan looked at him blankly, not understanding. 

“Call me Matt,” Shepard turned a lopsided grin on him.  “I’d say we’re definitely on a first name basis now.” 

“No one else calls you Matt,” Kaidan pointed out.  “Why?”

“Because it was a popular name the year I was born, apparently,” Shepard answered with a shrug.  “In middle school there were four of us in one class, and we started using our last names to avoid confusion.  It just stuck.” 

“I kinda like it,” Kaidan teased.  “Shepard sounds heroic.” 

Shepard laughed, but there was an undercurrent of bitterness.  “I am anything but,” he said in a low voice.  Kaidan wanted to argue that point, but Shepard spoke before he could.  “You can still call me Shepard if you want, though.  Honestly, if you call me Matt in front of anyone else, they’ll probably wonder who you’re talking to.” 

Kaidan smiled.  “I like ‘Matt’, too.” He was rewarded with a warm smile. 

“So you got hooked on the pills,” Shepard went back to the original subject.  “That’s why you freaked out when I offered you pain killers, isn’t it?” 

Kaidan took a deep breath, and finished the story.  There wasn’t really much more to tell.  “About six months ago I overdosed, and I woke up in the hospital.”  He wasn’t going to tell Shepard that he was upset he’d woken up at all.  He wasn’t quite ready to admit that to anyone.  “Once I got out, I was clean, but… I needed to get away for a while.  I got on my bike and I’ve been driving around ever since.” 

Shepard didn’t say anything.  Kaidan had been sure talking about the overdose would raise more questions.  But Shepard merely looked thoughtful.  Even so, Kaidan braced himself for the questions, still determined to be honest.  He was surprised to find the silence didn’t feel tense.  It felt good to get the story out there.  He’d talked and talked and talked about it for months with different therapists, but it had always seemed to increase his stress before.  Was it Shepard?  Or was it the distance he’d put between himself and the life that had fallen apart around him?  Whatever it was, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so relaxed. 

“We’re almost there,” Shepard said.  He flashed a grin at Kaidan.  “This is the fun part.” 


	20. Chapter 20

By the time they were parked on flat ground again, Shepard was sure Kaidan would never forgive him.

“I never thought I was the kind to be afraid of heights,” Kaidan said as he came around the side of the truck to join Shepard.  “But something about climbing the side of a mountain in a truck is terrifying as hell.”

Shepard laughed and nudged Kaidan with his shoulder.  “We were perfectly safe,” he said cheerfully.  “I come up here all the time.  And besides, the view is worth it.”  He nodded in the direction they’d come.  

Kaidan gave him a sideways skeptical glance.  

They had gotten out of the truck as soon as Shepard had parked the it and turned the engine off, and they were standing in a small open area surrounded by trees.  The valley stretched out below them, mostly dark with a scattering of small towns lighting up small areas.  The closest cluster of lights was Citadel.  As Shepard looked out over the valley peace closed over him.  He looked up at the sky which was so full of stars that it didn’t even feel dark even though the moon was only a quarter full that night.  

“Well," Kaidan’s tone was amused despite the look he’d given Shepard a few moments ago.  "It is definitely beautiful.  I think I'll reserve judgment on whether it was worth it until we make it back down alive."  He tilted his head back and looked at the stars.  "I don't think I've ever seen so many stars," he murmured.  

A cool breeze swept past them and Shepard shivered.  Or was it the quiet gravel in Kaidan's voice?  "Even down in the valley they're not quite so clear.  Up here there's less pollution and ozone between us and the sky."

Kaidan spoke without taking his eyes away from the stars.  "And you come up here a lot?"

Shepard shrugged.  "I like the quiet up here."  Whenever his nightmares were at their worst.  When all he could hear were screams and explosions in any noise, even the slight buzz of electricity flowing unnoticed by anyone else through the buildings and power lines in town.  Only up here was the quiet finally loud enough to drown out the noise in his brain.  

The trees behind them rustled in the wind, and Shepard grinned.  He had something else he wanted to show Kaidan.  "Come on," he said.  "There's more."

He went to the back of his truck and pulled out a duffel bag.  He opened a front pocket and pulled out a flashlight, but didn't turn it on yet.  His night vision had always been good and the quarter moon gave him more than enough light for now.  Swinging the straps of the bag over his shoulder, he motioned for Kaidan to follow him as he made his way through the trees.

Kaidan did so without question, and Shepard was fully aware of how much trust the man was giving him.  He had tried to bring a girlfriend up here once, back when he was a teen, and she'd teased him the whole drive up about hoping he wasn't a serial killer.  Her tone had been light, but edged with nerves.  They'd stopped halfway up, at another clearing, and he'd never showed her what he was about to show Kaidan.

Other people from Citadel knew about the place of course, but not many of them were willing to make the drive.  Even Jack, who was known for being somewhat crazy, didn't feel comfortable coming up here.  He wasn't about to mention that to Kaidan though. 

As they walked, he considered the things Kaidan had told him.  From the way his voice had gone flat in certain parts of the story, Shepard was sure it was something that he'd talked about more than he wanted to, probably in therapy.  He'd done the same thing himself when he'd shared things with Doctor Chakwas during their sessions.  When talking about something that hurt, you had to pretend it didn't or you'd break down.  

It bothered him a little bit that Kaidan had been married, although he could admit to himself that he was being ridiculous about that.  At twenty-nine, Shepard could very well have been married himself.  He knew Kaidan was his age or a little older so it was unrealistic to think that he wouldn't have had some serious relationships under his belt.  Still, the idea that Kaidan might have dated didn't bother Shepard so much as the fact that he had been married.

He made an effort to ignore the niggling of insecurity he felt when he thought of Kaidan's ex-wife.  He tried not to think about her at all, because he got angry when he thought of what kind of person would fall out of love with their spouse because they were afraid or disgusted by violence.  Shepard had a hard time believing Kaidan would have attacked the mugger on his own.  He was way too level-headed for something like that, Shepard was sure.

It was hard not to think about those things, so he was glad when they reached the place he'd wanted to show Kaidan.  

The hike had only taken about fifteen minutes.  Trees opened up in front of them into another clearing, but this one was nestled between two soaring rock walls.  Water ran down the rock, splashing noisily in the pool below.

"Wow," Kaidan said softly when he came out of the trees behind Shepard and surveyed the area.  

"Do you think the drive was worth it yet?" Shepard asked as he dropped the duffel bag on a large rock near the water.

Kaidan shot him another sideways glance, but he was smiling.  "That's runoff water.  It has to be freezing."

"Actually, it's one of several hot springs," Shepard explained.  "There's one at the edge of this pool too."

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked.  "How is this place not packed with people?"  Suddenly he gave Shepard a suspicious half-glare.  "It's because of how hard it is to drive up here, isn't it?"

Shepard just laughed and pulled his shirt off, tossing it next to the duffel bag as he toed off his boots.  "There's a reason James calls me 'Loco'."  His hands hovered over the fly of his pants uncertainly.  

Kaidan's eyes dropped to his hands, and stayed there for a moment before rising slowly to meet Shepard's questioning look.  A smile bloomed over his face, and he started tugging his own shirt free.  "It would be a shame to suffer through that drive and not take advantage of this place."

Waiting with bated breath, Shepard watched eagerly as Kaidan disrobed.  

 

\----

 

Kaidan didn't hesitate when he reached for the buttons on his own jeans.  He had already made a decision about Shepard when he'd talked to Liara.  The buttons came loose easily, and he met Shepard's gaze as he hooked his thumbs under the waistband of his jeans and his underwear and slipped them down over his hips.

Eyes that looked black in the darkness swept over Kaidan hungrily.  Shepard seemed to be frozen, forgetting that he was still half clothed.  Kaidan felt himself harden slightly under that eager gaze, but he made no move to hide the evidence.  

Finally, Shepard's eyes came up to his and he smiled.  Kaidan knew then, that despite the truth bombs that had been dropped that night, their relationship was going to move to the next level.

Shepard’s fingers began to move, and he quickly finished undressing as well.  He also waited for Kaidan to look at him.  Kaidan took full advantage of the pause, looking his fill.  In the moonlight he saw faint marks along Shepard's right side, but it was dark enough that he couldn't tell the extent of the scars.  There were thin black swirling lines over Shepard's left hip, curling up over his lower stomach, with two points coming up to circle his navel.  Matching lines curled over Shepard's right shoulder, and down over his pectoral muscle to circle around the nipple.  His dog-tags glinted silver in the dim light with every breath he took.

"Nice ink," Kaidan whispered.  He tore his eyes away from Shepard's body and looked up to see Shepard watching him intently.  

"Thanks," Shepard said simply.  His eyes were exploring as well, and by the look on his face, he liked what he saw.  His expression hardened slightly when his eyes landed on the scar  across Kaidan's abdomen, but he didn't comment.

Taking several steps forward to close the space between them, Kaidan reached out and touched the lines on Shepard's shoulder.  They were delicate, almost like leafless vines.  The other man sucked in an involuntary breath, but didn't otherwise move as Kaidan's fingers explored.  "Do they mean anything?" he asked.

"No," Shepard said softly.  "The flowers on my forearms are for my parents, but the rest is just art."

Kaidan glanced up at Shepard again.  Flowers for his parents?  Kaidan’s curiosity was piqued, but standing naked on a mountain was not really the best time to talk about family.  

A breeze brushed over them again, and Kaidan's whole body shivered.  Shepard noticed and reached up to catch Kaidan's exploring fingers.  "Come on." His voice was low and husky.  He turned and led Kaidan carefully over a path of flat rocks down to the water's edge.  "This isn't very deep, but there's a rock here to step down..."

Kaidan let himself be pulled into the water.  It was just slightly above lukewarm, but as Shepard led him further across the pool and they got closer to the source of the heat it began to warm.  The bottom of the pool was covered with more flat stones, and he wondered for a moment if someone had put them there on purpose.  

They didn't stop until they were hip deep in the water, near the waterfall.  There was a ledge against the side of his leg, high enough that if he sat on it the water would probably come up to his chest.  

Shepard turned to face him, but didn't let go of his hand.  They were standing very close together, making Kaidan even more aware of the fact that he had to look up at Shepard.  He wasn't that much taller, but those few inches made a difference right now.  Shepard wasn’t exactly looming over him.  That term indicated some kind of threat, and while the expression on Shepard’s face made Kaidan feel a little bit like he was being hunted, it definitely wasn’t a dangerous feeling.  There was something comforting in the way Shepard seemed to surround him.

Especially when his arms came up to pull Kaidan closer.  One large hand settled at the base of Kaidan’s spine, and the other traced a slow path up his side under his arm.  Shepard’s hands were warmer than the water, almost hot, and rough with calluses, but his touch was gentle.  Goosebumps followed his fingers and Kaidan shivered.  

“I didn’t bring you up here to seduce you,” Shepard’s voice was a low rumble that sent more goosebumps racing over Kaidan’s skin.  His head lowered, and even in the dark Kaidan could see Shepard’s eyes drop to his lips quickly before coming back up to stare into him.  “And I’m not a one night stand kind of guy, but…”

“I don’t take these things lightly either,” Kaidan brought his own hands up to rest on Shepard’s hips.  He was vaguely aware of a raised scar under his thumb and he rubbed it gently.  “But I’m here, and I’m willing to stick around for a while.”  He grinned suddenly.  “Plus, I’m naked and that may be because I’m hoping for some seduction.”

A smile spread over Shepard’s face.  “Well, then,” he said just before he lowered his mouth over Kaidan’s.  

Kaidan opened his mouth under the kiss, and moaned when the silky tip of Shepard’s tongue traced his top lip before retreating.  Unwilling to let him escape, Kaidan followed with his own tongue.  Shepard still tasted like the beer he’d been drinking earlier.  He moaned, and took charge of the kiss, jerking Shepard’s body into his own.  One hand came up and he splayed his hands over the scars along the right side of Shepard’s face.

He realized his mistake almost as soon as he felt the ridged skin under his fingers.  Shepard flinched back, breaking the kiss.  “No-”

Kaidan didn’t let him pull away, but he did drop his hand to cup around the back of his neck instead.  “I’m sorry,” he said quickly.  “I didn’t mean to- Do they hurt?”

Shepard had gone board stiff, but he wasn’t trying to pull away.  “No.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, warming Kaidan’s skin where it touched him.  “I just… I know they’re ugly and I don’t-”

“Hey.  Whoa.” Kaidan tightened his fingers on the back of Shepard’s neck.  He felt the same scar that he’d touched when they’d kissed at the bar.  He brushed his thumb over it, feeling the different textures of the skin.  “I don’t think that.”

Shepard had turned his head, and he was looking down over Kaidan’s shoulder.  The moon had moved enough that his face was completely in shadow.  He chuckled, and Kaidan heard the bitterness behind the sound.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to kill the mood,” he said.  “I never thought I was vain, until…”

“I think you’re hot,” Kaidan teased.  Taking a chance, he brought his hand up to Shepard’s face again, nudging him around with a thumb against ridged skin, back into the moonlight, until their eyes met again.  “I’ll prove it to you.”

Shepard lifted an eyebrow broken by a scar.  It was all the invitation Kaidan needed.  He pulled the other man down into a hard kiss, invading his mouth to taste him again.  His arm went around Shepard’s waist, dragging the length of his body against himself, trapping the evidence of their mutual arousal between their bellies.  

While they kissed, and gasped into each other, Kaidan brushed his thumb back and forth over Shepard’s scars.  He began to flex his hips, rolling them into the other man, groaning at the friction.  He could feel Shepard leaning into him, heard him whimper under his mouth.  The sound spurred him on.  


	21. Chapter 21

Somewhere during the kiss Shepard vaguely realized that Kaidan had taken over.  He whimpered and leaned further into him, surrendering to the other man completely.  

Kaidan growled, and the arm he’d wrapped around Shepard’s waist slid down.  Strong fingers grabbed his ass and squeezed.  Shepard threw his head back on his shoulders and made a small noise in the back of his throat.  The heat of Kaidan’s mouth went to his neck and he made the noise again.  “God, Kaidan,” he gasped.

“I want you, Matt,” Kaidan said against his skin.  His teeth scraped against Shepard’s pulse.  “Since the first time I saw you.”

The feeling was mutual, but Shepard barely had the breath to speak.  Hearing his name had a strange effect on him as well.  Somehow it seemed more intimate.  Kaidan’s hand had slipped down further, delving between his thighs.  Strong fingers spread him open to the water, which felt cool against his hot skin.  He tilted his hips back in an invitation, groaning as the motion caused his hard dick to slide through the thin layer of hair on Kaidan’s stomach.  It felt so good that he tilted his hips forward and back in a slow roll so he could experience it again.

The hand Kaidan had used to stroke Shepard’s scarred cheek dropped to join his other hand.  He kneaded Shepard’s ass under the water, encouraging and guiding the thrusting motions.  Shepard twisted until their hard lengths were rubbing together, then dipped his head down until he could catch Kaidan’s mouth again.  His lips were soft, and somewhere in the back of his mind Shepard realized he couldn’t feel the scar that always drew his attention.  

He adored that scar on Kaidan’s mouth.  He’d always wanted to touch it, to see if it felt different than the skin around it.  Now he had his answer.  Had Kaidan wondered about his scars too?  He’d touched them now, and not just the ones on his face.  Kaidan’s thumb had traced the scar on his hip, and the one on the back of his neck.  There’d been no revulsion on Kaidan’s face, only desire.

That realization cracked something open inside him.  He started to pull out of the kiss so that he could look at Kaidan, but a finger pressed against his opening, and his whole body jerked in response.  His mind went blank, and all he could think about was Kaidan’s hands.

Kaidan was looking up at him with a wicked smile.  “You like that, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yes,” Shepard whispered.  ‘Like’ wasn’t accurate enough.  “Fuck, yes.”

Kaidan chuckled, and it matched the smile on his face.  “Is that a request?”

The tip of Kaidan’s finger nudged inside of him, and Shepard forgot he’d been asked a question.  He pushed his hips back and whined low in his throat.

“It is,” Kaidan said in awe.  “You want me to fuck you, don’t you?”

He was probably supposed to answer that.  Shepard nodded and pushed his hips back again.

“I want to,” Kaidan said.  He kissed Shepard’s jaw, the scarred side.  “God, I want to fuck you so bad.  But we don’t have lube or condoms.”

“Son of a bitch, I knew I forgot something,” Shepard laughed in frustration.  “Told you I wasn’t planning this.”

“Next time,” Kaidan promised.  He pulled back slightly, and Shepard moaned when his hands stopped what they were doing and moved to grab his hips again.  He turned and sat down on the rock, looking up at Shepard with a smile.  “Come here.”

Shepard allowed himself to be pulled down until he was straddling Kaidan’s thighs.  He gasped as something hard brushed against his inner thighs.  Gingerly he settled himself on Kaidan’s lap, shifting until his knees were as comfortable as possible on the rock.  

Kaidan was eyeing him appreciatively, and his hands began tracing a path up and down Shepard’s thighs, over his hips to squeeze his ass, then back to his knees.  “You feel good,” Kaidan rasped.  His hands slid back up and this time a strong hand slipped between them to wrap around Shepard’s dick.

A groan escaped Shepard and he rolled his hips into the touch.  The water didn’t quite give the right kind of lubrication, but Shepard was slightly beyond caring.  “Kaidan…”

“Does that feel good?” Kaidan asked.  

His fingers squeezed and Shepard nodded.  He wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders and leaned into him for another kiss.  His hips rolled into every stroke of Kaidan’s fingers.  His own fingers tangled in the hair at the back of Kaidan’s neck, gripping tightly.

Kaidan’s thumb rubbed roughly over the head of Shepard’s dick, once, twice, and then he was coming, crying out against Kaidan’s lips, trying to press himself even closer to the other man, even though it was barely possible.

When his body stopped spasming, he was spread over Kaidan’s chest, breathing as if he’d run up the mountain.  Kaidan’s free hand was tracing a line up and down his spine.  “Huh,” Shepard said into the crook of Kaidan’s shoulder.  “I was not expecting that to be so…”

“Yeah,” Kaidan’s voice was low and husky.  He took a deep breath and his hard length nudged against Shepard’s stomach, reminding him that he’d been the only one receiving any pleasure.  

Shepard sat up straight and looked down between them.  Kaidan still held Shepard’s dick loosely, fingers flexing and stroking.  “Let me take care of you now.” He leaned down and kissed Kaidan softly, reaching between them to stroke Kaidan the way Kaidan was still stroking him.  The moan he received was all the encouragement he needed.

Leaning back again, Shepard watched Kaidan’s face.  He was beautiful.  His eyes looked black, but Shepard could easily imagine their dark honey color.  His thick eyebrows were bunched together in concentration right now, and he was biting his bottom lip.  Shepard held his gaze while he stroked.  He wanted to see every expression.

Kaidan was thick and hard in Shepard’s hand.  He explored everything he could reach, sliding his fingers down to cup the tight bulge below before sliding his fingers up to jack Kaidan off with long even strokes.

“Matt,” Kaidan said hoarsely after a while.  He gasped, closed his eyes, and opened them again to look at Shepard.  “Matt, I’m going to…”

“Yes,” Shepard murmured.  He picked up the pace, squeezing at the head, twisting his wrist.  “I want to see you come apart for me.”

Kaidan’s chest expanded suddenly on a gasp and his head fell back against the bank behind him.  His hands scrabbled against Shepard’s thighs, then gripped tight as he came.  

Shepard slowed his strokes, lightened his touch, but didn’t stop until Kaidan squirmed.  Dark eyes opened and looked up at him, and they smiled at each other.

 

\----

 

Kaidan felt like his muscles relax.  “Wow,” he murmured.  And then again because he felt it needed emphasis.  “Wow.”

Above him Shepard was grinning widely.  “That about sums things up for me, too.”  He shifted, wincing.  “We’re going to have matching limps, though.”

Kaidan lifted a brow.  “But we didn’t do _that_.”

Shepard laughed, and lifted himself off Kaidan’s lap.  He winced again once he was on his feet, and then slipped down into the water to sit on the stone next to Kaidan.  “No, it’s my knee.  Old injury.”  To Kaidan’s surprise, Shepard shifted until he could rest his cheek on Kaidan’s shoulder.  

Kaidan tilted his head until his cheek pressed against Shepard’s hair.  He could smell just a hint of the tangy soap Shepard used.  “What happened?”

Shepard was silent for so long that Kaidan didn’t think he’d get an answer to his question.  When he did finally speak, it was in a low voice devoid of inflection.  “It’s the injury that got me sent home from the army,” he said.

Kaidan kept his voice light.  “After all the dirt everyone wanted to tell me about you at the bar, you’d have thought someone would have mentioned that.”

“It’s not something I like to talk about.”

The fact that he still didn’t want to talk about it was pretty clear to Kaidan by his tone.  It hurt a little bit that Shepard was still holding back when he knew Kaidan’s dark secrets now, but he pushed that feeling down.  It had been difficult talking about Rahna and the drugs, and he half wished he could go back and undo that conversation.  Not because he was ashamed that Shepard knew about his past, but because having it out in the open was making Kaidan think about it.  That was the part he didn’t like, although he was fully aware it was about time he stopped avoiding the problem and started dealing with it.

He wasn't going to push Shepard into telling him more, though.  After spending more time with him, Kaidan was even more sure he was suffering from PTSD, and that was not something to be taken lightly.  Being a cop could be a hard life, but Kaidan had been lucky.  He'd avoided most of the more unpleasant experiences.  He was no stranger to death and crime, but as a detective, he was usually only exposed to the aftermath.  If Shepard had been scarred while he was deployed, then he'd obviously seen some things that Kaidan didn't even want to try and imagine.

He shifted and took one of Shepard's hands in his, and laced their fingers together.  "You don't have to." He knew he'd said the right thing when he felt the tension leave Shepard's body.

They sat in silence for several minutes before Shepard sat up straight and grinned at Kaidan mischievously.  "Do you swim?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" Kaidan scoffed.  "I learned to swim in the ocean."

"Then let's get in the deep end." Shepard stood and with a hop, splashed into the water.  He swiped his foot in Kaidan's direction, sending a wave of water over him.

Not one to be cowed by a splash, Kaidan laughed and followed Shepard deeper into the water.  At its deepest the pool still only came up to his chest, but there was plenty of room for them to goof around.  A short water fight was followed by a little bit of underwater wrestling,  and more laughter which eventually faded when their mouths came together again.  That led to more than just kissing, and this time they stroked each other to completion slowly, savoring each moment like it might be the last, one coming right after the other, with no one to hear their moans and cries of pleasure except each other.

Afterwards, they floated on their backs in the water in silence for a little while, before Shepard suggested they go back to the truck.  After the warmth of the water, the breezes still brushing through the trees had them both shivering, so they dressed fully.  The duffel bag Shepard had brought contained a couple of towels along with two pairs of swim trunks, which had Kaidan laughing and eying the other man suspiciously.  "You really didn't plan on seducing me, did you?"

Shepard gave him a sheepish smile.  "I planned on telling you about those, but then I had the overwhelming desire to see you naked, so..."

"Wearing these probably wouldn't have stopped anything," Kaidan said with a wink as he refolded the swim trunks and put them back in the bag along with the damp towel he'd used.  

This time, he carried the bag as Shepard led him back to the truck.  The moon had passed behind the mountain at this point and it was pitch black under the trees, so Shepard finally pulled out the flashlight he'd brought.  The path was only wide enough for one, so he held his hand out behind him, and Kaidan took it.

He trusted Shepard to lead him down the path.  Kaidan smiled at the symbolism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY, WHAT??
> 
> It's Iamjupiterjames' birthday. Couldn't let her end the day without the gift of smut :D


	22. Chapter 22

Once they were back in the clearing and it was possible to see exactly how far up the mountain they'd come, Kaidan stopped and frowned.  "Are you sure you want to go back down in the dark?"

Shepard took the duffel from him, and tossed it in the back of the truck.  "It's no problem, I've done it plenty of times," he said.  He must have caught the worry in Kaidan's expression because he hesitated.  "If you don't mind a bit of a camp-out we can wait until morning.  We could sleep in the back of the truck."

Kaidan blinked.  Had he ever been on a camp-out with anyone besides his dad?  Not even as a kid, he realized.  And never far from the cabin his family stayed in when they visited the orchard.  They'd set up a tent and a campfire and spend the night outside, but this was different.  No fire, no tent.  Just the hard bed of a truck that didn't even have the shell on the back, so they'd be sleeping under the stars.  It didn't sound comfortable at all.  

But he was honestly nervous about Shepard taking them back down in the dark.  And it would be an opportunity to sleep with Shepard, which Kaidan decided he was looking forward to, despite the fact that his back would probably be sore the next morning.  "Yeah.  Let's stay up here tonight."

Shepard grinned and beckoned him closer.  He pulled a box out of the back of the truck and set it on the ground.  When he opened it, he took out two bundles.  One of them turned out to be an egg-crate foam pad that Shepard unrolled into the truck bed.  The other bundle consisted of a large blanket and a thick pillow.  

"You're prepared for everything, aren't you?" Kaidan chuckled and shook his head ruefully.  "Were you a boyscout?"

"Yes, actually," Shepard replied with a wry grin.  "King of the Boy Scouts, according to Jack.  I've got a few protein bars and some bottled water in here too.  I always keep the truck stocked up in case of emergencies."

Mention of food reminded Kaidan that he hadn't eaten for quite a while.  His stomach grumbled loudly.

Shepard heard and tossed him a protein bar.  Then he grabbed a bottle of water, and climbed up into the back of the truck where he began to remove his shoes.  "Leave your shoes on the tailgate when you take them off," Shepard advised when Kaidan moved to join him.  "Less chance of finding them full of unwanted guests in the morning."

Kaidan nodded and climbed up beside him.  Once he was barefoot, he pulled open the wrapper on the protein bar and started munching at it.  He accepted gratefully when Shepard offered him a drink from his water bottle.  "You know," he said conversationally, once he'd swallowed his second bite and washed it down.  "It's not quite the same as one of James' steak sandwiches, but I gotta say this is one of the best meals I've had in a while."

Shepard snorted.  "Those protein bars taste like cardboard coated in bad chocolate."

That pulled a bark of laughter from Kaidan, because it was completely true.  He gestured around them with the half-eaten bar.  "Yeah.  But maybe I like the location.  And the company is fantastic."  He smiled at Shepard before taking another bite out of the protein bar, and received a slow grin in response.

Once finished with the snack, they settled back in the truck bed.  To Kaidan's surprise, Shepard gave him the pillow and then snuggled close to him.  It felt strange having someone's head pillowed on his shoulder again after so long, and he found himself cataloguing all the things that were different.  Rahna's hair had been long, and would sometimes tickle him in his sleep, or wrap around his arm.  Shepard's hair was short, growing out of a buzzcut, and his beard stubble prickled on Kaidan's skin.  The weight of Shepard's arm across Kaidan's chest was heavier, and his body was hot - a fact Kaidan appreciated in the rapidly cooling night air.  

Some things were the same, too.  He could feel Shepard’s breath on his chest.  He was tracing random patterns on Shepard’s back the way he’d done with Rahna.  Different patterns, but a motion he couldn’t seem to help.  And a sense of contentment filled him, making him want to pull Shepard closer.

"It was a bomb."

Kaidan had been watching the stars through heavily lidded eyes, slipping closer to sleep when Shepard whispered those words.  It took him a moment to realized what he was talking about.  "You mean, that's what hurt your knee?"

Shepard was quiet for a long time, but there was a tenseness in his body that made Kaidan keep silent and wait for him to speak.  When Shepard broke the silence, his voice was so low Kaidan had to strain his ears to listen.  "My knee.  The scars all over my....  It should have killed me... It got everyone else."

Kaidan wanted to ask questions.  He wanted to _know_.  But Shepard's voice had a skittish quality to it so Kaidan didn’t press.  He couldn’t just stay silent, though.  “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t immediate for all of them,” Shepard said after a moment.  “There was someone else that survived the blast.  He had shrapnel in his- I tried to stop the bleeding, but it was happening too fast… and-”  He stopped to take a shuddering breath.  “He didn’t make it.”

“What was his name?” Kaidan asked carefully.  His mind was speeding through imagined scenes, none of them pleasant.

Shepard lifted his head to look at Kaidan.  His face was too shadowed for Kaidan to make out his expression, but his voice was surprised.  

Had no one asked him that before?  

Shepard’s voice broke slightly when he answered.  “David Anderson.”

“Were you close?” Kaidan worried for a moment that he was pushing, but the question was already out there.

 

\----

 

“He was my commanding officer, actually," Shepard answered.  "He was a tough son of a bitch, and he expected the same out of all of us.  But he was also the kind of guy that you wanted to do your best for.  His respect meant a lot to me."  He paused and took a deep breath.  "He kinda reminded me of my dad."

He wasn't shaking.  Somehow, he'd spoken about his squad, and the bomb, and... and Anderson without going cold.  His fingers tingled slightly, and he could feel a twisting in the pit of his stomach that made him need to swallow several times to get the nausea to recede, but there was no shaking and his voice had been steady.  Mostly.  Usually just thinking about that day was enough to send him into a panic attack, but even though the anxiety was crawling under his skin, he was in control of himself.  

It was the first time he could remember having an actual conversation about it.  Jack never asked him anything, of course.  When he'd come home, he'd briefly explained what had happened.  Very briefly.  She knew that he'd been injured in a bombing, and that he was the only survivor.  She'd taken one look at him and immediately gone straight for the tough love act, and he'd appreciated it.  Jack's gruff bitchiness was a bit over the top, even for her, but it had been what he'd needed to snap him out of his funk at the time.

The rest of his friends and acquaintances in Citadel gave him wary looks but no one ever asked him anything.  Well, Doc Mordin had asked, but he hadn't pushed when Shepard told him he didn't want to talk about it.  Mordin had given him a piercing look, for once not talking at the speed of light.  It was hard not to squirm like a child under that look, but thankfully Mordin hadn't pursued the subject other than to mention that he knew some very good therapists if Shepard felt the need to talk to one.  

Shepard had already had some therapy sessions at that point, including EMDR treatments, and they hadn’t seemed to help at all.  He knew self diagnosis was stupid, but he'd felt like he really just needed time.  Well, he'd had time now.  His injuries were healed, and he'd slipped back into the rhythm of Citadel life.  Slowly the nightmares and panic attacks had started growing fewer.  He could go weeks without picturing their faces, or hearing their screams.  

Now he thought of that day deliberately.  It hurt, God, but did it hurt.  But he wasn’t pulled into the memory this time.  The images in his mind were not as clear as they usually were.  It didn’t feel like he was still there.  

He felt... normal.  He was lying in the back of his truck like he'd done countless times.  Being in Kaidan's arms was new, but good.  The man was warm and solid, and his heart beat steadily under Shepard's ear.  He hadn't said a word since Shepard had trailed off earlier, but his fingers still drew patterns on Shepard's back and his breathing indicated that he was still awake.  No questions, but Shepard sensed that Kaidan was paying close attention to him in case he wanted to speak about it more.

"Thank you," Shepard said softly.

"What for?" Kaidan asked.

"For sticking around for a while," Shepard elaborated.  "And for putting up with my friends, and letting me drive you up here..."

The hand that had been tracing circles on Shepard's back stilled.  Kaidan shifted, until they were lying face to face, with Shepard's head pillowed on his bicep.  His face was completely in shadow. "No need to thank me," Kaidan whispered.  His breath was warm when it brushed over Shepard's skin.  "I'm glad to be here.  With you."

The words sent Shepard's heart pounding.  Tilting his head forward, he caught Kaidan's lips in a kiss.  He missed, catching him on the chin at first, but after a slight adjustment their lips met.  The kiss turned into many small kisses, the soft romantic kind that ended quickly, but were immediately followed by more.  The kind that were full of need, but never quite tipped over into anything more than another meeting of lips, and a tightening of arms around each other.

Eventually, instead of their lips coming together, their foreheads touched and they just breathed each other in.  Kaidan smelled like the water, clean and fresh, but also with a hint of warm skin.  Shepard didn't want the moment to end, but there was a question burning inside of him.  "Where do we go from here?"

"Well," Kaidan took a deep breath, filling his lungs until their chests and stomachs pressed even closer, then letting it out in a long sigh that warmed Shepard's skin.  His voice was thoughtful when he continued.  "I think sleep would be a good idea at this point.  Then a trip down the mountain in the morning."  He paused.  "Not sure I'm looking forward to that part, to be honest."

Shepard rolled his eyes.  "Big baby," he muttered.  "And that's not what I meant.  I mean us.  Where do we go from here?"   _How long will you stay in Citadel?  How long until you decide the small town life isn't the life for you and you leave?_ But he didn't ask those questions.  

"That depends," Kaidan sounded hesitant.  "I've gotta be honest here, Matt.  I like you, and I feel like we have a connection.  I'd like to stick around longer, and see what happens."

Shepard let out a breath.  "I'd like that too."

"Then it's settled," Kaidan said.  "I'll need to work out some logistics, but sleep first?  It can't be too long until morning."

Kaidan _did_ sound tired, now that he paid attention.  Shepard still felt wound up, but insomnia was something he'd been living with for a while.  Kaidan was going to learn that about him soon enough, and Shepard would need to learn to deal with it while having another person in his life.  He was looking forward to it.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed.  "Sleep first."

They settled back in the position they'd started in, with Kaidan on his back and Shepard curled into his side.  Kaidan’s heart thudded a steady beat under Shepard’s ear, and his chest rose gently on each breath, lulling Shepard as it slowed and evened out with sleep.  Shepard felt his own lids begin to droop, and he slipped into sleep as well. 


	23. Chapter 23

Sunlight peeking over the edge of the truck bed woke Shepard.  Having bright light pierce through his eyelids was startling and painful enough that it took him a moment to realize where he was.  His body jerked upright, and then his arm came up to shield himself from the sun. 

Next to him, Kaidan groaned and stretched.  "Morning already?" he mumbled.  Then he opened his eyes and got a good look at Shepard.  Concern flashed over his features and he sat up.  "Hey, are you alright?" 

Shepard realized he was breathing hard, and he forced himself to take several deep breaths to calm his heartbeat down.  "Yeah," he said when he was able to speak.  "Just... sometimes waking up is hard." 

He expected pity, but what he got instead was an understanding nod.  Then Kaidan grinned at him suggestively.  "Waking up hard is much more fun when you wake up next to someone," he said huskily.   

That shocked a laugh out of Shepard.  He dropped the arm shielding his eyes and leaned over Kaidan until the man laid back down.  He straddled Kaidan's hips, and felt a thrill when his scarred lips opened on a gasp.  Shepard could feel that Kaidan was hard under the denim that separated them.  "You have a point there," Shepard captured Kaidan's mouth with his own.  It didn't take very long before the rapid beat of his heart was caused by something altogether more pleasant. 

Kaidan's hands gripped Shepard's thighs and tugged at him until they were rubbing together.  The man was aggressive, and Shepard was thrilled by that.  He'd never really thought of himself as submissive, but the strength in Kaidan's hands made him crave more.  He wanted to be overwhelmed, and overwrought, and he suspected Kaidan would give him that.  And he was completely willing to get down on his knees and beg for it if that's what it took. 

At the moment though, he still had plenty of adrenaline rushing through him, and he needed to get a little aggression of his own worked out.  He sat up, grinning when Kaidan growled at him in protest.  When he tried to move, Kaidan's hands tightened, holding him in place.  Shepard grabbed his wrists, exerting just enough pressure to free himself, but still smiling to show that he didn't mind the rough touch.  He shimmied down until he could access the fly of Kaidan's jeans.  Making quick work of the buttons, he pulled the cloth down until the hard flesh he was after was exposed to the morning sunlight. 

Kaidan looked down at himself, his flesh hard and eager in the golden light of the sunrise, and then back up at Shepard.  One black brow went up.  “Well, now what are you going to do with it?” 

The question was a challenge, one Shepard had every intention of accepting.  He answered it by leaning down and sliding his tongue from Kaidan’s base to tip, maintaining eye contact the whole time.  The groan he received made him smile. 

“Again,” Kaidan ordered. 

The commanding tone sent goosebumps racing over Shepard’s skin.  He obeyed, but this time when he reached the head he took it between his lips and sucked gently, once, before releasing it.

“Dammit, Matt.”  Kaidan’s voice was rough and lower pitched than normal.  “Are you just going to tease me?” 

Wrapping his fingers around Kaidan’s hard length, Shepard brushed his lips over the head.  When Kaidan lifted his hips, Shepard backed up, refusing to give him entrance to his mouth.   

Kaidan went still when he realized Shepard _was_ just going to tease him.  He dropped his head back on the pillow and whimpered. 

That was what Shepard had been waiting for.  He swirled his tongue around the head of Kaidan’s dick and then took it into his mouth, sucking softly as he stroked the shaft with his hand.  Closing his eyes, he savored the taste on his tongue.  Each soft sound that slipped from Kaidan's lips was accompanied by the soft jingle of Shepard's dog-tags as they bounced against Kaidan's inner thigh.

Kaidan’s hand came up to cup around the back of Shepard’s neck.  He didn’t exert any pressure, but his thumb brushed the scar at the bottom of Shepard’s hairline.  The caress was gentle and innocuous, but it sent jolts of pleasure down his spine.  Kaidan’s thumb went still when Shepard dipped down, taking more into his mouth. 

Working slowly, Shepard eventually worked his way down until he was taking Kaidan almost into his throat.  He breathed slowly through his nose, taking in Kaidan’s scent.  Each stroke was a little deeper than the last.  Kaidan was of average length, but he was thick and Shepard felt his jaw muscles straining slightly, but he didn’t stop until the tip of his nose pressed into Kaidan’s skin. 

“Oh fuck, yes,” Kaidan hissed.  His hand tightened briefly on the back of Shepard’s neck. 

Shepard’s gag reflex finally kicked in, and he had to pull back and release Kaidan completely.  He coughed slightly, and then grinned as he met Kaidan’s eyes.  “Sorry.  It’s been a while.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Kaidan’s laugh was half strangled.  “You’re killing me here.” 

“Oh yeah?” Shepard asked.  He had taken Kaidan in his hand again and was stroking him slowly.  “Does that mean you want me to keep going?” 

Kaidan lifted his head off the pillow and pinned Shepard with a hot look.  “Hell yes, I want you to keep going.” 

Shepard leaned forward.  “Spell it out for me.” 

Without warning, Kaidan surged up and gripped Shepard’s face between his hands.  He kissed Shepard hard and rough, invading with his tongue.  His teeth clamped down on Shepard’s bottom lip, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to get his attention.  When Kaidan released him from the kiss, his dark eyes drilled into Shepard.  “I want you to suck my cock with this hot mouth of yours.”  He pressed another short kiss against Shepard’s mouth for emphasis. 

Well that was clear enough.  Shepard grinned and lowered his head back down to take Kaidan into his mouth. 

Kaidan fell back down with a groan, and dug his fingers into the back of Shepard’s neck again.  His hips twitched and jerked with each stroke of Shepard’s lips, and he kept up a steady stream of whispered encouragement between gasps and curses. 

Shepard focused on his task, paying careful attention to the hitches in Kaidan’s voice, changing the rhythm whenever Kaidan seemed to tense up, even releasing him occasionally if he seemed close.  His own dick was hard and uncomfortable in the confines of his jeans, so he fumbled with one hand until he was free and began to stroke himself. 

Eventually the taste and feel of Kaidan in his mouth brought Shepard close to the edge.  He let go of himself with some effort and dug his fingers into Kaidan’s thigh.   

Kaidan let out a hoarse sound.  He’d started guiding Shepard’s motions with a hand on the back of his neck, but now his grip tightened and he thrust deep.  Shepard did his best to relax and accept the invasion.  He felt Kaidan twitch against his tongue and lips.  Kaidan’s grip shifted and he tried to push Shepard away, but Shepard resisted.  He was rewarded as hot musky fluid filled his mouth, and he swallowed instinctively.   

His hand found his dick again, and with Kaidan’s flavor on his tongue he found his release after only a few strokes.  He let Kaidan slip out of his mouth, and curled in on himself with the power of the orgasm. 

When the waves of pleasure subsided, Shepard crawled up and kissed Kaidan.  He was out of it enough that he forgot that he'd just swallowed a mouthful of cum, but Kaidan grasped the back of his head and leaned into the kiss when he started to pull back.  Well, if Kaidan was okay with it, then Shepard was more than willing to share with him.   

He eventually needed to pull up for air, and this time Kaidan let him.  Still gasping for breath, he shifted until he was curled up against the other man's side again, using his shoulder for a pillow.  It probably should have been awkward because he was taller, but it felt right.  Their bodies fit. 

 _Is this what it had been like for Rahna?_  As soon as he thought it, Shepard cursed himself.  He had just blown the man, so why was he suddenly thinking about Kaidan’s ex-wife?  Because, he realized, he had seen the longing in Kaidan's eyes when he spoke about Rahna the night before.  It was obvious that Kaidan loved her.  When she'd left him, the man had turned to drugs and by his own admission, he hadn't been off them for very long. 

Exasperation filled him.  For fuck’s sake, he could still taste Kaidan.   _What the hell is wrong with me?_  

Shepard had never been in love before.  He'd thought he was in love with Ashley when he was younger, but it had become clear eventually that he just really _liked_ her.  Plus she was hot - always a bonus.  She'd known, though, and had held him at arms length until he'd come to the realization on his own. 

He'd only known Kaidan for a little over a week.  Sure, Kaidan had opened up to him and talked about the worst parts of his past.  Shepard could get past big things like that, but what about little things?  How did Kaidan feel about politics, religion, kids, who takes out the trash, and what constitutes a clean kitchen?  Would they fight?  Did Kaidan hold grudges? 

Shepard suddenly realized what he was doing and chuckled to himself.  It was a good thing Jack wasn't around.  She'd take one look at his face, know that he was spiraling into self doubt and tell him to quit being a pussy.   

"What?" Kaidan rumbled quietly. 

"I was just wondering how you'd react to having dishes pile up in the sink," Shepard admitted.  Kaidan's head came up off the pillow and he lifted a brow at Shepard in surprised question.  From the angle Shepard was seeing him from, he looked silly, and he laughed.  "You don't have to answer that.  It was just idle speculation." 

Kaidan's head thumped back down on the pillow, but not before Shepard caught his smile.  "No, it's fine," Kaidan’s voice was full of humor.  "I guess it would depend on whose turn it was to clean the kitchen.  Ra- Uh... I've lived with a clean freak.  I'd probably clean it up out of habit, but it would get old if it happened all the time." 

Shepard forced himself to ignore the jealousy creeping up inside him.  He'd never been the jealous type, and he was seriously starting to get irritated with himself. 

He'd never felt a connection with anyone the way he did with Kaidan, though. 

He needed to lighten the hell up.  "How do you feel about cat fur?" he asked, deliberately keeping his tone light.  "Because Normandy sheds like crazy and I think she likes you." 

"I think you like me too," Kaidan teased.  "Are you going to shed on me?" 

"You might get a little greasy when I hug you," Shepard answered with a laugh.  He might do it deliberately, just to mark his territory.   _Jesus, I’m thinking like a caveman._  

"Well I can deal with cat fur and car grease," Kaidan said warmly.  The arm he had wrapped lightly around Shepard's shoulders tightened.  "But I get the sense you're fishing for something." 

Shepard was fishing, but he wasn't sure what for.  He decided to go with honesty.  "I'm trying to find something about you that I won't like," he admitted.  "Because at the moment, I'm having a hard time talking myself out of keeping you." 

Kaidan stiffened and Shepard cursed himself for saying what was really on his mind.  Would Kaidan think he'd forgotten about the drug problem?  Would he think he was just brushing something like that off?  To his consternation, Kaidan moved to sit up, leaving Shepard without the warmth of his body.  He didn’t look at Shepard as he straightened his clothes. 

Shepard sat up reluctantly.  He tucked himself back into his jeans before looking up at Kaidan.  Brown eyes watched him uncertainly, and they faced off silently for several minutes.  Shepard wanted to speak, but he was afraid he would make the situation worse.  At this point he thought it was best to keep his mouth shut and see how Kaidan reacted. 

"What exactly does 'keeping me' entail?" Kaidan asked carefully. 

Shepard reached out and took Kaidan's hand.  He brushed his thumbs over the fingers in a soft massage as he thought about the question.  He knew what he wanted, and that surprised him.  He'd never felt so strongly about someone before, and it scared him a little that his emotions were already so entangled with this man after such a short time.   _No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave,_ he told himself.   

He took a deep breath, and looked up at Kaidan.  "I have had a few casual relationships," he started slowly.  "But I was so busy with my military career that I never found what I was looking for." 

"What are you looking for?" Kaidan’s expression was open, and there was a slight upward curve to his lips. 

Shepard looked down at the hand in his again, feeling shy.  He smiled a little, tilting his head down to hide it from Kaidan.  "Someone brave," he paused.  "Someone I can look up to."  He shot a quick glance up at Kaidan.  "Someone handsome."  Kaidan laughed, and Shepard chuckled too before he continued, dropping his gaze back to their hands.  "But I think what I really want is something with a person that I can be friends with too.  And I think we have that." 

Kaidan's fingers twisted until he was holding one of Shepard's hands.  "I would like that too," he said.  "And I've already said I would stay a while to see how things go." 

"What if you miss home?" Shepard asked.  He hadn't planned on asking that, but it was an obstacle that they would need to face eventually.  Now that the question was out there, they might as well tackle it. 

Kaidan didn't answer right away, and Shepard peeked up to find him looking out over the valley.  "I like it here," he finally said, without any prompting.  Then he looked at Shepard and smiled warmly.  "It's starting to feel a bit like home." 

Shepard lifted an eyebrow in disbelief.   

Kaidan laughed again at his expression.  "I haven't always lived in Vancouver," he explained.  "I've lived out in the country too.  I kind of like small town life." 

Shepard would just have to reserve judgement on that.  "Uh huh." 

Kaidan grinned, but then his expression turned serious.  "Are you sure I'm what you want?  I mean... someone brave?  Someone to look up to?  I'm not-" 

The hand holding Shepard's began to pull away, and he gripped it tight, not allowing Kaidan to escape.  "You are.  What you dealt with... what you're still dealing with.  It can't be easy.  But you're doing it." 

"One day at a time," Kaidan mumbled.  But he sucked in a deep breath, letting it out in a long sigh.  "Thank you.  That means a lot."  He stopped pulling away, and squeezed Shepard's hand back.   

"I'm here for you if you need me," Shepard said.  "I just want you to know that." 

Another squeeze, this one tighter.  "That goes both ways," Kaidan said.  

Shepard felt something in his chest tighten.  He'd never told any of his friends about the bomb, and about Anderson dying in his arms.  It had been difficult enough talking to Doctor Chakwas, but even talking to Jack about it had been more than he could handle.  It felt good that he'd shared even part of the story with Kaidan.  His breath hitched, and he had to concentrate in order to inhale enough to speak.  "Thank you.” He was proud that his voice was smooth. 

"Aren't we a pair?" Kaidan teased softly. 

 _Two men, both slightly broken._  Shepard smiled and nodded.  Maybe they could pick up the pieces together and patch up the rough spots.  Or maybe they could even make something all new. 

They were silent for a moment, but it didn't feel uncomfortable.  Shepard played with Kaidan's fingers, and listened to the wind rustling through the trees. 

"So, does this mean I can tell my mother that I'm staying here with my boyfriend?" Kaidan finally asked. 

Shepard blinked up at him.   _Boyfriend_.  He rolled the word around in his head.  It felt right.  He laughed and nodded, and pulled Kaidan's hand up so he could press a kiss to his palm.  "Absolutely," he answered. 

There was a growl, and both men's eyes dropped to Kaidan's stomach.  "Sorry," Kaidan chuckled.  "I've always had a high metabolism.  I almost always feel hungry." 

Shepard smiled, and grabbed another protein bar out of the box he kept his emergency supplies in.  He tossed it to Kaidan. "That should hold you for now." He shifted to the end of the truck bed to put his shoes back on.  "Let's get back to Citadel, and then we can have an actual meal." 

He didn’t try to hide the goofy smile that spread across his face whenever his thoughts touched on the conversation he’d just had with Kaidan.  And what was even better… Kaidan was smiling just as much.  


	24. Chapter 24

Actually seeing the path down the mountain convinced Kaidan that he was glad he hadn't known where they were going last night.  In the morning light he could see that there was a hint of a path that Shepard was following with his truck, but he doubted very many vehicles could take it.  At one point during the trip, he glanced at Shepard to find the man grinning, a slightly mad glint in his eyes.  He wanted to accuse him of being crazy for enjoying himself, but worried that distracting him was not the best idea.  When they finally came to an actual road, dirt and gravel though it was, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Shepard heard and shot him an amused look.  Kaidan couldn’t help laughing, and Shepard joined him.  They fell into a comfortable silence, although Shepard eventually turned on the stereo.  The drive back to Citadel wasn't too long, only about an hour once they were on a real road, but Kaidan didn't feel the need to fill the space between them with words.

He tended to be somewhat quiet anyway.  All the talking he'd done with Shepard and the people he'd been meeting in Citadel was unusual for him.  It was nice, and he'd definitely been enjoying himself, but he was also enjoying just being in Shepard's company without any conversation.  Rahna had always felt the need to fill the silence.  She would talk about her day, her friends, her family, the book she was currently reading, the new recipe she was going to try.  It didn't seem important for Kaidan to join the conversation in most cases, and she was happy as long as he listened.  And he did listen.  Rahna's voice was beautiful and soothing, and he'd never begrudged her chattiness.

He and Shepard could definitely hold a conversation.  There had never seemed to be any awkward pauses when they spoke.  But it was a two way exchange, and now that neither of them had anything to say it didn't feel anything but natural.

He wondered vaguely if it was wrong to keep comparing Shepard to Rahna.  It wasn't as if he were looking for ways in which either of them were better, but he noticed the differences and marveled at them.  He'd almost mentioned one of those differences out loud to Shepard earlier, but he'd caught himself.  Kaidan absolutely did not want to give Shepard the impression that he was measuring him against Rahna.  Especially since he wasn't entirely sure how Shepard felt about the fact that Kaidan was bisexual.

He'd been ribbed by his straight friends and his gay friends for his preferences.  It always seemed to come off as insecurity on their part, as if they thought that he could never settle his affections on one person without missing something in his sex life.

It was ridiculous of course.  He loved... had loved... Rahna deeply, and there had never been any shortage in the bedroom.  But how would Shepard feel about it?  Their relationship was new, and Kaidan didn't want to give reason for the other man to doubt him.  So he'd do his best to keep the comparisons to himself. 

A happy smile kept creeping up on him every time he thought of his new relationship.  "Boyfriend" felt a little strange to say.  He'd only seriously dated one man before and they'd kept it quiet, since neither of them had been sure how their families would take it.  There was a small part of him that wanted to say it out loud a few times just to get used to the feel of it in his mouth, but Shepard didn't seem to think he was crazy yet, and Kaidan wasn't going to give him a reason to start.

That didn't stop him from thinking it though.  And smiling.  A lot.

When Citadel came into sight, Shepard finally turned to him.  "Is breakfast at the diner ok?  Or we could stop at my place.  I've got Corn Pops and Cheerios."

The idea of sitting at a table eating cereal with Shepard was massively appealing.  "Corn Pops sound terrific." He was glad that he'd made that choice because Shepard's smile was warm and affectionate, and Kaidan wanted nothing more at that moment than to keep seeing that smile directed at him.

"Then we need to stop at the store." Shepard turned back to the road.  "I'm pretty sure we're low on milk."

They were already in town at this point, and the grocery store was only a block down the road.  They pulled into the parking lot, which was only occupied by two other vehicles at the moment.  It was still fairly early in the morning, so Kaidan wasn't too surprise that there weren't many people out yet.  Especially on a Saturday, when people were probably recovering from Friday's late night.

A bell over the door tinkled as they went inside, and a young woman with short reddish blonde hair looked up from where she was busy setting up a display at the end of one of the aisles.  "Oh hey, Shep," she said brightly when her eyes landed on him.  Her gaze turned curious when it moved to Kaidan, but no less welcoming. 

"Morning, Kelly." Shepard waved at her as he grabbed a hand basket.  "I didn't see you at the Blue Sun last night.  We missed you."

She sighed dramatically.  "Psychology homework," she said glumly.  "I'd been putting it off to the last minute."

"Probably for the best, then.” Shepard gestured at Kaidan and introduced him.

Kelly was exuberantly friendly, wanted to know everything about Kaidan, and wasn't shy about asking him all the questions on her mind.  Shepard winked at him, and took off to go pick up milk, leaving him with the young woman.

Eventually, Kaidan was able to escape when Kelly needed to help an older woman and her daughter check out their groceries.  Shepard appeared at his side, almost magically.  Kaidan raised a brow at him.  "Why do I feel like you used me to distract her?"

"Because I did," Shepard replied with a grin as he led the way to the cash register.  He leaned close to whisper in Kaidan's ear once they were standing in line behind the women Kelly was still helping.  "Sorry... I'll make it up to you later."

Kaidan rolled his eyes, but didn’t bother to suppress an amused smile.  He tucked his hands in his back pockets while he waited for Kelly to ring up Shepard's purchases.  He'd let his eyes unfocus and was staring into space, but he snapped back to attention when he realized what his eyes were resting on.  He saw the box of condoms clearly just as Kelly was reaching for them.  Kelly had been chattering at Shepard as she rang things up.  When she realized what she held, the steady stream of words came to a halt.  She stared at the box, then looked up at Shepard who winked - winked! - at her, then turned wide eyes on Kaidan.  

He probably should have felt uncomfortable, but instead he felt.... smug.  It was obvious she had a crush on Shepard by the way she had been beaming up at him.  Kaidan wasn't the type to deliberately smash a young woman's dreams, but seeing the realization dawning in her eyes made him realize that Shepard was _his_.  His lips twitched in response the situation, and he gave in to the urge to grin at her.  She blinked, and turned bright red, coughed a little and resumed chattering as she rang up the last few items, this time deliberately watching her hands.

"I think you just broke her heart," Kaidan said as they went out and got back in the truck.

Shepard snorted as he turned the key in the ignition.  "Maybe her brain, but not her heart," Shepard twisted and latched an arm over the seat so he could watch as he backed out of the parking space.  His smile held just a tinge of evil glee.  "She's a good kid, but she's been after just about everyone in town at some point."  His voice didn't hold an ounce of judgement when he stated that fact, but was full of fondness.  "I don't think she knew my preferences until just now."

Kaidan felt that thread of self doubt that had plagued him earlier.  "You don't like women?" he asked, glad that the question sounded casual.

"Sometimes," Shepard replied with a chuckle.  "But not bubbly college girls."  He cast a glance at Kaidan, and his blue eyes sparkled with mischief.  "I have a preference for people my own age or older."

It was a relief to find out that Shepard shared his views about sexuality, at least partially.  A weight he hadn't consciously known was there, lifted.  Kaidan grinned at Shepard.  "How old are you, anyway?"

"Twenty-nine," Shepard answered.  "You?"

"Thirty-two," Kaidan said.  "And definitely not a bubbly college girl."

Shepard barked a laugh.  "No, I think that's pretty obvious."  The glance he cast this time was heated.  "But if you ever wanted to play dress up, I wouldn't complain."

Kaidan's eyebrows rose in surprise.  That was something he'd never considered doing before, but now his mind was full of images.  The memory of their conversation about Han Solo and Princess Leia bubbled up and he wondered how difficult it would be to talk Shepard into wearing the loin cloth and collar from Leia’s slave outfit.   _Where the hell did that come from?_ But the idea was a pleasant one, and wouldn't go away.

Suddenly his jeans were feeling a little too tight, and Kaidan had to shift in his seat.  "I... don't think I'd complain either," he muttered.  He was rewarded with another hot look and a smile, and had to shift in his seat again.  

He felt like a randy teen.  There had only been a few hours between their adventures in the water, and the fantastic blowjob Shepard had given him at sunrise.  And now he was already thinking about bending Shepard over the counter once they got back to his place.  It felt great, actually.  He couldn't stop grinning, so he turned his head to watch out the window for the last few blocks before they reached Shepard's house. 

His plan to jump Shepard was thrown out the window when they walked into the house.  Jack heard the door and came stalking angrily from the back.  "Where the hell have you been?" she snapped.  Her dark eyes burned with rage, and from where Kaidan was standing, it looked like she should be glaring holes right through Shepard.

"We went up to the hot springs," Shepard answered, completely calm and unfazed by her anger.  He brushed past her to carry the milk and other things he'd purchased to the kitchen.  

Jack's glare slid to Kaidan for a fraction of a second, turning even darker, before she turned on a heel to follow Shepard down the hall.  "You could have said something before you left," she growled as Shepard calmly put things away.  

From where Kaidan stood, he couldn't see Shepard because he'd opened the fridge and the door blocked his view, but he could hear his voice clearly.  "Were you worried about me, Jack?" he asked.  Plastic rustled as he pulled things out of the grocery bag.  It must have been a signal, because Normandy came strolling out of Shepard's room and went to rub against his ankles.

"It's common fucking courtesy to let your roommate know if you're not coming home," Jack hissed.  Kaidan could only see her back, but she looked tense as hell and ready to lash out.

Shepard finished putting things away.  He scooped up Normandy as he shut the fridge door and leaned his elbow on the top of it.  Now that Kaidan could see him, he was surprised to find that Shepard was smiling gently at Jack, completely unperturbed by her anger.  Kaidan was impressed by his calm.  By the way Normandy was rubbing her head under Shepard's chin, Kaidan assumed she was also unfazed by Jack's temper.  "I'm sorry," Shepard said.  "I didn't mean to worry you."

"I wasn't worried!" Jack snapped.  Then she made a sound of disgust and threw her hands up in the air.  "Fuck, never mind!"  She brushed past Shepard hard enough to rock him slightly, and went to her room, slamming the door behind her.  

Shepard rolled his eyes, and then beckoned for Kaidan to join him in the kitchen. 

"Is she always like that?" Kaidan asked in a quiet voice that he hoped wouldn't carry through Jack's door.

Normandy received a kiss on the head, and was put down before Shepard answered.  "Which part?" he asked as he began rummaging through the cupboards for bowls.  "The bitchy part, or the overbearing worried mother part?"  Once he had the dishes out, he opened another cupboard and pulled out a box of Corn Pops, which he offered to Kaidan first.

"Both?" Kaidan asked as he accepted it.  He poured himself a bowl as Shepard dug a couple of spoons out of a drawer.  He filled Shepard's bowl too, assuming that if he'd wanted a different cereal, he would have grabbed it already.

"Thanks." Shepard popped the top off the milk jug.  "The bitchiness is pure Jack.  The overbearing worrying started when I came home from Afghanistan."

Kaidan waited for him to elaborate, but Shepard just poured milk in their bowls and then put the jug in the fridge.  "Does she have a reason to?" he finally asked.  He picked up his spoon and leaned over the counter to take a bite of cereal and Shepard did the same.

For a moment there was only the sound of crunching as they ate.  After swallowing a second spoonful Shepard finally spoke.  "Maybe at first." He shrugged casually.  "But I'm okay now."

"Are you sure?" Kaidan asked quietly.

Blue eyes flashed at him in a quick glance, but Shepard kept his attention on his cereal bowl as he answered.  "Time helps.  I'm still...." he trailed off for a moment and then shrugged.  "She doesn't need to worry about me being out all night anymore.  Even if I'm alone."

Kaidan resumed eating his own cereal.  The sugary bites were no longer crunchy, but it was still delicious.  It had been years since he'd eaten cereal that wasn't "for grownups".  Rahna would be horrified.  

"She's only grumpy with me because she cares," Shepard said after a while.  He'd finished his cereal and had grabbed the box to refill his bowl.  He held it out to Kaidan questioningly.

Taking the box to refill his own bowl, Kaidan nodded thoughtfully.  He wished that Rahna had cared enough to rage at him when he did things she didn't like.  Instead, she'd just grown cold and distant.  The silent treatment was her typical punishment when she was upset with him.  He hadn't thought it bothered him, but as things grew worse between them the only thing he could do to deal with the heartache was to numb it with more pills.  She hadn't even told him she was leaving.  He'd just come home from work one day to find a note saying that she'd gone to stay with her mother while they worked things out with a lawyer.

She hadn't even bothered to talk to him about the divorce first.  He hadn't known it was coming.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Shepard had lifted his bowl and watched Kaidan over the edge as he drank the milk.  

"I'm sorry?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard wiped his mouth with the back of his wrist and set his bowl in the sink without taking his eyes off Kaidan.  "You had a pretty fierce look going on there.  I was just wondering what you were thinking about."

Kaidan blinked and shook his head to clear it.  It wasn't anything he really felt like talking about.  He'd told Shepard his secrets, but that didn't mean he was quite ready to reveal every nuance of his pain.  "It wasn't important," he answered as he picked up his bowl to finish off the milk.  "Just remembering something."

The look Shepard gave him was still curious, but he accepted Kaidan's words with a nod.  "So what are your plans for the day?" He took Kaidan's bowl when he was finished and set it in the sink too, before leaning back against the counter with his hands braced on the edge behind him.  

Kaidan had no idea.  Spending all day with Shepard had its appeal, but at the same time he didn't want to invade his space too much.  Despite the talk they'd had earlier, he was completely aware that their relationship was very new.  And even if  Shepard did want him to hang out all weekend, he would still need to figure out what to do with himself during the week. 

He was going to need to find a job.  He didn't need the money, but he definitely needed something to keep himself busy.  That wasn't the only thing he would need to do, he realized.  Finding a place to stay was also going to be at the top of his list of things to figure out.  And then probably some new clothes, and maybe a phone that wasn't prepaid.

None of those things were particularly appealing at the moment, although he knew he shouldn't be procrastinating anymore.  On the other hand, it was the weekend, and Shepard was giving him a slightly hopeful look.  It looked like Shepard wanted to spend more time together too.  Kaidan was definitely up for that.  He could start settling into Citadel on Monday.  "I don't know," he said slowly.  "What do you do with your free time?"

Shepard blinked as if he hadn't expected that question.  "I work." He gave Kaidan a self-deprecating smile.  "Fixing cars relaxes me."

Kaidan had helped him with his work a few times during the last week, mostly just holding lights and handing him tools while they talked.  He'd enjoyed those times, but it wasn't quite what he was in the mood for at the moment.  He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment as he thought.  Then he released it as he smiled.  "How about we finish our Star Wars marathon?"

Shepard straightened, his eyes bright with enthusiasm.  "I like the way you think," he said.  He stepped forward and after a brief moment of hesitation he slipped his arms around Kaidan's waist, pulling him close until their chests pressed together.  His head dipped down, and Kaidan lifted his chin so their mouths could meet in a soft, brief kiss.  When Shepard pulled back, his blue eyes were soft with affection.  It made Kaidan's heart skip a beat.  Shepard’s voice was a soft murmur when he spoke.  "I'm glad you're here."

The feeling was mutual.  In all the months that he'd been riding away from his problems he’d never expected that he would find a place like Citadel, where he’d found friends.  And Shepard.  Kaidan smiled up at the taller man.  "Me too," he replied.  He liked it here, especially when he stood in the morning light shining through the windows while wrapped in Shepard's arms.  "I like it here.  With you."  

He received another warm smile and soft kiss.  That started to evolve into something more, and thoughts of movies were forgotten completely when Shepard made that soft whimpering sound that Kaidan already loved.  His hands, which had been resting on Shepard's upper arms, moved up and he brushed his thumb over the scar at the back of his neck.  He wanted to kiss that rough ridge of skin.  A picture of running his tongue over it while Shepard was face down on the bed below him had him growling and pushing Shepard back against the counter.

"Oh God, let me at least get out of the house first," Jack said from the open door of her room.  

Kaidan tried to pull out of the kiss, but Shepard looped a hand around the back of his neck, holding him in place.  Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw Shepard lift his free hand, middle finger up towards Jack.  

"Fuck you," Jack grumbled.  Then she snorted.  "What am I saying?  You've got that covered.  I'm out of here.  Try to get it out of your systems before I get back."  She swept past them, boots clumping loudly on the wood floor.  A few moments later the sound of the door opening and slamming shut announced her departure.

Kaidan bit down on Shepard's bottom lip, a small punishment for making a scene.  

Shepard finally released him, and his blue eyes sparkled.  A lopsided grin crinkled the scars on the side of his face.  "I don't know about you," he said in a voice roughened by desire, "but I'm not in the mood for a movie anymore."

His hips shifted forward, and Kaidan could feel his hardness through the layers of their clothing.  His body was also thrumming with need, and all thoughts of anything besides getting Shepard naked flew out of his head.  "How long do you think Jack is going to be gone?" he asked.

"All damn day, if she's smart," Shepard growled.  He bent down and took Kaidan's mouth again.  

The kiss was hard, rough with teeth and beard stubble, and Kaidan gave as good as he got.  Shepard's taste still held a hint of sugar from his breakfast, and Kaidan traced the inside of his mouth with his tongue in an effort to catch more of it.  His hands wandered over Shepard's back, pulling his t-shirt up to feel the heat of his skin under his palms. 

It wasn't enough.  He dug his fingers under the waistband of Shepard's jeans.  There was just barely room to slide both hands in down, before the denim caught his wrists and halted his progress.  He squeezed the taut flesh he found, and accepted Shepard's groan into himself.

Shepard's muscles flexed under Kaidan's grip and his hips ground forward.  "I want you," he said against Kaidan's mouth.  "Inside me.  Please."

"Yes," Kaidan breathed back. 

Shepard broke the kiss and turned to dig through the plastic bag sitting on the counter nearby.  He pulled out the box of condoms, waving it slightly for Kaidan's attention.  "Bedroom?" he suggested.

"Bedroom," Kaidan agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually where I left off at the end of October before I started working on NaNoWriMo :D


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel guilty for that cliffhanger, so here you go :D

Shepard’s heart was pounding, and he was already hard as rock inside his jeans.  When Kaidan’s arms came around his waist, pulling him to a stop in the hallway, he groaned.   _Please do not let him change his mind._ But Kaidan only pressed against his back, the ridge of his arousal against Shepard’s ass, making him whimper.

Kaidan chuckled, and used his grip around Shepard’s middle to herd him into the bedroom.  His hands dropped to undo Shepard’s fly, quickly slipping inside to squeeze him through his boxers.  Shepard’s hips jerked forward involuntarily and he swore under his breath.  With Kaidan at his back and a hand on his dick, Shepard couldn’t decide what he wanted more.  He settled for rocking back and forth between the dual sensations.

“Hmm, you want me to fuck you don’t you?” Kaidan spoke the words against Shepard’s shoulder.  His breath spread over Shepard’s skin, chasing goosebumps across it.

Hearing him say it was like an aphrodisiac.  Heat pooled inside of Shepard, centered in the pit of his stomach and spreading outward.  The air seemed thinner, and he had to take several shuddering breaths before he could speak.  “Yes.”

“How long has it been for you?” Kaidan’s free hand began tugging at Shepard’s shirt.

Taking the hint, Shepard pulled the shirt off over his head, and began working on getting his pants off.  “A few years.” Shepard’s voice was weak with want and need, but he was past caring.

“Do you… use toys or anything?” Kaidan asked.  His hands disappeared to Shepard’s dismay, but they were still pressed close enough that it was obvious he was removing his own clothing.

Unable to deny himself, Shepard turned to face Kaidan, watching as bare skin was revealed.  The flex and play of muscles under pale skin lightly covered in black hair almost distracted him from the question.  “Sometimes.”  When Kaidan pulled free of his shirt, Shepard gripped his face in both hands and ran his tongue over Kaidan’s bottom lip.  “Why do you ask?”

Kaidan’s pants dropped to his feet, and he grabbed the back of Shepard’s neck, forcing him to look down.  His grip was strong, but Shepard didn’t resist.  “Look at me,” Kaidan ordered.

Shepard did as he was told, and he swallowed convulsively.  Kaidan’s hard dick stood out from a nest of neatly trimmed black hair, and Shepard understood what he was asking.  Kaidan wasn’t as long as Shepard, but he was still big.  Thick in a way that had made Shepard’s jaw ache earlier when he’d sucked him off in the truck.  At the time, he’d been more interested in the taste and feel in his mouth and hadn’t considered just how big it was.

His mouth watered at the memory and he grinned despite the warning Kaidan was giving him.  Lifting his head again, he kissed Kaidan again.  He invaded Kaidan’s mouth, showing him just how eager he was for what was about to happen.  When he pulled back, Kaidan tried to hold him.  Shepard liked that.  “I can take it,” he assured the other man.

That earned him a slow smile.  Kaidan pushed against his chest, and Shepard fell down onto the bed.  He reached down to touch himself, squeezing and stroking.  Dark eyes watched him with approval and Shepard spread his legs in invitation.  Any other time he would have been more than willing to put on a show, but he was impatient to have Kaidan inside him.  He’d dreamed of it for days now, and he refused to wait any longer  He tilted his head toward the bedside table.  “The lube is in the top drawer.”

Kaidan smirked at him, but quickly grabbed the bottle before joining Shepard in the bed.  He held himself over Shepard, and leaned down to kiss him.  Shepard felt the head of Kaidan’s dick brush against the skin of his thighs, and he flexed his hips upwards to get more contact.  

“You’re going to need some preparation first.”  Kaidan’s voice was chiding, but his dark eyes were hot with anticipation.

Shepard wanted to growl in frustration.  He wanted it _now_.  But it had been a while, and going too fast and hurting himself would kill the mood.  So he bit his upper lip to keep himself from begging Kaidan to hurry.

Kaidan leaned back and sat on his heels.  He glanced down at Shepard’s hand where he was still stroking himself.  “Don’t stop doing that.” His eyes glittered with mischief as he popped open the bottle of lube and drizzled some over his own fingers.  “I like to watch.”

Shepard grinned, and kept doing what he was doing.  The way those dark eyes swept over him set his blood simmering under his skin, and he couldn’t ignore the order.  Kaidan leaned over him again to kiss him, and Shepard felt blunt fingers making circles around his entrance.  Teasing, but never putting pressure where Shepard needed him.  He wanted to break the kiss and ask for more, but he was drowning under Kaidan’s mouth.  Each brush of his tongue, and nip of his teeth sent jolts through Shepard’s body, and he didn’t want to lose Kaidan’s taste.  Instead he rolled his hips into the touch, silently begging Kaidan to stop teasing him.  Small sounds of excitement escaped him, rising from the back of his throat.

A thick finger finally pressed into him, and Shepard moaned, the sound low and full of pleasure.  Slowly and gently Kaidan stroked him, withdrawing, only to come back deeper.  Shepard whimpered when a second finger was added, and several minutes later when a third was added.  Shepard nearly came when Kaidan curled his fingers, and he had to clamp his fingers down around the base of his cock.  He only loosened his grip when the pressure inside him abated.  He wanted Kaidan to be inside him when he came.  

He needed that connection.  He needed _Kaidan_.  Inside him and surrounding him.  

Kaidan lifted his head, breaking the kiss.  “Are you ready?”

Shepard nodded jerkily.  It was all he could manage.  

“You stopped touching yourself.”  Kaidan had sat back up and was opening a condom wrapper.  His voice was rough, and his breathing just as broken as Shepard’s  His dark eyes roamed over Shepard’s body as he tore the wrapper open and rolled the condom on. 

Shepard noticed that his fingers were trembling slightly as he tore through the wrapper, and smiled darkly.

“I want to wait until you’re inside me.” Shepard saw the effect his words had on Kaidan and he bared his teeth in a challenging grin.  The other man’s eyes had widened and his skin, already flushed with arousal, darkened more.

Kaidan’s hands were definitely shaking when he hooked his arms under Shepard’s knees, pulling him roughly until his hips were resting on Kaidan’s thighs.  Shepard was surprised and excited by the manhandling.  He knew Kaidan was strong, but he hadn’t expected to get that kind of demonstration.  Kaidan’s fingers bit into his thighs, and Shepard knew that he would have marks in the morning.

He couldn’t wait to see them, couldn’t wait to run his own hands over the bruises and feel the rush of pleasure when he was reminded of where they came from.  Those thoughts were interrupted when Kaidan guided himself to Shepard’s entrance.  Shepard bit his upper lip and closed his eyes, breathing slowly through the burn of being stretched open.

A low keening sound filled his ears and he realized it was coming from himself.  Suddenly Shepard was glad that Jack had decided to take off because he did not give a damn about how thin the walls were right now.  “God, yes, Kaidan.”  His mouth fell open and he arched his back in an attempt to take more.  He gasped when Kaidan’s fingers tightened.

“Shhh.” Kaidan didn’t stop his slow, gentle movements.  When Shepard lifted his head off the pillow and looked at him, he found Kaidan staring down at where their bodies were connected.  His brow was furrowed with concentration, and his muscles twitched.  It was obvious he was trying to control himself.  His eyes, nearly black with lust flicked up to Shepard’s and he smiled.  His voice was husky when he spoke.  “We’ll get there.”

Shepard’s teeth clamped down on his upper lip, and he nodded.  He held Kaidan’s eyes with his own, silently begging him for more.

When he eventually stopped because he could go no further, Kaidan held still.  Shepard marveled at the fullness inside of him.  Kaidan was bigger than he had expected.  It was exactly what he needed.  

Well almost.  Kaidan hadn’t moved for several heartbeats.  Impatient, Shepard began to move his hips experimentally and moaned as the pressure inside him changed.

Kaidan made a small sound of pleasure as well.  “God damn, you feel good,” he rasped.

That was a huge understatement as far as Shepard was concerned.  He opened his eyes and stared at Kaidan as he flexed his muscles again.  “What are you waiting for?  Fuck me, Kaidan.”

Kaidan sucked in a small breath and his eyes narrowed dangerously.  But he didn’t move. 

Accepting the challenge in that dark stare, Shepard flexed again, and this time Kaidan groaned.  He fell forward, bracing his hands on either side of Shepard’s head.  The motion pushed him even deeper and Shepard gasped.  “Tease me like that...” Kaidan ground his hips forward, “...and I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine.”

“ _Please_.”  The word slipped out of Shepard on an exhale.

Kaidan began to move.

It was everything Shepard had imagined.  Kaidan alternated between hard and rough, slow and shallow, teasing with long thrusts interspersed with pauses that had Shepard begging for more.  Their mouths would clash between gasps, and words fell from both of their lips, although Shepard was barely conscious of what was being said.  He was focused on the fullness inside him, and the warmth in his chest that he felt whenever Kaidan’s eyes met his.

His skin felt too tight, and every breath he took didn’t hold quite enough oxygen.  His world narrowed down to the few inches separating their bodies, and even that disappeared when Kaidan growled and wrapped his arms around Shepard’s waist. 

Kaidan lifted Shepard’s hips off the bed, and he pressed his face into Shepard’s shoulder as he began to pound into him roughly, his hips jerking out of rhythm.  “Oh God, Matt I’m going to come.”

Shepard began a litany of pleading and encouragement.  He was also close, the friction of Kaidan’s stomach against his dick more than enough stimulation when combined with the feel of Kaidan’s cock inside him.  One strong thrust hit him just right and he threw his head back on a low wail.  His fingers dug into Kaidan’s back in an attempt to pull him closer.  He felt the slickness of his own seed spreading between their stomachs, and then Kaidan’s body seized up with his own orgasm.

When the waves of pleasure finally slowed, Kaidan collapsed on top of him.  He was breathing hard, every exhale cooling Shepard’s skin where it touched.

After a few minutes, Kaidan rolled to his side.  The motion pulled him free of Shepard’s body.

Shepard reached down to remove the condom, then twisted until he could drop it in the waste basket next to the bed behind him.  There was a box of tissues on the bedside table which he used to clean his stomach before also throwing those into the trash.  Then he settled back down.  He curled into Kaidan's chest, allowing himself to be pulled closer until their legs were entwined.  As he looked into Kaidan's warm brown eyes, contentment spread through him.  He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so relaxed.  Despite the languid warmth in his limbs, he didn't feel tired though.  

Kaidan didn't look tired either, although it was obvious he was in the same lazy mood.  A half smile hovered on his lips, and  his fingers were tracing circles just below the nape of Shepard's neck, occasionally sliding up to brush against the scar just under his hairline.  Despite the scars lacing the rest of his body, Kaidan always seemed to come back to that one, as if it were his favorite.  Shepard wanted to ask what he was thinking, but he was reluctant to break the comfortable silence.

After a few moments, Kaidan's eyes shifted to the scars on Shepard's cheek.  His hand came forward and the tips of his fingers hovered over the ruined flesh. His voice was rough as sandpaper when he spoke. "Tell me how you got these?"  

Shepard didn't flinch at the almost contact like he had before.  The insecurity he normally felt about the scars didn't surface either.  Memories floated through his mind, but they were soft and misty.  Distant.  Enough so that he only felt a dull aching sadness instead of the usual heartrending pain when he thought of how he'd received the scars.  "It was from the explosion," he answered.  He spoke slowly, forcing each word past the lump that was forming in his throat.  Talking about his scars made him remember the people who weren’t as lucky as he was to survive.  "The window next to me shattered, and some of it got embedded in my skin.  The glass was hot, and partially cauterized the wounds."

"Jesus," Kaidan’s thick brows came down in a frown.  "You're lucky you weren't blinded."

Reaching up, Shepard cupped Kaidan's hand in his own and gently lowered it until his palm pressed against the scars.  His skin went cold, then flushed hot.  He took a deep breath, and held Kaidan’s hand in place, taking comfort in his touch.  It grounded him, and he was able to hold the pain in his heart at bay for the moment.

Shepard had felt Kaidan's lips against the scars several times while they were making love.  It was obvious to him now that Kaidan wasn't repulsed by them.  But Shepard still hated the way they twisted his face.  He wasn't vain enough to think they made him ugly, although he doubted people found the scars attractive.  He hated them because every time he saw them in the mirror, or when he touched his face and felt the ridges, he was reminded that he was alive when so many others were not. 

When his palm made contact with Shepard's face, Kaidan sucked in a breath and his eyes widened slightly.  Not in revulsion, and not in judgement, but in surprise.  This was more intimate than having their bodies joined, and Shepard could see from his expression that Kaidan knew it.  The thumb just below his eye stroked back and forth, and Shepard closed his eyes, allowing the caress.  It soothed him even further, and he allowed himself to smile.  Kaidan shifted, and soft lips pressed against Shepard's forehead.

The peaceful moment was shattered by the slamming of a door at the front of the house.  Shepard stiffened and his eyes shot open.  Adrenaline flooded through his veins.

"Shhh, it's probably just Jack." The warmth of Kaidan’s hand was still seeping into Shepard's ruined skin, and his brown eyes were gentle.

His words were confirmed when Jack's shout reached them through the thin walls.  "You fuckers better be decent!"

Shepard forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out.  He nodded to let Kaidan know he was alright.  Then he smiled because Kaidan had known exactly what was wrong and had soothed him like a startled cat.  

Why did he find that sexy?  

When Jack's palm smacked the bedroom door he didn't jump, but he did lift his head slightly to glare at the thin wood panel.  Kaidan's hand slid away from his face and fell down to rest on his chest where his fingers traced the lines of ink etched in Shepard’s skin.  

"What?" Shepard yelled loud and sharp enough to let her know he was irritated with her.

"Put your dicks away and come out," she snapped back.  He could hear the undercurrent of amusement in her voice. She _knew_ she was interrupting something, and was thoroughly enjoying it.  He narrowed his eyes, and glared at the wooden barrier between them as he plotted his revenge.

After a moment Shepard sighed, and next to him Kaidan chuckled.  So much for spending a lazy day in bed with a naked man.  He had been rather looking forward to that.  Resignation permeated his words when he spoke.  "We'd better get dressed and see what she wants.  If we take too long, she'll come in here.  Trust me, I know from experience."

Kaidan nodded his understanding, but didn't move because he was trapped between Shepard and the wall.  Shepard rolled off the bed and stood, aware that dark eyes were following his every move.  He stretched his arms above his head, deliberately displaying himself until Kaidan’s gaze warmed.  Shepard winked at him, earning a growled promise for what he could expect later if he was going to be a tease.  

Because they hadn't stopped at the motel, Kaidan didn't have a change of clothes.  He was built thicker than Shepard, so he couldn't borrow a pair of jeans, but underwear and a t-shirt still worked for him.  As Kaidan was pulling his own jeans on, Shepard couldn't help the goofy grin that played across his lips at the idea that Kaidan was wearing his clothing again.  

The smile was still there when they finally emerged from his room, and it didn't slip in the slightest when he found Miranda sitting at the table with Jack. 

"Well," Miranda said dryly, her eyes bright with a knowing look.  "I guess last night was a success.  Hello, Kaidan."

Kaidan cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck.  "Hey, Miranda."

"I told you they were fucking," Jack said smugly.  She only laughed when Miranda smacked her in the shoulder.   


	26. Chapter 26

Kaidan lifted the last box out of the back of the delivery truck with a grunt.  It was just a short walk into the back of the Blue Sun to the storage room where he set his burden down.

Gabby glanced up, and made a note on her pad of paper.  "Is that it?" she asked as she wrote. 

"That's the last of it." Kaidan lifted his shoulder enough that he could wipe the moisture trickling from his temple on the cloth of his t-shirt.  The smell of sweat assailed him and he wrinkled his nose.  Everyone kept telling him that the weather would cool off any day now, but he had a hard time believing it at the moment.  Almost two months had passed since his arrival in Citadel and it was nearly October.  It should feel like summer was almost over, not in full swing.  "Joker's ready to go once you sign off on it."

Gabby nodded, still making notes.  "Let him know I'll be right out, would you?"

Kaidan jerked his head in a nod, and turned to go back outside.  Joker was up in the back of the truck, doing his own inventory.  "Gabby will be out in a minute," Kaidan said as he approached.

"Great." Joker’s tone was brusque as he walked over to the edge and accepted Kaidan’s outstretched hand to help him down.  He grunted when his feet hit the ground and straightened carefully.  "There's a storm coming in," he said as he rubbed at his thighs.  "I can feel it."

Joker had some kind of degenerative disease that made broken bones a common occurrence, but he refused to let that slow him down.  Kaidan admired him for it, although it made him wince when he realized some of those old breaks would be really sensitive to changes in air pressure.  His own shoulder would sometimes give him hell when a storm was coming in, but today he wasn’t feeling it.

"That would be nice." Kaidan glanced up at the completely cloudless sky.  Doubt niggled at him over the prediction, but he'd heard plenty about how fast the weather could change in desert areas.  "Especially if it cooled things down."

The heat didn't agree with him if he stayed out in it too long.  He'd had a few mild migraines recently and the heat exacerbated them.  They hadn't been bad enough to incapacitate him like the one he'd had the day he'd arrived in Citadel, and he'd been able to function, but they hadn't let up until he'd soaked in a cool bath at the end of each day.

Joker grabbed the bill of his hat to pull it off and wipe sweat off his own forehead, but he was grinning at Kaidan when he put it back on.  "Canadians can't handle the heat, huh?" he teased.

Kaidan snorted at him.  "Like you'd survive a Canadian winter," he pointed out.

"Touché," Joker said with a chuckle.  

Gabby came out of the back door of the door of the bar and handed a yellow sheet of paper to Joker.  "Thanks," she said brightly.  "That's the receipt and next week's order."

Joker accepted the paperwork and said his goodbyes, assuring Gabby that EDI still had plans to hang out with her on the weekend.  In short order he had the back of the truck securely closed and it was rumbling away.  Kaidan watched it go, squinting in the sunlight.  Once it was out of sight, he turned to Gabby.  "Do you need me for anything else?"

"No, I can handle the rest," she told him with a grateful smile.  "And Ken should be here soon, so I'll have him doing the heavy lifting."  Ken was her boyfriend, and he was normally the one she called for help with the weekly shipments, but since Kaidan had started working for Zaeed, she'd called him instead. 

Kaidan didn't mind.  It was his day off, but working only part time left him plenty of available hours in the day.  Gabby insisted that she was fine, so he waved to her before walking over to where his bike was parked.  He raked his fingers back through his hair before pulling his helmet on, and retied it in a small ponytail at the back of his neck.  He still hadn't gotten it cut.  Shepard seemed to like it, so he let it grow.  

It was a short ride back to the motel where he was still staying.  Jack thought he was being an idiot for not moving in with them, especially with as much time as Kaidan spent at the house with Shepard, but he was just old-fashioned enough that he wanted to have his own space for a while.  Moving in with each other was a big step.  

Besides, the motel bed was larger than Shepard's bed and had a lot more privacy than they got at the house.  Shepard spent quite a bit of time there with Kaidan too.  Omega's owner, Aria, had worked out a deal with Kaidan and he was renting the room there for about the same as it would cost him for a studio apartment.  He felt like it was a good deal, even if he did have to deal with Bray on a daily basis.  Kaidan wasn't sure that man would warm up to anyone.  

Once he was back at the motel, Kaidan packed up his clothes and the ones he'd borrowed from Shepard into a canvas bag.  He had to do laundry often because he still didn't have a lot of clothes.  Shepard would probably let him use his washer and dryer, but Kaidan liked going to the laundromat because every once in a while he'd run into Tali and he liked talking to her.

She was there today, and Kaidan smiled as he walked in.  Of course she was fixing something again.  The place belonged to her father, and he wasn't always ready to put out cash to replace things when he had a daughter who was handy with fixing the machines.  

"Hey, Tali," he said as he walked over to a washer.  "What's broken this time?"

She was standing near one of the huge dryers that was big enough to crawl into, glaring down at what looked like a small motor in her hands.  She grumbled a Russian curse before lifting it for him to see.  "The usual," she said on a sigh.  "Old parts burning out.  This thing is scrap."  She walked over to greet him properly, giving him a quick hug.  "I blame it on you, you know."

Kaidan lifted a brow at her?  "Me?" The word was tinged with both amusement and disbelief.

Tali reached up and adjusted the bright red scarf she had wrapped around her head today.  Kaidan had seen her short silky black hair on the few occasions he'd joined her and Garrus for dinner, but she always kept it covered when she left the house.  "Yes, you." She poked him in the chest with a finger.  "You're in here all the time, wearing out my machines."

He knew she was still teasing by the way her pale eyes glittered at him, and he laughed.  "Maybe I should get more clothes so I don't have to wash them as often.”  He'd been thinking about it anyway.  Every day he spent in Citadel made him more and more sure that he was going to be staying permanently.  Between his relationship with Shepard and the new friends he was making, thoughts of going back to Vancouver were few and far between.

Tali plucked at the t-shirt he was wearing.  It was one of Shepard's, and it fit him snugly.  The words Citadel Auto-Repair printed across the front were stretched  "While I like the tight shirt look on you," she said brightly.  "You could use a little variety.  Plus you'll need something warm for winter."

Remembering how hot it was outside, Kaidan chuckled.  "If you ever have winter here."

Tali grinned.  She had family in Russia and spent part of the year there visiting, so she knew exactly how Kaidan felt about winter this far south.  They both knew it couldn't hold a candle to what they'd experienced.  "You'll probably be good with a few good sweaters.  Maybe a thick hoodie.”

They chatted for a few minutes, but then she had to get back to work.  Kaidan settled down to read while he waited then headed back to the hotel when his clothes were clean and dry.  The room he was staying in had a dresser in it, and his clothes only took up the top drawer.  He really did need more things to wear.  

A glance at the clock was all it took for him to put that idea on hold.  Shepard would be closing up shop right about now, and they were having a barbeque with a few friends.  He jumped in the shower to wash away the sweat he'd worked up moving boxes for Gabby, then dressed in a newly laundered pair of jeans and one of his own t-shirts.  

Shepard was pulling the garage doors down when Kaidan got there.  The sound of Kaidan's bike caught his attention, and he smiled over his shoulder at him.  He had both doors closed and was walking over just as Kaidan turned the engine off.  Shepard caught him around the waist once he'd dismounted the bike and pulled him close for a kiss of greeting.

Just like most kisses they shared when no one was looking it was anything but short and friendly.  Desire lanced through Kaidan when Shepard's tongue invaded his mouth, and for the space of a minute he forgot anything but the taste and scent of the man holding him close.  

"Hey," Shepard said softly when he finally broke the kiss.  He bumped his forehead against Kaidan’s gently, and the scars near his eyes crinkled with his smile.

"Hey," Kaidan echoed, unable to stop his answering grin.

They separated at the sound of boots clomping through gravel.  Jack came around the side of the garage.  She gave them a suspicious look, but didn't comment on whatever it was she was thinking.  "Hey guys.  I'm going to go pick up Miranda, and then we're going to head to the store."

No one talked about the fact that Jack and Miranda were spending more time together lately, or the fact that they were obviously more than friends with benefits.  Kaidan wondered when Shepard would start teasing Jack about it, but so far he hadn’t.  He suspected it was because he didn’t want to disturb the budding relationship.

Jack waved to them without another word and started across the street.  Shepard watched her for a moment, eyes warm, then turned to Kaidan and grinned wickedly.  "We have time for a quickie," he said in a low voice, almost a purr.  

"Well, then what are we waiting for?" Kaidan laughed when Shepard snagged his hand and pulled him towards the house.

Once they were inside, their mouths met again in a fierce kiss, but Shepard pulled back after only a few seconds.  He stepped back and held up his grease stained hands.  "Shit, I'm sorry."

Kaidan laughed.  Shepard's hands had just been cupping his face, and he probably had oil smeared on his skin now.  "I just got out of the shower," he complained, but there was no real censure in his voice.

Shepard grimaced.  "I'm sorry," he repeated.  His blue eyes dropped down to Kaidan's clothes.  He nudged Kaidan so that he could see his back, and then sighed in relief.  "At least I didn't get it all over you.  Just your face."

Kaidan rolled his eyes and shooed at Shepard until he led the way to the kitchen where he began scrubbing his hands.  Kaidan stopped in the bathroom and washed the black smudges off his skin in front of the mirror before he joined Shepard.  "It wouldn't have mattered if you'd gotten grease on my clothes," Kaidan said as he came up beside Shepard.  "I'm planning on buying some more."

Shepard was on his second wash, and the soap was only slightly tinged grey.  "Tired of wearing my t-shirts?" He flashed Kaidan a teasing smile.

"We're not the same size," Kaidan pointed out.  "Plus, I've really only got enough clothes for five days.  And as Tali pointed out to me earlier today, I’ll need some warmer things to wear soon."

Hands finally as clean as they were going to get, Shepard began drying them as he turned to Kaidan.  "That's a good idea.  There's a department store in Thessia."

Thessia was a larger town about an hour north, and it was where most of Citadel's residents went if they needed anything that wasn't carried in the local mercantile.  Kaidan hadn't been there yet, but he'd heard it referred to several times.  "How about we go tomorrow?" Kaidan suggested.  "I don't have to work, and- Matt?  What's wrong?"

Shepard had stiffened, and his eyes unfocused.  Kaidan watched his pupils contract and knew that was not a good sign.  "I... I'd rather not," His words were slightly slurred as if he had something in his mouth.

Kaidan had seen this before.  It was a mild panic attack.  It didn't seem to happen often, but Kaidan recognized the signs now.  He took Shepard's hand and began massaging his fingers.  It was a trick that Jack had told him about, and it seemed to center the other man, calming him down.  Hiding his disappointment, Kaidan smiled reassuringly.  "You don't have to go.  But can I borrow your truck?  Bringing stuff home on a bike will be tough."

His words didn't seem to make Shepard feel any better.  The taller man's face fell and he looked out the window over the sink.  "Yeah, no problem," His voice was flat.

"Hey," Kaidan reached up and turned Shepard's face back to him.  "It's alright."  

Shepard's face scrunched up in disgust.  "I hate this," he muttered through gritted teeth.  

"Hate what?" Kaidan prompted when Shepard didn't say anything more.  He had an idea of what was wrong, but he was going to be patient until Shepard was willing to talk about it.

Staring down at his hand in Kaidan's, Shepard spoke.  "This fear.  I can't stand it, but I can't make it stop."

In a way, Kaidan understood.  Every time he'd popped a pill he'd hate himself, but he couldn’t make himself stop.  And then one day he'd been so angry with himself that he'd made the irrational decision to take a whole bottle at once in an attempt to get rid of them.  Obviously, flushing them would have been the smarter and safer thing to do, but there had been more than anger in his actions.  He didn't want to think about that night, so he focused all of his attention on Shepard.  "It's not unusual for people to come home from war with-"

He cut off because Shepard was shaking his head.  "You didn't know me before." Kaidan could hear the anger in his voice now.  "There's a reason James calls me Loco.  My reputation?  I earned that by being a stupid kid who wasn't afraid of the consequences.  But now I can't walk down an unfamiliar street without having a panic attack."

Kaidan knew a little more about Shepard's past now.  Now that they were dating, people were more than willing to tell him every dirty detail if he asked.  On top of the crazy driving, Shepard had been known to take any dare he was given, including flashing everyone during his high school graduation ceremony.  That story was Kaidan's favorite, especially because Shepard had flushed bright red when James had told it.  Even though he hadn't known Shepard long at that point, Kaidan had already figured out that Shepard wasn't easily embarrassed.

"I don't think taking a few dares when you were a kid is quite the same thing as war," Kaidan said slowly.  "You know, I was a cop for six years before I ever had to use my gun?"  He paused, and Shepard nodded.  "I only shot the guy in the leg, but after we had him cuffed and in the car, I lost it.  Puked all over my shoes."

Shepard chuckled.  The sound was strained, but he was beginning to look calmer.  "That's sexy."

"Oh yeah," Kaidan agreed, grinning.  Some of the light had come back to Shepard's eyes, which lifted his own spirits.  But his smile faded, and he continued.  "And when I killed that mugger... I didn't handle that very well either."

Shepard studied him for a moment before twisting his hands until he was holding Kaidan’s.  He started returning the massage, and Kaidan had to admit it was a very calming trick.

"My point is," Kaidan continued.  "War is hard, and you went through some shit I can't even imagine.  But you're handling it better than I handled my own problems."

"Kaidan-" Shepard stopped when Kaidan held up a hand.

"Don't worry about it, alright?" Kaidan said.  He didn't want the conversation to turn to his own issues right now.  He cupped Shepard's scarred cheek and brushed his thumb over the ridged skin.  "You'll get there.  And in the mean time, I'm a big boy and I can take a shopping trip on my own."

Shepard's bright blue eyes were hooded as he considered what Kaidan said.  Finally he smiled slightly and turned his head to nuzzle Kaidan's palm.  "You're welcome to borrow my truck for the trip," he murmured.  He started nibbling the skin under his mouth.

Kaidan inhaled, pulling in Shepard's scent.  He quickly forgot what they'd been talking about when Shepard took his thumb in his mouth and sucked softly.  He made a soft noise, and blue eyes flashed at him in invitation.  "How long until Jack gets back do you think?" Kaidan asked.

"Long enough," Shepard growled.  He grabbed Kaidan's hand and dragged him to the bedroom.

Normandy was in there, sleeping on Shepard's pillow.  She blinked her mismatched eyes at them, and vacated the room quickly, making them both laugh as they fell down together on the mattress.

It turned out they had just enough time.  They were barely catching their breath, limbs still entangled when they heard the front door open and voices along with it.  They dressed easily since they hadn't taken time to get completely naked.

Jack took one look at them when they exited the room, and rolled her eyes dramatically.  Miranda and Ashley were with her, and neither of them attempted to hide their smiles.  Kaidan’s cheeks warmed, but Shepard’s smile was pure _cat-with-the-cream._

 


	27. Chapter 27

Shepard's eyes opened to find just a hint of dim morning light coming in through his window.  His dreams had been unnerving, but their memory was already fading.  The warm body pressing against his back and the strong arm around his waist had a much higher priority for his attention.  Turning his head slightly, he looked at the bedside clock.  He still had another ten minutes before he needed to get up.  The alarm was set because they'd gone to bed late after the barbeque.  Normally it was rare for him to need it since he was a morning person, but after last night’s party he hadn’t wanted to chance sleeping in.  He reached out and turned it off, jostling Kaidan slightly.  

"Morning already?" Kaidan mumbled against Shepard’s shoulder.  His arms tightened around Shepard’s waist to pull him closer.  One of his knees slid between Shepard’s legs, entangling them even further.

"Close enough," Shepard answered quietly.  He allowed Kaidan to cuddle him close, smiling at the burn of beard stubble against his skin when Kaidan nuzzled him.

Kaidan grunted, and after a moment his breathing evened back out as he fell back to sleep.  Shepard grinned into the darkness.  The other man was definitely not a morning person.  He’d asked Kaidan once how he’d managed to get up for work every day, and the answer had been _copious amounts of nagging and coffee._   

Very carefully, Shepard extracted himself from Kaidan’s tenuous grip and got up to stretch.  When he looked down at Kaidan he chuckled softly when he saw that Normandy was curled up behind his knees.  She was looking up through half lidded eyes, and started purring when he reached down to rub the top of her head and stroke her ears.  Kaidan was once again oblivious to the world, although he did roll onto his stomach and bury his face in Shepard’s pillow.

Shepard pulled on a pair of shorts and left the room, careful to stay quiet and not disturb his boyfriend any further.  Following his normal morning ritual, he started the coffee pot then headed to the bathroom for a shower.  By the time he was finished, Jack was in the kitchen sipping at her first cup.  They talked quietly, mostly about their plans for the day.  Shepard loved Jack, but he liked her best early in the morning.  She was always less prickly at that time.

When Jack's bedroom door opened and Miranda stepped out, Shepard fell silent.  He grinned at her.  "Morning, Miri," he said, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice.  Both women gave him baleful looks, and he laughed.

Very pointedly ignoring him, Miranda stepped close to Jack and placed a short kiss on her lips.  "I'll see you later?" she asked.  

"You bet" Jack’s voice was gruff as if she were trying to be stern, but her lips still twitched up in a smile.

Once Miranda was gone, Shepard lifted an eyebrow at Jack as he sipped his coffee.  They'd been in a secret off and on relationship for years, but this was the first time he'd ever seen a public display of affection, much less witnessed Miranda leaving.  She usually snuck out before he woke up to catch them together.

"Shut your damn mouth," Jack snapped.

He refrained from pointing out that he hadn't said anything.  He even managed to keep a straight expression as he sat his empty coffee mug in the sink.  But his grin broke out as soon as he made it out of the house.  He managed to hide it again by the time Jack joined him.  There was no need to antagonize her, even if the idea to give her a taste of her own medicine was tempting.  

A little over an hour later, Shepard was popping the hood on Garrus' cruiser so he could check the fluids for its standard scheduled maintenance when Kaidan walked into the garage.  His hair was damp from a shower, curls falling down over his forehead and framing his ears.  He was also wearing one of Shepard's shirts again.  That sight always made Shepard's chest feel tight with pleasure.

"Morning," Kaidan said as he approached the car.  "You know you didn't have to let me sleep."

Shepard straightened to accept a short kiss, and smiled.  "You looked so peaceful.  I didn't have the heart to wake you."

Kaidan smiled back at him, making the small scars below his mouth more visible.  "Well, thanks." His voice, low and husky, made Shepard wonder briefly if he knew that he sounded like pure sex in the morning.  "But next time, wake me."

That wasn't going to happen, but Shepard smiled and nodded.  "Are you still planning on going to Thessia?" He leaned back under the cruiser's hood and removed the dipstick to check the oil.  

"Yeah.”

Shepard leaned further under the hood and pulled the cap off the tank that held the coolant overflow.  He cast a mischievous glance at Kaidan.  "Keys are in my pocket," he said, pretending he was too busy to grab them himself.

He was rewarded with a chuckle.  Even better, Kaidan stepped up behind him, leaning his hips forward until he was pressed firmly against Shepard's thighs.  His hand slipped into Shepard's pocket stroking his hip through the cloth before slowly pulling the keys out.

Kaidan didn't move away immediately.  Shepard straightened, careful not to hit his head on the cruiser's hood.  Strong arms came around his stomach and Kaidan set his chin on his shoulder.  "I could go later, and you could come with me," Kaidan said softly.

Shepard sighed.  He wanted to go, he really did.  And at the moment, the idea didn't seem too bad.  When Kaidan had mentioned the trip yesterday his heartbeat had immediately spiked and he'd felt the edges of his vision blur as panic tried to overtake him.  There were none of the symptoms of a panic attack now, but he didn't want to risk it.  "Maybe next time," he murmured.

He meant that.  One of the common treatments for his condition was to expose himself to things that bothered him.  Doctor Chakwas had suggested taking friends with him on small trips, gradually going further and further and expanding his comfort zone.  Going to Thessia with Kaidan would probably be good for him.  He just needed more time to pep talk himself into it.

The arms around his middle tightened slightly, and warm lips pressed against the scar on the back of his neck.  "Alright," Kaidan said.  "I'll see you when I get back then."

Shepard turned in Kaidan's arms so they could share a proper kiss.  It was soft and nearly chaste, but it still sent warm flowing through him.  Not the heat of lust, but a simple burning around his heart.  He watched as Kaidan walked out of the garage, and waited until he heard the engine roar to life before he went back to work on the cruiser.

His mind was only half on his work.  Would it really have been so bad to go to Thessia?  It wasn't that far away, and it was a place he was very familiar with, having gone there for shopping trips during his entire childhood.  But it wasn't home, and that's where he felt like he needed to be.  

Mostly, he was irritated with himself for being unable to deal with his own brain’s illogical responses to things that had never bothered him before that hellish day in Afghanistan.  He _knew_ there was nothing to be afraid of.  He _knew_ he was half a planet away from gun battles and roadside bombs.  But he also knew that agoraphobia was not something that could be easily defeated by logic.

One of the spark plugs fell off the ratchet when he tried to pull it free and clanged its way down into the engine.  By the sound it made, he knew it hadn’t found its way through to the floor.  Shepard cursed and leaned down to see if it had fallen somewhere he could reach it easily.  

“Mm, with an ass like that it’s no wonder Kaidan is sticking around.”

Shepard rolled his eyes, but didn’t stop searching for the spark plug.  “I didn’t know you swung that way, Garrus,” he grunted as he leaned down further.  “If I’d known sooner, I would have given Tali a run for her money.”

Garrus chuckled and stepped up beside the car.  “You’ll never be as pretty as my wife,” he said.  “Lose something?”

Shepard finally looked up at his friend.  “How come you’re back so soon?  I told you it would be ready this afternoon.”

“Slow day.” Garrus shrugged.  “And I was hoping I’d find Kaidan awake by now.”

Straightening, Shepard looked at Garrus curiously.  “Okay,” he said slowly.  

Garrus looked down at the engine of his car.  “Seriously, though.  Did you lose something in there?”

Shepard snorted and rolled his eyes.  Despite the seriousness of Garrus’ tone, he knew there wasn’t anything wrong.  Garrus would have gotten to the point already if that were the case.  He walked over to his tool bench and grabbed a telescoping magnet.  He’d caught sight of the spark plug, and if Garrus was going to drag this out, he was at least going to get some work done.  “Nothing important,” Shepard answered as he walked back to the cruiser.  He bent over the engine again and went after the piece with the magnet.  “So… Kaidan?”

“Is he around?”

“He went to Thessia,” Shepard said.  He grinned triumphantly when he pulled the spark plug free of the engine.  He dropped the piece in his palm and showed it to Garrus.  “See?  No big deal.”

Garrus eyed him suspiciously.  “That’s not an important piece?”

“Naw,” Shepard grinned.  He bounced the spark plug on his palm twice then stuck it in one of his pockets.  Grabbing his ratchet, he went back to pulling the rest of them out.

“Uh huh,” Garrus’ tone was skeptical.  “So do you know when Kaidan is going to be back?”

Shepard opened his mouth to answer, but it occurred to him that he didn’t know.  His stomach twisted and it took him several heartbeats to remember to breath.  He should have asked.  Why hadn’t he asked?  It took him a moment to realize Garrus was talking again.

“... seems like he’s going to be around for a while, and Wrex was thinking about asking him if he wanted to take a job at the station.  With his experience, he would be an asset.”

Shepard told himself to inhale and exhale twice, slow and steady, before he stood up.  It took an effort, but he made himself stop thinking about Kaidan and pay attention to Garrus.  “Really?  But you said it was a slow day.  Why are you looking to hire?”

“Wrex is going to retire eventually,” Garrus pointed out.  “And one more ass in a cruiser certainly won’t hurt until then.”  He seemed to notice that something was wrong and he frowned at Shepard.  “Are you okay?  You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” Shepard forced a small smile.  He’d been worse.  A few breathing exercises would probably level him back out.  He gestured at the cruiser.  “I’ll be done with this in a few hours.  I’m sure Kaidan will be back by then.  He’s just picking up some new clothes.”

Garrus let out a little grunt of acknowledgement.  “Alright, I’ll let you get back to work.”  He looked toward the diner and his eyes glimmered happily.  “Guess I’ll just have to find a way to occupy myself.”

Shepard’s smile loosened into something more genuine.  “You’re lucky you have Tali,” he said.  “She’ll still love you when you’re all gut from eating too much.”

“Yeah yeah,” Garrus grumbled, but he took off in the direction of the diner anyway.

Once he was alone, Shepard went back to work, but it was difficult to concentrate.  He couldn’t stop thinking about Kaidan.  He had no idea why it was bothering him so badly that he didn’t know how long he’d be gone for.  

He really should have asked.

He concentrated on his breathing.   _In through the mouth, out through the nose.  In through the nose, out through the mouth._  It helped a little, but he still felt out of focus, so he started counting silently by fours, which seemed to make a larger difference.

By the time he’d finished working on the cruiser and Garrus had come to pick it up, Kaidan still hadn’t returned.  He’d left around nine in the morning and it was just after lunch.  How long would it take him to buy a few clothes, anyway?

Anxiety began creeping in on him again despite the calming exercises, and his hands began to shake.  When he fumbled and dropped his ratchet, he began cursing.  Jack gave him a curious look, but apparently realized he wasn’t in the mood for the sharp side of her tongue, so she wisely kept quiet.  Frustrated, he stalked out of the garage and into the house.  Sensing that something was wrong, Normandy followed him into his room and hopped up on the bed next to him when he sat down.  He petted her absently when she butted her head against his shoulder, and the softness of her fur under his palm relaxed him slightly.  Enough to think a little more clearly.

He could call Kaidan.  It was a simple solution, and he was irritated with himself that he hadn’t thought of it before.  It might have saved him the last few hours of listening to his own heart pounding in his ears.  He moved Normandy, who’d crawled into his lap and was trying to rub her face against his, and reached for the phone on his bedside table.  He dialed Kaidan’s cell, and waited impatiently for each ring.

Just before voicemail would have picked up, there was click and Kaidan answered.  “Matt?”

His voice was hoarse, and just above a whisper.  The anxiety that Shepard had managed to ignore suddenly ratcheted up.  “Kaidan?  What’s wrong?”

“Shhh,” Kaidan whispered.  “Migraine.”

 _Oh shit._  Careful to keep his voice low, Shepard asked “Where are you?”

“Lying in the back of the truck.  Can’t drive.”

Shepard had seen Kaidan work through a migraine several times during the last weeks.  This one must be bad if Kaidan was afraid to drive.  “I’ll come get you.”

Kaidan actually chuckled.  “How?”

“I can take your bike.”

“I’ve got the keys,” Kaidan pointed out.

“I’m a mechanic,” Shepard said, a little indignantly.  “And a delinquent.  I know how to borrow a motorcycle without keys.”

Another raspy chuckle.  “Well, I guess if you break my baby, you can always fix it, right?”

Shepard was already on his feet.  “I’ll be there soon.”

Starting Kaidan’s bike without keys was simple, and Shepard was on the road within a matter of minutes.  During the ride, there was no anxiety over leaving his comfort zone, although it wasn’t something he really registered.  His thoughts were occupied by how he was going to get Kaidan home without making his headache worse.  He’d grabbed a bottle of Excedrin before he left, but he already knew Kaidan would refuse to take them. 

On some level he understood Kaidan’s fear of backsliding, but he thought Kaidan was taking things a bit too far by refusing over the counter drugs, and it frustrated him.  He wouldn’t push, though.  He would make the offer, and if it was refused then Kaidan would suffer the consequences.

But Shepard really hated to see him suffer.  

Once in Thessia, it was easy to find his truck.  With its size and paint job, it stood out.  Plus there were only a few department stores on Main Street to search.  He stopped the bike behind his truck, turning the engine off quickly so it wouldn’t aggravate Kaidan’s headache. 

He looked in the back of the truck and found Kaidan curled up with his head hidden under the blanket from the emergency kit.  “Kaidan?”

The corner of the blanket lifted, and Kaidan squinted at him.  “Hey, Matt,” he said with a pained smile.  

It suddenly occurred to Shepard that it would be a problem if Kaidan couldn’t sit up in the front seat because he wasn’t going to want to leave his bike behind.  He opened his mouth to say something, but Kaidan beat him to it by sitting up with a groan. 

“I’ll help you with that,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Kaidan you don’t have to-” Shepard started, but cut off when Kaidan gave him an amused sideways look.

“You think you’ll get it in here by yourself?” Kaidan asked.  “You’re strong, but not _that_ strong.”  

Shepard gave in with a sigh.  Kaidan was right of course, but that didn’t make him feel any better.  Especially since he could see the pinching around Kaidan’s eyes and mouth, unmistakable for anything other than pain.  

Kaidan remained stoic while they wrestled the bike into the truck but when the tailgate clanged shut, he hissed and gripped his head with one hand.  Shepard moved close to him and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly.  

Kaidan rested his forehead on Shepard’s chest.  “Get me home.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

It hurt to look at Kaidan, it was so obvious that he was in pain.  Shepard cast glances at him every few minutes on the drive home, and the anxiety he’d felt before flared up inside him again.  Shifting in his seat, he dug into his pocket and pulled out the bottle of Excedrin he’d brought.  He held it out to Kaidan.  “Here, take a couple.”

Kaidan had his head leaned back on the seat and a hand over his eyes, but he peeked out from under his palm to see what Shepard was offering.  When he saw the pill bottle, he covered his eyes again.  “No, I’m good.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard sighed.  “It’s just Excedrin.”

“No,” Kaidan muttered.

“Dammit Kaidan,” Shepard snapped, then winced and lowered his tone.  “You’re not going to get hooked on it.  It’s going to help.”

Kaidan lifted his fingers and pinned Shepard with a hard stare.  His brown eyes were bloodshot, and the skin around them was pale and tight.  “It’s not going to help.  It never helps.”

“It has to be better than nothing,” Shepard argued.

Kaidan glared at him.  “The only thing that will help is Percocet.  That stuff,” he gestured at the bottle Shepard still held out to him, “won’t even take the edge off.”

Shepard ground his teeth at Kaidan’s stubbornness.  He took a deep breath to calm himself down so he wouldn’t snap at him again, then he gave Kaidan a pleading look.  “Please, take some.  You look like you’re dying.”  His voice broke on the last word.

“You know what?” Kaidan snapped.  “I actually know what dying feels like.  On a stomach full of pills it doesn’t hurt at all.  In fact it felt pretty good.”

Kaidan’s words were like a punch in the gut for Shepard.  He’d never asked Kaidan to tell him more about the overdose.  It had only come up that night they went up to the hotsprings.  Kaidan had sounded normal then, like he was reciting a list of events that had happened to someone else.  This time though, there was something in his voice that scared Shepard.  “You did it on purpose didn’t you?” He dropped the hand holding the pill bottle in his lap.

“Yes.” Kaidan’s voice was dull again.  His hand went back over his eyes and he leaned his head back against the seat.  

“Things were that bad?”

“Yes.”

A lump rose in Shepard’s throat.  If Kaidan had succeeded, they never would have met, and Shepard wouldn’t have known any different.  But he’d become very attached, very quickly, and the idea of losing Kaidan now… well it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  He glanced down at the bottle in his hand, then turned his attention back to the road.  “I’m glad it didn’t work,” he said softly. 

After a moment, strong fingers gripped his wrist.  Shepard glanced at Kaidan to find him smiling.  He still looked like hell, but the smile was warm and full of affection.  “Me too,” Kaidan said.  Then he chuckled.  Then winced, but the smile didn’t fade.  “And before you let that go to your head, it’s not just because of you.”

Shepard returned the smile.  He was glad to know that Kaidan was happy to be alive just for the sake of being alive.  “I’ll be sure to stay humble.”

They fell silent, but Kaidan kept his fingers wrapped around Shepard’s wrist.  The warmth of his skin comforted Shepard, and he hoped the feeling went both ways. 

After several miles, Kaidan let out a whimper.  Shepard glanced at him to find him curling in on himself.  He bit his lip to keep himself from begging Kaidan to take the pills again.  He pushed his foot down on the gas pedal harder.  If he couldn’t get Kaidan to take some medication, then he was going to at least get him home and comfortable.


	28. Chapter 28

By the time they reached Citadel, Kaidan was convinced that his head was going to fall off.  Shepard had handed him a pair of sunglasses to wear on the ride home, but he didn't feel like they were doing him any good, although he knew that if he took them off he'd regret it.  The noise and vibration of the truck's engine had wormed their way into his brain, and of course the argument he'd had with Shepard hadn't helped either.

Part of him was irritated as hell with Shepard for the whole thing.  He knew Kaidan didn't like to take medication of any kind.  And he had no room to be pushy about it since he wouldn't take his own prescriptions to help with his anxiety.  Kaidan had come across the bottles of pills a few weeks ago, and Shepard had admitted that he didn't like how they made him feel.  He only kept them around for emergencies, just like Kaidan kept his pain killers around for the same reason.  This migraine was no worse than the one he'd had his first day in Citadel and he'd survived that without taking anything, so clearly this wasn't an emergency.  

The part of him that wasn’t irritated with Shepard, was pretty damn fond of him right now.  It had been a very long time since anyone had worried this badly over his headaches.

Shepard's bright blue eyes narrowed with concern whenever he looked in Kaidan's direction.  Every time the truck hit a bump in the road he winced.  Kaidan could practically hear Shepard telling himself to keep his mouth shut about the pills.  

Kaidan felt guilty about how he’d snapped, revealing something he’d never told anyone else.  But he also felt relieved to have it out there.  And Shepard had been horrified; it was clear in his expression.  Kaidan had expected a lecture.  A grand speech about how life was too precious to throw away, _blah blah blah._

Instead he’d received comfort.  Shepard’s simple words _I’m glad it didn’t work_ , spoken so softly that Kaidan almost hadn’t caught them had caught him off guard.

It had been very nice to hear.

Kaidan sighed and leaned his forehead against window.  The glass was cool, and it helped ease some of the ache as it seeped into his skin.  Closing his eyes against the passing scenery he tried to ignore the consistent pulse of pain.  It didn't escape his notice that the truck had accelerated, and they were very probably going over the speed limit.  Kaidan appreciated that.  Getting home quickly was a good idea.  He needed to lie on his stomach in a dark, quiet room with a cool cloth on the back of his neck.

The headache had surprised him, coming on quicker than usual.  He'd started seeing halos while he was shopping and it had quickly escalated into tunnel vision.  He’d ignored it, though, buying at least another two weeks of clothing, including some warmer things for the upcoming change in seasons.  By the time he'd reached the truck he was feeling exhausted and couldn't see very well.  The pain hadn't started yet, but he suspected it would be pretty bad.  

Hoping that a nap would help, he'd crawled in the back of the truck and attempted to sleep.  Unfortunately that hadn’t worked and he'd been wide awake and trying to breath through the thumping at the base of his skull when his phone began to ring.  He'd been relieved to hear Shepard's voice, and had been more than grateful to have him come to the rescue.

When they pulled into the carport behind Shepard's garage twenty minutes later, Kaidan lifted his head and looked over to see Shepard still gripping the bottle of Excedrin in his fist, hard enough that his knuckles were going white.  

Kaidan smiled a little.  Shepard still wanted him to take the pills, but he wasn’t pushing.  The idea of putting those pills in his mouth and swallowing them made Kaidan nauseous.  He hadn’t been clean for very long.  He had no idea how easy it would be for him to backslide into addiction, and he was not willing to take a risk.  He just needed a little more time.  

The engine turned off Kaidan sighed in relief at the sudden silence.  He sat up straight, and moved to get out of the truck.  The drop to the ground was short, but he was feeling a little wobbly.  He tried to shut the door quietly, but the clang still made him wince.  

Shepard came around the side of the truck, and wrapped his arm around Kaidan's waist, nudging him in the direction of the house.  "I hope you don't mind that I brought you here," he said quietly once they were inside and in Shepard's bedroom.  "I didn't want to leave you alone."

Kaidan looked up at the taller man, and his breath caught in his throat at the look Shepard was giving him.  His eyes were wide, and he kept biting his upper lip, turning it red from the abuse.  He was _truly_ concerned.   _Do I look that bad?_ Kaidan thought.  Rahna had never looked at him quite like the way Shepard was now, but then again he would have taken his medications when he felt a migraine coming on.  She'd never seen him going without.  

Wanting to reassure Shepard, Kaidan smiled.  "I'm glad.  Besides, this place already feels like home."

That brought a smile to Shepard's lips even if his eyes were still worried.  "Really?" 

Kaidan would have laughed if he weren't afraid of how much it would hurt.  Shepard sounded like a little boy who was told he was getting a present.  "Yes, really." He sighed again as Shepard helped him remove his boots, and then covered him with a sheet when he lay back on the bed.

Shepard sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over him to kiss him softly.  "Good," he sat up again, then reached out and began running the tips of his fingers in small circles around Kaidan's forehead and closed eyes.  "Is this okay?"

It was more than okay.  Kaidan felt the tightness around his eyes loosen slightly.  He could still feel his heartbeat at the base of his skull, but that small caress felt marvelous.  "Mhm."

He relaxed into the mattress, comfortable despite it's small size.  It was firm without being hard, and the sheets held Shepard's scent which relaxed him even more as he breathed it in.  When they shared the bed it was cramped, but Kaidan didn't mind because Shepard would curl into him and even in the heat of summer, that felt nice.  He remembered his king size bed in his condo back in Vancouver and he smiled.  They would probably gravitate toward each other even if they did have all that space.

"What's that look for?" Shepard was using both hands now, his fingers hooked around the back of Kaidan's neck, and his thumbs pressing gently against his temples. 

The pressure Shepard applied was sometimes too little, sometimes too much.  Kaidan held back a groan, afraid it would cause him to stop massaging.  "Just imagining what it would be like to see you spread out in a bigger bed," he answered with a hint of mischief in his tone.  That wasn't exactly true, but his sense of humor was resurfacing under Shepard’s ministrations.  

"Naughty," Shepard chuckled softly.  

"You bring it out in me," Kaidan accused, but he was smiling.  A groan finally escaped him when Shepard's fingers dug gently into the area where the pain seemed the worst.  "That feels good."

Strong fingers continued to press against the back of his head and neck, and Kaidan fell silent.  The massage felt wonderful, but he could tell that the headache would rage back up once it stopped.  He sucked in a deep breath and sighed.  Opening his eyes slightly he met Shepard's eyes in the dim light of the room.  His voice held obvious resignation when he spoke.  "I'll take a couple of those pills.”

Shepard's fingers froze for a second, then resumed what they were doing.  "Are you sure?"

Kaidan chuckled.  After the way Shepard had argued earlier, _now_ he was asking if Kaidan was sure?  "Yes.  Just two."

"Ok. I'll be right back," Shepard’s fingers slipped out of Kaidan's hair, and he got up and left the room.  

When the door opened Normandy slipped through and hopped up on the bed.  Her whiskers tickled Kaidan's face when she sniffed at him, and he reached up to pet her.  The soft rumble of her purr started almost immediately, and she settled herself in the space between his chin and shoulder.  Her silken fur against his jaw made him smile.

Shepard returned a few minutes later with a glass of water.  Normandy gave them both an irritated look when Kaidan sat up to accept it.  When Shepard placed two white tablets in his palm, he stared down at them for a moment.

Fear clawed at him.  He knew they were just over the counter meds, and he wouldn't become addicted.  But what if he became immune to their effects and had to start taking stronger and stronger doses until he worked his way back up to using prescriptions again?  He didn't want to go back to that.

His stomach roiled uneasily, and his fingers twitched with the need to throw the pills away.

But he was aware of what had  led him down that path now.  He knew what to watch for.  And he was only taking them for his headache, not for the heartache he'd been suffering from when Rahna left him.  The worry that he would become too dependent on Shepard for his happiness was niggling in the back of his mind, but he pushed it away.  Shepard wasn't the reason he'd forced himself to detox.  He'd done it for himself.  

With that thought in mind, Kaidan popped the pills in his mouth and drank down the glass of water.  Shepard took the empty glass and set it on the bedside table as Kaidan settled back against the pillows.  Normandy cuddled close to his shoulder again, and he let out a long slow breath.  "Thanks, Matt.  For taking care of me when I'm too stubborn to take care of myself."

Shepard's fingers came back to his face, stroking softly.  "Anytime."

Eventually the edges of Kaidan's pain softened.  He reached up to wrap his fingers around Shepard's wrist.  "Lie down with me.”

His request was immediately answered with Shepard shifting Normandy out of his way and curling up against Kaidan's side.  Kaidan liked that, a lot. Shepard was warm and solid against him, and his breath warmed the skin of Kaidan’s neck.  It was comforting to have him there.  It made him happy that Shepard had been worried enough to come get him especially when he wouldn't normally have left Citadel.

Feeling sleepy, but not quite enough to fall asleep, Kaidan ran his fingers over Shepard’s back in small random patterns while he thought about how difficult it must have been to come get him in Thessia.  

Shepard's agoraphobia was strange.  He wasn't afraid of open spaces, and he didn't have a set comfort zone.  He'd explained to Kaidan that he only had problems with unfamiliar places and crowds of strangers.  When he'd lived in Denver it had been difficult for him to leave his apartment, even to see his therapist.  Coming home to Citadel had made a huge difference for him, and he'd been able to live a mostly normal lifestyle.  Apparently his therapist said it wasn't unusual for someone who had gone through what he had.

"Thanks for coming to get me," he said after a while.  "I know that must have been hard on you."

"It wasn't actually," Shepard shifted slightly until his chin was pressed to Kaidan's shoulder.  "In fact, it didn't even register that I was going anywhere other than to pick you up."

"That's good, right?" Kaidan asked.  

"Yeah, maybe," Shepard shifted again, pressing a kiss to Kaidan’s jaw.  "I'm going to look at it as a good thing, anyway."

Kaidan smiled.  He would take it that way too.  After all, someday he wanted to take Shepard back with him to Vancouver for a visit.  It had been such a long time since he'd brought someone home to meet his family that the thought actually made him nervous.  He knew without a doubt that his mother would accept Shepard.  She was supportive when he talked to her on the phone about staying in Citadel.  His father was another issue entirely.  

His relationship with his dad wasn't exactly bad anymore, but it was still a bit rocky.  Kaidan had stopped trying to gain his approval a long time ago, but it still hurt whenever he received a lecture about how he could be living his life better.  But he wouldn't let his father's disapproval stop him from pursuing the things that made him happy, including his relationship with Shepard.

He turned slightly, curling into Shepard.  Normandy cuddled against the back of his neck and began to purr softly, relaxing him even further.  Being here with Shepard was definitely making him happy.

Of course, he also wanted to introduce Shepard to his friends.  Liara had already decided that Shepard must be extra special to have caught Kaidan's attention.  Kasumi was reserving judgment.  She'd come across his juvenile record and had called Kaidan to tell him to watch out for violent behaviors.  

He wasn't worried.  Shepard had the ability to do violence, but it was part of his protective instinct.  Everyone in Citadel trusted him, and there was even a little hero worship from a few people.  Kaidan had heard too many stories about his gentleness, and his willingness to help anyone who needed him.  That made it difficult to believe that Shepard was anything less than a hero.

Those thoughts were all speculative of course.  He had no intention of going home any time soon.  Citadel was as good of a place to avoid his problems as any.

Shepard's breathing evened out and Kaidan felt him relax as he fell asleep.  He turned his head and pressed a kiss against Shepard's forehead.  Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply, taking comfort in his sleeping lover's scent.  Car grease and sweat overwhelmed Shepard’s tangy soap, but Kaidan could still imagine it.  It eased him, letting him slip closer to sleep himself.  Only his whirling thoughts kept him awake.

Vancouver no longer felt like home for him.  The only reason he had to go back was to wrap up some loose ends, and to deliver some well deserved apologies.  

The thumping in the back of his head had begun to lessen, and Kaidan realized that the Excedrin was helping.  Eventually, thoughts of how he was beginning to define ‘home’ faded from his mind, and he too was able to fall asleep.

When he woke, Shepard was gone and the room was pitch black.  Kaidan rolled to reach for the bedside table, dislodging Normandy from her spot behind his shoulders.  Patting around for a moment revealed that Shepard had put his phone on the bed.  Kaidan flipped it open, squinting against the light from the screen.  It was just after eight.  He grimaced in irritation for sleeping so long.  He was really going to need to get Shepard to stop letting him sleep so much.  

The murmur of voices outside the closed doors drew his attention.  Kaidan rolled out of bed, standing gingerly, but was happy to find that his headache was completely gone.  His stomach growled loudly, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since breakfast.  

When he opened the bedroom door, he found Jack and Miranda sitting at the small dining room table, leaning over a magazine together.  He smiled at them.  Shepard had told him that they were trying to keep their relationship secret, but lately Miranda had been over a lot more and they were starting to act less chilly toward each other in public.

Jack lifted her head when she heard him and gave him a skeptical once over.  "You look like hell," she said flatly.

Trust Jack to be blunt as a hammer.  "Well at least I feel better than that.  Where's Shepard?"

"Back here," Shepard called.

Kaidan waved at the women, and padded down the hall to the kitchen.  Shepard was standing at the stove making grilled cheese sandwiches.  

Shepard looked up at him, and smiled.  "Hungry?" He flipped the sandwiches in the pan.

"Starved." Kaidan stepped closer and put his arms around Shepard's waist.  He had to stand up on his toes to get a good look over his shoulder.  His mouth watered at the sight of the golden brown sandwiches.  In addition to the grilled cheese, there was a pot of tomato soup with steam rising from it, and Kaidan inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of food and Shepard.

"Grab some dishes," Shepard said.

Kaidan did as he was asked, and soon they were sitting at the table with Jack and Miranda.  The meal was simple, but delicious, and the company was enjoyable.  Afterwards, the women left, claiming they had plans, but refusing to say what they were.

From the way they had been looking at each other, and touching each other throughout the meal, Kaidan had a pretty good idea what their plans were.  Jack punched him in the arm when he smirked at her, but her dark eyes glinted with pleasure, and her lips were quirked in a smug smile.  

"You really shouldn't let me sleep all day," Kaidan said a few minutes later as he helped clean up after the meal.

"You needed it." Shepard looked up from the sink and frowned at Kaidan.  "Have your migraines always been this bad?"

Kaidan shrugged.  "Not often.”  He started drying the dishes that Shepard had washed.  "But then again, I've been taking medication for them since I was in high school, so I didn't really notice.  I've had a few since I've come here and they didn't bother me too much."

That earned him an exasperated look.  "How come you didn't say anything?"

"I just dealt with them." Kaidan smiled reassuringly.  "They're not always bad enough to take me out of commission."

That didn't seem to make Shepard feel better, but he went back to washing the soup pot he had in the sink.  "Is that why you're only working part time?"

Kaidan wanted to ask what the point of this questioning was, but he assumed Shepard would get there eventually, so he just shrugged and answered.  "Not really.  There just aren't a lot of job opportunities in a small town.  Zaeed doesn't need me to work full time."

The dishes were finished, and Shepard turned until he could lean his hip against the counter.  "Have you considered becoming a cop again?"

That caught Kaidan's attention, and he paused with the pot and the damp towel still in his hands.  "Well technically, I still am," he said slowly.  "I haven't really resigned from my position in Vancouver, and my boss is saving it for when I'm ready to come back."

For some reason, that seemed to upset Shepard.  His blue eyes dropped to the floor, but not before Kaidan saw them widen in surprise.  He crossed his arms over his chest, and Kaidan could practically see him pulling away although he didn't move otherwise.  "Is that what you want?" Shepard asked, still staring at the linoleum under his feet.

"What? No!" Kaidan set the pot down on the counter and dropped the towel inside of it before he took Shepard's shoulder.  "What is this all about?"

Shepard let out a sigh, and his muscles relaxed under Kaidan's hand.  His expression was definitely relieved when he looked up.  "I'm sorry.  I was just fishing to see if you'd be interested in working with Wrex and Garrus at the Sheriff's station, and I managed to freak myself out that you were leaving instead."

Kaidan blinked in surprise.  He didn't know which half of that statement to address first.  A job as a deputy?  It hadn't even occurred to him to ask if they had a position open.  The hint of doubt shadowing Shepard’s blue eyes made the decision easy.  He smiled and wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders to pull him down into a kiss.  When he loosened his grip and leaned back, he said "I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon."

Shepard cleared his throat and smiled sheepishly.  "I'm glad.”

So was Kaidan.  But he wanted to know where Shepard had gotten this idea about the job.  "What makes you think that I should work at the Sheriff's office?" He loosened his grip, but didn't step back because Shepard's arms had come around his waist and he rather liked the feeling.

"Garrus came by to talk to you about it earlier today," Shepard answered.  "Apparently it was Wrex's idea."

That was surprising.  Kaidan rarely talked to the big sherriff, and when he did, Wrex was often curt and nearly always scowling.  Everyone assured him that was Wrex's default expression, but it was still hard for Kaidan to believe.  Ashley had told him once that Wrex was a big old teddy bear, but Kaidan had his doubts.  "Well..." Kaidan paused, lost for words.  "I'd definitely be interested if the offer is on the table."  Wrex could also get him a work visa faster than Zaeed could, which would make getting a green card easier too.

The grin Shepard gave him lit up the room.  "I'll bet you're hot in a uniform.”

Kaidan huffed a laugh.  "I've been told that once or twice," he admitted.  As a detective he hadn't been required to wear one, but he certainly wouldn't mind it if doing so would make Shepard give him heated looks like he was receiving now.  And he would have access to handcuffs again, which gave him all kinds of ideas....

"If you're going to get a full time job..." Shepard’s voice was hesitant.  "Maybe you should get a more permanent place to live."

Kaidan focused his attention fully on Shepard again.  "Yeah, probably.”

"Maybe you could move in here," Shepard suggested softly.

The offer surprised Kaidan, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t pleased with the offer.  "Really? What would Jack think about that?"

"It's my house," Shepard pointed out.  

Kaidan grinned.  "Jack is like a cat, Matt.  If you don't think she considers you and everything in this house hers, then you don't know her as well as you think."

Shepard rolled his eyes, but he was also smiling.  "Okay, that's probably true.  But I don't think she'd mind."

"How about this?" Kaidan’s fingers had found the scar on the back of Shepard's neck and he was stroking it softly.  "If you make sure Jack is okay with having a new roommate, then I'll accept the offer."

The smile Shepard gave him was all teeth and excitement, but Kaidan didn't get very long to enjoy the sight because he was suddenly being kissed.  Hard and thoroughly.  He could taste peppery tomato soup, and Shepard, and he surrendered under the onslaught.

When Shepard let him up for air, Kaidan laughed.  "Now that's settled..." He sounded breathless.  He _felt_ breathless.  "What are we going to do for the rest of the evening?  I'm going to be up all night because you let me sleep all day."

Shepard grinned again, the scarred side of his face pulling the expression crooked.  Kaidan loved that, although Shepard hadn't believed him when he'd said so.  "I'll stay up with you," Shepard told him in a low husky tone that made Kaidan feel like he was being stroked.  He ground his hips forward, and it was obvious even through the layers of their clothing that he wasn't just talking about staying awake.

"I think that sounds like a great idea," Kaidan began, backing towards the hall to the bedroom.  A thought suddenly occurred to him and he grinned wickedly.  "So how do you feel about handcuffs?"


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!

Shepard was singing quietly along with the music coming from his grease smudged ipod, and bouncing his toes to the beat.  He was lying stretched out under a car, removing parts from it to restore the one he had up on risers next to it.  It probably would have been easier to have this one up on risers too, but he didn't want to take up the other place in the garage, in case a client came in.  

He didn't have any work lined up, other than a few oil changes, which Jack was taking care of, so he was working on his own project today.  It was always nice when he was able to do this, almost like a day off.  His mom had told him that being a mechanic for a living might take away his love of fixing cars in general, and some days it felt that way, but not today.

The day was relatively cool, the weather finally starting to feel more like autumn, now that they were well into October.  Kaidan had still given him a skeptical look when Shepard had mentioned it, but that was probably because he was used to the apocalyptic cold weather in Canada.  Kaidan insisted it wasn't _that_ cold, but Shepard had countered with an argument that Citadel summers weren't _that_ hot.  

They'd probably never agree on the weather.

Not that either of them minded having a little bit of a disagreement.  They argued rarely, and mostly over whether Kaidan should take something for his headaches when they happened.  Shepard had finally convinced him he might as well keep a bottle of painkillers with him while he was on the job.  Being Citadel's new Deputy didn’t really keep Kaidan very busy, but a migraine sneaking up on him in the middle of a shift was not something he should be dealing with.  

That had caused an all out fight actually, with Kaidan leaving and staying the night in the motel, although he'd officially moved in with Shepard and Jack a few weeks before.  Unable to sleep, Shepard had gone pounding on his door at two in the morning, which had led to more arguing.  Eventually they'd come to agreement, and had some fantastic makeup sex.  Motels were always fun for that.

In the almost three months they had been together, they had learned enough about each other to avoid most misunderstandings, though.  Jack thought it was a little creepy that they rubbed along so smoothly, but Shepard just smiled and pointed out he didn't need to have a temper because she could get angry enough for both of them.  The bruise she'd given him for that comment had totally been worth it to see her temper surface and then flare even hotter when she realized she was proving him right.

The ease with which Kaidan and Shepard's lives had settled in together was part of the reason why Shepard was in such a good mood right now.  It was Friday, and they were going up to the hot spring that evening, once they were both off work.  It was the end of Kaidan's first week as a Deputy and they were going to celebrate.  

The clump of Jack's boots on the cement floor next to the car caught Shepard’s attention, and a moment later, she was kneeling down and looking at him under the edge.  "Hey Boyscout.  Are you and the boytoy taking the four-wheelers tonight?"

Shepard grunted as a particularly hard to reach bolt came loose.  A shower of rust flakes drifted down as the muffler came loose, and he coughed for a moment before he answered her.  "No," he finally grunted.  Before he could ask, Jack was holding out a rag for him and he took it with a grateful smile.  "Do you want to use them?"

"If you're okay with it.  Miranda and I want to go out wheeling."

"Of course." Shepard’s mouth tasted like rust, and he was glad he'd thought to put on safety glasses.  He slid out from under the car and got up to go grab a drink from the mini fridge next to the work bench.  It took a couple swishes of soda to clear the bad taste out of his mouth.  Jack glared at him for spitting it out on the floor, but he ignored the censure.  It was his shop, after all.  "Where are you planning on going?" he asked after taking a long drink of the cold soda.  

"Just out to The Flats," she answered, referring to an area of land that wasn't flat at all, but looked that way from a distance.  It was a great place to go wheeling because the ground rose and fell in small hills, almost like waves.  At a good speed it felt a little like being on a roller coaster.  

The Flats could be really dangerous if you got going too fast or you weren't very experienced with driving a four wheeler.  It was easy to lose your seat or roll the machine if you weren't careful.  Shepard's protective instinct immediately kicked in.  "Yeah, you can borrow them.  But you need to take the CB radio with you.”

"Yeah, whatever," Jack scoffed and turned her back on him to leave the garage.

He didn't let it go.  "I mean it, Jack." There was a slight bark to his tone, almost the same one he used when he was giving orders to his squad.  It was enough to freeze her in her tracks, and she turned to rip into him, but he didn't give her a chance to argue with him.  "No radio, no keys."

She snapped her mouth shut on whatever she'd been about to say, and her dark eyes burned with anger.  After a moment her chin jerked down in a curt nod of agreement.  She spun on a heel and stalked out without another word.

Shepard sighed in relief.  He didn't like having to come down on her like that, but sometimes it was the only way to get her to listen to him.  She was an adult, and he didn't really have a right to tell her what to do, and they both knew it.  But he'd been protecting her since they were kids, and it was as ingrained in him to watch over her as breathing.  He knew that if she hadn't been borrowing his four-wheelers, she probably would have continued to argue and it would have eventually turned into a fight.  He grimaced.  She'd still make him pay later, but it was worth all the hell she'd put him through as long as he knew she was safe.  Taking the CB radio would at least give her a way to call for help if something went wrong.

He'd been prepared for a fight, and now that he wasn't getting it, he suddenly felt jittery.  The clock on the back wall showed that he'd missed lunch, but he wasn’t hungry.  Since he wasn't ready to get back under the car he decided to go buy some supplies for their trip up to the hot springs later that night.

Once he'd bought a few groceries, deftly fending off Kelly's attempts to rope him into conversation, the jitter had gone away and he had an appetite again.  He'd bought some pre-made sub sandwiches, and decided to stop at the sheriff's station to see if Kaidan wanted one.  

To his disappointment, Kaidan wasn't there when he walked in.  Wrex was in his office and Samantha was reading a book over at the dispatch desk, but otherwise the place was empty.  He sighed, but decided to visit with Wrex.  He’d brought enough sandwiches for everyone, just in case.  

He let Sam pick out a sandwich before going back to Wrex’s office.  The big man looked up from his paperwork when Shepard knocked on the doorframe.  His heavy brow was lowered in an expectant glare that did not relax at all once he saw who was disturbing him.  "Shepard.”

"Hey, Wrex," Shepard smiled and held up his offering of food.  "Hungry?"

The change that came over Wrex's face was like the sun coming out.  His glare faded and he showed his teeth in a big grin.  "Hell yes!  Bring that over here."

Shepard chuckled.  Food was always the way to make Wrex happy.  He crossed the room and dropped the bag on the desk, then settled into a chair as Wrex began to dig through it.  "Hey, save one of those for me," he complained when it looked like Wrex was going to claim the whole bag.  

Wrex's eyes flicked up to glare at Shepard for a moment, but he finally settled on the sandwich he wanted and began unwrapping it.  Shepard dug through the bag and grabbed one of the two turkey sandwiches that were left over and a handful of mayonnaise packets.  The only sound in the office was the rattle of paper and plastic as they prepared their meals, and then mostly silence as they each began to eat.

After half the sandwich in his hands was already eaten, Wrex let out a pleased sigh.  "So I assume you didn't just come to feed me?"

"I came to feed Kaidan, actually," Shepard said after he'd swallowed.  "But I brought enough to share, too."

Wrex grunted.  It was his way of saying thank you.  "Your boyfriend is out with Vakarian on patrol.”  He settled further back in his chair and eyed his sandwich.

Shepard couldn't help smiling.  Even after a few months, he still really liked hearing Kaidan referred to as his boyfriend.  "Oh well." He was only slightly disappointed.  It had been a while since he'd sat with Wrex and talked.  He might as well take advantage of the time.  "How's he doing, anyway?"

"As well as expected," Wrex chuckled darkly.  "It's not like there's a lot for him to do around here.  It's pretty hard to screw up being a small town cop.  His old boss is pissed at me for stealing him, though."

That comment caught Shepard by surprise.  He paused the motion to take another bite and gave Wrex a questioning look.  "How do you know that?"

"Talked to him," Wrex answered.  "Kaidan had a few things on his records that I wanted to clear up, so I called.  Despite a rough patch just before Kaidan took his leave, Hackett sang his praises like a goddamn nightingale.  Then when he realized that I was doing a background check so I could hire the boy, his tune changed.  That man wanted Kaidan back in his offices, bad."

Shepard grinned.  "Thanks for giving him a reason to stay.”

Wrex barked a short laugh.  "I'm not an idiot," he rumbled.  "I know what he's really here for.  You should feel pretty damn special for that too.  He had a lot going for him back in Vancouver."

Shepard's smile slipped a little.  For some reason that sounded ominous.  His appetite disappeared, and he set his sandwich down on the desk.  "What do you mean?"

"I'm not supposed to talk about things that came up in his background check," Wrex hedged.

"Dammit, Wrex!" Shepard’s tone was half irritation and half pleading.  "You can't say something like that and just expect me to leave it alone."

"Calm down, boy," Wrex growled, but his eyes sparkled with amusement.  "If he had anything back there that was more important to him than you, he'd be gone already."  

That made Shepard feel a little better.  It hadn't even occurred to him that he was afraid Kaidan would want to go back home until Wrex put it into words.  "So are you going to tell me what you mean, or not?"

Wrex laughed.  It was a deep rumbling sound that always made Shepard feel like it shook the room.  "I'll tell you some of it." He leaned forward, crossing his arms on the desk.  "Your boyfriend is rich, for one thing.  I have no idea why he even bothers working."

Shepard blinked.  That wasn't quite what he was expecting.  Then again, he had no idea what he'd thought Wrex would say.  "Really?"

"Hell yeah," Wrex answered.  "His family owns a lucrative winery.  But he worked anyway, going to college and eventually joined the police."  He paused and gave Shepard a cautious look.  "He was married too."

Shepard's thoughts were still centered on the fact that Kaidan was rich enough to not need to work.  That explained why he hadn't been in a hurry to get full time work at first.  And to think, he'd been worried it was because Kaidan was holding back on settling down in Citadel.  He nodded when he realized Wrex was waiting for a reaction.  "I knew that.  They're divorced."

Wrex nodded approvingly.  He'd probably been testing to see how honest Kaidan had been with Shepard.  

That made him smile at the older man.  Wrex had taken over as his father figure when his parents had died.  He was the only one who had believed Shepard's story about the fire that Jack's dad had tried to pin on him.  Wrex came across as gruff and unapproachable sometimes, but he really was a big softy when it came to the kids in his town.  

"So you didn't find anything that I should actually worry about in his background check?" Shepard joked.  

The older man actually grinned.  "He killed someone," he announced as if he were proud of himself.  

Shepard broke into laughter at that.  Obviously Wrex knew enough of the story that he wasn't worried, or he wouldn't have talked about it over a casual lunch, and he _definitely_ wouldn't have hired Kaidan as a Deputy. When he finally began to catch his breath, Shepard caught a glimpse of the almost offended look Wrex was giving him, which sent him off into more peals of laughter.  It took him a good five minutes before he could control himself, and he had to wipe tears out of his eyes when he finally managed to calm down.  "I knew that," he managed to choke out between chuckles that he couldn't quite stop yet.

"It's no laughing matter," Wrex grumbled.

He looked so disapproving that Shepard had to bite his lips together to stop another bout of laughter.  He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and finally got a grip.  "I know it's not," he grinned widely.  "But the way you announced it, I know you were trying to start drama."

"I was not," Wrex protested.

"Uh huh."

Glaring darkly, Wrex opened his mouth to protest again, but he was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.  Voices carried back to the office, and Shepard smiled when he heard Garrus and Kaidan talking.

The two men came back to Wrex's office, probably to officially report that they were back.  Kaidan's dark eyes widened in pleasure when they lit on Shepard.  "Hey," he said happily.  "What are you doing here?"

"He appears to have brought food," Garrus went straight to Wrex's desk to dig through the bag still sitting there.

Shepard took a moment to admire Kaidan in his uniform.  He wasn't sure he'd ever get over the thrill of arousal he felt when he saw him wearing it.  The first time Kaidan had put it on, Shepard had been hard pressed to let him leave the house.  Only when Kaidan had promised to "arrest him" as soon as he got home, had Shepard finally given in.  

That had been a very enjoyable evening.  It turned out he _did_ have a thing for handcuffs.

Kaidan stepped up behind his chair and squeezed the back of his neck in greeting.  Shepard had to suppress a shiver when Kaidan's thumb brushed over the scar on his nape.  He never thought about that scar because it wasn't one he could see in the mirror like the ones on his face and down his side, but Kaidan seemed to focus on it as if it were his favorite.  That small caress actually made him less self conscious of his other scars, even more than the times when Kaidan ran his lips over Shepard's cheek.  

"Thanks for lunch," Kaidan said softly.  

"Yeah, Shepard." Garrus was already leaving the office to find his own desk.  "It's always nice when one of our wives brings food."

Shepard flipped him off, and Garrus laughed as he moved out of sight.

Kaidan picked up the last sandwich.  His eyes fell on Shepard's half eaten meal.  "Mind if I join you in here, Sheriff?" he asked respectfully.

Wrex snorted at him and waved a hand at the other empty chair in the room.  "No need to be so formal," he said as Kaidan settled into the seat next to Shepard.  "You can call me Wrex."

"Yes, sir." Kaidan’s eyes sparkled with humor when Wrex rolled his eyes.  Shepard was glad to see that Kaidan was starting to poke at the old man.  It was good for him.  Kaidan turned his attention to adding condiments to his sandwich.  "So what kind of dirt were you two discussing about me?"

The question was clearly directed at Shepard, and he laughed.  He doubted Kaidan had heard their conversation, but he obviously knew Wrex well enough to know that he’d try to shake Shepard up.  "I was not attempting to dig up dirt on you.  Wrex was trying to shock me with the things he found out."

Kaidan chuckled.  "Did it work?"

"No."  Wrex's voice was glum.  "You're frustratingly honest."

"Sorry.”  Kaidan’s tone and the mischievous gleam in his eyes indicated he was clearly not sorry at all.

Shepard laughed again, and Wrex gave Kaidan a wry smile.  "Alright, I'm done with you.  Get out."  He waved his hands toward the door.  "Both of you."


	30. Chapter 30

Kaidan settled into the seat behind his desk, and watched as Shepard flopped down in the chair across from him.  It was hard not to smile when he was looking at the other man.  The chair was too small for him, so his long limbs were spread out in a controlled sprawl that should have made him look gangly, but somehow managed to make him look like a lounging mountain lion instead.

A scarred mountain lion.  He was really beautiful, despite the scars.  Maybe even a little because of them.  Kaidan often found himself studying the ridged skin, wishing that Shepard hadn't needed to suffer the pain of receiving them, and yet he was unable to picture him with smooth skin.  Ashley had dug out an old picture of her and Shepard together so Kaidan could see what he’d looked like before.  But whether it was because Shepard had been so much younger in the picture or because of the unblemished features, Kaidan could barely connect the face to the man he was falling in love with.

Actually, he was kidding himself if he thought he was only partway there.  It was mostly a self defense mechanism to say he wasn't already head over heels for Shepard.  Kaidan had known he was in love with Rahna pretty quickly, and had told her right away, although they had taken things slow when they were dating.  In contrast, Kaidan was already living with Shepard after only three months of knowing him, but was afraid to admit that he was in love.  

"Hey, what's with the serious look?" Shepard’s mouth turned down in a worried frown.  "You're not getting a headache, are you?"

Kaidan forced himself to smooth his features.  It was easy to smile again when Shepard turned protective.  "No, I'm fine," he hurried to assure him.  "I was just thinking about things back in Vancouver."  That was the truth, if not the exact details.

Shepard lifted a brow in a skeptical look.  It was clear he could tell Kaidan was hedging.  "Do you miss it?"

There was no hesitation when Kaidan answered.  "No.” That was one hundred percent true.  "Sometimes I miss Kasumi and Liara, but I don't miss Vancouver."

"What's the matter?" Garrus asked from his desk a few feet away.  "I'm not pretty enough for you?"

Kaidan laughed at the idea that Garrus thought he could compete.  Liara was petite, but with a personality that filled a room.  Her dark eyes, lined with bright blue makeup, matched her mocha skin, and she turned heads wherever she went.  Kasumi was also small, and tended to stand so still that people didn't notice her right away.  But she was beautiful and sleek as a cat, with a plump mouth and cheerful black eyes, and she had her share of panting admirers.  "Not even remotely," Kaidan answered, grinning.

"Well that's probably a good thing," Garrus was completely unfazed.  "Tali is possessive, and I'd hate to see her kick your ass for trying to steal me away."

Shepard rolled his eyes and muttered.  "Lord knows why she'd want to keep you around in the first place.”

"Mean, Shepard." Garrus’s voice dripped with false hurt.  "Mean."

They laughed and joked along the same vein as they finished their meals.  Kaidan was warmed by the fact that Shepard had decided to bring him lunch.  Rahna had never come to visit him at the office when they were married.  He understood her reasoning.  She didn't want to expose herself to people who were brought in for processing after being arrested, and he’d agreed with her.  Maybe he should have asked her to come in to see him once in a while instead of protecting her so much, though.  Maybe then she wouldn't have been so blind to exactly what his job had entailed and they might still--

He cut that thought off.  Losing Rahna had made him miserable.  It still hurt that she had left him because she couldn't handle his violent nature. _Even though it had been self defense._  It almost felt as if she really didn’t know him.  For fuck’s sake, he was a _cop_.  What the hell else would she have expected from him in that situation?

He was able to look back now and see a lot of things about their relationship that had been wrong even before the mugging.  Things that he hadn't allowed himself to see because he'd wanted so badly to make her happy.  She’d pretended his job didn’t exist.  When he became frustrated with a difficult case, or wanted to discuss work when she was around, she would change the subject or dismiss his worries.  That behavior had bothered him of course, but he was so in love with her that he’d let it slide.  He’d done his best to keep things to himself if he thought they would bother her.  He hadn’t talked to her about his stress, or his anger, or his disillusion when someone he knew was guilty got out of the charges against them.

And if he couldn’t talk to her about those things, then discussing their personal issues was completely out of the question.  

He was sure now that their marriage would still have ended eventually.  But if it had happened later, Kaidan wouldn't have met Shepard.  The truth was that Kaidan could easily wish he hadn't needed to go through two years of addiction and depression in order to lead him to Citadel, but now he was here and he wasn't going to complain.  

"You're frowning again," Shepard pointed out.

"Sorry.  Just thinking a lot today, I guess."  Kaidan chuckled at himself.  "I do that.  Probably too much."

"Is it something you want to talk about?" Shepard asked softly.  

He did, actually.  Just not in front of Garrus.  And it occurred to him then, this was a subject he would have felt uncomfortable talking about with Rahna, but he was looking forward to talking to Shepard about it.  Shepard would listen, and maybe even give some advice.  It warmed Kaidan, and made him even more grateful he’d neglected the maintenance on his motorcycle.  "Later," he said, and when Shepard opened his mouth to protest he smiled reassuringly.  "It's not important, I promise.  But we can talk about it later."

Shepard gave him a wary look but he accepted with a nod and leaned back in his chair to polish off the rest of his sandwich.  

When they'd both finished eating, Shepard sighed and looked at the clock.  "I suppose I should get out of here and let you work." He pushed himself up from his seat and crumbled up the plain white paper the sandwiches had been wrapped in, before throwing it away.

"Let me walk you out." Kaidan got up and half waved at Garrus as he followed Shepard outside.

Shepard stopped next to his big Bronco, and opened the door but he didn't get in.  With the door shielding them from the front windows of the Sheriff's building he pulled Kaidan into his arms.  "I liked it better when you worked part time.”  He leaned down and nuzzled Kaidan’s cheek.

Kaidan chuckled.  "Spoiled you, didn't it?" He turned until he could brush a kiss against Shepard's mouth.  "It's only a few more hours until I'm off work and then we can-"

He was interrupted by a worried voice transmitting from the CB radio tucked under the Bronco's dash.  "Shepard?  Are you there?"

Shepard jerked out of Kaidan's arms, and reached into the truck to grab the microphone for the radio.  "Miranda? What's wrong?"

Miranda's voice sounded strange through the radio's speakers, but it was unmistakably her, and the wobble in her voice was not signal distortion.  When she spoke again, Kaidan was positive she was crying.  "Oh thank god!" Relief was clear in her tone.  "I need help.  Jack's hurt."

Shepard hissed a curse before responding.  "Where are you?"

"We're still in the Flats.”

"I'll come get you.”

"Bring the doctor," Miranda said.  "Jack's hurt bad.  I've got the bleeding stopped, but I'm afraid to move her."

Kaidan's eyes widened.  This was serious.  "Let me get Garrus, Matt.  We'll--"

"Get Doc Mordin," Shepard ordered.  He climbed up into the truck.  "I'm EMT trained, and I can help.  I'll head out there now."

Kaidan didn't waste any time arguing.  There was no doubt in his mind that Shepard's plan was best, especially if he had medical training.  He nodded curtly and spun to run inside.  Behind him, the wheels of Shepard's truck squealed as he sped out of the parking lot.

He hadn't met the town doctor yet, and didn't know where to find him, so Kaidan would need Garrus' help.  The other man took one look at him and was up and striding around his desk immediately.  Kaidan quickly explained the situation, and Garrus nodded, not hesitating at all when Kaidan told him they needed to get to Mordin's house.  Wrex had heard what was going on too, and got on the phone to call ahead so the doctor would be ready when they got there.

Doctor Mordin Solus lived on the far north end of town, but it didn't take very long for Garrus and Kaidan to reach his house.  He was waiting on the porch, a large doctor's bag gripped in his hand, when they pulled up in the cruiser.  Kaidan blinked in surprise when he saw the man.  He hadn't really known what to expect, but Doc Mordin didn't seem to fit any of his preconceived notions.  

He was exactly what Kaidan imagined a mad scientist would look like.

Mordin was tall and thin as a beanpole, with only a thin fringe of white hair.  Half of one ear was missing, and he had other obvious scars on his face.  As frail as he looked, Kaidan worried that a gust of strong wind would knock him flat.  But the man's dark eyes were rock steady and filled with fierce intelligence.  He climbed into the back of the cruiser and knocked his knuckles on the barrier separating the front seat.  

"What are you waiting for?  Go," he commanded.

Garrus didn't argue, and soon they were on the road with the cruiser lights and sirens running.  He quickly made introductions as he drove.

"Have heard many things about you," Mordin nodded in greeting when Kaidan turned to look at him.  "Nice to finally meet you.  Circumstances leave much to be desired."

"Yeah, definitely," Kaidan said.  They had a little time before they'd reach the Flats, so he decided to ask some questions.  "Do you practice out of your house?"

"Retired years ago." Mordin had a clipped way of speaking that sounded odd.  "But will always be a doctor.  Will help when I can."

Kaidan was thankful for that.  One of the downsides to living in a small town was the lack of medical emergency services.  He just hoped that Jack wasn't so badly injured she would need a hospital.  

He sighed and turned back around in his seat to watch the road, , suppressing a twinge of irrational resentment that Jack’s accident most likely meant that his and Shepard’s plans for the evening was cancelled.  It wasn’t fair, and Jack’s welfare was infinitely more important than him spending a night at the Hot Springs.  Then the memory of Miranda’s voice wobbling as she spoke through the radio sent spikes of adrenaline through him, and he felt the overwhelming urge to act.  Sitting still in the car was making him antsy.  As Garrus and Mordin began discussing the possible issues he, he sent up a prayer for Jack.

As a cop, he’d been in many similar situations.  Rushing to a call, worried about how bad things were.  It was different when it was his friend though.  Nausea coiled in his stomach when he thought of how Shepard would react if Jack wasn’t all right.  Kaidan knew they had a special bond, and if Shepard lost her… well, he imagined that the nightmares Shepard suffered from now would pale in comparison-

He needed to focus.  It wouldn’t do anyone good if he let his imagination get the best of him.  “How much further is it, Garrus?”

“We’re nearly there.  Keep an eye out for a dust trail and Shepard’s truck.”

And as the words registered, they came over a hill and Kaidan could see nearly barren land stretching out to either side of the freeway.  Rolling hills covered in scrub went as far as he could see towards the West, with nothing breaking the land until it turned into foothills.  Kaidan shifted in his seat and began scanning for signs that Shepard has passed through. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh.  
> uGH.  
> UGH.  
> This chapter was such a beast for some reason. It was a beast the first time I wrote it, It was a vicious beast when it was time for editing. And after my beta sent it back (with amazingly helpful notes), I still wanted to drop kick this whole thing.
> 
> But it was important. Meh. I'm still not completely happy with it, but if I don't post it, then I'm never going to finish this. And I must finish this, because it is awesome. Just you wait :D
> 
> Anyway, thanks for being patient while I busily loathed this chapter :)


	31. Chapter 31

It didn't take long for Shepard to find Jack and Miranda.  The Flats had been one of his favorite places when he was a kid, and he'd spent hours driving through them, both on four-wheelers and in his truck, so he was very familiar with the area.  Miranda had given him directions to where her truck was parked and then explained how to find them from there.  She had also been smart enough to park one of the small vehicles on one of the rises so that he could find her.  

His bronco slid to a halt in the dirt and brush next to it, and Shepard jumped out to scramble down the hill where he could see Jack and Miranda at the bottom.  The other four-wheeler was down in the depression, tipped on its side.  Jack lay stretched on the ground, her head in Miranda's lap.  In the light of the afternoon sun, the dried blood on her face was easy to see.

Miranda looked up, her face splotchy and streaked with tears.  "She's out cold."  Despite a faint waver in her voice, she spoke clearly and calmly.  "She must have hit her head on a rock when she tipped."

Shepard fell to his knees next to them, ignoring the twinge of pain that reminded him of his old injury.  Blocking out the pounding of his heartbeat in his own ears, he reached out to touch Jack.  Very carefully he felt around her neck.  No swelling, which was good.  His fingers gently brushed the hair away from the shaved area above her left ear.  It was matted with blood and dirt and for just a moment, he was transported to another place, where gunfire and shouts were echoing through the streets and fires roared in the nearby buildings.  He swallowed, the motion difficult because his throat had gone dry.  

Through sheer force of will he brought himself back to the present and did his best to examine her wound.  "Is this the only place she's hurt?" he asked, his voice flat and emotionless.  There was already a lump forming, but at the bleeding had stopped.  A head wound was serious, even if it didn't look bad, and he had to force himself to breathe through his fear.  His hands were beginning to feel cold, and he kept them moving to keep them from going numb.  He began checking Jack's limbs for broken bones without waiting for an answer.

"I'm pretty sure her leg is broken," Miranda answered.  "I had to pull the four-wheeler off her."

Shepard was sure Miranda was right.  He could see that Jack’s left leg was bent at an unnatural angle.  He was going to need to cut the leg of her pants open to get a good look, and he would need to go back to his truck to get a knife.  "Alright, stay put. I'll be right back." He pushed himself to his feet.

"Where am I going to go?" Miranda choked out a laugh.  He was glad she was showing a little humor and not flying into hysterics.  Not that she would.  Miranda was all steel behind those beautiful eyes.

It only took him a few minutes to get into the box in the back of his truck.  He grabbed the first aid kit that he'd put together himself, with emergency supplies you wouldn't normally find in a store-bought kit, and a couple of bottles of water.  He also grabbed the small box of tools he kept in the truck.  Soon he was back down at the bottom of the hill and was cutting the cloth away from Jack's leg.  

He grimaced at what he found.  It appeared to be a clean break, but the skin was already turning an angry bluish purple and he could see the bone jutting under her skin.  It wasn't as serious as the head wound, though, and at least it was something that he was qualified to take care of.  If he left it like this too long, the swelling would make it even more difficult to treat.  "I'm going to set this," he said.  "Hold her shoulders."

Nodding, Miranda hooked her wrists under Jack's armpits.  Shepard adjusted his position until he was closer to her feet.  Taking her ankle in his hands, he _jerked_.  There was a pop and a scrape as it slid into place, but Shepard barely heard it over Jack's scream.  She thrashed in Miranda's arms.  "Calm her down, or I'll have to do it again," Shepard snapped.  

Miranda's hands went to Jack's face.  "Shhh... it's okay... it's okay," she said urgently.  "Hold still and it'll get better."

Jack's eyes were wide, and dilated with pain.  "What...?  What's going on?"

Long fingers stroking Jack's cheeks, Miranda curled forward.  "You flipped your four-wheeler," she explained.  "You're hurt and-"

The sound of a vehicle brought her head up.   Shepard glanced up at the top of the hill only briefly.  He knew who it was.  He began cutting the cloth from Jack's pant leg into strips, preparing a splint.  "Keep her talking." His tone was curt and commanding.  "With a head injury like that, she probably has a concussion."

Miranda obeyed and began talking to Jack in a low voice.  Shepard was barely aware of what she was saying.  His mind kept bouncing back and forth between the past and the present.  He was completely unaware of the snarl on his face as he concentrated on staying in the now.  A hand on his shoulder startled him, and it was only because he'd already been working so hard to control himself that he didn't lash out.  

Doc Mordin was kneeling down next to Jack's shoulders and was beginning to examine her.  Shepard looked up to see that the person touching him was Kaidan.  Something in his chest relaxed a little and he breathed out a sigh of relief.

"That was quick," Shepard said, referring to the fact that they were only about ten minutes behind him.

"Garrus has a lead foot." Kaidan’s lips twisted in a small smile.  It faded as his gaze swept over Jack.  "How is she?"

"Concussion," Mordin answered before Shepard could speak.  He flashed a look at where Shepard was building a brace for Jack’s leg with a long handled wrench and a ratchet.  "And broken leg.  Will need x-rays to see the extent of the damage."

"Is it safe to move her?" Kaidan asked.  His voice was calm and soothing, but also full of authority, and it relaxed Shepard a little more.  It felt good to have someone else to share the weight of responsibility with.

"Would be best with a stretcher," Mordin replied.  "Failing that, we carry her.  But we must keep her immobile.  Should put her in the back of Shepard's truck."

"I'll get it ready for her," Garrus said from somewhere behind Kaidan.

Shepard kept his eyes on his hands as he tied off the splint, fascinated with the fact that his fingers were steady.  Inside he was raging with turmoil.  Between the panic attack threatening at the edges of his consciousness and the worry for Jack, he felt like his fingers should be shaking at the very least.  But he was holding it together because he had to.  For Jack.

Shepard did most of the work of lifting Jack and carrying her to the Bronco.  Garrus was in the back and he helped guide her body into place, working carefully and slowly, so as not to jostle her too much.  Once she was back there, Shepard looked up to see Kaidan standing nearby with his arms around Miranda.  She had her head on his chest and from the way her shoulders were shaking, it looked like she might be crying.  Kaidan's strong hands were stroking her hair, and Shepard felt a moment of jealousy.  Not because he thought there was anything more than friendship between the two of them, but because he wanted some of that comfort for himself.

He shook his head at himself and crawled into the front seat of the truck.  Mordin took his place in the back so he could monitor Jack on the ride to the hospital.  They would need to go to Thessia, so it would be a long drive.

Shepard leaned his head out of the window.  "Miranda, do you want to ride with me?"

She did, and Kaidan helped her into the truck.  Garrus had hopped out the back and came around to talk to Shepard.  "Kaidan and I will get your four-wheelers back on the trailer, and get Miranda's truck back to Citadel," he said.  "I'll put a call ahead of you so the highway patrol doesn't pull you over if they see you, but make sure you keep your emergency lights on."

Shepard nodded and started the truck's engine as Garrus started away to do as he said he would.  

"Hey!" Kaidan’s voice came from the other side of the truck, catching Shepard’s attention.  He was rubbing Miranda's shoulder comfortingly, but his eyes were on Shepard.  "You'll be okay."

Shepard let his breath out in a rush.  It didn't surprise him that Kaidan knew how close to freaking out he was.  He managed a small smile.  "Yeah, I will.”

Kaidan smiled encouragingly and then shut the door so Shepard could leave.  

The drive to Thessia was quiet.  Mordin kept Jack talking in an effort to keep her awake but their voices were soft murmurs, barely heard over the sound of wind whipping past the sides of the truck.  Vaguely, Shepard found himself thinking that it was time to put the shell back on in preparation for cooler weather.

The hospital in Thessia was small, but that meant the emergency room wasn't very busy and soon Jack was in a room by herself being treated.  Shepard and Miranda kept each other company as they waited for news.  Miranda sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs with her legs curled beneath her, while Shepard paced in the small confines of the waiting room.  At least it felt small to him.  He felt antsy, and if he’d had enough space he probably would have broken into a jog just to work off some of the energy.

They had been there for almost an hour when Shepard noticed someone else entering the room.  He stopped his pacing, hoping to see Mordin or one of the other doctors.  He was not displeased to find Kaidan striding toward him from the door, though.  He met him halfway across the room, opening his arms to wrap around the other man, and taking comfort from the strength of the hug Kaidan gave him in return.  

"Thanks for coming," Shepard whispered against the top of Kaidan's shoulder.

"You didn't think I wouldn't want to be here for you, did you?" Kaidan asked, his breath warm against Shepard's neck.

Shepard pulled out of the hug, and smiled down at Kaidan.  "No, I didn't think that." He still spoke quietly.  Somehow, hospitals always made him feel like it was rude to talk above a whisper.  "But I'm still glad you came."

"How's Jack?" Kaidan took Shepard's hand and led him to the chairs where they could sit next to Miranda.  His question was directed at both of them.

"They're worried about the head injury," Shepard answered.  "But we haven't heard anything in a little while.  They let Doc Mordin stay with her, and he said he would bring us news once he had it."

Kaidan grimaced and then turned to Miranda.  "How are you holding up?"

She gave him a weak smile.  "I'll feel better when I can go in and see her, but I'm all right."

Kaidan reached out to rub her shoulder, and when her expression began to crumble he pulled her into his arms.  He rocked her gently while she cried against his chest.  Shepard felt a pang of guilt for not realizing she had been that close to breaking down.  He considered Miranda one of his best friends, and he should be taking care of her.

He was just so worried about Jack.  It didn’t really matter that they were distantly related because he really loved her for the friendship they'd shared since they were kids.  When she'd been all skinny limbs and scraped knees, and he had been just another awkwardly too tall kid.  They'd always shared a bond, even if it didn't always look like they got along.  Thinking about how she'd looked lying in the ditch with her head in Miranda's lap sent spikes of panic through him.  More than once since they'd arrived in the hospital he'd had to fight off flashbacks.  

His last experience in a hospital had been his own recovery.  The days had been a wash of dim lights, pain interspersed with drugged hazes, and voices.  Shepard had known in a distant fashion that he was hearing nurses and doctors and other patients, but guilt, pain, and morphine had turned those voices into nightmares.  He could hear the explosions in the beeping machines.  He could hear the crying of civilians caught in the explosion.  And every word was morphed into accusations from his squad mates, giving him hell for surviving when they did not.

Honestly, he would have been happy to break down and let Kaidan hold him the way he was holding Miranda right now.  But he wasn't that selfish.  He could bottle it up for now.  He had to.

"Anticipating bad news?"

Shepard's head jerked up at the sound of Doc Mordin's voice.  The gaunt looking old man was standing in the waiting room's entryway, smiling at them in amusement.  Shepard was the first out of his chair to approach the doctor.  "How is she?" he asked quickly.

"Fine," Mordin answered.  "Grouchy as ever.  Doesn't think she should be here.  Wrong, of course.  The doctors need to monitor her for the night, but she should be able to go home in the morning."

All the nervous tension drained out of Shepard and he had to lock his knees to keep from sinking down to the floor.  He forced a smile and reached out to shake Mordin's hand.  "Thanks for keeping an eye on her, Doc."  Mordin had retired, but he was well respected, and the hospital staff had been kind to let him oversee her during the examination.

Mordin smiled, his eyes sparkling with humor.  "Can't say it was my pleasure.  Jack is never an easy patient."  He chuckled.  “The nurse was quite relieved to let Jack snipe at me while she gathered her vitals.”

"Can I see her?" Miranda asked.  She and Kaidan had come up next to Shepard when he was speaking to Mordin.

"Yes, of course." Mordin reached out a hand to guide Miranda, placing it gently on her shoulder as he began to lead her out of the room.  "Will show you the way."

Shepard moved to follow them, but a strong hand on his arm stopped him.  He turned to look at Kaidan curiously.

"Let them have a little time to themselves," Kaidan said.  

"But-" Shepard started.  He didn't continue the argument because Kaidan was right.  Despite the fact that their relationship was sometimes rocky, he knew that Jack loved Miranda and would want to see her right away.  And now that he knew she was all right, he could be a little patient.

The rest of the nervous energy drained out of him, and he was suddenly exhausted.  Taking Kaidan's hand, Shepard led him over to the chairs and sagged down into one.  He leaned his head back on his shoulders, eyes closed for a moment against the white light of the fluorescents in the ceiling.  The hand in his tightened, gripping his fingers hard and Shepard lifted his head to look at Kaidan.  "That scared the fuck out of me," he admitted hoarsely.

Kaidan's dark eyes were full of empathy.  "She's going to be fine," he said, repeating Mordin's earlier assessment.  

_Thank god,_ Shepard thought.  The knot that had been sitting heavy in his belly loosened slightly, but despite the relief, Shepard suddenly began to shake.  It was definitely an adrenaline comedown.  

Kaidan noticed and he frowned slightly.  "Are you okay?" He reached up and cupped the scarred side of Shepard’s face in his hand.  

Several months ago, that would have bothered Shepard, but not anymore.  At least not when it was Kaidan touching him.  "I'm better than I could be," Shepard’s body tilted towards Kaidan, and he was pleased when the other man leaned forward as well, and their foreheads came together.  That simple touch was doing wonders for Shepard's peace of mind.  It kept him anchored in the now, with no unpleasant memories threatening to break free of the box he kept them sequestered in in the back of his mind.  "Thank you for coming," he said softly.

Kaidan murmured something, but Shepard's mind was too tired to register anything more than the soft tone of his voice.  He closed his eyes, and then he got what he'd been jealous of Miranda for receiving.  He sagged into Kaidan's shoulder, accepting the comfort of his embrace.  He didn't cry.  He had no reason to now.  But he did take a deep breath.  When he let it out, the last of his stress seemed to stream out of him.

Kaidan’s arms felt like safety and security.  Shepard smiled against the cloth of Kaidan’s uniform.  He felt a little bit like a sap at that thought and he sent up a small prayer of thanks that Jack would still be around to call him on it.


	32. Chapter 32

Kaidan woke to the sound of rain drumming on the roof and pattering against the bedroom window.  As usual, Shepard had woken earlier and left the bed, although his space was not empty.  Normandy was curled on Shepard's pillow, snoring softly.  

He pushed himself up on his elbows so he could get a better look at the bedside clock.  It was only a little after eight a.m. so he hadn't slept as late as normal.  He turned to see that Normandy was awake and blinking at him expectantly.  He sat up so he could pet her and she purred happily, leaning into the touch.  Kaidan understood that feeling.  He was feeling rather content with the world himself, although one of these days he was really going to have to talk to Shepard about letting him sleep in.

Lounging around in bed for another half-hour sounded nice, but he made himself get up.  Normandy made a soft mewl of irritation as he jostled the bed, and he reached down to ruffle her fur, swiping his fingers backwards and leaving it sticking up in all directions.  “Lazy cat.”

Normandy glared at him for half a second before she started grooming.

Kaidan stretched his arms above his head, working out the kinks in his back.  Muscles twinged in intimate places, making him smile at the memory of what he and Shepard did the previous night that made him sore.  

Wanting to have a connection to the man who was obnoxiously absent, Kaidan pulled on the t-shirt Shepard had been wearing the day before.  It smelled like old cars and sweat, and was a little too tight of course, but it would mean less laundry, which they’d both been putting off because neither one of them liked to fold clothes and put them away.  Besides, he was going to be getting dirty today anyway, so he didn’t mind.

Miranda was supposed to be coming by today to get the rest of Jack's things, and he'd promised to help her.  When Jack had been discharged from the hospital a month before, she'd begun staying at Miranda's small house a few blocks away.  Eventually they'd decided to just move in with each other.

Kaidan had been happy for them, but also confused by people's reactions.  Most people didn't believe the women were in a relationship, and James had even gone so far as to call them out for lying.  He'd made the mistake of saying that in Jack's hearing and had ended up with a bloodied lip for the comment.  The big fry-cook had just laughed it off of course, but apparently that's what had been needed to convince him.  

Shepard was unsurprised by the whole thing.  He’d just snorted and announced that he thought it was about damn time.

When Kaidan had asked him about it, Shepard had explained.  Miranda and Jack had never made it public knowledge that they were more than friends.  And with their occasional fights (spectacular knock-down affairs from what Kaidan had been told), people never assumed they were so close.  Kaidan had asked how he had known, and Shepard had grinned and reminded him that the walls of his house were not soundproof.

That comment had left Kaidan blushing any time he saw Jack for days, because when he and Shepard had sex, they were not all that quiet themselves.  Kaidan himself was not particularly loud in bed, but Shepard was.  Man, was he ever.

The thought of the cries and grunts Shepard made for him had Kaidan smiling as he slid his legs into a pair of his own jeans.  It was cool in the house, so he pulled on a hoodie as well.  The cooler weather everyone had been promising him had finally arrived now that it was November, although it still wasn't anything like Vancouver.

He padded barefoot into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee.  The pot was still mostly full, which meant Shepard hadn't been awake much longer than he had.  A look around the kitchen showed that Shepard must not have eaten yet either.  He usually left his dishes in the sink to wash later. 

After a few sips of sweetened coffee, Kaidan set about making breakfast.  It was just a couple fried eggs between buttered toast, but when Shepard entered the kitchen just as Kaidan was putting everything on plates, his blue eyes lit up with pleasure.

Strong arms wrapped around Kaidan's waist and soft lips pressed against his ear.  Beard stubble scraped against his skin when Shepard spoke.  "Is that for me?"

"Half of it," Kaidan answered, lifting one of the egg sandwiches.

Shepard kissed his ear again before taking the proffered plate.  "Awesome," he said cheerfully.

They ate standing in the kitchen, talking about their plans.  It was Thursday, which meant Shepard would be working, but Kaidan had the day off.  He and Garrus rotated weekends and it was his turn to work Saturday.  

"Miranda and I should be able to get the rest of Jack's things moved today," Kaidan said as he began cleaning up after the meal.

Shepard sighed, and his shoulders slumped slightly.  "I can't wait until Jack's ready to  come back to work full time.  I'm swamped without her."

Kaidan’s lips quirked up in a knowing smile.  Jack still came in to the garage to work, but she couldn't stand all day because her leg was still mending.  Shepard was not as busy as he complained about, though.  Kaidan suspected he just missed having her around, especially now that she was practically moved out.  "Maybe when I'm done helping Miranda, I can come help out in the garage," Kaidan said as he dried the dishes and put them away.  He wasn't a mechanic, but he knew his way around an engine enough that he could do simple things like oil changes and minor tune-ups.

Shepard grinned at him, his smile pulled crooked as it always was by the scars on his cheek.  "I'd like that.”  There was a honk of a car horn, which grabbed his attention.  He sighed again, but this time it was more for dramatic effect.  "Sounds like the work is already coming in.  I'll see you later."  He gave Kaidan a peck on the cheek and left the house.

Miranda showed up not much later, and together she and Kaidan had the last of Jack's boxes packed into the back of her truck within an hour.  The rain had stopped, although the sky remained grey and ominous.  Luckily the weather cooperated and they weren't rained on while they finished their task.

In Miranda's house, Jack was sitting in an old recliner, her foot propped up.  She was watching them keenly, obviously irritated that she couldn’t help.   When Kaidan was done moving the boxes into the room, he sat down on the couch near her.  He patted the tattooed knee of her good leg.  "How are you doing, Jack?"

"Bored," she grumbled as she shifted in the chair.  She glared at the cast on her lower leg.   It was covered with signatures and doodles.  Shepard had decorated whatever empty space he could find on the plaster to look like the tattoos that curled over the skin underneath, much to everyone’s amusement.  "I can't wait to get this thing off."  She tugged at the bottom hem of the yoga shorts she was wearing.  “I know I look fantastic in these, but I can’t wait to get into some pants again.  It’s fucking cold.”

"You're almost there." Miranda came from the other room to stand near them.  She’d brought a blanket and draped it across Jack’s lap, ignoring her glare.  "Thank goodness, too.  You're about to drive everyone crazy."

"If I have to suffer, then everyone does," Jack grumbled. 

Miranda rolled her eyes.  "You make people suffer even when you're not.”

Kaidan expected Jack to blow up at that, but she surprised him by grinning.  "I can't have anyone being more cheerful than me, now, can I?"

Miranda made a scoffing sound and threw up her hands in exasperation before leaving the room, muttering something about getting herself tested for insanity for putting up with "that woman".  Jack's dark eyes glowed wickedly when she turned her attention back to Kaidan.  "So have you boys been christening all the furniture now that I'm gone?"

"Not yet." Kaidan laughed warmly.  "I think Matt still expects you to show up at any minute."

"Paranoid asshole." Jack’s tone and her expression were fond.  Then she tilted her head at him.  "You know, you're the only one who calls him ‘Matt’?"

"You use his first name sometimes," Kaidan pointed out.

"Only when I'm trying to get his attention.  Most people around here forget he even has a first name."

Kaidan shrugged.  "Maybe that's why I use it.  It feels weird to call my boyfriend by his last name, you know?"

Jack grunted thoughtfully.  "You're good for him," she said, almost under her breath.  For once he sensed no sarcasm in her tone.  "It was hard to see how much the army changed him.  When you came to town, he started to act more like his old self."

Kaidan tried to imagine what she meant by that.  This wasn't the first time someone had told him that Shepard smiled and laughed more now than he had in a very long time.  Shepard was cheerful, and energetic, and goofy, and Kaidan didn't know him any other way.  There were still nights when Shepard's nightmares would wake them both, and every once in a while Shepard would seem distant and unfocused.  For the most part Kaidan only saw him happy.  The only difference he’d seen had been the first week after Jack’s accident when Shepard had closed in on himself because the whole ordeal had stressed him out so badly.  But he’d still laughed and smiled when Kaidan coaxed him out of his dark thoughts with comfort food and Star Wars marathons.

It probably should have made him worried that Shepard would come to depend on him for his happiness, but the truth was that Kaidan also felt happier in Shepard's presence.  Then again, he'd been married before, and had experience with falling in love.  Being with the person you loved always made the day a little brighter.  

Neither of them had said the words yet, but Kaidan knew he was already there.  Jack's words gave him hope that the feeling was mutual.  He smiled at the thought.  "I'm glad.  I like him the way he is."

"We all do," Jack said seriously.  Then she gave him an impish grin.  "I'd been telling him for months that a good fuck would do wonders for his disposition.  I'm glad to see I was right."

"Hm, yes," Kaidan’s smile was sly.  "The fucking is definitely good."

Jack's eyes widened slightly in surprise before she burst into delighted laughter.  She had to wipe tears from her eyes when she finally calmed down.  "Damn, you never fail to amaze me with the things you say," she said between chuckles.  "You come across as such a good boy, and then you say something like _that_."

Kaidan winked at her and then pushed up to his feet.  "Do you ladies need me for anything else today?"

Jack waved a hand at him dismissively.  "No, we're good.  Get out of here.  Enjoy having the house to yourself.”

Kaidan stuffed his hands in his pockets and cocked his head at her.  “You know we miss you, Jack.”

“You say that now, but wait until you hear how loud he gets when he knows there isn’t anyone around to hear him.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up.  “And how would you know that?”

Jack’s only answer was a wide grin and a wink.  Kaidan laughed and shook his head.  He really didn’t want to know.

Kaidan said his goodbyes and left, declining Miranda's offer for a ride.  It was only a few blocks, and the sky had cleared enough that he felt safe walking home without getting drenched.  

Outside it was chilly enough that he pulled his hoodie up closer around his neck, and tucked his hands in his pockets to protect them from the wind.  Autumn in Citadel was much different from what he was used to.  It was only a few weeks into November but Kaidan still didn't feel the need to do more than wear a long sleeved shirt most of the time.  Shepard layered up before going out to the garage, giving Kaidan sidelong looks.  Kaidan grinned at the memory of teasing Shepard about it.  His mechanic would probably never survive a Vancouver winter if he was already complaining about the cold in Citadel.

Not that he thought he could talk Shepard into visiting Canada.  Shepard had held himself together, not giving any signs of distress while they were at the hospital in Thessia, but once they’d gotten home, Shepard hadn’t been able to leave the house for a few days while he dealt with his anxiety.  Kaidan had taken over grocery shopping that week, simply because Shepard couldn't bring himself to go any further than the garage.  And then, only for work.

Kaidan was a little disappointed at the idea that Shepard might not visit Vancouver with him some time.  He really wanted him to meet his parents and his friends.  But he understood that Shepard's fears were not rational, and he could accept that.  It just meant that if his mother wanted to see the man who'd caught Kaidan's fancy, she would need to come visit Citadel.  She always said she would like to travel, so this would be a good opportunity for her.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ring of his cell phone.  The sound startled him because it hardly ever rang.  He'd started carrying it again when he started working at the Sheriff's office in case he was needed, but so far Garrus had never used his number.  He pulled it out of his pocket, expecting a call from work, but was surprised to see that it was his mother.  She usually called him on Shepard's landline to save Kaidan's airtime.

He flipped open the phone, smiling with pleasure that he'd get to talk to her.  "Hey, mom.”

"Kaidan.  Thank goodness you answered.  I tried you at the house first, but I only got the machine."

Kaidan's smile faded.  Her voice was strained, and clearly this was not a pleasure call.  "What's wrong?"

"You need to come home.  It's your father-" She broke off and fear spiked through him when she made a choked sound.  Her voice was wobbly when she spoke again.  "He's had a stroke.  He's in the hospital."

Kaidan came to a halt in the middle of the sidewalk.  His dad was sick?  He couldn't remember a time during his entire life that he'd ever seen his dad get sick.  It gave the illusion that the man was immortal.  "Ok..." Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, distantly aware that he still needed a haircut.  He should probably get it cut before he saw his dad, or he'd get scolded for it.  "I'll be home as soon as I can."

His mother ended the call with a promise to send him more information as it became available.  When he hung up, he stared down at the screen blinking the call time to him.  Five minutes and thirty two seconds.  Such a short time to share such a huge piece of news.  Flipping the phone shut, and shoving it in his pocket, Kaidan started walking again.

After a few steps, he broke into a run.

Shepard was underneath a car, probably changing the oil, when Kaidan skidded to a halt just inside the garage.  He didn't have it up on rails, so he had to slide out from under the car when Kaidan called his name.

His eyes had been bright with a welcoming smile, but that faded when he got a look at Kaidan's face.  "What's wrong?" he demanded.

"I need to go back to Vancouver." Kaidan was breathless from running and he had to stop and suck in several lungfuls of air.  By the time he was ready to speak again, Shepard was on his feet and standing in front of him, brow lowered in worry.  "It's my dad.  He's in the hospital, and-" He broke off again.  "I need to go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend pointed out that I'm really bad about the whole cliff-hanger thing. And y'know... he's right. I really am. I'm so sorry.


	33. Chapter 33

Shepard's heart had nearly stopped when Kaidan said he had to go back to Vancouver.  For a split second he’d thought it was because Kaidan wanted to leave him.  He felt guilty at the relief that filled him when he realized he’d misunderstood.  Pushing the conflicting emotions away he focused on Kaidan.  Kaidan’s brown eyes, nearly always calm, were wide with fear and Shepard's protective instinct kicked in in response.  "What can I do to help?" He took Kaidan's hands into his own.  They were cold, and Shepard began rubbing them between his own, heedless of the oil he was spreading over the other man's skin.

Kaidan didn't notice it.  "I need to leave today.  I can get there on my bike in a couple of days-"

"You can't do that," Shepard interrupted.  He didn't know the details of what was wrong with Kaidan's dad, but if he was this worried, it couldn't be good.  A couple of days was too long.  "There's an airport a  few hours north of here.  I can give you a ride, and you can be in Vancouver tonight.  Tomorrow morning at the latest."

The idea of driving Kaidan that far away made Shepard's skin itch and his heartbeat speed up, but he ignored the symptoms.  The relief in Kaidan's eyes was palpable, and Shepard wouldn't let him down.  He'd take his damn pills if he needed to.  This was an emergency.

Kaidan sagged slightly.  "Thank you." He leaned forward and Shepard wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug.  

Shepard was disappointed when Kaidan pulled out of the embrace, but he understood the urgency.  "Give me twenty minutes to finish this oil change, and I'll be ready to go.”  

Kaidan nodded curtly.  "I'll go pack a few things." His eyes bounced around.  He was probably making a mental list of what needed to be done.  Suddenly, his eyes focused on Shepard.  "Are you going to be all right driving me to the airport?  It's pretty far, and there's bound to be crowds and traffic and-"

Shepard shook his head to cut him off.  "Don't worry about me.  Go get ready."

Kaidan tried one more time.  "Maybe Miranda or Ashley-"

"I'll be fine," Shepard interrupted again.  He would be because he had to be.

Brown eyes looked up at him, searching for the truth of Shepard's words.  He smiled warmly and resisted the urge to cup Kaidan’s face and smear more grease on him.  In the midst of his worry about his father, Kaidan still worried about Shepard too.  It was no wonder he had fallen in love with this man so easily.  He hadn't said so yet.  The time had never seemed quite right, although he honestly had no idea what the "right time" would actually feel like.  The words pressed against the inside of his lips, but instead of speaking them, he said "Go get packed."

Kaidan nodded and rushed into the house.  Shepard hurried to finish the oil change on Gabby's car.  She had left it with the intention of picking it up that afternoon, so he called Jack and asked her to meet Gabby later to take payment and hand over the keys.  

"Are you sure you're okay to take him to the airport?" Jack asked, worry clear in her tone.

Shepard sighed in exasperation.  "I'm fine.”  And he would keep saying it until everyone believed it, including himself.

"How long has it been since you've gone that far from home?"

Shepard didn't answer the question.  The last time he'd been to the airport was over a year ago when he'd come home from Denver and they both knew it.  "You sound like a worried mother," he grumbled.

"Someone has to watch your back," she retorted.  

"I'll take my meds.”

There was a beat of silence, and then he heard Jack sigh.  "All right, but you call me if you have any problems."

Since that was the plan anyway, he agreed.  As he hung up the phone, Kaidan came back into the garage.  He had a duffle bag that he must have dug out of Shepard's closet, and he was wearing his leather jacket.  Shepard couldn't help but admire him in it.  Leather looked good on Kaidan.  

"I just need to grab something before we go." Shepard held up his blackened hands.  "And take care of this."

Kaidan nodded, and went out the back door to get in the truck.  Shepard rushed inside to clean up.  He was in a hurry so he didn't bother trying to do more than one wash.  His hands still looked grimy, but at least he wouldn't get oil all over everything.  On the way out, he grabbed his prescription bottle from the drawer in his bedroom.  He wouldn't take a pill until he absolutely needed it.  One of the warnings on the label was that it caused drowsiness, and that symptom always hit him like a load of bricks.

He found Kaidan waiting for him, leaning against the side of the truck.  "Let's go." Shepard climbed straight into the driver's seat without pause.  "Have you called ahead about tickets?" he asked once Kaidan was seated beside him.

"Already purchased," Kaidan answered.  "I'll probably have to wait at the airport for about an hour once we get there."

Shepard nodded, and began to pull out backwards until he was on the main street.  Kaidan remained silent, staring out the window as they drove.  Shepard threw glances at him every once in a while, but didn't ask him any questions.  The only one he could think of was _Are you all right?_ , but he knew that was stupid.  It was obvious Kaidan wasn't okay.

When they'd been on the road for a while, Kaidan started speaking just loud enough to be heard over the music Shepard had turned on to keep his mind occupied during the drive.  "We're not very close," he said dully.  “My dad and I.”

Shepard cast a sideways glance at Kaidan.  He was still looking out the window, and Shepard frowned, wishing he could see his expression.  "How come?" This was new information, and his curiosity was strong.

"I never did quite meet his expectations," Kaidan answered.  "My grades could be perfect, but if I wasn't doing four different extra curricular activities I was being lazy.  When I went to college, he was disappointed that I didn't choose to go to some big name  university out of town.  For a while he seemed happy when I went to police academy, but apparently it wasn't good enough to only be in the top ten graduates.  Nothing was ever good enough."  He fell silent, and looked at Shepard.  His brown eyes were as dull as his voice, but he smiled slightly.  "He liked Rahna, though."

Shepard didn't know how he felt about that statement.  Did that mean that Kaidan's dad wouldn't like him?  

Apparently reading his mind, Kaidan reached over and put his hand on Shepard's thigh.  "I stopped letting his opinion of me direct my actions more than a decade ago." He laughed quietly, his dark eyes warming slightly.  "There's a slightly rebellious part of me that would love introducing you to him.  He liked Rahna because I was 'settling down with a good young woman' and 'soon I'd understand how hard it was to have children'."

"You think he'd disapprove of me?" Shepard finally asked.

Kaidan shook his head.  "Not you as an individual," he explained.  "I think my dad would respect you.  You're a good man, you run your own business, and you served your country.  He might even shake your hand if it wasn't perfectly clean." He chuckled at that, glancing at Shepard's hands which still had grease embedded in the creases of his skin.  Then he sighed and his expression dimmed slightly.  "He'd be more upset that I'm not passing on the family name."

Shepard shook his head at the old-fashioned concept.  "Is that all you are to him?" He tried to inject a little humor into his voice.  "A family breeding machine?"

Kaidan laughed, but it was short and slightly bitter.  "I don't know, maybe.  The joke's on him though.  I can't have children."

That brought Shepard's head around to stare at Kaidan in surprise.  "What?"

Kaidan tilted his head toward the windshield and Shepard jerked his eyes back to the road at the gentle reminder.  "Yeah, Rahna wanted children.  But when it didn't happen after a few years we both got tested."

"So you're shooting blanks?"

"Mostly," Kaidan answered with a small grin.  It was strained, but Shepard was glad to hear there was genuine humor in his voice.  "There was still a small chance, but it never happened."  He shrugged.  "I guess that turned out for the best since Rahna and I are no longer together."

"Maybe you would still be together if you had kids," Shepard suggested.  It felt strange to say that, considering how glad he was that Kaidan was in his life, but it was the simple truth.

"Maybe?" Kaidan said uncertainly.  "I know some couples will stay together for the kids, but honestly, I don't know."

They fell silent for a few minutes.  Shepard didn't know what Kaidan was thinking about, but his mind was rolling over the idea of never having met the other man at all.  His life before Kaidan had not been bad.  He had friends, and he had his job.  And his cat.  Sex was fun, but he was capable of taking care of his own needs.  He had been happy.  Having Kaidan around just... enhanced the feeling.  There was something special about sharing his daily life with the other man.  An intimacy he didn't share with any of his other friends.  Maybe it was selfish, but he was glad Rahna had left Kaidan.  Her loss, his win.

"Do you want kids?" Shepard asked suddenly.

Kaidan started. His answer was slow, the words drawn out with uncertainty. "Well, yeah.”

"What about adoption?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kaidan tilt his head thoughtfully.  "I'm open to it.  Rahna and I discussed it, but nothing ever came of it."

_Maybe because things were already going wrong between the two of you._ He didn’t voice the thought aloud, though.  He didn't know Rahna, and he was trying very hard to not dislike her out of hand.  Besides, that wasn't why he'd asked the question.  "What about in the future?" he asked carefully.  "I... I kind of want kids someday, but..."

"But you don't like women?" Kaidan’s voice was uncertain.  

"I like women," Shepard reminded him.  "But I'm with you.  And I don't see that ending any time soon."  

_Say the words,_ he thought to himself.   _Make sure he understands._

But the words didn't come.  Now was not a good time.

He chanced a look at Kaidan, and found him smiling warmly.  "What?"

"I'm glad my bike broke down." Kaidan reached a hand across the seat and squeezed Shepard’s thigh.

Shepard chuckled, catching his meaning.  He took one of his hands off the steering wheel and lowered it to link their fingers together.  "Me too, Kaidan."

The rest of the ride was mostly quiet, although they did speak of less weighty things for the next hour of the trip.  A low level of anxiety was creeping around the edges of Shepard's consciousness, but for the most part he was able to deal with it by practicing breathing exercises.  Kaidan seemed to know when he needed to take his mind off how far he was outside his comfort zone and would strike up a conversation to distract him.

When they finally reached the airport, Shepard was still feeling pretty good although one look at the crowds of people in the pick up and drop off zones told him he couldn't go inside.  That would be too much.  

"Just drop me off." Kaidan put a hand on Shepard's thigh and squeezed gently.  "You've done enough by getting me here."

Still, Shepard had to ask.  "Are you sure?"

Kaidan nodded.  "You can't go past the security gates anyway.  We can just say goodbye at the curb."

The anxiety that had been a low buzz suddenly roared up.  He didn't want to say goodbye to Kaidan.  His fingers clenched on the steering wheel and he felt his teeth grind together at the sudden surge of fear.  

"Hey, Matt." Kaidan noticed his reaction.  "You okay?"

Forcing his muscles to relax, Shepard nodded and gave Kaidan a reassuring smile.  "I just realized how much I'm going to miss you," he said as he pulled into an empty place next to the curb.

Kaidan waited until they came to a stop and then wrapped his arms around Shepard, pulling him close.  The hug was awkward because of the angle, but it did a lot to calm Shepard's heart.  "I'm going to miss you too," Kaidan said against his ear.  "But I'll come back."

Shepard nodded, not trusting himself to speak.  He returned the hug, tightening his arms just before pulling back.  "Call me when you get there.  I need to know you made it safe."

"Of course." Kaidan smiled reassuringly.  His smile faded, and he sighed before reaching for the door handle and getting out of the truck, going around the back to get his bag.

Shepard turned on the emergency brake and got out as well.  He rushed around the back just as Kaidan was stepping up on the curb to walk into the airport.  Shepard pulled him around and crushed his mouth against Kaidan's.  Soft lips opened under his, and he swept his tongue in, moaning quietly at the familiar taste of his lover.  

When the kiss ended, Shepard felt as dazed as Kaidan looked.  He grinned.  "Something to keep you warm at night while you're gone," he teased.

Kaidan's eyes darkened and he returned Shepard's grin.  "There’s always phone calls.  I’m sure we’ll find a way of making those interesting...."

Shepard laughed and kissed him again, this time just a simple peck, but just as intimate.  "I suddenly see a bright side to this trip.”

And then he was releasing Kaidan, and watching him walk away.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not know any French. Ok, that's a lie. I know "merde". But that's it. So if I murdered the tiny bit of French I used in this chapter, please blame Google Translate.

When Kaidan's plane landed in Vancouver, the first person he called was Shepard.  It was early morning because the trip had included two flights, one of which was a redeye.  He was exhausted because he hadn't slept very well on the planes.  

Shepard's voice was rough with sleep when he answered.  "Kaidan." The smile was evident in his voice.  "You're in Vancouver?"

"Yeah, I'm walking out of the airport right now," Kaidan answered as he stepped through sliding glass doors.  A blast of cold air made him shiver.  One summer in the desert would not make him forget how cold it could get in Canada, but that didn't mean he enjoyed the icy wind trying to work its way into the collar of his jacket.  "You sound like you just woke up?  Isn't this sleeping in for you?"

"It was a rough night," Shepard answered.  "The drive home was... unpleasant, and I didn't sleep very well without you."

Kaidan felt a pang of guilt.  He should have tried harder to talk Shepard out of driving him to the city, but he'd wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he got on the plane.  "I'm sorry.  I should have asked someone else for-"

"No." Shepard’s voice was gentle.  "I wanted to be with you."

Kaidan paused on the sidewalk where Taxi's were lined up waiting for passengers.  He closed his eyes briefly, picturing Shepard as he was in the mornings.  He had let his hair grow out a little as the weather cooled down, and it would probably be sticking out in all directions.  There would very likely be creases on his skin from the blankets and pillows, and his blue eyes would be half lidded while a lazy smile played about his lips.  Kaidan wanted to be there with him right now instead of standing out in the cold in a city far away.  "I miss you."

"I miss you too.”

"I should go," Kaidan said after a moment.  "I'll call you after I see my dad."

After he hung up with Shepard, Kaidan chose a taxi and then called his mother.  She was at the hospital with his father, and because of the way her voice was shaking he decided to go straight there instead of stopping to refresh himself at his condo.  The taxi ride didn't feel long despite the fact that it took him through half the city.  He watched familiar landmarks as they passed outside the window, and wished Shepard were with him.  It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling.  The thought that he should have asked Shepard to come with him had popped into his mind several times during the trip.

But he'd seen Shepard tucking the bottle of prescription pills into his pocket as he came out of the house.  He'd sensed the other man's anxiety several times on the drive to the airport, and had felt the tenseness in his muscles when they had held each other in the truck just before saying goodbye.  It had taken a lot of effort for Shepard to make that drive.  Kaidan recognized that it was the farthest from home Shepard had been in a very long time and was proud of him for that.  Shepard was getting better, pushing his boundaries more and more.  But traveling to a different country, to a city he'd never been to before, would have been too much, too fast.  So Kaidan hadn't asked him to come, as much as he’d wanted to.  

Instead, he just noted all the places he would point out to Shepard if he was ever able to visit Vancouver.  The thoughts calmed him.  He hadn't been exaggerating when he’d told Shepard about his relationship with his father, but he still loved the old man.  Kaidan had pushed himself hard to please his father, and even now wanted every scrap of approval he could get from him.  He felt guilty now, for running away from Vancouver and his problems.

He hadn’t even said goodbye.  What if the last time he’d seen his father was when Kaidan had been in the hospital, shaking and sick from withdrawal?  The thought made him nauseous.

At the hospital, Kaidan found his father's room quickly with the directions of a friendly receptionist.  He stopped in the doorway, taking in the scene.  Damien Alenko lay unnaturally still in the bed, looking fragile and pale under the harsh white light of the fluorescents.  The IVs in his arms, and the oxygen tube in his nose completed the picture of a very sick man.  He did not look good, although Kaidan felt a vague sense of relief that he wasn't on life support.  His mother had not given him a lot of details, only asking him to come home.  

Marisa Alenko sat in a chair beside the bed, one of her hands resting over her husband's.  The other was at her mouth, probing at her bottom lip like she always did when she was upset.  Her eyes, the same dark shade as Kaidan's own, stared into the middle distance, and worry lines marred the skin between her brows.  Her black hair had more grey at the temples than Kaidan remembered, and he wondered how much of that was because of his own disappearance and how much of that was just normal for her age.

"Hey, Mom," he said softly, bringing her dark eyes up to his.

"Kaidan," she exclaimed softly as she rose out of the chair.  She opened her arms to him, and he automatically pulled her into a hug.

The top of her head barely reached Kaidan's chin, and she felt small in his arms.  She hadn't been taller than him since he was in his mid teens, but her hugs still made him feel protected and safe.  He squeezed her probably a little too tightly, but he couldn't help it.  He'd missed her.  Phone calls a few times a week were not quite the same as dinners and shopping trips.  Rahna had teased him about being a Mama's Boy, and Kaidan could admit to himself that she was probably right.  He was definitely closer to his mother than to his father, anyway.

"Hello, Maman," he said against her hair.  "Tu m’as manqué."

"I've missed you too, sweetheart," Marisa said as she pulled back and looked at him.  Tears glittered in her eyes, but she was smiling at him.  "Thank you for coming home."

Kaidan almost pointed out that Citadel was home now, but it wasn't important at the moment.  "How's Dad?"

Marisa turned to direct a worried look at her husband.  "He is stable," she answered.  "But it will take some time before they know how bad the damage is."  She went back to her seat next to the bed, and lifted one of his pale hands in her own as she spoke.  "They're observing him right now to make sure he doesn't have another stroke."

Kaidan stepped closer to the bed, and looked down at his father, trying to see the healthy, robust man he remembered.  "Do they think that's a possibility?"

"It's a precaution they always take," Marisa replied.

That made Kaidan feel slightly better.  There was another chair in the room, and he pulled it close so he could sit next to the bed as well.  

They spoke quietly, mostly about his father and the diagnoses the doctors had already made.  Eventually talk turned to who was taking care of business at the Orchard and the Winery.  His mother and father ran the company together, although they did have people who could take care of things for a short time if needed.

Kaidan hesitated when his mother asked him if he would run things for a little while.  Wrex had given him a few weeks of leave in order to take care of things at home, despite the fact that Kaidan hadn't been working for him very long.  His mother knew that he was building a life there.  He didn't want to commit to anything here that would take him away from Citadel.  He hedged around an answer, saying he would keep an eye on things for a few days, careful not to make any promises.

Marisa didn't seem very pleased with that, but she accepted his offer for now.  Kaidan tried to ignore the tingle of unease he felt over the whole thing.  While they’d been speaking, she'd glossed over his mentions of Citadel.  He allowed her to steer the conversation away from it, mostly because he was interested in what was going on here.

Maybe he was just being paranoid because he was tired.  He had to stifle several yawns, and he was starting to get that heavy feeling that always indicated lack of sleep.

When he yawned again, Marisa gave him a soft smile.  "Maybe you should go home and get some rest.  You look like you need it."

"Non, Maman," he protested.  "I'd like to talk to him if he wakes up."

"Ne sois pas bête," she said with a wave of her hand.  "You look exhausted.  Go get some rest.  You can come back after you look a little more human."

Kaidan smiled wryly.  He probably looked like a wreck.  "All right.  But call me if anything changes?"

She promised she would, and he kissed her on the forehead before leaving.  Just outside the door he collided with a smaller person.  He pulled back to apologize, but the words froze in his throat when he recognized who it was.  "Rahna?" He was too shocked to mince words.  "What are you doing here?"

Hazel eyes blinked up at him in surprise.  "Kaidan, hi." Her voice sounded breathless.  Hearing it sent a jolt through Kaidan’s stomach because they hadn’t spoken for so long.  "I didn't know you were here."  Her eyes dropped away from his, not quite settling on anything.  "I just came to see if your mother needed anything."

"I just got into town.” He shifted uncomfortably.  A familiar ache bloomed in his chest, and his skin began to itch.  "I'm just going to get some sleep and some food."

Rahna finally looked back up at him, but her expression was still hesitant.  "You've been away?" Apparently no one had told her about his trip.

"Uh, yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck.  This was a conversation he really didn't want to have right now.  He didn’t really want to talk to her at all, really.  "I've been away for a while."

"Oh," she said.  

The word hung between them.   He could tell she was curious, but seeing her here like this, now of all times, made him angry.  They were divorced.  He was under no obligations to talk to her about his life.  "Anyway." His tone was a little too sharp.  "I'll probably be back this afternoon."

Hopefully she wouldn't be.  He didn't wait for her to respond.  Slipping past her he left, hurrying down the hall to avoid hearing her if she tried to call him back.  

It wasn't running.  It was a tactical retreat.

Another taxi took him to his condo.  It took the whole length of the ride before the craving he’d been feeling as soon as he’d started speaking to Rahna began to fade.

He had a hard time thinking of the condo as home.  When he let himself in, the air was stale and the place felt bare when he compared it to his memories of Shepard's house.  There were paintings on the wall, pieces that he had purchased specifically for their bright colors.  But it wasn't quite the same as the shelves full of model cars and planes that Shepard had.  The furniture seemed sparse in the space.  And the large, neatly made bed in his room was too big.

Too empty.

Kaidan sighed and dropped his bag just inside the bedroom door.  He needed to take a shower, but now that he didn't have adrenaline keeping him awake he just wanted to lie down.

He stripped down naked, and grabbed his mobile out of his jeans pocket before sliding under the comforter on the bed.  Lying on his side, he watched the screen of his phone while it rang.

"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard sounded much more awake now. "How's your dad?"

"He's still under observation." Kaidan put the phone on speakerphone and set it on the bed near his face.  "We'll find out more in the next few days."

"How are you doing?" Shepard asked quietly.

Kaidan ran a hand over his face, and rubbed at the bridge of his nose with his fingers.  "Tired," he answered.  "And worried."

"You have a reason to be.”

"It's not just my dad," Kaidan said.  "It's my mom."

He went on to explain about the company and how he suspected his mother might want him to stick around for a while and run things until his father recovered.  "The thing is, I don't mind helping out a little bit.  But I'm worried that she'll use it as leverage to keep me here."

There was silence on the line.  "Kaidan, if they need you-"

Kaidan cut him off quickly.  "I'm not staying here.  Not for more than a few weeks anyway."

He heard Shepard sigh.  It sounded relieved.  "All right," he said softly.  "That's... that's good to hear."

Kaidan smiled and reached out to touch the phone screen.  It had gone dark to save power, no longer showing Shepard's picture.  "As tired as I am, I think it's not going to be easy to sleep.  I've gotten used to your bed.  This one is too big."

"You're in bed?" Shepard’s tone was laced with eagerness.  "Does that mean you're naked?"

Kaidan chuckled.  "Yeah, I am."

"Really?" Shepard drawled.  

"What about you?" Kaidan asked.  "Are you dressed yet?"

"I'm wearing pants, but I can fix that.”

Suddenly Kaidan wasn’t quite so tired.  “Yeah, you should do that.”

There was a rustling sound.  Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to picture Shepard scrambling out of his clothes.  In his mind he could see all that bare skin, marked by ink and scars, and his fingers itched to touch it.  He did the next best thing and ran his hands over his own skin, imagining the fingers touching him had different calluses.

“Back.”

Kaidan smiled.  “Naked?”

“Oh yeah.  What are you doing?”

Kaidan slid his hand down, digging his fingers gently through the curly hair around his groin.  “What do you want me to do?”

Shepard made a small sound of want and frustration.  “I want you to come home and let me ride you.”

A laugh bubbled up in Kaidan’s throat.  He pressed the heel of his hand into the base of his dick and slid it upwards.  “Well you’ll have to settle for listening to me jack off for now.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

Kaidan grinned and changed his grip until he was stroking himself.  “Oh yeah.”

They spoke, the words hushed and rumbling with desire as they painted pictures of what they were doing and what they wished they were doing to each other.  Kaidan missed Shepard’s touch, but the intimacy of talking each other through their fantasies had a unique pleasure of its own.  Soon he was pumping into his fist, coming over his stomach, listening to Shepard’s ragged breathing as he did the same.

And when they were finished, they listened to each other breathe.

When Kaidan realized he was beginning to nod off he stretched, and rolled out of the bed to get a towel.  He took the phone with him into the bathroom.  "I need to get some sleep," he said.  "Can I call you later?"

"You know you can call me at any time," Shepard said softly.  "Sleep well."

"Thanks," Kaidan replied just as quietly.   _I love you._  It was on the tip of his tongue.  But he didn't want to say it over the phone when there was so much space between them.  "Goodbye," he said instead.

After he hung up the phone he tossed it onto the bedside table, and settled back onto the bed on his stomach.  He was asleep within minutes.

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, check out the playlist JJ made for me!  
> http://jupiter-james.tumblr.com/post/73955185398/heres-the-mshenko-fanmix-made-for-ltleflrt-and
> 
> (I added the artwork and a fancier link to chapter 1)

The quiet that Shepard normally valued was beginning to drive him crazy.  It had been a week since Kaidan had left to visit his family, and with Jack having moved out, the house was too silent.  Too empty.  

Normandy sensed that Shepard was on edge, and followed him around when he was inside.  He was sure she also missed Kaidan, because sometimes she would start meowing as if she wanted something.  She would sit on her haunches in the middle of the living room and watch him expectantly as she yowled, but if he tried to pick her up she would run off.  At night she finally deigned to curl up with him and let him pet her, but every morning so far he'd woken up to find her sleeping on Kaidan's pillow.

Shepard didn't blame her.  Despite the small size of the bed, it felt empty without Kaidan in it.  He marveled that he'd gotten so used to having the other man with him in such a short time.  

The loneliness hadn’t been so bad during the week while he was working, and his nightly calls with Kaidan had helped, but it was Friday night, and Shepard was not looking forward to going into the weekend by himself.  He would probably bury himself in work on the car he was restoring, just to avoid having too much time to think.

He didn't have much more to do, though.  As he sat inside the car, installing new wires for the restored dashboard, he calculated the things he had left to finish.  He already had the engine rebuilt.  Everything else was cosmetic.  Other than the paint job he had planned for it, he probably only had a few more days of work to do.

Maybe he could see if Steve wanted any maintenance done on the fire engines this weekend.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a voice calling his name.  Sitting up straight, Shepard saw Ashley standing in the open doorway of the garage, looking around for him.

"I'm here." He got out of the car and beckoned her in out of the drizzling rain.  "What's up, Ash?"

Ashley smiled at him and held out a basket covered with cloth napkins.  "I came to check on you."

Shepard took it from her and lifted an eyebrow at her when he caught the scent of food.  "Thanks," he said warmly.  "Why are you checking on me?"  He walked over to the workbench and flipped back the napkins to find a burger and fries, still warm from the grill.  He looked up long enough to flash her a smile.  "Not that I'm complaining."

"Jack says you're being mopey," Ashley answered.  She'd come up beside him, and was reaching into the basket to grab a couple of fries.  "I figured you could use some company."

Shepard sighed.  "Am I that obvious?"  He lifted the burger out and turned to lean his back against the workbench.  He took a bite.  Extra mayo and pickles.  Delicious.

Ashley laughed at his blissful expression and stole another fry before joining him at the bench.  "Yeah, you do seem a bit like a lost puppy."

He wasn't going to tell her that he had moments when that was exactly what he felt like.  He didn't want to encourage her to think of him as a puppy.  "I am feeling a bit at loose ends," he said after he'd swallowed.  

"I miss him," Ashley said.  "I mean, I obviously don't see him as much as you do."  She looked up at him, and her dark eyes sparkled with mischief.  "Or as much of him."

Shepard laughed.  "You are totally missing out.”  He took another bite of his burger, and chewed smugly.

Ashley sighed dramatically.  "Too bad he set his eyes on you.  Maybe if he'd seen me first...."

Shepard cradled his burger in one hand, and wrapped his free arm around her shoulders, careful not to touch her with his greasy fingers.  "Sorry, Ash.  You'll find your Mister Right, though.  Don’t worry."

She snorted.  "If I haven't found him in Citadel yet, I'm not going to.”  She leaned into his side and sighed again, this time sincerely.  "And it's not like sexy drifters like Kaidan decide to stick around very often."

There were plenty of tourists in the summer, but they never stayed for long.  Ashley was a lot like Shepard in that she didn't want a short fling, although he knew for a fact she'd had the occasional fling with a vacationing rock climber.  He'd noticed, and approved of her choices.  Ashley had very good taste in men.

"Have you thought of looking for a girlfriend instead?" He was only teasing, of course.

Because he was teasing, her response shocked him.  "Yeah, of course.  But it doesn't change the fact that I live in a small town, and the only women I'd be interested in are either taken, or not into women."

Shepard blinked down at her in surprise.  It took a few heartbeats before he found his voice.  "Ashley Williams," he scolded.  "Are you telling me that you swing both ways?"

Ashley shrugged as if it were not a revelation.  Her tone was casual.  "Chicks are hot."

He laughed.  He couldn't help it.  He was a few years older than Ashley, but he'd known her since she was a little scrapper in the elementary playground.  "I can't believe I never knew this about you."

"You never asked," Ashley replied flippantly.  

Shaking his head, Shepard went back to eating his meal.  "Well, you'll find someone eventually."

"Thanks.” She continued picking at his fries and they fell into a comfortable silence as they ate.  After a few minutes she gave him a searching look.  "Have you thought of going to Vancouver to see him?"

Shepard sighed.  "Yeah."

"Did he not want you to go?"

It was true that Kaidan hadn't asked him to go, but Shepard didn't think it was because he didn't want him there.  Kaidan was the only one besides Jack who knew about Shepard's agoraphobia.  Most people knew about his PTSD.  They expected it since he'd come home injured from a war.  "It's complicated," he answered.  "I have... issues with traveling."

Ashley raised an eyebrow at him.  "I thought you loved traveling.  That's why you joined the army, isn't it?"

Shepard shifted uncomfortably.  He wasn't sure exactly why it bothered him to tell people what was wrong with him.  It was a weakness, of course.  No one liked to admit when they were weak.  But Ashley was one of his best friends.  She wouldn't judge him for it.  Would she?

It was ridiculous that he was even afraid of it.  She was more likely to give him crap about being afraid of her reaction than the actual news about his illness.  Still, it took him a moment to form the words.  

He opened and closed his mouth a few times before Ashley rolled her eyes at him.  "Spit it out already."

Shepard glared at her, but finally gritted the words out.  "I have agoraphobia."

Ashley stared at him blankly for a few seconds as she processed his words.  Her head tilted in confusion and her nose wrinkled slightly, reminding him of why he’d always thought she was so damn cute.  "Isn't that a fear of going outside? How could you have that? You go outside all the time."

He shook his head.  "That's not exactly how it works."  He wanted to laugh at her reaction.  It was almost exactly what he'd said to Doctor Chakwas when she'd diagnosed him.   "Wide open spaces can trigger it for some people, and others can't handle crowds of people.  For me, it's a fear of unfamiliar places and people.  That's pretty common, and some people can't leave their houses."

"But you're okay with leaving your house?" Ashley asked.  There was no judgement in her tone or her expression.  Just thoughtful curiosity.

Now that he was finally talking about it, Shepard found the words came easier.  "Most of the time.  As long as I'm somewhere familiar and there aren't a lot of strangers."  He shrugged and gestured outside.  "Citadel is my home, and it's small.  Familiar.  The tourists don't bother me unless they need a flat tire patched or something."

"Huh," Ashley said as she popped another fry into her mouth.  She chewed thoughtfully for a moment.  "So that's why you won't go to Thessia with us for shopping trips anymore?"  Her eyes widened.  "Man, when you had to take Jack to the hospital... you practically disappeared for a few days."

"Panic attacks," Shepard confirmed with a nod.  "I had a hard time leaving the house until they calmed down."

He expected her to look at him with pity, but her expression was thoughtful again.  "So no trip to Vancouver, then.  Are there any meds you can take that help?"

"Xanax helps in the short term," Shepard answered.  "In the long term, the best I can do is try to push my boundaries a little at a time."

They lapsed into silence again, and Shepard worked on finishing his burger.  Ashley ate most of his fries, which he didn't mind.  It was nice sharing a meal with someone again.  The thought made his chest ache.  He missed Kaidan.  Daily phone calls were not enough.  He wanted to share breakfast with him.  Visit him at the Sheriff's office.  Sit with his feet in Kaidan's lap while they watched movies.

Kaidan's father was doing well, and would be getting out of the hospital soon.  That was good news of course, but the last time they had talked, Kaidan had told him he would probably be staying in Canada for a little while.  He was going to help his mother with the family business until they had trained someone to take on a larger workload.  His dad would eventually recover enough to go back to most of his own duties, but his mom would need someone helping her in the meantime.  

Shepard had been dismayed at the news, but he understood.  He would do the same in Kaidan's position.  But he didn’t like the idea of not having Kaidan around for the holidays.  He'd been looking forward to Thanksgiving, but now the idea of spending the day without Kaidan was depressing the hell out of Shepard.  

Eventually Ashley said her goodbyes and Shepard went back to work.  The hours passed slowly until the end of the day.  When Shepard finally closed shop, it was a huge relief.  The work had not helped to keep his mind off how much he missed Kaidan.

After a shower and a meal of cold leftover spaghetti, Shepard looked at the clock.  Kaidan should be calling him soon.  He hurried into his room and made himself comfortable in bed.  The phone rang and all the depression he'd been feeling melted away under his excitement.  He picked up the receiver and pushed it hard to his ear.  "Kaidan."

"Matt."  Kaidan didn't sound quite the same over the phone, but his husky voice still managed to convey his smile.  "How are you?"

"Better now," Shepard answered honestly.

"Was something wrong?"  Kaidan's tone was worried, and Shepard could picture the way his eyebrows would furrow over his beautiful dark eyes.

"I just miss you."  That was a bit of an understatement, but Kaidan didn’t need to know how hard this was for Shepard.  He had enough on his plate right now.

"God, I miss you too, Matt," Kaidan replied.  His voice sounded tired.  "I miss Citadel.  How is everyone?"

"Well, you know how small town life is.  Things are as boring as ever here.  The biggest news is that Jack is getting her cast taken off tomorrow," Shepard replied.  "Miranda still hasn't killed her yet, obviously."

Kaidan chuckled.  "It must be love."

"Or insanity," Shepard pointed out.  "But I guess there isn't much difference."  He paused.  "How are things on your end?"

Kaidan’s sigh was long.  “I wasn’t prepared for how much work I’d be doing when I came up here,” he said wearily.  “I wish I hadn’t let my mother rope me into helping her with the business.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Not the work itself.”  Kaidan’s voice had an edge to it.  He was hesitating over something.

“What’s wrong?” Shepard prodded.

There was a moment of silence.  Shepard’s mind filled it with possibilities.  The worst of which was that Kaidan wouldn’t be coming back.  The thought terrified him, and he began to feel the buzz of a panic attack flying around the edges of his awareness.

“It’s Rahna,” Kaidan said after a moment.  The way he said her name… he sounded frustrated.

Shepard sat up.  His fingertips began to tingle as his blood pressure started to go up.  “What do you mean?” he demanded.  

Kaidan had told him that he’d run into Rahna a few times at the hospital when she came to visit his parents.  Shepard hadn’t felt jealous, not really.  Kaidan had sounded irritated when he’d mentioned it the first time, but had said he couldn’t begrudge her the visits since she was still close with his mother.  But now Kaidan’s tone was setting off alarms in Shepard’s brain.

“She’s the one I’m training to help with the business until Dad is recovered,” Kaidan answered.

“She works for them?”  Shepard was having a hard time connecting his thoughts.  

“That’s how I met her,” Kaidan said.  There was a pop and a hiss, and Shepard could picture him sprawled on the couch with a beer.  “She manages the sales of the wine to stores and restaurants.  Since she’s already familiar with some of the inner workings of the business, she’s a good candidate to be my mother’s assistant.  The good news is that she should be ready to take over for me fairly quickly.”

Shepard could still hear the frustration threading through Kaidan’s voice.  “What’s the bad news?”

“I think my mother is hoping that by throwing us together like this, maybe something might come of it.”

“Something?” Shepard prompted.  He already knew the answer, but he couldn’t help asking.

“Matt.”  Kaidan’s voice was firm.  “Nothing is going to happen.  My mother means well, but Rahna and I will never get back together.  And when things are settled down enough that I’m no longer needed here, I am coming back to Citadel.”

There was so much conviction in Kaidan’s voice that Shepard instantly relaxed.  He believed him.  Kaidan was a good man.  He was honest, and believed in integrity and honor.  If he told Shepard that there was nothing between him and Rahna, then it was the truth.  The jealousy that had been threatening to overwhelm Shepard drained away.  

Shepard lay back down, propping his head on an arm curled behind his neck.  “You probably won’t be home in time for Thanksgiving, will you?”

There was a beat of silence, as if Kaidan were surprised by Shepard’s lack of reaction.  “No,” he said after a moment.  “I’ll probably be here until December.”

“How about I come visit you?” Shepard asked, surprising himself with the question.  

“Come… here?” Kaidan’s voice was confused, but then it brightened noticeably.  “I’d like that.  Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

“How long do you think it’ll take to drive up there?” Shepard was going to make this trip if Kaidan wanted him there, but he wasn’t about to try taking a flight.  The idea of walking into a crowded airport made him uncomfortable, but if he drove he would at least have the familiarity of his truck.  It would be like bringing a piece of home with him.

“Fifteen to twenty hours.  But are you sure you’ll be all right, Matt?” Some of the excitement in Kaidan’s tone had been replaced by worry, but he still sounded hopeful.

Shepard’s jaw grew firm with determination.  “I’ll be fine, Kaidan.”  He would need to refill his prescription just in case, but he really thought he would be okay.  A sudden idea struck him when he remembered his conversation with Ashley from earlier.  “Would you mind if I brought a friend?  It would help to have someone with me.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed quickly.  “I’ve got a spare room.”

Shepard grinned.  He just hoped Ashley would want to go with him.  He would make the trip alone if he had to, but he had a feeling she would be up for it.  He’d recognized the longing in her voice, and while she might have been talking about finding a relationship, he knew that just getting out of Citadel would probably be all she needed to brighten up.  Shepard knew Jack could cover the shop for a few days.  He just hoped that Ashley could get off work.  “Ok, then.  Send me your address, and I’ll be there in a few days.”

It was too late in the day for Shepard to leave immediately, so they spoke late into the night.  The conversation was light and cheerful, unlike the talks they’d had over the last week.  The excitement of being reunited infected them both.  And when the conversation turned sensual, it was even more intense than usual.  

When the call finally ended, it was too late for Shepard to call Ashley, but he dialed her number anyway.  She sounded sleepy when she answered, but he didn’t feel guilty for waking her.  “Hey Ash,” he said cheerfully.  “Want to go on a road trip?”

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I now have cover art! I posted it in Chapter 1 if you want to go back and check it out. Sketchingsparrow is so much fun to work with on fanart... you should totally check out her blog on Tumblr :D

The hospital was bustling with activity as Kaidan made his way his father’s room.  As usual he found his mother there.  Unlike when he first arrived in Vancouver, his father was awake.  

Damien Alenko had always seemed bigger than life to Kaidan.  He was a large man, with dark hair and green eyes.  His features were strong and sharp, and despite the difference in their coloring it was obvious that Kaidan had inherited his looks.  

In some ways, that was all Kaidan felt he had in common with the old man.  Damien had an internal drive for success and perfection that Kaidan didn’t really share.  It had led him to owning his own company by his late twenties while still working on the police force for many years.  A lot of that success was due to Kaidan’s mother, but Damien would say that marrying her was part of the master plan.  It sounded callous, until you saw the glint in his eye whenever he looked at his wife that showed he loved her dearly.  

Not that he would ever openly admit it.  Emotional reserve was also something that Kaidan’s father valued highly.  It was one of the reasons Kaidan had struggled so hard to please his father for so long.  It had been difficult to tell sometimes how much his father loved him.  Especially since Marisa had been so openly affectionate and nurturing.  It had taken  a long time for Kaidan to understand that just because his father didn’t fuss over him the way his mother did, it didn’t mean there wasn’t love there.

Unfortunately, while Kaidan understood this about his father now, he couldn’t quite suppress some of his childhood fears and frustrations about him.  So when he entered the room, and his father turned to look at him with disapproval, Kaidan was already bristling.

“You’re late,” his father said.  His words were slurred slightly.  The stroke had been minor, but it had affected his motor skills, including his ability to form words.

Kaidan managed to keep the irritation out of his tone.  “I’m sorry.  The traffic was worse than I thought.”  He approached his mother, who had risen from her chair to greet him, and kissed her on the forehead.  “Hello maman.”

She patted him on the chest and gave him a smile.  “Thank you for coming,” she said.  “Although I could have driven him home myself.”

“I came to Vancouver to help.  This is helping.”  Kaidan didn’t tell her that he was avoiding going into the office because Rahna would be there.  He looked down at his father.  “Have you already been discharged?”

Damien nodded, but didn’t try to answer otherwise.  Kaidan felt a pang of guilt for his earlier irritation.  His father was going through a lot right now, and the least Kaidan could do was be a little understanding of his situation.  

“I’ll go get the nurse.” Marisa stopped to kiss Damien before she left the room.

Kaidan took the chair next to his father’s bed.  “I’m sure you’ll be glad to get out of here,” he said.

Damien nodded.  “Tired of hospital food.”

Kaidan chuckled.  “Boy, do I understand that.”

They shared a look.  Kaidan had been in the hospital for several weeks after he’d been injured in the mugging.  Damien had come to visit him a few times early on, when Kaidan’s condition had been the most critical, and their positions had been reversed.  And then a few years later Kaidan had overdosed.  The doctors had kept him long enough to detox, and Kaidan didn’t remember that time very well.  But he did remember that Damien had been there as well.

It seemed odd to him that it had been less than a full year since then.

Kaidan smiled slightly and reached out.  He didn’t quite touch his father’s hand, instead just laying his own on the sheets next to the other man’s fingers.  “I’m really glad you’re all right, Dad.”

Damien lifted his hand and bridged the tiny space between their fingers by placing it gently over Kaidan’s.  “Too stubborn to die.” His mouth twisted up into one of his rare smiles.  It was the one that Kaidan was always trying to earn.  “You get that from me, you know.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow.  “Stubbornness?”

“A will to live,” Damien corrected solemnly.  

Kaidan dropped his head to stare at the floor between his feet.  “Dad, I tried to kill myself.”

Damien didn’t say anything for a moment.  His fingers dug into Kaidan’s hand.  The pressure was weak, but Kaidan felt it.  “I know.” Damien’s voice was soft, and sounded tired.  “I’m glad you’re all right, too.”

A lump rose in Kaidan’s throat, and he swallowed.  When he felt tears prick at his eyes, he swallowed again.  When Damien had come to visit him in the hospital they hadn’t talked about what Kaidan had done.  Damien wasn’t the type of man to communicate, and Kaidan hadn’t been in the mood.  What was there to talk about?  Kaidan had messed up his marriage, and then had messed up his life with drug use, had nearly ended it in fact.  He’d always wanted to make his dad proud, but he’d messed that up too.

Somehow he’d managed to pull himself out of that pit.  Kaidan had found his place in a small town, and he barely thought about the darkest days of his life.  Now that he was back in Vancouver he was faced with reminders daily.  But he was dealing with it.  Much better than he would have thought he could.

His father’s words definitely helped, though.

“Thanks, Dad,” he said softly.  

The fingers lying gently over Kaidan’s hand squeezed again.  That was more affection than Kaidan had received from his dad in a long time.  He glanced up at Damien and opened his mouth to speak even though he wasn’t sure exactly what to say.  As good as it felt to have this moment with his father, talking about their feelings was something neither of them had a lot of practice at.  Before he could say anything, though, his mother had returned with a young orderly - and Rahna.

Kaidan straightened in his seat and cleared his throat.  He resisted the urge to wipe at his eyes.  A few blinks cleared his vision and he forced a smile for her.  “Hey, Rahna.”

“Hi, Kaidan.” She gave him an uncertain smile.

Kaidan got up so that he wouldn’t be in the way when the orderly helped his dad get dressed and into a wheelchair.  He gestured for Rahna to precede him, and they left the room.  

Outside, he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall next to the door.  He didn’t really feel like talking to Rahna, so he focused on his shoes.  They were a nice pair of leather dress shoes that he’d left in his closet when he’d left Vancouver early in the year.  Suddenly feeling homesick, he wiggled his toes, wishing he’d worn the tattered Nikes that Shepard had given him to use until Kaidan had a chance to buy new ones in Thessia.  They weren’t quite the right size, but they were comfortable, and more important they were Shepard’s.  He would have loved to have that small connection right now.

“Are we ever going to talk?” Rahna said after a moment.

Kaidan finally looked at her.  It struck him, as it always did, how beautiful she was.  Her dark hair was pulled away from her face to spill in wavy curls down her back.  It framed a heart shaped face that sometimes seemed to be mostly taken up by her dark almond shaped eyes.  Her mouth still looked slightly pouty, and ready to be kissed.  He’d always loved her mouth, but the urge to kiss her was no longer there.  Despite her beauty, he was not interested anymore.

And he wasn’t interested in talking either.  “Do you have questions about work?  We can cover them at the office-”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” she said sharply.

Kaidan sighed.  “Then the answer is probably not.”

“Kaidan-”

When Rahna reached out to touch him, Kaidan moved away.  “Now is not a good time, anyway.”  The door next to him opened, and his parents came out, his mother pushing his father in the wheelchair.  Kaidan straightened and turned to his parents, deliberately facing away from Rahna.  “I’ll go out and pull the car around and meet you outside.”

Marisa nodded.  Her eyes flicked between him and Rahna, but thankfully she didn’t say anything.  He knew she was disappointed that her attempts to throw them together wasn’t working.  But he’d had a long talk with her about Shepard, and he was fairly certain he’d made it clear that he and Rahna were over.  

Kaidan made his way out of the hospital to go pick up his car and bring it around to the doors where he could pick up his parents.  He tried to ignore the anger boiling inside of him.  How many times had he asked Rahna to talk and she’d turned away from him?  Now she wanted to talk?  

Thankfully, when he met his parents, Rahna was not with them.  His anger cooled, and he felt slightly guilty.  Giving Rahna a taste of her own treatment was not the best way to handle the situation.  And if she was going to be working so closely with his parents, he really should try to make peace with her.  

Getting his parents home and settled in took the rest of the day.  A home nurse had come by to set up the bathroom and shower, and to go over general care with Marisa, and Kaidan stayed with her to learn what he could as well.  Afterwards he made dinner for his parents and cleaned things up for them, before heading back to his condo.

His phone rang as he was pulling out his keys to let himself in.  He pulled his mobile out of his pocket and flipped it open.  The stress of the day melted away when he saw Shepard’s picture on the screen.  He thumbed the button to answer it and put it to his ear as he unlocked his door.  “Matt-”

“Nope, it’s me.”  Ashley’s voice was bright and cheerful, and despite the fact that he hadn’t been expecting to hear from her, Kaidan’s mood was buoyed by the sound of it.  

“Ash, why are you calling me from Matt’s phone?” He tossed his keys in a small bowl on a table near the door and started turning on lights.  He already knew she was coming to visit as well because Shepard had told him the last time they’d spoken.

“Because I don’t have your number in my own.” Her tone implied she was rolling her eyes at him.  “Shep is asleep in the back of the truck.  Apparently those pills he needs to take knock him out.”

Kaidan came to a stop in the middle of the living room.  “Is he okay?”  

“He started getting antsy a few hours ago, so he took a pill, and I took over driving.”

Kaidan winced.  Shepard had assured him that he would be fine, but Kaidan had seen how badly he’d reacted to the unexpected trips to Thessia.  He ran a hand over his face.  “I should have talked him out of coming.”

“Relax,” Ashley scolded.  “He’ll be fine.  This is going to be good for him.”

It might be.  Kaidan had done a little bit of research on agoraphobia when he’d learned that Shepard had it.  The recommended treatment was exposure to the things that caused distress, in small doses and with trusted people present.  It probably would have been better to have Shepard going to Thessia more frequently and then branching out from there, though.  “It might be too much for him,” he pointed out.

“Well it’s too late to turn back.”  Ashley’s voice had turned matter-of-fact.  “We’re in Vancouver.  Give me directions to your place.”

Kaidan blinked.  “Already?”  He hadn’t expected them quite so soon.

Ashley’s laugh tinkled across the airwaves.  “Shepard isn’t just a crazy driver.  He’s also a bit of a lead-foot.  And I’m not much better, to tell you the truth.”

“Why am I not surprised?”  Kaidan smiled ruefully and shook his head.  He found out where they were, and gave directions.  After the call ended, he went down to the security desk and made arrangements for parking in the garage and for Shepard to be given an extra key when he arrived.  Then he went back upstairs and started digging through the fridge.  He’d eaten with his parents, but he would throw something together for Shepard and Ashley before they arrived.

Before he could decide what to make, there was a knock at the door.

Excitement surged through him, and he went to answer the knock.  “I told you to come right in-” He cut off and frowned when he realized it wasn’t Shepard and Ashley at the door.

Kasumi gave him an impish grin.  “I left my lockpicks at home.”

“Hey, Kasumi,” Kaidan smiled and gestured for her to come in.  “I’m sorry.  You’re not who I was expecting.”

She tsked at him as she entered.  “I can’t believe you’re having guests when you haven’t even visited me once since you got home.”  

Kaidan winced.  “I’m sorry.  I’ve just been so busy, with dad and-”

“Hey, I was just teasing,” Kasumi leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his waist.  “I came to check on you and see how you’re handling things.”

Kaidan hugged her back.  It felt good.  He’d missed Kasumi a lot since he’d left Vancouver, and while he enjoyed working with Garrus and Wrex, it just wasn’t the same.  He’d been partners with Kasumi for years, and she was like a sister to him.  “Dad’s going to be okay, so I am too.”

“Good.” Kasumi poked him in the side, hard enough to make him wince.  “So you were planning on calling me today, right?”  She pulled away and glared up at him.

Kaidan rubbed his side, and didn’t even try to hide his guilt.  “Actually…”

She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation, and walked past him into the kitchen.  “Some friend you are.  I hope you’ve got beer.”

Kaidan followed her and found her rummaging through the fridge.  “I’m glad you’re here, though.  Shepard is going to be here soon, and I’d love for you to meet him.”

Kasumi’s head popped up over the door of the fridge, and her dark eyes were wide with excitement.  “Really?  That’s great!”  Having found the beer she was looking for, she closed the fridge and started digging through his drawers until she found the bottle opener.  Her eyes sparkled with mischief when she turned to face him again.  “You should hear the things I found in his background check.  Did you know he was arrested for burning down a house?”

“It didn’t burn down all the way,” Kaidan said with a chuckle.  “And the fire wasn’t his fault.”

“Oh, damn, he’s an honest one,” Kasumi sighed in disappointment.  “This game isn’t any fun if he’s going to tell you all his dark secrets.”

Trust Kasumi to be disappointed that she couldn’t rock his relationship boat.  Kaidan laughed as he went over to the fridge and opened it again.  “I was about to make some dinner.  Do you want some?”

“I would love some,” Kasumi settled into a stool on the other side of the kitchen island.  “I miss your cooking.”

They talked, mostly about Kaidan’s dad and a little about his new job in Citadel.  Kasumi seemed disappointed he was settling in there, but assured him that she was happy he was happy.

When keys jingled outside the door and it opened, they both looked up expectantly.

“Hello?” Ashley called from the hall.

Wiping his hands on a towel, Kaidan went to greet her.  Ashley was peeking around the door, but when she saw him, she opened it wide and rushed to give him a hug.  Kaidan returned the embrace, but his eyes went straight to over her head to Shepard.

Shepard looked tired, and there were definite lines of strain around his mouth.  But his lips turned up in a small smile, and his blue eyes glowed with happiness.  When Ashley let him go, Kaidan walked straight into Shepard’s arms.  His hand found the scar on the back of Shepard’s neck as Kaidan pulled him down for a kiss.  

“Are they always like this?” Kasumi asked after a moment.

“Only in days that end in Y,” Ashley replied with an amused snort.

Kaidan ignored them both, and just held Shepard tighter. 


	37. Chapter 37

Shepard sighed into Kaidan’s mouth.  The tension that had gripped him for the last several hours began to ease.  When the kiss finally ended, he dropped his forehead to Kaidan’s shoulder.  “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Kaidan whispered against his neck.  “Are you all right?”

Leave it to Kaidan to notice that something was wrong.  Shepard sucked in a deep breath, pulling in Kaidan’s scent.  It helped.  Lifting his head, he smiled.  He knew it probably looked strained, and he hoped that Kaidan didn’t worry too much over him.  “I am feeling better now.”

Kaidan’s brows were drawn together, and his dark eyes searched Shepard’s face.  “Will some food help?”

“Yeah.”  The smell of whatever Kaidan was cooking finally registered, and Shepard realized he was starving.  “Definitely.”

That was enough to clear the worried expression from Kaidan’s face.  He took one of Shepard’s hands, and turned to lead him further inside.  Shepard took in his surroundings in one quick glance.  The living area was combined with the kitchen and dining area, and there appeared to be a small hallway on one side of the room that probably led to bedrooms and bathrooms.

Shepard’s house was small, and filled with decorations.  Posters, model cars lining shelves on the walls, a clock in every room.  In comparison, Kaidan’s home looked almost barren.  There were no nick-nacks on the furniture, and only a few pieces of art.  It was still beautiful, but it seemed cold and unlived in.

Ashley was seated on a stool at the kitchen island next to a stunningly beautiful Asian woman.  They had their heads together and were whispering to each other conspiratorially.  He grimaced.  “They look like best friends already.  That can’t be good.”

Kaidan chuckled.  “Probably not.  How much do you want to bet they’re exchanging embarrassing stories about us?”

“Of course we are,” Ashley looked up at them and grinned widely.  “Sorry, Shep, I may have to share a few of your secrets so I can get some dirt on Kaidan.”

Shepard groaned in mock horror.  “Just please don’t talk about prom.”

The woman sitting next to her perked up.  “Now, I’ll absolutely _need_ to hear that story.”

Kaidan sighed and gestured at his friend.  “This is Kasumi.” He gave her a warning look.  “And she’s not _really_ going to dig up all your secrets.”

Kasumi gave him an impish smile, before turning to Shepard.  “Maybe not all of them,” she said as she held out her hand.  

Shepard took her hand in his, and returned her smile.  “It’s good to finally meet you.  Kaidan’s told me about you.”

Kaidan gestured at Ashley.  “I assume you two have already introduced yourselves.”

Kasumi turned her mischievous smile on Ashley.  “Well, what else were we supposed to do?  You two were so busy saying hello to each other that you forgot about us.”

Shepard noticed that Ashley’s cheeks turned red under the other woman’s eyes.  When she glanced up at him, he raised his eyebrows in question.  The smile she gave him was shy, and her attention quickly went back to Kasumi.  Well then.  It looked like Ashley was interested.  Shepard couldn’t remember if Kaidan had said anything about Kasumi’s preferences, and he hoped that Ashley didn’t get in over her head.

Worrying about Ashley seemed to help calm some of the anxiety that had been simmering inside of him despite the medication he’d taken.  He was glad she’d agreed to come with him, because he probably wouldn’t have made it without her.  He’d been ready to turn the truck around after just a few hours of driving.  

Shepard’s stomach grumbled loudly, and he sniffed the air with interest.  "What are you making?"

Kaidan grinned, and went over to check the oven.  Whatever he was cooking was apparently ready because he was digging out a pair of pot holders. "Something I promised I would make for you."

Shepard frowned as he tried to remember.  Leaving Ashley and Kasumi to their whispering, he went to stand next to Kaidan as he took a dish out of the oven.  It was a tray of French fries.  He lifted a brow at Kaidan in question, but all he received was a grin.  

Kaidan covered the fries with a clean dish towel to keep them warm, and then pulled a packet of gravy mix out of a cupboard.  "I hope you don't mind that the gravy isn't made from scratch," Kaidan said as he measured out some water and put it in the microwave.  "I don't make it as good as you do."

Behind him, Kasumi made an interested sound.  "So he can cook?"

"He does alright." Ashley's voice held a note of teasing.  "He took a cooking class with me in high school when we were dating."

Shepard cast a glare at Ashley over his shoulder.  "I didn't take the class just _because_ we were dating."

Ashley's dark eyes were wide and innocent, and Shepard knew that she was getting a kick out of airing his teenaged laundry.  "Of course not," she said pertly.  "But if I remember correctly, James was in that class too."  She leaned close to Kasumi, whose eyes were bright with delighted curiosity.  "Shepard and I didn't work out because I'm not really his type."

Kasumi tsked softly.  "How could you not be?  You're gorgeous!"

And now both women were blushing slightly.  Shepard grinned and resisted the urge to start teasing them about an attraction that seemed to be going both ways.  He turned his attention away from them, to see Kaidan was also grinning.  He hadn't missed the exchange either.

"I'm still not sure what you're making." Shepard watched as Kaidan whisked the gravy and set it aside while he grabbed cheese out of the fridge.

"Poutine." Kaidan had plates out and was starting to fill the dishes.

Shepard's eyes widened.  His mouth started to water.  All the anxiety that he'd been feeling faded away, and he began to bounce on his toes in anticipation.  "Kaidan, have I ever told you you're my dream man?"

Kaidan laughed and handed him a plate.  

One bite of the gravy and cheese covered fries convinced Shepard of two things.  The first was that poutine was just as delicious as it sounded.  The second was that he may have found something he loved more than burgers with extra mayo and pickles.  

They ate around the kitchen island.  Shepard and Kaidan stood hip to hip as they shared their meal.  Kasumi and Ashley spent most of the time chattering about their pasts with each of the men.  Shepard mostly kept silent, letting Ashley get away with embellishments, but Kaidan would interrupt Kasumi occasionally, correcting stories with less exciting versions.

Kaidan had talked about some of his time as a cop, but Kasumi made him sound like a hero.  Apparently the two of them had been a very successful team.  She also made a point of glaring at Shepard and giving him a hard time for stealing her partner away. 

Sliding his arm around Kaidan's hips, Shepard gave her a smug smile.  "And I'm keeping him."  Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Kaidan smile and felt him lean into the embrace.

"Yeah, but do you need to keep him in Small-Town USA?  You could move up here and he could come back to work.  His job's still open."  She grinned brightly.  "And same-sex marriage is legal here."

At the suggestion of leaving Citadel permanently, and living in a huge, strange city Shepard's stomach flipped.  A low buzz began in his ears, and his eyes unfocused.  

Kaidan's hand came down on the one Shepard had wrapped around his hip, rubbing slightly.  It brought Shepard back from the edge and he relaxed as soon as he realized his fingers were digging into Kaidan's hip.  Before Shepard had a chance to respond to Kasumi, Kaidan spoke.  "I like Citadel.  It's my home now."  His dark amber eyes flicked up to Shepard and his smile was full of reassurance, and something else.  Something warm and... loving.

The tension drained out of Shepard’s shoulders and he returned the smile, hoping it conveyed not only his relief but also everything else that was in his heart.  He hadn't told Kaidan yet that he loved him, and he resolved to do so soon.  Just, not in front their best friends.  Not the first time.  

When Shepard turned his attention back to Kasumi, she had her elbows propped on the counter, and her chin resting in her hands.  She was watching them with the same glee that most women reserved for their favorite chick flick.  "Wow, you two have it bad, don't you?"  She grinned when everyone broke into laughter.  When it finally died down she sighed dramatically.  "Well, I guess you can keep him."

"Gee, thanks." Kaidan rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

"I was talking to Shep," Kasumi said smugly.

That brought another round of laughter.  The conversation turned to their plans for the time Shepard and Ashley were in town.  Ashley didn't plan on staying very long.  She was only going to stay for a couple of days and then catch a flight home.  Kasumi was unhappy at that news and was trying to talk Ashley into staying for a least a week.  

While they were talking, Shepard felt the phone in Kaidan's pocket vibrate between them.  Kaidan shifted to pull it out and check the Caller ID.  When he saw who it was, he hit ignore and shoved the phone back in his pocket.  It buzzed again, and Kaidan ignored it.

Shepard gave him a questioning look, but Kaidan just clenched his jaw and shook his head slightly.  He looked angry, but Shepard didn't say anything, turning his attention back to Ashley and Kasumi.  He opened his mouth to tell Ashley that he'd pay for her plane ticket home when she decided to leave, but Kaidan's pocket buzzed again.

Kaidan huffed out an annoyed breath.  "I have to take this."  He pulled the phone out of his pocket and moved out from under Shepard's arm.  His voice sounded irritated when he answered, but Shepard didn't hear any more because Kaidan walked down the hall that Shepard assumed led to the bedrooms.

There was a moment of silence when he left.  The women glanced at Shepard curiously, but he barely noticed because he was staring down the hall where Kaidan had disappeared.  He didn’t look at them when he spoke.  "I'll be back."

He left them and walked toward the hallway.  He knew he shouldn't listen in on the call, but Kaidan's reaction was bothering him, and with the undercurrent of anxiety already buzzing through him, he was starting to feel a little protective.  Kaidan's angry voice caught his attention and he followed it to a bedroom.  He stood in the doorway, making no move to conceal his presence, although Kaidan didn't notice him because he had his back to the door.

"What exactly do we have to talk about?  We're divorced.  We have no relationship."

Shepard stiffened.  He knew Kaidan was working with Rahna, training her to take over a large chunk of responsibilities that Kaidan was currently taking care of while his father recovered.  It had made him jealous the first time Kaidan had mentioned it, but he'd quickly buried those feelings.  At least he thought he had.  The flare of jealousy he was feeling now boiled under his skin, ratcheting up his anxiety until his skin felt too tight.  He forced himself to unclench his fists.  

He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorframe.  

"Rahna, now is a bad time.  I've got guests."  Kaidan's voice was curt.  Shepard had never heard him speak so sharply to anyone, but it was obvious he was holding back.  "We'll talk at the office."  He flipped the phone shut and lifted his arm as if he wanted to throw it across the room.

Shepard's brows went up in surprise.  Kaidan wasn't just irritated, he was pissed.  

Instead of throwing the phone, Kaidan took a deep breath and lowered his arm.  He spoke without turning.  "I really should talk to her.  We've got a few unresolved issues we should work through if we're going to be working together for a little while."

It didn't surprise Shepard that Kaidan knew he was there.  He stayed where he was and watched as Kaidan began to prowl around the room.  "What do you think she wants?"  If she wanted him back, Shepard would have something to say about that.

Kaidan stopped and ran his fingers through his hair.  The black curls fell back over his forehead and covered his ears.  Shepard smiled at the familiar sight.  Kaidan needed a haircut.  It was down around his jaw now, and it softened his features.  Shepard liked it, and he was pretty sure that's why Kaidan was letting it grow.  "I don't know what she wants." Kaidan exhaled and most of the tension left his body along with the air from his lungs.  He turned and gave Shepard a wry smile.  "And at the moment, I really don't care.  I'm glad you're here."  

Shepard straightened and went to wrap his arms around Kaidan, pulling him close.  "I'm sorry it took me a while to get my head around making the trip."

Kaidan nuzzled Shepard's throat, reminding Shepard that he needed to shave when he heard the rasp of skin against his stubble.  "I know it must have been hard for you."

It hadn't been as bad as Shepard had thought it would be.  The last time he'd been in a big city was when he was living in Denver.  Before he'd moved back to Citadel, leaving the house had been extremely difficult, even when he took medication.  "You're worth it," he said against Kaidan's ear.

Kaidan made a low rumbling sound and nipped at Shepard's skin.  "Do you think the girls will let us have a little bit of alone time?"

Shepard tilted his head back to give Kaidan better access.  His hands slipped down until he could tuck his fingers in Kaidan's back pockets.  He squeezed slightly, pulling their hips together.  He could feel the ridge of Kaidan's arousal pressing into the crease of his thigh and he smiled.  "It couldn't hurt to ask."

Kaidan growled again, and pushed Shepard against the wall next to the open door.  Lifting his head from Shepard's neck he called down the hall.  "You ladies make yourselves at home.  We'll see you in the morning."

Feminine laughter drifted down the hall, but was cut off when Kaidan reached over and shut the door.  His eyes were dark with desire when he looked up at Shepard.  "So, you missed me, did you?  How much?"

Shepard shivered.  Kaidan's voice had dropped an octave, and the rusty sound felt like a caress.  "I could show you."  He didn't wait for an answer.  Wedging his hands between them, he opened a bit of space between their bodies and went straight for Kaidan's fly.  

Kaidan stepped back, letting Shepard push his pants and boxers down around his hips.  Taking advantage of the extra room, Shepard dropped to his knees.  The sight of Kaidan's excitement made Shepard lick his lips in anticipation.  Unfortunately, Shepard's own body was not responding.  He hid his frustration and leaned forward to press a kiss against the velvety skin in front of him.  His tongue flicked out, lapping at the moisture beading at the head of Kaidan’s dick. 

A soft sigh of relief and happiness escaped him as he tasted his lover again after what felt like much too long.  He relished the pleasured gasps and moans coming from above him as he licked and kissed and sucked until Kaidan’s hips stuttered forward and he spilled his release over Shepard’s tongue and lips.  

Breathing hard, Kaidan leaned his palms against the wall and dropped his head down between his shoulders to look down at Shepard.  His teeth flashed white in the shadow of his hair.  "Does that prove how much you missed me or how much I missed you?" his voice was hoarse, but laced with humor.

Shepard licked his lips and dragged a wrist across his chin to wipe away what he couldn’t reach with his tongue.  When he shifted his weight in preparation to stand, he winced as his knee twinged.  "Maybe a little of both?"

Keeping himself braced with one hand on the wall, Kaidan reached down to help Shepard back to his feet, leaving him trapped in the space between Kaidan and the wall.  "Well, to make this conclusive, maybe I should return the favor."  Kaidan's voice had gone husky again, and he reached down to cup Shepard through his jeans.  His brow furrowed in confusion when he realized that Shepard's body was not responding.  "Is everything all right?"

Shepard sighed and leaned his forehead down on Kaidan's shoulder.  "It's a side effect of the pills," he mumbled into Kaidan's t-shirt.  He turned his face into Kaidan's neck, breathing in his warmth.  "Sorry."

Strong arms came around him.  "Don't apologize," Kaidan said.  His palms ran up and down Shepard's back in soothing motions.  "You could have told me before.  You didn't have to-"

"I wanted to," Shepard returned Kaidan's embrace, squeezing him tightly.  He leaned back and looked down into Kaidan's eyes.  He reached up to smooth a thumb over the worried crease in Kaidan's forehead.  "Just being here with you is enough for me."

Dark amber eyes continued to search his face for a long moment before Kaidan sighed.  His frown faded and he gave Shepard a small crooked smile.  "It's enough for me too."

Tension that Shepard hadn't even realized was there, eased out of his shoulders.  He hadn't wanted to upset Kaidan with this, but he should have known it wouldn’t be an issue.  Kaidan wasn’t the kind of man to judge him for something he couldn’t help.  Shepard tilted his head toward the closed door.  "Do you think we should go out and join the girls?"

Kaidan shook his head.  He toed off his socks and kicked off his pants, then began backing toward the bed, pulling Shepard along with him.  "I’ve missed you, and I just need to have you to myself for a little while.  Sex isn't the only thing we can do."  When he reached the edge of the bed, he stopped and pulled his t-shirt off.  Then he started tugging at Shepard's clothing as well.

Shepard lifted his eyebrows curiously, but then he went to work helping Kaidan disrobe him.  When they were both naked, Kaidan pulled him into the bed and they curled into each other, legs tangled, and close enough to share each other's breath. 

They talked late into the evening, their fingers exploring each other lazily as they spoke.  Shepard listened while Kaidan explained what still needed to be done at the winery, and what kind of progress his dad was making.  Shepard didn't have much news to share from Citadel, so he mostly talked about what was left to do on the car he was restoring.  The conversation was similar to all the ones they'd had on the phone every day since Kaidan had left Citadel, but this time when they fell asleep, they didn't need to worry about hanging up their phones first.  


	38. Chapter 38

For the first time since Kaidan had returned to Vancouver, he woke up and felt like he was home.  It had nothing to do with the fact that he’d stayed in his condo long enough for it to feel lived in again.  It had everything to do with the warm body draped over him, keeping him warmer than any down comforter could.  Strong arms held him tight, long legs were tangled with his own, and the hair on Shepard’s calves caught against his own when he shifted.  

Although Kaidan usually slept on his stomach, this morning he was stretched out on his back.  Shepard’s head was pillowed on his chest, the scarred skin pressed against his heart.  Kaidan smiled when he realized it and reached up with the hand that had been resting on the back of Shepard’s neck to run through his hair instead.  It was short again, freshly buzzed, and felt like velvet under Kaidan’s palm.

Shepard made a deep rumbling sound, something halfway between a moan and a purr.  The stubble on his jaw scraped Kaidan’s skin slightly when he spoke.  “If you keep petting me like that, I’m going to start thinking you miss my cat more than me.”

Kaidan continued the slow strokes, lengthening each one until they went from Shepard’s forehead to the back of his neck.  “I do kinda miss Normandy.” He chuckled when Shepard growled at him.  “But I’d rather pet you.”

Shepard’s large body flexed and stretched, and he rolled even further onto Kaidan.  He settled into the space between Kaidan’s legs, and began nuzzling his chest.  “Well I’m not going to tell you to stop.”

The lazy movements made Kaidan smile.  Normally at this time of the morning, Shepard would be up and about.  Probably dressed and making breakfast, too.  Usually Shepard was only willing to cuddle at night, before they fell asleep.  This early morning languishing in bed was Kaidan’s thing.  He lifted his knees slightly, trapping Shepard between them.  Using both hands, he dug his fingers into Shepard’s scalp, enjoying his moans as the massage moved down over the back of his neck and as far down his spine as Kaidan could reach.

When Kaidan’s hands made a return trip, Shepard lifted himself up on his arms.  Kaidan guided him with fingers resting gently on his jaw and Shepard leaned forward, letting himself be pulled into a kiss.  Kaidan chuckled and Shepard leaned up far enough to raise a questioning brow at him.  “Morning breath.  Always sexy.”  He wrinkled his nose, but didn’t let Shepard escape when he tried to sit up.  “Hey, don’t go anywhere.  I said it was sexy.”

Shepard rolled his eyes, but leaned down for another kiss.  Kaidan nipped at his bottom lip playfully.  Something was burning under his skin, and it was making him giddy.  

Shepard growled at him and deepened the kiss, no longer self conscious in the face of Kaidan’s teasing bites.  He was up on his hands and knees, caging Kaidan below him, creating a tent under the blanket to hold the warmth of their bodies in.  He released Kaidan’s mouth after too short a time, but only to trace a trail with his lips over Kaidan’s jaw and down to his throat.

Kaidan tilted his head back, presenting the sensitive flesh to Shepard’s lips, reveling in the scrape of teeth and stubble.  "I take it you're in the mood this morning?"

"Mmhm," Shepard's mouth stayed molded to Kaidan's skin, sliding down until he was completely under the blanket.  His lips stopped to tease a nipple, laving it with his tongue between nibbles.  When he sucked it into his mouth, Kaidan groaned and shifted on the bed.

Shepard shifted his weight to one hand and ran his palm from Kaidan’s waist upwards.  The hand swept up under Kaidan’s arm, nudging until he released his grip on the back of Shepard’s neck.  “Put your hands behind your head.”  His voice was muffled under the blanket, but unmistakably rough with lust.  He made a soft sound of approval when Kaidan obeyed.  

Apparently Shepard’s lack of sex drive from last night was no longer a problem this morning.  A distant part of Kaidan’s mind realized that was a good thing, but his dick was currently less concerned with Shepard’s mental state and more interested in what he had planned.  He shifted again, lifting his hips until the head of his hard flesh brushed through the dark layer of hair on Shepard’s navel.  

That earned him a growl.  The blanket lifted enough to reveal Shepard’s eyes, which looked black in the dim light coming from the alarm clock on the bedside table.  His voice was firm, commanding.  “Hold still, Kaidan.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows went up in surprise.  This was new.  Shepard was usually the one squirming and begging under Kaidan’s touch.  But it looked like he was taking control of the situation this time.

The electric hum under Kaidan’s skin intensified, and he let out a huff of breath.  “Okay, yeah.”

Shepard’s slow smile almost broke his resolve to do as he was told.

The blanket went back down, and Kaidan hummed in approval when Shepard’s lips touched his chest.  The soft kisses trailed lower, the shape under the blanket moving down.  Strong hands stroked from his his inner knees down his thighs, spreading his legs.  Kaidan let them fall open.  

Wet heat slid over his balls as Shepard ran his tongue over them, sucking one into his mouth.  Kaidan cursed softly and fisted his fingers in his own hair to keep his hands behind his head.  The sting was a perfect counterpoint to the pleasure he felt when Shepard mouthed up his length leaving a damp trail behind.  

The blanket had shifted, and cold air washed over Kaidan’s chest, but that wasn’t the cause of the goosebumps chasing each other over his body.  Shepard was pressing his thumbs into the hollow of Kaidan’s hips, holding him still.  He took the head of Kaidan’s dick in his mouth, suckling softly.

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated on not moving.  Shepard was paying special attention to the area, not moving to take him any deeper, and it was all Kaidan could do not to thrust up into his mouth.  

“Matt.”  His voice was hoarse.

“Hm?”  Shepard hadn’t released Kaidan, and the sound vibrated through his flesh.

“Please.”  Kaidan flexed his thighs, not enough to lift his hips, but enough to tell Shepard what he wanted.

To Kaidan’s dismay, Shepard released him.  He sat up on his heels, throwing the blanket back and revealing himself to Kaidan’s eyes.  It was dark, but Kaidan could still see the swirling lines of Shepard’s tattoos.  “Where’s the lube?” he demanded.

Kaidan blinked.  He was so distracted by the loss of Shepard’s mouth on his dick, that it took him a moment to process the question.  Kaidan tilted his head to the table next to the bed.

Shepard crawled over him, straddling his waist, and stretched over to dig out the bottle.  Kaidan groaned when his dick nestled against Shepard’s ass and he lifted his hips, desperate for more friction.  When Shepard had retrieved the lube, he settled back, this time trapping Kaidan’s thighs below him.  He uncapped the bottle, and poured a liberal amount over Kaidan’s aching flesh.

Kaidan hissed.  “Cold.”

Long fingers wrapped around him, squeezing, stroking, warming.  Shepard was watching Kaidan, a crooked smile playing about his lips.  He kept the rhythm random, paying special attention to the way Kaidan stiffened and gasped, slowing his strokes whenever it seemed he was close to the edge.

Kaidan didn’t know how long the handjob had been going on.  Time had begun to lose meaning after he was brought so close to coming, over and over.  “Fuck, Matt.” 

It wasn’t a request, but Shepard’s smile widened.  “Already, Kaidan?”

Kaidan glared at him.  Only the thinnest thread of willpower kept him from surging up and wrestling Shepard beneath him.  “Yes.   _Please_ , yes.”

Shepard leaned down over him, never stopping what he was doing.  Bracing himself on a single arm, he nipped at Kaidan’s jaw and then spoke into his ears.  “Do you want to be inside me?”

Kaidan nodded.  Shepard’s teeth bit into the flesh just below his ear at the same time he did something very interesting with his fingers.  Then he swore.  “I don’t have any condoms.”

Shepard tsked in his ear.  “You would have made a terrible boy scout.”

“I’ve been busy.  I forgot-”

“Shhh…” Shepard soothed him by tracing his tongue over the shell of Kaidan’s ear.  “I was tested when I got out of the military… haven’t been with anyone else since.”

Kaidan’s brain almost short circuited at the idea of being inside Shepard without that thin barrier between them.  It took him a moment to realize Shepard was waiting for him to say something.  “I haven’t been with anyone since…” he almost said Rahna, but managed to hold that back.  Instead he leaned his head towards Shepard.  “Haven’t had a test since before I was married, but…”

The message he was trying, but failing to articulate fully was received.  Shepard’s mouth covered his.  The hand that had been stroking him left, and Kaidan could feel Shepard’s body twist as he reached between his own legs to smear some of the lube on himself.  After a moment, he broke the kiss, standing on his knees as he poured more lube on his fingers and reached back to prepare himself.

Kaidan finally moved his hands, but when Shepard growled at him, he fisted them in his hair near his temples again.  The tug against his scalp was not enough to calm him down, but it did center him.  He gritted his teeth in frustration, but didn’t otherwise complain.  Watching the play of muscles across Shepard’s stomach as he fingered himself was enough to distract him from his frustration, but only momentarily.

Thankfully, Shepard didn’t take too long.  He shifted his body again until he was poised above Kaidan.  Carefully, he lowered himself, hand guiding Kaidan to his entrance.

Kaidan stared at him in fascination.  His electric blue eyes were turned up to the ceiling, and he was biting his upper lip.  The pressure and heat of sliding into Shepard’s body had Kaidan groaning and closing his eyes against the sight in an effort to regain some control over himself.  He held still as Shepard sank down, an inch at a time.  The progress was excruciatingly slow, but soon Shepard was resting his full weight on Kaidan’s hips.  

He didn’t move for a moment, and Kaidan opened his eyes again.  He found Shepard watching him intently.  When their eyes met, Shepard began to move.  He rocked his hips, forward and back, his own hard length bobbing with the movement.  

Kaidan squeezed his fists in his hair again in an effort to keep them in place, but when Shepard rolled his hips in a circle, all pretense at control was gone.  Kaidan grabbed Shepard’s hips, squeezing, guiding him to move faster and harder.

Shepard’s hands, one of them still slick with lube, came down on Kaidan’s but didn’t try to move them.  He accepted the touch, although he grinned mischievously and resisted letting Kaidan guide him completely.  Any time he started to fall into a steady rhythm and Kaidan began to feel his orgasm clambering through him, Shepard would change his movements.  He chuckled when Kaidan began swearing.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Kaidan growled at him.

“And you aren’t?” Shepard’s grin was unrepentant.  There was a hitch in his breath, and Kaidan knew that he wasn’t as unaffected as he was trying to act.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes.  Intent on revenge, he moved one of his hands from Shepard’s hips and wrapped it around his dick instead.  It had softened slightly while Shepard teased him, but it responded quickly when Kaidan squeezed.  He was rewarded with a hoarse sound.  Shepard’s body jerked, no longer keeping the steady rhythm from before.

It took them a moment to fall back into sync.  Shepard riding Kaidan hard, grinding down and forward.  Kaidan concentrating on giving Shepard back a little of his own medicine by teasing him with uneven strokes.

Shepard braced one hand on Kaidan’s thigh, and the other on his chest and after a few more grinding twists of his hips, let out a hoarse sound that might have been Kaidan’s name.  Kaidan felt Shepard’s body tighten around him.  Hot come was splashing through his fingers and onto his chest.  Kaidan let out a muffled shout of his own as Shepard’s muscles squeezed around him, and then he was cresting too, jerking his hips up involuntarily to bury himself as deep as possible in his lover’s body.

Collapsing forward, Shepard settled his face in the crook of Kaidan’s neck.  His breath was sawing in and out of his lungs, cooling the sweat beading over Kaidan’s skin.  Trying to calm his own breath, Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard and shifted him, pulling out of him, moving until they lay side by side, face to face.

“Love it when you manhandle me,” Shepard mumbled.  He leaned forward, pressing his lips against Kaidan’s in a series of small, gentle kisses.  His eyes had drifted shut, and he looked like he might want to go back to sleep.

Kaidan leaned into the kisses.  “I love it that you let me.”

Shepard wrapped both arms around Kaidan’s neck and shifted until their bellies were pressed together.  He made a wry face and wiggled slightly.  “You’re going to need clean sheets.”

“I’ve got spares,” Kaidan assured him before capturing Shepard’s mouth again.

“What do you think are the chances that Ashley slept through that?” Shepard asked when Kaidan finally released his lips.  

Kaidan felt a primal urge to fuck Shepard again, hard and rough until he was hoarse from screaming.  Making it clear to the entire condo complex that Shepard was his.  He was surprised at the possessive thought, but only chuckled at himself.  “These walls aren’t as thin as the ones in your house, but you were quite vocal there at the end.”

“I wasn’t the only one,” Shepard teased.  He pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s and sighed.  “I don’t suppose we can just lie here like this all day, can we?”

Kaidan echoed his sigh.  “I’m needed at the office today, and I want to see my parents this afternoon.”  He nudged Shepard.  “Do you want to meet them?”

Shepard stiffened in his arms.  “Really?”

Kaidan huffed a laugh.  “You didn’t think I’d let you get away without meeting my parents, now that you’re here, did you?”

“I wasn’t sure you’d want me to meet them.”  Shepard’s eyes were shadowed and dark, and Kaidan had a hard time reading his expression from this close, but his tone was uncertain.

“Of course I do,” Kaidan assured him.  He smoothed a hand over Shepard’s stubbly jaw.  “It’s a bit of a drive to their place.  Are you up for going out?”

Shepard considered him for a moment.  “I think so, yeah.”  He shifted his shoulders in a small shrug.  “I can take my meds if I start to feel off.”

Kaidan’s heart twisted painfully at the reminder that something as simple as driving across town could be such a huge ordeal for Shepard.  His thumb traced a line under Shepard’s eye.  “You don’t have to if it’s too much.”

“I’m good, Kaidan.”  Shepard’s tone was level, and full of surety.  

Kaidan believed him.  He pressed his lips against Shepard’s in a hard kiss and then sighed.  “All right.  The sooner I get into the office, the sooner I can leave and we can spend the rest of the day together.”

Shepard nodded, but when Kaidan tried to move out of his arms, he only released his grip reluctantly.  

“Well?” Kaidan flipped the bathroom light on and stood in the doorway looking back at Shepard, who was still sprawled in the bed.  “Are you going to join me in the shower?”

That got Shepard moving.  Kaidan got to see his body flex and roll, and he was reminded again of a sleek mountain lion.  When his eyes dropped to Shepard’s ass in reaction to having it flashed before him, Kaidan saw a line of come and lube sliding down his thigh.  That primal part of him that wanted to mark Shepard as his own purred back to life, and he smiled at the sight.

“What?” Shepard asked when he saw Kaidan’s expression.

Kaidan caught Shepard around the waist when he was close enough.  He pulled him in for another quick kiss.  “Nothing.  I’m just glad you’re here.”  He grinned.  “Morning breath and all.”

Shepard rolled his eyes, but returned the smile.

Once they were showered and dressed they discovered that they had the condo to themselves.  There was a note taped to the outside of the bedroom door.

_Hey guys, you probably need a lot of alone time, and I don't want to be a third wheel.  Kasumi's got a spare room, and has offered to show me around the city for a few days.  You two have fun!_

_PS:  I think she likes me.  Wish me luck!_

Shepard chuckled.  He was pressed against Kaidan's back, reading the note over his shoulder.  "Go get her, Ash."

"Huh," Kaidan managed after a moment of surprise.  "You know, I never knew that Kasumi might swing both ways.  I'm a terrible friend."

Warm lips pressed against the back of Kaidan's neck.  "Maybe it just takes the right girl to catch her attention."

That was probably true.  Kaidan chuckled.  "Well if they hit it off, I'm happy for both of them."

They were just settling down to start breakfast - Corn Pops which Kaidan had picked up specifically when he learned Shepard was coming to visit - when there was a knock at the door.  

Kaidan frowned at the door in confusion.  It was still very early in the morning.  He wasn't expecting anyone, but he supposed it could be Ashley.  He shrugged at Shepard's raised eyebrow and went to answer the knock.

Rahna was just raising her hand to knock again when Kaidan opened the door.  She looked up at him in relief, apparently not noticing the way he stiffened at the sight of her.  "Kaidan, I'm glad you're up.  Can we talk?"

She seemed briefly surprised to see that he was fully dressed, but didn’t say anything about it as she waited for him to let her in.  She knew he wasn't a morning person and probably assumed he would still be in bed.  She wouldn't know that he had been sleeping with a human alarm clock and was up earlier than normal.  He wanted to tell her that, to rub it in her face that he'd moved on, but he refrained.  He was never deliberately nasty to anyone, and Rahna certainly didn't deserve that kind of treatment.  With a sigh, Kaidan opened the door wider and gestured for her to precede him inside.

Rahna started unbuttoning her heavy winter coat as she walked further into the condo.  "I'm sorry to show up so early.  I just really need to talk to you in private and I didn't want to have this discussion in the office.  I-"

She stopped abruptly when she saw Shepard sitting at the kitchen island.  "Oh.  I... didn't know you had a guest."

Shepard's bright blue eyes rested on Rahna for a moment before turning to Kaidan.  He quirked a scarred eyebrow in question.  Sighing again, Kaidan placed a hand on Rahna's shoulder and nudged her forward.  "Shepard, this is Rahna."  He turned to look down at her, and noticed that she'd gone pale.  Her eyes were glued to Shepard's face, and from her pallor he assumed she was staring at his scars.  "Rahna, this is Shepard."  He wasn't about to give her permission to use Shepard's first name.  That was only for him.  "He's my boyfriend."

He felt her stiffen under his hand, and she shot him an incredulous look.  "Your... I'm sorry?"

Shepard gave him a look that was an odd combination of amusement, exasperation, and maybe a little bit of relief?  Had he thought Kaidan would want to keep their relationship a secret?  He stood and held out a hand to Rahna, moving carefully as if he knew he made her nervous.  "It's nice to meet you, Rahna."

Rahna looked down at his hand, and then back up at his face.  She finally allowed him to take her hand in his.  "Um, hello."

Well this wasn't awkward at all.  Kaidan had to suppress a laugh.  "What did you want to talk about that couldn't wait until we were at the office?"

Rahna jerked her attention back to Kaidan, and her eyes were wide and nervous.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have come here." 

She turned to leave, but Kaidan caught her elbow.  "No, it's okay.  Let's talk."  He glanced at Shepard, and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

Shepard gave him a slight nod.  "I can give you two some privacy," he said briskly.  "Kaidan, there's a coffee shop just down the block, isn't there?  I think I saw it when we were driving in last night."

Kaidan caught his wrist.  “Are you- will you-?”

Shepard’s scars crinkled when he smiled.  “It’s just a coffee shop.”

Kaidan nodded reluctantly.  If Shepard said he would be all right, then Kaidan wouldn’t argue.  "Why don't you grab my coat?  It's a lot colder out there than what you're used to."

Another small smile.  It was warmer than the last one had been.

Shepard went into the bedroom and came out wearing Kaidan's leather jacket.  It looked good on him despite being a little bit short in the sleeves.  Shepard tucked his hands in the pockets and pulled out a ring of keys.  "I assume the house key is on here?"  When Kaidan nodded, Shepard snapped them back into his palm and put his hand back in the pocket.  He pointedly didn't look at Rahna as he stepped close to Kaidan and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.  His blue eyes were serious when he lifted his head.  "I've got my phone on me.  Text me."  

He left it unsaid that he would wait until Rahna was gone.  Kaidan smiled at him gratefully, and watched him leave.  When the door shut softly behind Shepard, Kaidan sighed and turned to Rahna.  "All right.  Let's talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooo drama!
> 
> I regret nothing.


	39. Chapter 39

Shepard was halfway down the hall when he realized that he probably should have taken a pill before he left.  He turned back, but stopped just short of opening the door.  Curling his fingers away from the knob, he hesitated.  The situation with Rahna was already uncomfortable enough without him popping his head back in to grab his meds.  He stood in the hall, uncertainty making him shift from foot to foot, for several minutes before he shrugged and decided he would go without.  

He had no idea how long Kaidan and Rahna would need to work out whatever it was she was there for, but if he got really antsy he would come back.  He took a deep breath and blew it out in a rush.  It had been a long time since he had been in a big city, and just the idea of going outside was starting to make his heart beat a little faster.  But he could do it if he had to.  He would just find a dark corner in the coffee shop and try to distract himself by texting Ashley and pestering her about the way she blushed around Kasumi.

Shepard chuckled.  He was glad he'd brought her and not Jack, who was probably never going to forgive him for leaving her behind.  Ashley was having a great time on this trip.  And she had obviously made a new friend, if not something more.  She had also been a balm to his frazzled nerves during the trip, calming him down when his medication wasn’t quite doing the job.

Jack would have been just as fun to spend the drive with, but she probably would have punched Rahna as soon as she met her.

He’d probably lived with Jack a little too long.  The idea of watching her punch Kaidan’s ex-wife made him entirely too gleeful.  

As soon as he'd realized who she was, his temper had flared.  He’d had just enough self control to tamp the possessiveness down before she could see his anger.  She really did seem timid.  When she'd caught sight of Shepard's scars, she had looked like she wanted to turn right back around and walk out.  

That or call the cops and have him arrested, as if he was some kind of criminal.

Maybe he looked like one.  The scars were pretty intimidating to look at, and she had no idea where he had earned them.  Over the last few months, he'd almost forgotten they were there.  His discomfort about them had abated when he realized that Kaidan not only wasn't turned off by them, but seemed to genuinely like them.  Shepard felt comfortable in his own skin when Kaidan was around.

He wondered exactly what it was about Rahna that had caught Kaidan's attention in the first place.  Why had he married her?  Shepard assumed there was more to her than her pretty eyes and mouth.  Kaidan would be attracted to someone with depth, and substance.  Some of Shepard's animosity toward Rahna faded.  If she was the kind of person that Kaidan had wanted to be with, then Shepard assumed she was a good person.

But if she had come to try and talk Kaidan into going back to her, she was going to have a fight on her hands.  Shepard had staked his claim, displaying it to her with that kiss before he'd left.

He was smirking slightly at the thought as he walked out of the condo complex.  His smile faded almost immediately when he saw how crowded the street was.  A jolt of fear made his throat close momentarily.  He closed his eyes and counted slowly by fours until his breathing was mostly normal.  Again he considered going back upstairs to get his meds, but he dismissed the idea.  It would be even more awkward at this point.  He'd been gone long enough that Kaidan and Rahna's discussion was probably in full swing.

As much as Shepard wanted to know what the talk was about, he didn't want to make matters worse by interrupting.  

Still counting silently by fours, he scanned the street.  His eyes caught on the Tim Hortons sign on the corner across the street.  Coffee, yes.  He would get some coffee - decaf, in deference to his nerves - and then he would finally get a chance to see if Kaidan was right about it being so much better than Dunkin Donuts.  

Now that he had a destination, Shepard's feet started to move automatically.  He kept his head down as much as possible, trying to watch the pavement under his shoes and not look at the faces of strangers around him.  When he bumped into someone, he glanced up to apologize.  Before he could drop his eyes again, it happened.

A familiar face seemed to watch him from the crowd.  Dark, serious eyes regarded Shepard sadly.  

"Thane?" Shepard whispered.  

Someone passed in front of the image of his old friend, and Thane was gone.  Shepard shivered, and it wasn't just because of the cold air doing it's best to invade Kaidan's coat.  Shrugging to bring the collar up closer around his neck, Shepard dropped his attention back to the pavement and started walking again.  Of course it wasn't Thane.  The last time Shepard had seen him, he had been dying in the streets of a small town in Afghanistan.  

Thane had seen the sniper's on the roof above the convoy.  He'd managed to call out a warning to the others just before a bullet caught him in the chest and all hell had broken loose, but it hadn't saved him.  It hadn't saved anyone, really.  Not in a street lined with bombs and angry insurgents.  

Only Shepard had escaped the trap, and just barely.  And ever since he'd come home, he'd seen the faces of his friends in the crowds, watching him sadly.  As if he should have joined them, and they were only waiting for him.

Oh really bad days, he could hear them calling his name.  

He managed to get into the coffee shop without any more incidents,  but he was shaking from more than just the cold by that time.  He got in line to order a drink just to have something to do and started counting by sevens in an effort to keep focused, since counting by fours didn’t seem to be helping.

The young man behind the counter gave him an uncertain smile, obviously intimidated by his scars.  At least he made an effort not to stare at them, unlike the girl working behind him.  She caught sight of Shepard when she turned around, and let out a little yelp of surprise.  She jumped and nearly spilled a mug of coffee but caught herself just in time.  She scurried back to work when Shepard gave her a crooked smile.  

He sighed at her reaction.  It was one he'd gotten quite a bit when he still lived in Denver, but he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to it.  He quickly ordered a herbal tea instead of a coffee, along with a couple of chocolate donuts.  Once he had them in hand, he turned and found an empty table.  After he was seated, he pulled out his phone and sent Ashley a text message.

_Am I ever going to see you again?_

The answer was quicker than he thought it would be, but it made him grin.   _I want to keep her.  Can I keep her?_

He tapped out a reply with one thumb as he sipped his tea.   _She's not a kitten.  You can't put a collar on her and bring her home._

_I like that idea way too much.  You don't even know._

Shepard laughed.   _Pervert._

_Guilty!  What are you doing?_

Ashley wasn't nearly as violent as Jack, but she could still be pretty protective.  He decided it was best to keep what was happening on the downlow for now.   _Coffee and donuts.  You going to be out all day?_

_Kasumi invited me to stay for a few days.  You and K can bang like bunnies without me there to interrupt._

Shepard grinned.   _You're my best friend._

They texted for a few more minutes, coordinating their plans for this trip.  They were planning on making a Turkey dinner on Thursday despite the fact that they were in the wrong country, and then Ashley would be leaving the next day.  Shepard planned on staying as long as Kaidan would have him.  

"You're much more handsome in person."

Shepard jumped and looked up to see a small black woman smiling gently at him.  He'd been distracted by his conversation with Ashley, and the hair on the back of his neck rose when he realized this woman had sneaked up on him unnoticed.  That short circuited his brain for a moment, and so he probably looked like an idiot blinking up at her while he tried to understand what she'd said.

Dark eyes lined with bright blue makeup widened with a worried expression.  "Are you alright?"

Shepard realized he had been holding his breath.  He let it out in a rush.  "Uh, yeah." His tongue felt thick and he swallowed.  "You just startled me.  Do I know you?"

The woman's smile returned.  "It depends on how much Kaidan has told you about me." She held out a hand, and Shepard took it.  "I'm Liara T'soni.  Kaidan and I are friends.  He's told me a lot about you."

Understanding dawned and Shepard smiled.  He gestured at the empty chair across from him.  "Yes, he has told me about you.  How did you know who I am?"

Liara settled herself in the chair and braced her elbows on the table.  "Kaidan has sent me pictures."

Shepard nodded his understanding, and smiled.  Kaidan was sometimes camera happy with his mobile phone.  "How did you find me?"

“I’ve got Kaidan’s house bugged.” Liara lifted her own coffee to her lips, expression completely neutral.

Shepard stiffened.  “Really?”

She laughed, a full throaty sound that made Shepard smile reluctantly.  “No, of course not.  It was quite by accident, I assure you."  She lifted her coffee to bring it to his attention.  "I'm here for this.  I don't live too far away, and I actually run into Kaidan here sometimes too."  She tilted her head at him.  "Where is he?"

Shepard’s smile faded.  “He’s at home, talking to Rahna.”

Liara lifted her brows, and then hummed thoughtfully.  “Well the timing is bad, but that is a conversation that definitely needs to happen.”

“What do you mean?” Shepard shifted in his seat and glanced at the door to the coffee shop, wondering if he shouldn’t have left them alone.  It opened, and Anderson walked in.  Shepard blinked twice, and the man’s image changed.  Just a stranger, not his old CO.  He quickly turned back to Liara, hoping she didn’t notice his unease.  “Do you know what she wants?”

She pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment before she answered.  “I hope they’re fighting actually.  It’s long overdue.”

That surprised a laugh out of Shepard.  “Really?”

Liara nodded.  “They have a tendency to keep everything bottled up.  Maybe if they’d actually yelled at each other a few times during their marriage it wouldn’t have ended.”  She frowned when she realized that Shepard might not take this well.  “I’m not saying that they should have stayed together, of course.  Obviously there was something broken in their relationship.  But they did love each other, and they handled things poorly.”  

Shepard felt his heart twist.  He stared hard at the cup he was holding between both hands and concentrated on not crushing it.  “Do you think if they work it out…?” He couldn’t finish the thought.  It made him sick to think of losing Kaidan now.

Delicate fingers brushed his knuckles.  Liara was smiling at him warmly when he looked up.  “I don’t think that will happen.” Her voice was soft, but reassuring.  “I think that Kaidan still cares for Rahna, and he always will.  But it’s different now.  He loves you.”

“He hasn’t said so,” Shepard mumbled.  He grimaced at himself for admitting that.  

“Have you told him you love him?” Liara asked.

Shepard turned away from her again. The coffee shop was starting to empty out a little bit now that the morning rush had ended.  There were still more strangers than he was comfortable with, and he had to quickly look back down at his hands.  He felt a little weird about the conversation, because he didn’t really know Liara.  But she wore that same open look that Doctor Chakwas had always used on him.  It never failed to get him to open up.  

“Not yet,” he admitted.  He chuckled, and some of the tension left his shoulders.  “Somewhere I got the idea in my head that it needs to be the ‘perfect moment’, and I just haven’t found it yet.”

She laughed at him.  When he peeked up at her, she was shaking her head in fond exasperation.  “He’s probably doing the same thing.  One of you is going to need to take the leap and just say it.”  Her smile faded slightly.  “Lack of communication will come back and bite you in the ass.”

Shepard snorted.  “Yeah, I see what you’re saying.”  

He wasn’t going to lose Kaidan over something silly like not letting him know how much he was loved.  He knew enough about Kaidan and Rahna’s problems that he doubted one conversation was going to fix everything between them right away.  Shepard didn’t want to lose ground on his own relationship with Kaidan by making the same mistakes.  

He grinned at Liara.  “You’re a pretty good shrink, you know?”

She shrugged playfully.  “It’s what I do.”

A crash echoed through the coffee shop, breaking through the peaceful buzz of conversations.  The distinct sound of glass shattering stabbed through Shepard’s brain, and in the heartbeat of silence that normally followed something like that he saw that a patron’s child had knocked down a display holding coffee mugs.  As the moment ended, the anxiety and panic that he’d been holding at bay for the last half hour exploded free of the cage he’d made for it in the back of his mind.  The coffee shop around him disappeared, only to be replaced with an abandoned street in a village in Afghanistan.

The sound of people talking and chuckling at how startled they’d been changed to echoing screams and cries for help in Shepard’s ears.  The smell of roasting coffee and donuts faded to be replaced by smoke, dirt, sweat, and blood.  

“Shepard, are you alright?”

The voice came from far away, and he didn’t recognize it.  He only knew that someone was too close, and he didn’t have a weapon in his hands.  Shepard lashed out, and at the same time lunged away from the threat, overturning the table and chair with him.

Voices raised in confusion only added to the clamor in his brain, and he sank further into the nightmare.

 


	40. Chapter 40

As soon as the door clicked shut behind Shepard, Rahna spun around and gave Kaidan an incredulous look.  “Your _boyfriend?_ ”

Well if Kaidan had wondered how much his mother might have been telling Rahna about him, that was a pretty clear answer.  He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the island.  His answer was simple.  “Yes.”

That seemed to take a little bit of wind out of her sails.  Maybe she had expected him to get defensive and was surprised that he wasn’t.  “So… you’re gay now?”  Her eyes widened with hurt.  “Have you always been?”

It took a supreme effort not to roll his eyes.  “I’m not gay, Rahna.”

“But-”

He cut her off with a wave of his hand.  He felt his irritation flare a little higher over this confrontation.  “And before you ask, no I wasn’t faking any of our time together.  Yes, I loved having sex with you.”

She snapped her mouth shut, and gave him a perturbed look.  “You seem to have all the answers before I know what to ask.”

Kaidan felt a little guilty for snapping at her and he sighed, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.  “I’m sorry, Rahna, I just don’t like having this conversation.  It’s not the first time, and it always drives me crazy.”  He smiled ruefully.  “The last time was an ex-boyfriend getting upset with me when he learned I was dating you.  He wanted to know if I was faking it with him, too.”

Rahna blinked at him as she tried to absorb that information.  “You dated a man before me?  How come you never told me?”

She looked so genuinely confused, that Kaidan couldn’t contain a snort of laughter.  “You never asked.  And my past lovers weren’t relevant because I was with you, and that was all that mattered to me.”  That didn’t seem to help clear things up for her, though, so he spoke clearly and distinctly.  “I am bisexual.  I like men and women.  But I loved you.  You were the only person I wanted.”

It hurt a little bit to say those words in the past tense.  

She caught the meaning of his words as well.  “Loved?  You don’t love me anymore?”

Kaidan sighed and looked away from her when he answered.  He still loved her, and there was a part of his heart that still twisted with anguish when he saw her.  But that love was faded, muted.  More of what he would feel for a very close friend.  “Not like that.”

“Oh.”

He turned back to see her looking down at her fingers, which she was twisting together in front of her.  “Is that what you wanted to talk about?” he asked gently.

She nodded silently, but didn’t say anything.  He waited for her, but when she didn’t say anything further he decided to ask questions that he’d been afraid to voice before now.  “Why, Rahna?  Why did you leave?”

She lifted her head, but didn’t quite meet his eyes.  “You killed that man-”

“It was self defense,” he reminded her.  “And an accident.  Jesus, Rahna, you act like I’m a cold blooded murderer!”

“You scared me, Kaidan!” she snapped.  Her eyes filled with tears, but she lifted her chin and met his gaze.  “I’d never seen that side of you before.  I know you were a cop, but… I don’t know, somehow it just never seemed real until…” She trailed off and her chin dropped.  “I was scared, and I didn’t know how to handle it.  So I handled it badly.”

His mild irritation with the conversation swelled into all out anger.  “No shit.”

“Don’t be an asshole.” Rahna poked him in the chest.  “You also turned into a drug addict right before my eyes.”

“I was in pain, Rahna.” Kaidan dropped his arms to his sides and straightened.  She took a step back, and he realized he was looming, so he forced himself to stand still.  But he wasn’t going to let this go without giving her a piece of his mind.  “I was hurting, and I was confused, and you weren’t talking to me, which hurt even more.  So yeah, I got blissed out on pills, because it made me feel better.  And you never said anything.  You just _left.”_

There was a flash of shame in her expression.  “I told you I didn’t know how to handle what was happening.  And after a while, a divorce seemed like the best option.”  She lifted her chin again.  “And when you didn’t fight it, I figured you didn’t want me anymore either.”

Kaidan barked a laugh.  There was no humor in it.  “What was the point?  I was hooked on pills, and I couldn’t give you children.  I figured you could do better.”  

“I didn’t mind that we couldn’t have children, Kaidan,” Rahna said softly.  

All of the tension drained out of Kaidan, and his anger was suddenly gone.  He turned away from her and went to sit on the stool at the island where Shepard had been sitting before.  “I heard you crying when you took your pregnancy tests and they were negative,” he said without looking at her.  “And then after the doctors told us I couldn’t have kids.”

Rahna slowly moved closer and settled onto the stool next to him before she spoke.  She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.  “I was upset, yes.  But we could have worked through it.”

“You shot me down when I suggested adoption.”

She squeezed, and then dropped her hand to her lap, twisting her fingers together again.  “I handled that badly too.  I just needed time to come around to the idea.”

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.  Kaidan was no longer angry.  A bone deep weariness settled over him.  It was the same feeling that would have had him reaching for his prescriptions before, but now the craving wasn’t there.  There was no more lingering pain when he thought of the many small ways in which they had let their marriage fail.  There was regret, of course.  But no pain.  

Rahna broke the silence, but her voice was soft when she spoke, and he had to lean closer to hear her.  “When I heard you had overdosed… It brought a lot of things home to me.  I realized that I almost lost you and it was my fault and-”

“Hey, no.” Kaidan stopped her by getting up from his stool and wrapping her in his arms.  She fit against him perfectly, just as she always had. “It wasn’t your fault.  We both handled things poorly, and that was my own mistake.  It was much worse than anything you did.”

She began to shake, and he knew she was crying.  “When I came to see you in the hospital, they wouldn’t let me in because I wasn’t family anymore.  I had to wait until your parents gave me permission, and I was so scared that you would die before I had a chance to tell you I’m sorry, and that I still love you.”  Her voice was watery with tears and she hiccoughed a few times before she could continue.  “And then you left without a word to anyone, and I still didn’t get a chance to tell you-”  

Kaidan held her tighter.  It was entirely possible that he would have accepted those words and taken her back if they’d had this conversation while he’d still been in the hospital.  But she hadn’t been there when he’d woken up, and he’d checked himself out immediately, despite protests from his mother and his doctors.  If he had taken her back, he doubted it would have worked out, though.  There was too much built up pain and anger and it would have been much too soon to try and work on their relationship.  

When he didn’t say anything, Rahna took a ragged breath and looked up at him.  “We could try again.  I still love you.”

He sighed.  He’d seen that coming, but it was too late.  “I love you too, Rahna.  I always will.  But not that way anymore.”

She tilted her head up to search his expression and wilted slightly at whatever she saw.  “And you don’t want to try again.  Is it because of Shepard?”

“He’s a really big part of it,” he told her honestly.  “I’m in love with him, and I love Citadel.  When I’m there it feels like home.”  He reached up and thumbed the tears that had begun trailing down her cheeks, and then pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “We had our time together Rahna, and it ended.  I’ve moved on, and you should too.”

The bridge of her nose bumped his chin when she nodded.  “I wish-”

“I know.”

Her arms slipped around his waist and they held each other.  When she finally pulled away she had to wipe more tears from her face, but she was smiling slightly.  “I’m sorry I barged in here on you like this.  We’re probably late for work.”

Kaidan smiled and got up to get her some tissues.  “If they can’t handle a few hours without the boss around, you should probably fire them.”

“One of them is your _mother,_ ” she admonished him as she accepted the box he handed her.

“Fire her first.”  They both laughed, and the tension between them was gone. 

“Does this mean we can be friends?”  Rahna asked, once she’d cleaned her face.  

“As long as Shepard is okay with it, I think that would be possible.” He smiled gently.  “But at the moment, he’s got dibs on my affections.”

“He makes you happy?”

He nodded, and grinned.  “We have our moments.” Typically when Shepard was pestering him to take his meds, but wouldn’t take his own.  “But yeah.  He makes me happy.”

Rahna smiled and opened her mouth to say something, then paused and frowned.  “He looks like a serial killer.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes.  “First of all, serial killers look like normal people.  That’s how they get away with their crimes.  Second, he earned those scars fighting for his country.  He’s lucky he survived, because the rest of his squad didn’t.”

A sheepish look came over her face.  “I’m sorry.  He’s just… intimidating.”

Kaidan snorted a laugh.  “He’s a Star Wars nerd who loves cats and-” he was interrupted when his phone rang.  He pulled it out of his pocket and gave Rahna an apologetic smile when he answered it.  “Hello?”

“Kaidan, quick.  You need to come down to the coffee shop.”

“Liara?”  Kaidan frowned at the urgency in her voice.  “What-?”

“It’s Shepard.  He’s having a massive panic attack, and I can’t get through to him.  The manager is going to call an ambulance-”

Kaidan was already moving to the door.  He didn’t waste any time asking her why she was with Shepard or what had set off his attack.  “Look in his pockets.  Does he have a bottle of pills?”

“I don’t know, Kaidan.  I can’t get close to him.”

He swore and reversed direction, barely missing running into Rahna as he went to the bedroom to check Shepard’s bags for his pills.  “Just talk to him.  Use his first name, it usually gets through to him.  I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“What’s going on?” Rahna asked from the bedroom door as she watched him going through Shepard’s duffle bag.  Her eyes widened when he pulled out an orange prescription bottle.  “What’s that for?”

Kaidan shoved the bottle in his pocket and herded her out of the room ahead of him.  “Shepard is having a panic attack, and these are his meds.”

When she saw that he was leaving the condo, Rahna grabbed her coat.  She pulled it on as she followed him.  She didn’t ask any more questions, but she stayed glued to his heels as he rushed down the hall towards the elevator.

It didn’t take them long to reach the coffee shop.  He pushed through the people watching Liara.  She was trying to coax Shepard out of the corner he’d backed himself into.  Kaidan’s heart thumped painfully when he saw Shepard.  He was crouched with his back against the wall, his eyes dilated, skin pale.  He was trembling visibly, and flinching at every sound.  Kaidan had never seen Shepard sink so deep into panic before.

Liara was crouched a few feet away from him, talking softly, but Shepard didn’t seem to hear her.  She jumped when Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder, but her expression quickly turned to relief.  “Kaidan!  Thank goodness you’re here.”

“See if you can get them to disperse.” Kaidan jerked his head at the gawkers, but didn’t take his eyes off Shepard.  “I’ll talk to him.”

“The ambulance should be here soon,” she said before she turned to do as he’d instructed.

Kaidan hoped he could have Shepard calmed down before then.  He went down on one knee, closer to Shepard than Liara had been.  Electric blue eyes to stared at him warily.  “Matt, I brought your pills.”

Shepard panted, staring at him hard, as if he were trying to place his face.  He didn’t speak, but he didn’t move either, which Kaidan took as a blessing.  He had never seen Shepard in this state, but Jack had told him a little bit about how bad it could get.  If Shepard wasn’t lashing out, then that was a good sign. 

He moved a little closer, talking softly.  “Do you know where you are, Matt?”

Shepard frowned and his head twitched as if a loud sound had startled him.  “Kaidan?”

Kaidan went weak with relief.  “Yeah, it’s me.”

“I’m... I’m not…” Shepard grimaced and pressed the heels of his hands against his forehead.  “I need to go home, Kaidan.”

“I know.  I’ll get you home,” Kaidan reassured him.  He opened the bottle of pills and shook one out into his palm.  “I just need you to calm down a little bit.  Will you take one of these for me?”

Shepard stiffened when Kaidan moved closer, dropping his hands and staring at him warily.  His eyes dropped to Kaidan’s hand, and very slowly he reached out to take the pill.  He popped it into his mouth and chewed before swallowing.  Kaidan’s mouth twisted.  That had to taste like shit.  But at least Shepard was responding to him, and was aware that the pill would help.  Chewing it would mean it would affect him sooner.

A siren blipped outside and colored lights flashed through the wall of windows at the front of the shop, announcing the arrival of the ambulance.  Shepard flinched and let out a sound that made Kaidan think of a wounded animal.  Kaidan moved a little closer and took one of Shepard’s hands.  He sighed in relief when there was no resistance.

He started massaging Shepard’s fingers, whispering encouragement.  Behind him, Liara was talking to the EMTs, hopefully explaining the delicacy of the situation.  They must have understood.  Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw one of them open his case and remove a syringe and a bottle of clear liquid.  

The EMT approached Shepard and Kaidan cautiously.  “Do you know if he has any allergies?”  he asked quietly.  When Kaidan shook his head, he came a little closer. “You already gave him something?”

Kaidan nodded.  “A Xanax.  It hasn’t had time to kick in yet.”

“Do you know the dosage?”  

Kaidan handed the bottle over, and the EMT checked the label before handing it back.  He filled the syringe, and moved closer by a few more inches.  When Shepard’s eyes snapped to him, he held up the needle where he could see.  “My name is Feron.  I’m an EMT.  And this is just something to help you relax.  May I give it to you?”

Shepard’s hand tightened into a fist, but he didn’t pull it away from Kaidan.  His eyes flicked between Kaidan and Feron.  They settled on Kaidan, and he stared hard as if Kaidan were the only thing keeping him grounded, then nodded jerkily.  

“Can you pull your coat off for me?” Feron’s voice was deep and soothing, and he didn’t make a move.  His patience was rewarded when Shepard shifted and slipped one arm free of his coat.  Feron moved slowly and steadily, swabbing a spot on Shepard’s arm and then administering the shot.  

Shepard was still staring at Kaidan.  “I’m sorry,” he said roughly.  “I can’t get out of my own head.”

“It’s okay,” Kaidan reassured him.  He was still rubbing Shepard’s hand even though it was clenched in a tight fist.  “It’s not your fault.”

The shot seemed to be affecting Shepard already because the muscles under Kaidan’s fingers were relaxing.  His voice was slightly slurred when he spoke.  “I know.”

Feron watched Shepard for a moment to make sure the shot was working, then turned his attention to Kaidan.  “We can take him to the hospital, or-”

“My house is just down the block,” Kaidan said quickly.  “He just needs to be in a safe and familiar place, and he’ll be fine.”

Feron nodded.  “Do you want help getting him there?” He glanced at Shepard and smiled slightly.  “He’s going to be a bit… wobbly… in another minute or so.”

Kaidan was strong, but Shepard was big.  “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

Shepard let out a shuddering sigh, and leaned forward.  Kaidan took the opportunity to wrap him in his arms.  He spoke against Shepard’s ear.  “Ready to go home?” 

When he received a nod, it was only another minute before he and Feron had Shepard on his feet.  He saw Liara speaking with the other EMT,  while Rahna was talking to one of the shop’s employees.  He smiled, grateful for their help, and began herding Shepard home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done! One more chapter and then an Epilogue.


	41. Chapter 41

The first thing Shepard became aware of was a hard body pressed along his back.  Kaidan’s arm was wrapped tightly around his waist, and one of his knees was pressed between Shepard’s legs.  The stubble of his beard was making Shepard’s skin prickle where it was pressed against his shoulder.  He smiled without opening his eyes.  The nice thing about being an early riser was that he always got a few moments to just lie in Kaidan’s arms and enjoy the peace and comfort.

The next thing Shepard realized was how bright the room was.  He opened his eyes and looked at the clock.  Early afternoon.  His smile faded and he frowned in confusion.  Why had he slept in so late?

He stiffened as the memories from the morning came flooding back.  Rahna visiting, him leaving to go to the coffee shop, talking with Liara.

The panic.  The screams and explosions.  He  _knew_  they were only in his head, but they were worse than reality because he couldn’t escape them.

“Matt, you’re going to crush my wrist.”

Shepard realized he had grabbed Kaidan’s arm where it rested over his stomach and he released it quickly.  Behind him, Kaidan shifted.  He pulled Shepard onto his back and leaned over him.  Seeing Kaidan’s familiar features, his dark amber eyes gentle, his long black hair tousled from sleep and curling around his jaw - because he still hadn’t gotten it cut - made Shepard relax.  He smiled ruefully.  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Kaidan ran his fingers over Shepard’s face, tracing invisible lines over unbroken skin and ridged scars alike.  “No need to apologize.  How do you feel?”

The soft caresses were definitely making him feel better.  “Good now,” he sighed sank further back into the pillows.  His muscles felt heavy and his thoughts felt fuzzy as if he hadn’t had enough sleep.  “A little groggy.”

“Hm, that’s probably a side effect of the shot they gave you.  It should wear off soon, now that you’re awake.”  Kaidan brushed his thumb over Shepard’s bottom lip before tracing a path down his chin and throat to his chest.  

Shepard stayed still and accepted the touch.  He felt like he could go back to sleep, but he didn’t want to.  Sleeping would make him oblivious to the warm comfort of Kaidan and the idyllic peace he was experiencing at the moment.  After the panic attack, Shepard craved this.  To prevent himself from slipping back to sleep he decided to talk.  “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Kaidan chuckled.  “They don’t need me.”

“Hm,” Shepard smiled.  “Yeah, if they can’t go without the boss for a day, they should be fired.”

Kaidan laughed again.  “That’s almost exactly what I said to Rahna.”  He leaned down and brushed a kiss over the scars on Shepard’s cheek before straightening up again.  His dark eyes were sparkling with humor.  “But it turns out they aren’t going without a boss, since Rahna is there.  She’ll take care of things by herself from now on.”

“Well that’s what you were training her to do,” Shepard pointed out.  He yawned, and his eyes drifted shut.

“Turns out she didn’t need me for more than a day or two,” Kaidan said.  “She already knew most of what she needed to help mom out.  She just kept asking me questions as an excuse to spend more time with me.”

Shepard’s eyes snapped open, and he met Kaidan’s amused look.  “She wants you back.”  It wasn’t a question.

Kaidan nodded, but he looked unconcerned.  “She did.  We talked about it, and she understands that it’s over.”

Relief spread inside of Shepard and he let out a breath.  The idea of losing Kaidan was devastating.  He wanted to tell himself he was a big enough man to let Kaidan go, if being with Rahna would truly make him happy.  But the truth was, Shepard was a selfish bastard and he considered Kaidan  _his_ now.  

Reaching up, Shepard curled his arm around Kaidan’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss.  It was soft and slow, lips parting against each other, tongues meeting, tracing the shape of each other’s mouths.  When Kaidan lifted his head again, Shepard felt desire unfurl inside him at the sight of his damp and swollen lips and the warm affection shining from his dark eyes.  

“I love you.”

Kaidan blinked at the words.

Shepard repeated them, just because saying it aloud had felt so good.  “I love you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan’s hand came up and cupped the unscarred side of Shepard’s face.  His eyes shone with tenderness and his mouth tilted up in a smile.  “I love you too, Matt.”

Emotion swelled up inside Shepard until he felt like he was going to burst from it.  Unable to contain himself he surged up and captured Kaidan’s mouth again.  This kiss was completely different from the last.  Instead of soft touches and slow exploration it was hard and rough and full of fire.

Kaidan returned the kiss with just as much ferocity.  He rolled over on top of Shepard, who groaned happily under his weight.  He spread his legs so Kaidan could settle between them, and hooked one foot behind Kaidan’s thigh to hold him in place.  Only their boxers separated them - Kaidan must have stripped Shepard down while he was out of it - and Shepard could feel Kaidan’s reaction to the kiss pressing into the hollow of his hip.  

Despite the drugging he’d received, Shepard’s body responded.  He groaned into Kaidan’s mouth and rolled his hips upward.  The friction sent a thrill through him, and he rolled his hips again.  

Kaidan lifted his head, and Shepard could see that his irises were blown wide with lust.  He stared at Shepard hungrily and shifted until their dicks were sliding against each other through two layers of thin cloth.  Shepard held his gaze as they began to move together in a slow rhythm.  

“I love you, Matt,” Kaidan’s voice was low and rough.  

Shepard released his grip on Kaidan’s hips, and reached between them.  He fumbled at the cloth between them until he had them both pulled free enough that they were rubbing together skin to skin.  Kaidan didn’t want to give him enough space to get them completely naked, but Shepard didn’t care.  Once he had the kind of friction he wanted, he wrapped one hand around Kaidan’s neck to pull him into another kiss, and dug his fingers into the hard, flexing muscle of Kaidan’s ass to encourage his movements.  “I love you,” he rasped in between kisses, repeating the words again when Kaidan groaned.

They moved together like that for a long time, whispering words of love and lust.  Kaidan came first, arching his back and burying his face in the curve of Shepard’s neck.  The slick heat of his seed changed the friction just enough to bring Shepard along with him after several more grinding thrusts.

When Shepard came down from the highest waves of pleasure, he opened his eyes to find Kaidan smiling down at him happily.  He returned the smile.  “I don’t know what was in that shot, but I think I like it better than my meds.  Less side effects.”

Kaidan chuckled.  “Except it knocked you out for hours.”

“Hm, well.” Shepard shrugged, the motion made awkward by his position under Kaidan.  “That’s not such a bad thing if I can wake up like this every time.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling.  He stacked his hands on Shepard’s chest and propped his chin on them.  “So how long have you known?”

Shepard adjusted the pillow under his head so he could see Kaidan better.  “I think it was when you agreed to watch Star Wars with me.”

Kaidan’s teeth flashed when he laughed.  “It took you that long, huh?”

Shepard ran his fingers through Kaidan’s hair, brushing it back from his face.  “Well, when did you know?”

“When you started eating fries off my plate.” Kaidan’s eyes drifted half shut as Shepard’s nails dug lightly into his scalp.  His eyes snapped open again when he was jostled by Shepard’s laughter.  “Hey, I’m a foodie.  I like eating it, and sharing it.”  He grinned wickedly.  “And watching you put something in your mouth is like watching hardcore porn.”

Shepard’s laughter died down but he knew his goofy grin was solidly in place.  He stopped combing Kaidan’s hair and ran his fingers over his bottom lip.  He traced the tiny scar there with his thumbnail.  “I’m pretty fond of seeing things go in your mouth too.”

Kaidan pushed himself up and leaned over Shepard to kiss him.  When they broke apart again, he dropped his head and looked down between their bodies for a moment before lifting it again and quirking an eyebrow.  “Shower?”

“Shower,” Shepard agreed.

Somehow the act of showering together seemed more intimate now.  Neither of them could quite get enough of touching each other and whispering all the things they loved about each other.  Only when the hot water ran out did they finally get out and get dressed. 

Shepard felt energized, although if he moved too quickly there was still a little bit of lingering dizziness from the medication.  He was also starving.  He left Kaidan in the bathroom to shave and work on taming his curls and went to raid the fridge.  There wasn’t much in there, but he found the ingredients for sandwiches.  

He made two, and was halfway through his before Kaidan joined him.  Shepard pushed the second sandwich in front of Kaidan as he sat down on the stool across the island.  “We need to stock up the fridge if we’re going to be here for a few days.”

Kaidan looked up at him in surprise.  “I’m not really needed here anymore.  We don’t need to stay very long.”

“Well, now that we’re here, we should at least have Thanksgiving with your parents,” Shepard said.  “If I’m going to have the awkward family meeting, it might as well be over an awkward family dinner.”

Kaidan laughed.  “Thanksgiving was last month.”

Shepard grinned.  “It’s the day after tomorrow.”

“In America.  You must be pretty out of it from that shot if you don’t remember that we’re in Canada now.”  Kaidan’s eyes sparkled with humor.  He lifted the bread on his sandwich to see if he needed to add any condiments, and gave a pleased grunt when he saw that it had what he wanted.

Setting his sandwich down, Shepard went around the island.  Kaidan turned on his stool.  He spread his legs so Shepard could stand between them, and slipped his hands around Shepard’s waist.  

Shepard draped his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders.  He leaned down to kiss Kaidan who tilted his head back to look up.  “We should have celebrated it last month too,” Shepard said against Kaidan’s lips.  “Lord knows I have a lot to be thankful for.”

Kaidan huffed a soft laugh.  “Yeah, me too.”

They kissed again, and Shepard marveled at the new tenderness between them.  When they broke apart after a long moment, he smiled down at the Kaidan.  “Maybe we should celebrate both, every year.” He paused and tilted his head uncertainly.  “The extended holiday season is going to be hell on our metabolisms.  I hope you’ll still love me when I’m a fat and crazy ex-soldier.”

Kaidan grinned and poked him in the belly.  “I already do.”

“Hey, now,” Shepard protested.  Unconsciously he ran a hand over his stomach, wondering if it was less flat than it had been before he met Kaidan.

Kaidan nuzzled Shepard’s chest.  “It’s just more of you to love.”  He glanced up, his eyes twinkling with a mischievous light.  “Will you still love me when my hair goes completely gray and I’m a crazy ex-druggy?”

Shepard brushed his fingers through the hair at Kaidan’s temples where strands of white already wove through the black.  “Absolutely.”

They shared another soft kiss before Shepard finally let Kaidan go so he could eat his lunch.  But he didn’t move too far away.  He reached across the counter and slid his plate over so that he could stay at Kaidan’s side as they discussed what they would need for a “proper holiday feast.”

When they were finished, Kaidan cleaned up while Shepard took his abandoned stool.  “So what do you want to do for the rest of today?” Kaidan put the dishes in the washer.  “We could still go see my parents if you want, but I called and told them you weren’t feeling well, so they’re not expecting us.  And since I’m not needed at the office today, we’ve got some time to kill.”

Shepard shrugged.  Between the meds, the sex, and the meal he was feeling lazy.  “Got any movies?”

Kaidan leaned against the counter and looked thoughtful.  Then he smiled.  “I don’t have Star Wars, but I’ve got the entire collection of Indiana Jones movies.”

Shepard’s eyes widened in excitement.  “I love you.”

Kaidan laughed. “I know.”

“Does this make me Princess Leia?” Shepard asked, wincing.

Kaidan came around the kitchen island and pulled Shepard from the stool.  He waggled his eyebrows suggestively before pulling Shepard into the living room.  “You’d look fantastic in that outfit.”

“I’ll wear it if you put in the Han Solo costume.”

“You’ve got a deal.”

 


	42. Epilogue - One Year Later

“Are you ready?” When Kaidan didn’t receive an answer, he went looking for Shepard in their bedroom.  The suitcase they had packed the night before was open again, and Shepard was putting another stack of clothing in there.  “I think you’ve got enough sweaters, Matt.”

Shepard glanced over his shoulder and grinned, somewhat sheepishly.  “Easy for you to say, Kaidan.  You’re immune to the cold.  I, on the other hand, will freeze to death without more layers.”

“I am not immune to it,” Kaidan argued as he sat down on the bed.  Normandy stopped sniffing at the contents of the suitcase and crawled into his lap.  Kaidan picked her up and held her close against his chest, enjoying the soft rumble of her purr.

Shepard eyed him skeptically.  “I have seen you go outside in the snow in nothing but a t-shirt and tennis shoes.”

“That was barely a snowstorm at all,” Kaidan scoffed.  “It wasn’t even sticking to the ground.”  He put Normandy down and stood up as Shepard started to zip the case closed again.  “You desert dwellers don’t know what real winter even is.”

“Exactly.” Shepard lifted the case with a grunt and led the way out of their room.  “Vancouver gets cold.  Have you looked at the weather forecast?  It’s supposed to snow for most of the time we’ll be there.”

Kaidan followed behind him, chuckling when he heard Shepard grumbling about “insane weather” and “snow before Christmas just isn’t natural”.  He followed Shepard outside to the truck, where his own luggage was already stored in the back.  “Is there anything else you think we’ll need?”

“You’ve got the tickets?” Shepard asked as he patted his pockets.  

Kaidan nodded.  “In my bag.  You’ve got your meds?”

Shepard didn’t need them as often as he used to.  Shortly after coming home from Vancouver the year before, he’d called up Dr. Chakwas.  They’d discussed different therapy options, including new medications and CBT sessions.  After several conversations with her over the phone, she’d decided his best option was to start traveling.  

During the last year, he had been slowly retraining himself to handle crowds.  They had started with weekly shopping trips to Thessia on Saturdays when, the stores were the most busy, and then they’d moved on to taking weekend trips to nearby cities.  They’d even spent a week in Denver in late summer.

It hadn’t been easy for either of them.  Watching Shepard fight through his terror and his anxiety had been painful, but Kaidan had refused to let him do it on his own.  He had dealt with his addiction by himself and he remembered how difficult it had been.  He wasn’t going to let Shepard suffer through that on his own.

He knew Shepard was still really nervous about sitting in an airport, but when Kaidan’s parents had purchased them tickets to come visit, he had insisted that he would be fine.

Shepard frowned at Kaidan as he closed the back of the truck.  His voice was sharp with sarcasm.  “Do you have yours?”

Kaidan chuckled and nodded to let Shepard know he had scored a point.  “Yeah, I’ve got them.”  He doubted he would need them.  Cooler weather always meant fewer headaches.  But he kept them with him just in case, especially since it seemed to give Shepard peace of mind.

“Alright, then I think we’re ready.”  

They went back into the house just long enough to make sure all the lights were off and that Normandy’s food and water dishes were full.  They were the kind that held enough for a couple of weeks, so she would be fine by herself for the four days they were gone, but Jack and Miranda had promised to check on her daily.  Kaidan still felt a twinge of regret when they went back outside though.  She was giving them the Sad Face, and it was really hard to turn his back on that.

They had planned on enough time to have lunch before leaving so they stopped at the diner across the street.  Miranda and James kept reminding them to tell Ashley how much they missed her.  Ashley’s sister Sarah, who had taken over working at the diner when Ashley moved in with Kasumi, handed Kaidan a wrapped present and made him promise to give it to her.  

Jack was there, too.  The garage was closed for the weekend, but she would be running things by herself until Shepard got back.  She actually unbent enough to give them both hugs before they left.  She told James to fuck off when he teased her for being girly.

Once they were done eating and saying their goodbyes, they bundled themselves into Shepard’s truck for the drive to the airport.  Kaidan had tried to argue that they’d get better gas mileage if they took his car, but Shepard had insisted that he wanted to drive.  Kaidan had let it go because he knew being in his own truck would make Shepard feel better about the trip.

The drive to the airport itself was uneventful.  They spent the time talking about the places Kaidan wanted to show Shepard while they were in Vancouver, and listening to the radio.  At one point Shepard broke out the Elvis music and had Kaidan alternately laughing or trying to suppress his arousal as he sang along.

Kaidan watched Shepard closely for signs of nerves, but he seemed fine.  At least until they got to the airport.  Shepard began to have difficulty holding still.  He would twitch when people passed too close to him.  His skin became paler.  His eyes darted from face to face in the crowds around them, searching for something Kaidan couldn’t see.

While they were standing in line to go through the security checkpoint Kaidan looked up at Shepard and caught him chewing his upper lip so hard it was starting to get chapped.  He bumped his knuckles against Shepard’s.  Blue eyes wide with anxiety swung down to him, and Kaidan’s heart clenched.  Shepard had been doing so well lately, but maybe he still needed more time…

The scars framing the left side of Shepard’s face wrinkled as he smiled.  His pupils were dilated, and his breath was coming in short shallow breaths.  Kaidan could _see_ his struggle.  But his smile was reassuring. 

Kaidan swallowed, and smiled in return.  It took only a twitch of his fingers to wrap Shepard’s hand in his own.  They both squeezed.

It was their turn to go through the line.  Kaidan kept an eye on Shepard, but the act of emptying his pockets and removing his shoes seemed to focus him.  Once they were through security, he sat down next to Shepard on a bench to retie his shoes.  “Maybe you should take something, Matt.  We’ve still got forty-five minutes until our flight boards and-”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

Kaidan blinked in surprise.  He hadn’t expected Shepard to give in so easily.  “Hey.” He dropped the laces of his second shoe and draped his arm across Shepard’s hunched shoulders.  “We don’t have to do this.  We could drive, or even try this again later.  My parents will understand.”

Shepard finished tying his shoelaces and he sat up, leaning into Kaidan’s embrace.  He inhaled slowly and deeply, then let the air out in a rush before turning to Kaidan.  He was still smiling.  “I’m fine, Kaidan.  Really.  I just need something to take the edge off.”  His eyes began to twinkle.  “Do you think there’s a bar around here?”

Kaidan snorted.  “You want to drink your way through this?”

The look Shepard gave him was full of mock indignation.  “Bars serve food too.  It’s been hours since we ate.”

That surprised a laugh out of Kaidan.  He shook his head, and then pinned Shepard with a false glare.  “Uh huh, sure.”

Shepard grinned, and tilted his head toward a row of restaurants leading further into the airport.  “Or I guess we could find something else at one of these places if you want.”

“Let’s do that.”

They gathered the rest of their things and went to find something to eat.  Shepard took a pill with his meal, and they hurried off to their terminal.  

They sat next to each other in the uncomfortable seats near their terminal, and Kaidan wrapped his arm around Shepard’s shoulders, pulling him close.  The position was awkward with the chair arm between them, but Shepard leaned into him willingly.

A woman’s voice came over the speakers above them.  “ _Ladies and gentleman, we apologize but it appears that Delta flight 943 to Vancouver has been delayed.  We will…”_

Shepard groaned.  “That’s just great.” 

Ninety minutes later, they were still waiting.  Shepard began to twitch and fidget again.  He leaned back in his chair and bounced his legs, or shifted forward to brace his arms on his knees and take deep breaths.

Kaidan leaned over and wrapped his fingers around the back of Shepard’s neck, pulling him close.  “Maybe you should take one of the other pills,” he suggested softly against his brow.  Dark brown hair tickled his upper lip.  Shepard had been letting his buzz cut grow out since the beginning of October and it was already a few inches long.

Instead of answering Shepard sat up straight and started digging through the pockets of his carry-on bag.  There was a moment, when he didn’t seem to find what he was looking for, and he looked like he was going to go into a full blown panic attack.  But he relaxed when he pulled a small black box out of an inner pocket.

When Kaidan saw the box, it was his turn for his heartbeat to go into overdrive.  It was covered in black velvet.  The kind of box that held jewelry… specifically rings.  His stomach flipped when Shepard knelt down on his good knee in front of him.

Shepard’s blue eyes stared up at Kaidan hopefully.  “I was going to wait.  I wanted to do this with friends and family around, but-” He took a deep breath and opened the box.  Inside was a simple platinum band.  “I can’t wait anymore.  Kaidan, will you marry me?”

Kaidan stared down at the ring.  He would have thought he’d forgotten how to speak, but really, he’d forgotten how to think.  Around him he could hear people murmuring, and at least a few encouraging comments from the onlookers, but he barely understood them.

His hand was shaking when he lifted it.  Before he could take the box, Shepard cleared his throat and pulled the ring out for him.  Kaidan didn’t speak, but he took the ring and held it between the fingers of both hands.  Inside he could see an inscription.

_I know._

Kaidan laughed, but then he choked slightly and he had to blink his eyes when his vision went watery.  He slid the ring on his finger and then looked at Shepard.  All the love Shepard had shown him in little ways over the last year shone from his bright blue eyes, and Kaidan couldn’t speak.  So he answered without words.

He cupped Shepard’s cheeks, brushing his thumb across ridged scars, and kissed him.  It was gentle and chaste, and Shepard inhaled sharply when their lips touched.

When Kaidan leaned up again, Shepard’s smile was lopsided as always.  “Is that a yes?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes.  “Yes.”

All the air went out of Shepard and he sank down until his head was pillowed on Kaidan’s thigh.  “Thank God.” His voice was muffled against Kaidan’s jeans.  “I thought I was going to have a meltdown when you were quiet for so long.”

Around them people cheered and applauded.  Kaidan laughed.  He ran his fingers through Shepard’s hair.  “Sorry.  Last time I got married, I did the proposing.  I don’t have any practice at being proposed to.”

Shepard grunted and looked up at him with a half glare.  “This is not practice.  As far as I’m concerned, I should be the last person you marry.”  He got up and sat back in the chair next to Kaidan and then hauled him close to hug him.  All the tension Shepard had been carrying with him since they’d arrived at the airport was gone, and it occurred to Kaidan that a large part of Shepard’s stress had been because he was nervous about proposing.

“I am on board for that plan.” Kaidan returned the embrace.  “I wonder how long it would take us to get a marriage license?”

“I already did the research.” Shepard grinned.  “We can get married the day before we come home.”

Kaidan laughed again.  He felt giddy with joy, and seeing it reflected in Shepard’s eyes only enhanced the feeling inside him.  “Ever the boyscout.”

“But you love me.”

“Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is it. I'm feeling a little bit blubbery at the moment, because this story has been so much fun to work on, and you've all been so wonderful with your support. I'M GOING TO MISS IT!!
> 
> But keep an eye out. I will probably do a sequel of ficlets like I always do with my longfics. There will definitely be more Matt and Kaidan :D


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